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So I kinda derailed what was meant to be a happy thread about cake but I really need to vent. Now. Background. I don't ask for much in a relationship, stability, appreciation, common hobbies. I'm patient, I try to be understanding, I help as much as possible around the house. I'm not a drama queen. I don't need material gifts, ever. Today is my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. I made him a really special cake. It took me hours. I suggested we could go out for dinner. thinking a nice date night isn't too much to ask, right? Just once a frigging year? Once, can I ask for something? So. he says we'll go to this sandwhich/salad place which is more of a lunch place. plastic chairs, counter ordering. I was a little let down. Counter ordering and a lunch place for our anniversary dinner? It's not like money is the issue (I've always been understanding in that case). When I suggested maybe someplace a bit nicer for a special occasion my boyfriend acted like I was totally springing it on him. He claimed I was getting spoiled by Nick (his brother) who is always mentioning interesting restaurants. He claimed finding a vegetarian friendly place is such a hassle. Like, fine, I'm clearly not worth the effort for a special gesture. Like I placed a huge burden on him. I feel selfish and demanding instead of feeling loved. So at 6 PM, when we were supposed to leave, I finally had to get online and help him look for someplace myself. Found some really nice date places. But he refuses to go downtown- too far, parking sucks. Like, I'm totally not worth a little hassle- that just about did it. Then, when I finally pick a place under HIS conditions, then he gets up to go shower. So here it is, 6:20 and I'm sitting here still waiting for him, having picked my own anniversary restaurant when I just wanted a nice surprise. Any MOTHERFUCKING sit down place would have been fine. You know. Menus. Waitstaff. Am I wrong to be hold back horrible disappointment? Am I being ungrateful? I never wanted this to be all about me. I made him a cake knowing it was something HE'D like and wanted to do something nice solely for him. But why do I feel awful for wanting something nice that suits me as well? Nov 04 12 05:23 pm Link Talk it out with him. He may not realize how it's making you feel. I tend to do things that come off wrong all the time; however my S.O. and I have had enough non-confrontational conversations to work out what each of us felt and meant to say/do. I'm one of those people that doesn't care about anniversaries or birthdays. I don't know where he's coming from, but I'm sure both of you can work it out. Nov 04 12 05:30 pm Link That really sucks  However, random question: how do you know that he maybe didn't have something planned, like a surprise, before you suggested going out and now whatever he had planned, is out the window? I've had that happen before, and the guy in question never told me he already had something planned. A nice dinner doesn't always have to be fancy, either. It's what you make of it, you know? You may be reading too much into a casual place vs a fancy place. Granted, I can't talk and/or give guidance- as I don't usually do anything special for anniversaries. Nov 04 12 05:32 pm Link Solacium wrote: Nope. Solacium wrote: Nope. Nov 04 12 05:36 pm Link I don't think it is unreasonable to want something special for an anniversary like a dinner. That said, it's not fun to play the mind reading game. If you never mentioned going out somewhere nice, how can he know that's what you want? I can understand why you want to go somewhere a little fancy to celebrate, but I can also understand the frustration and stress that your SO may feel at being expected to just know what you want and deliver it perfectly. Neither of you are wrong. Neither of you are right. Kiss, make up, and eat the cake  Nov 04 12 05:41 pm Link I do think you are making yourself angrier than you need to be. All the same, it isn't too much to ask (from you). Nov 04 12 05:42 pm Link Well to be honest I dont really understand why you writing it here instead of saying it to him, probably the guy doesnt even know he has done something wrong... Thats the funny thing with most women, you gotta complain about your man on forum/ facebook/ to ur friends/ family and basically ask other people about their opinion (even tho they dont know anything about your relationship) and you could just simply talk to him so you know why he act like this and what does he think. Guys are pretty simple and simply telling them whats wrong is the best option... Nov 04 12 05:47 pm Link Is this the same boyfriend who wouldn't bring you back a plate when he went out for Mexican one time? Why is he always acting so put out? Is this a relationship you want to invest more time into? Nov 04 12 05:48 pm Link sofija wrote:
Nov 04 12 05:51 pm Link Damon Banner wrote: Right?! Nov 04 12 05:55 pm Link What I think I hear you saying is that you want to be understood and acknowledged on a deeper level. It sounds like you did something for him that you knew he would like, and put your heart into it. See how the night goes, then talk to him about your feelings. Tell him exactly how you feel you are not being "heard" or gotten in the way you would like. I know in the past you have said you have cooked meat and stuff. In your eyes (in mine) that was you showing your appreciation and acceptance of him. I think you are saying you want to be treated the same, which is fair. The meat and veggie thing is a non issue though truly. What is the root of the issue? Dont talk about it here if you dont want. But sit with him and discuss wherein lies the disconnect. Im sorry this happened on a special day for you. Doggies give good cuddles too! This will work out one way or another. Communication is key. edit: I forgot to send hugs. Im sorry Nov 04 12 06:15 pm Link I'm impressed you could pry him away from the doughnut shops Seriously, I agree with you, some noteworthy days should be acknowledged with more than a visit to a deli Nov 04 12 06:20 pm Link Gabrielle Heather wrote: This^^ Nov 04 12 06:33 pm Link /sigh. I'm sorry other half. Men sometimes just don't get it. Boyfriend and I were having issues last week too, but talking it out really does help! Nov 04 12 06:33 pm Link kickfight wrote: Solacium wrote: Nope. exactly how old ARE you? Nov 04 12 06:34 pm Link Augustine York wrote: no, I did ask. I asked him to surprise me with a nice place for dinner. Nov 04 12 07:22 pm Link MartaBrixton wrote: A) getting a dose of perspective from objective people always helps. Nov 04 12 07:23 pm Link Gabrielle Heather wrote: This articulates perfectly what I was looking for and didn't get. Nov 04 12 07:26 pm Link Ultimately, I will sleep on it to try and give myself some time to articulate exactly what the issue here was. I think it goes beyond an anniversary dinner and more to needing a bit more emotionally. I don't want to paint him as heartless but I think I also need to articulate my needs. Threads like this help me pin point why I'm upset an gain insight. It's why I post. Thanks everyone. Nov 04 12 07:28 pm Link sofija wrote: wel that is to be decided free I get some things off my chest. Right now though I'm too tired and close to my emotions tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I can figure out how to address it. Nov 04 12 07:29 pm Link Solacium wrote: You are entitled to be human. Taking time before you speak with him instead of emotionally speaking with him (right this minute) will make the conversation more rational. I applaud you. It will give it some distance and clarity. I am glad you got some help here from people in this thread. I am glad you enjoyed dinner as well. Nov 04 12 07:50 pm Link people show up pretty consistantly... and when you want them to be someone else... then you suffer when they act consistant. I think you know the answer to this dilemma and you know how you feel. He is who he is and that is fine. but the question is... is the way he is... right, for how you want him to be? because it sort of sounded like you were making him out to be a jerk for not being what you wanted him to be. Your anger or tone of dissapointment comes from a thwarded intention... not his behavior. He seems pretty consistant. I could just tell you he was being an a-hole and you deserve better... or tell you to talk with him and see if he might change, but really he is what he is... and he will only change when he sees it as an opportunity for himself. So unless you are willing to open up to him where you have been pretending that he is okay and how it has you being judgmental about him... and how you want to invent something new for the benefit to him... you will likely continue to suffer with someone who is constantly being consistant in a way you wish it not to be. See the secret about men is that they will do anything to please their woman... so long as it makes sense to them. The moment they see being what you want is a benefit to them... they will get on board. So long as you see him as being the jerk in this situation... you will likely find the jerk in him most of the time... maybe I've said to much... maybe I should just tell you what a jerk he was and that you deserve better. Sorry. Edit: "We are what we repeatedly do. " -Aristotle Nov 04 12 08:49 pm Link You're not out of line. It sounds like you made a reasonable request that was agreed to at the time, then there was a failure to follow through. How often are your requests and his requests like this. Are they mutual and reasonable? If not it sounds like there is a miscommunication that is deeper than the surface anniversary issue. Sounds like you need to have a sit down discussion with no distractions to resolve the fulfillment of reasonable requests, and the consequences of failing to follow through. Good luck in resolving the issues! Nov 04 12 09:54 pm Link I know that you already plan to talk to him and that's great. As it's been said, he may not know how you felt about it. Though, I gotta say, I've dated some real buttholes...but I don't think that I've ever had this issue. Guys tend to assume that girls want a gesture on their anniversary. At least a card or saying something sweet...*something*, especially if the girl is doing something. The thing that irks me most is that it sounds like you started to talk to him about it and he gave you a guilt trip. It seems like you expressed that it was important to you and he made excuses and tried to make it more difficult instead of trying to make it better for you. Granted, I'm going by what you wrote while you were mad at him plus I've had experiences with guilt control in the past so I may be a bit more sensitive. See how you feel after the talk...make sure you feel better and not just guilty. Hope it goes well. *hug* Nov 05 12 01:27 am Link Two Pears Studio wrote: I kind of don't appreciate the insinuation I'm just looking to hear that he's an asshole and i deserve better. If it wasn't the intent I apologize for honing in on it but it irks me that that's how I'm being percieved. Nov 05 12 03:57 am Link Would help you to communicate this by letter? Even if all you do with it is rip it up and burn it? SItting down and analysing things, like you're doing on here, but on your own in some quiet time, might help you to work out exactly what you feel is wrong or missing. I'd also suggest doing the talk in a non-confrontational manner. Rather than saying "You didn't do this" or "You did this" try "I feel like this because". It makes things less accusatory. I do appreciate where you're coming from. It was recently my birthday and our anniversary (the same day, conveniently). We went away to a nice hotel for the night, had nice food, all that jazz. But all this came out of the joint account which I fund, so I paid for my own burthday treat. And being brutally honest, we had mediocre sex because I dont get foreplay any more. Although you do appreciate what did transpire for the celebration, the issues do nag on. You're right to get a grip on your feelings before going any further. Good luck talking to him, I haven't managed it yet! Nov 05 12 04:21 am Link I often see when that time comes in a relationship it's because people often take for granted what they have. As soon as they lose it there's a complete change in their treatment of you. It just sounds to me like he's taking you for granted. It also sounds to me that unless he's brain dead, he's aware of what he's doing. He's not a toddler or a dog, how much more does he need to get it through his head that he's mistreating you? He doesn't sound like the worst guy in the world. He just sounds very typical and that he'd quickly be one of those people who doesn't know what he has til he loses it. Does he appreciate all the work you put into making his cake? Nov 05 12 04:48 am Link Ultimately, I decided to send an email- an I explained this was because I feare getting all worked up and emotional and not articulating everything well if I did it in person. And I started it more or less like this: Tonight, I need you to understand why I wanted what I wanted and why I asked for what I did. I can see you probably didn't see my side of it at all- so ill explain and not expect you to be a mind reader. And I didn't attack him but I explained that the impression I got was that it wasn't worth it to make any effort to celebrate despite it being very important, that I have emotional needs and basically that it went far beyond the level of dining and more to his attitude and how badly it made me feel. I really took the time to explain that whatever his intent- the way it came off was X. And that I felt the need to address it. Now the balls in his court. I think I was mature and thorough in my message. But I'm very nervous waiting to see if I'll get a reply verbally or via writing... Nov 05 12 05:25 am Link Crummy situation, Sol. But I'm very glad to hear you're going on a year now, I remember where we both were a year ago and I'm glad this has been going well for you. Of course it's always difficult in situations like this, you're upset, but then you wonder if you have the right to be or not. Venting always help, and some perspective is definitely beneficial. Especially before you have a conversation that turns into more of a lecture than anything else... Boys communicate differently and don't always understand why certain things are important. So talking about it is imperative...from there, if he makes changes, awesome. If not, then it's time to evaluate. Nov 05 12 12:25 pm Link Well, turns out I'm in the wrong- after bemoaning my hurt and needs and desires- I am the biggest jerk on the planet. God help me I'm an ass and I want to take everything back. I spent most of my day self loathing and crying my eyes out. He replied to my email where I laid out all my feelings and hurt. It turns out he chose the original place because it was our first date. And It was meant to be symbolic and sentimental and thoughful. And I just missed the whole gesture and immediately snubbed it as not good enough. I took control of the night and took away his chance to show his feelings his way because I had my own expectations of how 'special' was supposed to be shown. And if I had given him the chance he would have let me know why he chose the place he did and it was a cute thought. So I ruined my own night by getting upset and ruining any chance he had to be romatic by turning into a demanding diva. All I want to do is take it back and let him take me an explain his reasons and be cute. ' It was an adorable and thoughtful choice and I just completey missed it AND assumed the worst in him. Shame on me for being so quick to judge. I am an ass. I ruined everything for both of us and forced it to go my way because I wanted what I wanted. I apologized profusely but it ofcourse hardlt seems enough. Now I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out for shame. He must have felt like his idea was utterly rejected before he even had a chance. I completely ruined his night and probably made HIM doubt of I was the type of person he wanted to stay with. I felt like such a bitch 😞 Nov 05 12 12:57 pm Link I'm sorry Sol, don't beat yourself up.. Sometimes we (a collective we as people) get into our own heads a bit too much and have ideals or expectations. that start to take over. And once they do, we don't see anything else. You're human. It was a mistake but certainly not an unforgiveable one. I'm not sure if boys response was through e-mail or a face to face conversation, but talk to him some more tonight, explain how you feel, and do your best to show him it was a simple mistake that you're genuinely sorry for. Nov 05 12 01:04 pm Link Laura Ann - Fashion wrote: i did send him an email explaining everything and he understood and forgave me but I'm still so ashamed of my self centered view of the entire night, my lack of ability to consider his side or have any faith in him. Nov 05 12 01:09 pm Link Solacium wrote: We're all human, so we're all capable of error. Nov 05 12 01:36 pm Link Solacium wrote: You're not a bitch. Yea, you jumped to conclusions but it also sounds like he handled the situation rather poorly. The important thing is that you talked it out and resolved it, not whose fault it was. Nov 05 12 02:08 pm Link Thanks for the reassurance everyone. This whole thing has been so emotionally draining and it really never should have been. I think I was about 350% more emotional because of the time of month. Everything was blown out of proportion emotionally. The real solution here is to rip my &^^%$&(()*)$%#@@ ovaries out. Or uterus? Both? Nov 05 12 02:20 pm Link Solacium wrote: Heh i hate that...totally normal though *hug* Nov 05 12 02:52 pm Link Sha-Lynne wrote: I'm finally feeling normal. I made the boy some coupons for helping him de-stress (for chores, errands, dinner) more to show that I'm sorry than anything. I'd do these things anyway but this is a guilt free request pass Nov 05 12 03:04 pm Link Solacium wrote: Wow, he must have given you one HELL of a response to make you go from Nov 05 12 03:12 pm Link Solacium wrote: Dude, SERIOUSLY??? Because you had a reasonable expectation that your anniversary would be something more than a retread of your first date? Nov 05 12 03:12 pm Link Laura UnBound wrote: Laura, he did make time. He planned on them going to the place they had their first date so he did put some time and effort into things, Sol just didn't realize it at first. Nov 05 12 03:15 pm Link |
