Forums > Model Colloquy > Feeling Torn/Down On Myself


T Brown

Posts: 2460

Traverse City, Michigan, US

It may be easier said than done but before you continue you need to find a way to find peace with yourself and be satisfied if not happy with the characteristics that make you who you are.

If you continue to feel this way about yourself and do nothing the issues you have now will only compound upon themselves.

I can honestly say that I for one am glad that you look the way you do and the same about everyone else, its the diversity that makes all of this so much fun.

I hope you continue to do the work your doing smile

Oct 04 12 03:42 pm Link


M Pandolfo Photography

Posts: 12117

Tampa, Florida, US

Shilo Suicide wrote:
I suppose what I'm asking is, do I keep doing what I love or does it just make me look like an idiot for trying to even get into this?

A few things. If it really is doing what you love then why the crisis? If you love what you're doing then you've already succeeded and any accolades/jobs are just a bonus. However, if it's the making money or the fame that you love, then you're happiness is going to be contingent upon others. So, you need to decide what you love about it.

Second, an idiot for trying to get into what? Trying to get signed to an Agency? No, not an idiot but as you've already said it's probably not going to happen. If it doesn't happen do you feel like everything you've done is a waste? If so, then maybe you should move on. But not because others will think you're foolish...but because you're not getting your needs met.

If you truly love what you're doing then there usually isn't a crisis like the one you're having. If you're placing unrealistic expectations on yourself and defining your success by meeting some goal that may not realistically be attainable, then you're not going to enjoy the ride.

Oct 04 12 03:43 pm Link


Eric Slodysko

Posts: 50

COAL TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania, US

I'm going out on a limb here by suggesting something a little different. I also struggle with confidence and self-esteem issues from time to time, but I find when I focus on the light I carry within me, rather than any physical flaws, my reflection matches my mood and emanates beauty rather than darkness. You're clearly attractive and talented in the area you've chosen (just as others have commented), so it is probably your current mindset that is askew and hampering your progress, not anything physically related. Keep your head up, and the sky will follow.

Oct 05 12 01:24 am Link


Rebel Gray

Posts: 1

San Francisco, California, US

It's really interesting to me that you are self conscious about your nose. Your nose is one of the main defining features of your look, which is stunning! We are often too critical of our faces, because we stare at them all day long and the things that are unique about us start to look distorted, but don't be fooled; it's your UNIQUE features that make you look beautiful to the world.

I used to feel exactly the same way about my nose, jawline and cheekbones. And honestly, I still do! But now I'm well aware that they are what is WORKING about my look. (If I were to get a nosejob, I would lose my modelling career.)

Feel proud that you notice these unique things about yourself, because now you know exactly what is working. If you think you have a goose neck, working that neck is what's going to make you great!

Oct 07 12 11:24 pm Link


Rich Burroughs

Posts: 3259

Portland, Oregon, US

The agency thing may be difficult with your height. You definitely do represent yourself as an alt model and seem to be very good at that. If you're happy doing that then go for it.

If you're really dying to be a mainstream fashion model then you can continue to take a stab at it. But eventually I'd say play to your strengths.

Also, things like dealing with agencies, publishers, curators, are tough because they're often one person's opinion. And a no doesn't even mean they don't think you're talented. You may just not be what they're looking for. I've had curators that I know like my work turn it down for specific shows/publications because it just didn't fit in. So don't assume a rejection is a negative judgement, unless you're told so.

Oct 08 12 02:01 am Link



Posts: 2956

New York, New York, US

time to get a real job and do this as a hobby when ever.  Why keep fighting?  For what? Do some thing useful with your time.

Oct 15 12 10:42 pm Link



Posts: 25

San Antonio, Texas, US

Shilo Suicide wrote:

So I guess I'm having a little bit of a crisis. I've been modeling for around a year now, and I love it, and people tell me I'm good at it. I've worked with designers and am featured on SuicideGirls and Zivity. However, I just don't see it.

I know it's not all about being pretty, but I see myself as too short, with a big nose and generally unattractive, but can look okay with a talented photographer and photoshop!

I don't know, I was looking for agency representation and basically got turned away/no replies mainly because of my height...and even from the ones that claimed they accepted petites.

I suppose what I'm asking is, do I keep doing what I love or does it just make me look like an idiot for trying to even get into this?

A lot of models probably feel like this at times, I know I do.
I tend to think i'm too skinny, and look awkward.
But I love modeling.

If this is something you love, keep at it, and wow yourself as you progress with every photo shoot! 

You're gorgeous! No need to be so hard on yourself.

Oct 15 12 10:52 pm Link


Jeff Fiore

Posts: 9224

Brooklyn, New York, US

Shilo, you have a very unique look and you look to be a good model. i would shoot you in a heartbeat

Oct 15 12 11:01 pm Link


Nico Simon Princely

Posts: 1972

Las Vegas, Nevada, US

Kitty LaRose wrote:
Ben&Jerry's wink

Better than the suicide prevention hotline.

I just had a project I worked 14 hours a day for teh last 3 month fall apart unless a Miracle Happens. And I might not even get paid.

You you have to say positive!

Also having a name that includes the word "Suicide" do you really expect to feel uplifted by that... It does not exactly imply success.

PS: If you were local I'd shoot with you I like your look.

Oct 15 12 11:09 pm Link


William Kious

Posts: 8841

Delphos, Ohio, US

Shilo Suicide wrote:
I don't know, I was looking for agency representation and basically got turned away/no replies mainly because of my height...and even from the ones that claimed they accepted petites.

Modeling agencies are very fickle... it's the nature of the beast.

Shilo Suicide wrote:
I suppose what I'm asking is, do I keep doing what I love or does it just make me look like an idiot for trying to even get into this?

I guess you need to clarify your objectives. If it's a passion - and you're doing something you love - then recognition and publication need not be part of the equation. What is it that you really want?

You've got good bone structure, gorgeous eyes and you seem to emote well. My suggestion is to broaden your scope. Don't necessarily look at yourself as just an alt/fetish model.

Oct 15 12 11:10 pm Link


Jen Republic

Posts: 5

Phoenix, Arizona, US

You are beautiful and amazing. If you love modeling keep going with it smile Express yourself in a way that no one else could dream of. That's the magic of you!

Oct 15 12 11:17 pm Link



Posts: 2225

Rochester, New York, US

it's sad when such a pretty and talented model feels so bad about herself; it's much too prevalent for women today to be so hard on themselves *internet hugs*

if you love it, keep working through it.
also be sure to engage in other activities as well that doesn't focus on your appearance, because we all know what happens when we think about something too much, don't we?

Oct 16 12 08:00 am Link



Posts: 762

New York, New York, US

Shilo Suicide wrote:
I suppose what I'm asking is, do I keep doing what I love or does it just make me look like an idiot for trying to even get into this?

You can always replace your modeling time with Stamp collecting….. I hear it can be very satisfying

Oct 16 12 08:57 am Link



Posts: 46

Manchester, New Hampshire, US

Shilo you have such a beautiful face and you know how to pose. I can see it through the images on your page.

We all have moments where we feel we are not good enough but I say if you love creating the artwork that you do, then don't stop.

Oct 17 12 07:44 am Link


Tar C

Posts: 22

Calabasas, California, US

To my eyes, you have the look of an actress and or/alt model.
Stick with these directions and you'll be fine if you persevere.

Oct 17 12 07:48 am Link


Kevin Greggain Photography

Posts: 6768

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada

What I find ironic here is, after gandering at your gallery, I can only imagine there are bucketloads of models who view your port going "I wish I was as beautiful as this model is"

It's all about perspective.

I have been in it for the love of photography. Never made any money at it, but I get up every day with a new cup of renewed determination.

Your work is very good, your look is very good and don't touch that nose..

After 35 years doing this, I think I have the right to say this with confidence.

Oct 17 12 07:53 am Link



Posts: 10876

Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada

I get how you feel, op.

Currently, I am on hiatus mainly because I feel like I just can't do the work I was able to do. This is mainly due to the fact that my range of motion is incredibly limited, and as a result, I've gained some weight.

But, we all have our downer moments.

You have a distinct look to you, which is always a good thing in the type of modeling you seem to fit into.

I wish you the best of luck!

Oct 17 12 08:00 am Link



Posts: 23559

Salem, Oregon, US

you do great work.

sometimes i think you just have to go on the journey and see where it takes you whether that means an agency or whatever. as long as you enjoy the process, it's all good. if it has become a grind then just do it when you can get paid. if getting paid doesn't even make it seem worthwhile then maybe take a break.

regarding agencies i've heard stories of models who pounded on doors for a long time before finding one who wanted them.

oh, and you should enter my halloween contest on zivity! so far on zivity i've made like $300 and spent it all on votes and sponsoring contests. i'm not super creative or anything but i do it for fun and to be part of something. in my regular life i don't get to meet people very much but with the photography i now have some friends.

Shilo Suicide wrote:
I suppose what I'm asking is, do I keep doing what I love or does it just make me look like an idiot for trying to even get into this?

Oct 17 12 08:40 am Link


L Bass

Posts: 957

Nacogdoches, Texas, US

Don't give up if you truly are loving it. You have a great look and a LOT of potential. I only wish you were closer to east Texas!

Oct 17 12 08:44 am Link



Posts: 1

Los Angeles, California, US

Short answer is keep doing what you love.

Long answer:
Everyone is beautiful in one way or another. At least, I prefer to believe that, rather than that some people are beautiful and some are ugly.

My parents always told me I was beautiful, sometimes so often and lightly that I didn't really believe it was true until getting attention from others for it. Which is also my point... It helps to have a loving family that tells you that you are beautiful the way you are. But if you are looking for agencies to tell you you're beautiful, it won't necessarily change your perception of yourself.

A big problem in today's society is we put emphasis on the outside and not the inside. I think modeling can exacerbate this to an extent. It's such a competitive industry, models are always get compared, put down and rejected... in some ways just like any other industry, but it hurts differently when it's based on looks.

Maybe this is a sign you need to take a break from modeling, and put your focus on something outside of yourself? I always think looking at yourself in the mirror too much never leads to anything good.

And sorry to get all philosophical or whatever, maybe it helps you maybe it doesn't. Either way I would check out the documentary "Picture Me," it kind of discusses some hard issues of being a model and may shed some light on issues that other models have similar to your own.

Good luck and I hope you find the answers you're looking for smile

Oct 23 12 04:16 am Link


Mirror With A Memory

Posts: 290

New York, New York, US

Sometimes modeling and photography can be a full contact sport.

Oct 23 12 04:35 am Link



Posts: 629

Newcastle, Limerick, Ireland

You've got an excellent portfolio, a unique look and are very good at what you do. Stick with it, we all have self doubt at some time but if there's something you love doing, keep doing it.

There's lots of different ways of achieving your goal, if one path is blocked, try another one and then another but never give up. If you want it bad enough keep working for it and you'll get there.

Oct 23 12 04:40 am Link



Posts: 61

York, England, United Kingdom

I honestly think you're more than pretty enough to be a model. I'd actually guess that agencies are turning you away at least partly because you're alt. They probably just don't feel comfortable with having somebody who's such a niche market; their loss if you ask me. You've been doing fine so far from what I can see, and I for one hope I can become even half as good at it as you are. Cheer up, you're totally fine. smile

Oct 23 12 06:12 pm Link


255 West

Posts: 6468

New York, New York, US


Oct 23 12 06:52 pm Link