Forums > Model Colloquy > Spouse says NO

Photographer

Art of the nude

Posts: 11892

Olivet, Michigan, US

Risen Phoenix Photo wrote:
+1000.   This unfortunately stems from a patriarchal bible verse , but it feeds into mans insecurity and his need to control.

It's all bullshit!!!  He needs to listen to his wife, he needs to allow her to follow her passion, at anytime, on or off and any age.

I would not let anyone get in the way of my passion for photography not my wife of 32 years, not my 2 daughters, not my job. 

That is why we are artists, we can think of nothing more important than what we create and that we find an audience to see it

My art, and passion for it, are important to me.  But it is NOT more important than my family.

Apr 03 13 02:20 pm Link

Photographer

Bob Helm Photography

Posts: 18213

Cherry Hill, New Jersey, US

Art of the nude wrote:

My art, and passion for it, are important to me.  But it is NOT more important than my family.

+1

Apr 03 13 02:24 pm Link

Model

Rachel-Elise

Posts: 1650

Grand Rapids, Michigan, US

Art of the nude wrote:

True story. I can't get through the produce section without getting hit on. -_-

Rachel-Elise  wrote:
Perhaps if you didn't grocery shop dressed like this:

http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/130402/09/515b08ecac679_m.jpg

xDDD

Apr 03 13 02:34 pm Link

Photographer

Kyle T Edwards

Posts: 434

St Catharines, Ontario, Canada

Amie, I'm not married, so take my opinion with a grain of salt and a slice of lemon.

Of course, everything I've heard about this has been from your side, so it's hard to get a full picture of this, but there are some problems on both sides of the fence, here, and they go far beyond modeling.

On one side, he appears to have some major control issues, as pretty much everyone here has noted.  His house, his castle, his woman.  I've met some women who still do like that approach, but most nowadays don't.

On the other side, you just married him and you're already belittling him publicly.  Of course he's clueless when it comes to modeling.  He's not a model!  Have you educated him about modeling and what you do?  Have you ever invited him along to let him see what you do?  If not, how do you expect him to learn?  Weren't you clueless when you started, too?

Before I got into photography, I thought pretty women did weird poses by rote, guys with expensive cameras pressed the shutter button, turned the camera 90 degrees and did it again, and ta-da!  An issue of Bazaar was born.  Alien Bees was a cheesy video game, not a studio light.  He's probably in the same boat.  If he's going to learn, he needs a teacher.

My point is that there seems to be a LOT of communication breakdown between you two; communication that really should have happened long before the wedding, but since it obviously didn't (for whatever reason), needs to be worked on immediately if you two want to have a happy life together.

Forget the modeling career, this is something that is going to affect the two of you every day you're together.  So please, please, go speak with a counselor, NOW!!

I really hope everything works out for you.

Apr 03 13 04:26 pm Link

Photographer

Patrick Walberg

Posts: 42751

Salinas, California, US

I don't think the OP is coming back?  It's been pages ago since she last posted!

Apr 03 13 04:35 pm Link

Photographer

Lora Weaver

Posts: 3541

Alexandria, Virginia, US

I think she's made her decision. She's put herself back out there in the newbie forum. smile

Apr 03 13 04:45 pm Link

Model

Miluna V

Posts: 14

Dayton, Ohio, US

Prior to getting married my husband knew of my dreams to do modeling but I suppose he did not think it would ever happen. Since becoming involved with model mayhem we have had to sit down and have a lengthy talk about the rules and what he feels about it. I was understanding and so was he. Perhaps you need to have a sit down to explain everything to him when you dont already have a shoot scheduled. Find out his feelings about all the little details like: Nudes, Male photographers vs female, Travel, expenses, and when it is appropriate for him to be present and when it is not.
For example set up some hard limits and soft ones.
Hard limit for my husband originally was: No nudes
Compromise version: Nudes only if shot with him present, or by a female photographer.

Marriage is about compromise. If he doesnt respect how you feel about this the marriage is doomed and if you dont respect his feelings the same goes. Consider how important he is vs how important modeling is and come to an agreement between you two on how to handle the situation. smile Good luck

Apr 03 13 05:04 pm Link

Photographer

sublime LightWorks

Posts: 6065

Atlanta, Georgia, US

Anzhelika Yakimenko wrote:
As this directly applies to me, perhaps try to make him a part of the photography, part of the creative process.  Let him be involved.  Make him a partner.

+1.

I'd add have the photographer talk to him and encourage him to come to the shoot. I've had many husbands and BF's attend shoots and have told me afterwards it was one of the best shoots they have attended. Make them feel at home, talk to them, etc.

He might just enjoy it.

Apr 03 13 05:18 pm Link

Photographer

WisconsinArt

Posts: 161

Nashotah, Wisconsin, US

I know what I would tell you to do but we're not married.

Apr 03 13 07:58 pm Link

Photographer

Vision Images by Jake

Posts: 412

Manteca, California, US

K I C K H A M wrote:
Decide where your priorities lie.

But, really, if my boyfriend told me what I could or could not do, I would see that as a serious flaw in our relationship. He doesn't make my decisions for me, and I don't make his for him. Any sort of controlling behavior like that would set me off pretty quickly.

I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Explain what your job is, why you like it, and why it's important to you. Let him voice why he thinks it's a bad idea.

If he has logical concerns, consider them. If there is a place to come to a compromise, consider it.

But, really, it wouldn't be the fear of losing modeling that would bother me in this situation, it would be the fact that my spouse thinks he can decide what hobbies and/or jobs I participate in. Unless he is funding them or they are getting in the way of my ability to support myself/ my share of bills/ and my ability to be a good spouse, it's really not his decision.

Now this is very sound advice, you could not have said it any better.  Nothing else needs to be said. Nicely worded!

Apr 03 13 08:05 pm Link

guide forum

Photographer

Giacomo Cirrincioni

Posts: 21384

New York, New York, US

AmieS wrote:
Well im home and heres the scoop... he said hes "not into that kind of stuff and he admitten that 65% is jealosy but.. hes my husband and head of our home. . If he says no or doesnt want me doing it I need to re spect that. I said well im not twlling u not to do fire ems thats your dream .... he said he just dont want me doing sonething thats a waste of time. We have to pay gas to get to the shoot etc... and if I dont get any paid gigs its another waste... idk im not happy at all I said I would never do lingerie or nude again and im not but I never said id never do it meaning model again I just stopped persuing it. Grrrrrrrr

Part of the problem is, we are not what we say, we are what we do.

By this I mean if you "never said you would stop completely" but you did stop completely while you were with him, all the while knowing he disapproves of it, well, it's not unreasonable for him to conclude that you had given it up.  And, if you were no longer pursuing modeling, why would he even bring the issue up.

If you raised bunnies as a hobby in the past, he probably wouldn't bring that up either.

I agree that people need to do what makes them happy and find other people who support them in what they do.  I agree that you should not allow a man to control you.  I might even agree that you probably shouldn't have married him (but I can't go that far, as I don't know either of you).  But to listen to a bunch of old, bitter dudes on the internet go on about how they'd "just leave" is just as sad, to say the least.  The guy isn't a "tool", he's like the majority of men (and women, for that matter).  We seem to forget that, societally speaking, we are the odd ones...

You knew what this man was like.  You knew exactly how he felt about such things.  You stopped modeling while you were with him.  Then you married him.  Do you really think it's so far fetched that he believed that this chapter in your life had closed now that you were married?   

Modeling will never be more than a hobby for you (even if you do manage to earn a few coins from it).  If your hobby is more important to you than your marriage, and it is perfectly valid for it to be, then do both of you a favor and end it.  If not, take up something else to spend your time on.

Apr 03 13 08:21 pm Link

Photographer

Ruben Sanchez

Posts: 3505

San Antonio, Texas, US

You should have checked his references, before you married him.  It's too late now.

Apr 04 13 02:20 am Link

Photographer

Nico Simon Princely

Posts: 1887

Las Vegas, Nevada, US

This should have been discovered waaaaay before you got married.

What is worth more to you  the guy or your modeling career. The guy very well be worth giving it up for. But he also might not be worth that.

But the first thing that pops into my mind when ever I hear of a BF or husband that want to go to the shoots is...

"This guy must seriously have no life, no goals and nothing going on in his own life AKA a real winner!"

Because I don't know any successful men that have the time to run around baby sitting their model girlfriends or wives. They are all too busy focusing on their own dreams and goals. I have dated models and not once have I ever wanted to or asked to go to one of their shoots! (I used to date a MUA that worked on Babylon 5 and used to visit her on the set, but not to check up on her, because it a really cool set and she'd invite me)

Apr 04 13 02:32 am Link

Photographer

Nico Simon Princely

Posts: 1887

Las Vegas, Nevada, US

Ruben Sanchez wrote:
You should have checked his references, before you married him.  It's too late now.

Maybe an llama herder also to protect her from the husband! He's much more likely to harm her than a photographer statistically!

Apr 04 13 02:33 am Link

Photographer

SensualThemes

Posts: 3042

Swoyersville, Pennsylvania, US

AmieS wrote:
Kinda sucks that my modeling is over because of my age... i know some women who are in magazines model into 70s...

im 30 next month and still get carded for alcohol and asked when i gradaute college.... and i thought 5'7 was a decent hight sad

Nothing is over, just certain categories get harder.

I'd love to work with you on a pinup series if you're interested.

Apr 04 13 05:54 am Link

Model

Axana

Posts: 126

Mississauga, Ontario, Canada

Well, Differences should clarified and talked about before the marriage. I recommend talking to the spouse first. Then if you still don't agree, it's your call, do I follow him? or do I leave him?

Apr 04 13 06:01 am Link

Photographer

KonstantKarma

Posts: 2513

Hickory, North Carolina, US

Lora Weaver wrote:
I think she's made her decision. She's put herself back out there in the newbie forum. smile

lol Do we take a pool on when the divorce papers are filed?

Apr 04 13 07:03 am Link

Model

Miroslava Svoboda

Posts: 555

Seattle, Washington, US

I am still waiting for the day when people will stop putting their personal stuff out there for the world to see.

Giacomo Cirrincioni wrote:
I agree that people need to do what makes them happy and find other people who support them in what they do.  I agree that you should not allow a man to control you.  I might even agree that you probably shouldn't have married him (but I can't go that far, as I don't know either of you).  But to listen to a bunch of old, bitter dudes on the internet go on about how they'd "just leave" is just as sad, to say the least.  The guy isn't a "tool", he's like the majority of men (and women, for that matter).  We seem to forget that, societally speaking, we are the odd ones...

This!!!

I also might have a problem with a purchase of a $120K and in my opinion unnecessary car, or with excessive trips to Vegas for example. Does that make me jealous or controlling. Nah, it just makes me a personal with my own views, opinions, and concerns. Those are just examples btw.


My question to the OP is why do you want to model? If it's a career the man is right, show him the money. If it's an artistic outlet modeling isn't the only way to make that happen, you can move into a different phase of the art creating process. Do you just like to be in front of the camera, well I don't blame him for being jealous then, maybe tell him to go take photography classes and get a good camera. Basically I see the problem in the fact that you have not made your motives/wishes clear. Obviously if you haven't been doing it for a while then it's not your career, and I would even go farther and assume that you husband has been the provider in the family. Is he the one who's going to be financing all of this?


Oh and how did everyone completely miss the fact that there is a child in the midst of all of this?

Apr 04 13 07:40 am Link

Photographer

Teila K Day Photography

Posts: 1943

Richmond, Indiana, US

John Jebbia wrote:
I think she has a duty to obey her husband.

I think she has a duty to herself and would set a good example for women all over the world if she told her husband that she didn't "approve" of his infantile behavior as she winks at him on her way to the photo shoot alone.

Ridiculous.

What's even more ridiculous is that a married woman got married before knowing what is or isn't acceptable in her marriage-  if modeling isn't acceptable in her marriage, but something that she wants to do, then she married the wrong guy.  This is just pathetic on so many levels.

Apr 04 13 12:50 pm Link

Model

V for Victory Modeling

Posts: 436

Roseville, California, US

AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then?

I think this dynamic would be noticed way before marriage....

Apr 04 13 01:10 pm Link

Model

V for Victory Modeling

Posts: 436

Roseville, California, US

Cherrystone wrote:

One doesn't find this all out, AFTER one gets married?

Was this someone who meet in Vegas on Friday, and got married in Reno on Saturday?

+100

Apr 04 13 01:11 pm Link

Model

-Jen-

Posts: 46836

Howell, Michigan, US

AmieS wrote:
Basically i modeled up until 2009.. he knew this when we were engaged and was thrilled however when we got engaged he did not want me to take part in anymore Nudes or lingerie etc. He feels my body is for his eyes only now which I respect. However... I got into contact w a photogapher on here I have been really wanting to shoot with over the years and he said we need to talk first I thought you were done... your a mom now you dont need to model anymore. Well... I figure since Ill be 30 next month and I dont look it... I may give it one more shot see where it gets me.. Course this being said I know how modeling goes since Ive done it since i was 21. Some shoots and some photographers dont want the spouse bf or lover there because or the tension or stress on the model of performing... and my husbands questions where...

where is this shoot at?
How much are you being paid and why are you agreeing to free.. you should be paid ( not understanding that sometimes it takes TFP to get to the good paid lol....
and can i come... if my wife is being photographed i want to watch...

personally I think its insecurities that are pulling him away... and its driving me nuts!

Sounds like he is insecure. 

You need to just straight up talk to him.

If he trusts you, then it wont be a problem to go to a shoot. If you have issues with him you two need to discuss it.

Apr 04 13 01:23 pm Link

Photographer

Dobias Fine Art Photo

Posts: 1695

Haddon Heights, New Jersey, US

I tell the boyfriend/hubby, "Congratulations!  YOU get to pay the modeling fees, and I DON'T!"

And I then proceed to say, "NEXT!"

He can be jealous all he wants, on his dime.

Apr 05 13 05:43 pm Link

Model

Jen B

Posts: 3183

Hopkinsville, Kentucky, US

AmieS wrote:
Basically i modeled up until 2009.. he knew this when we were engaged and was thrilled however when we got engaged he did not want me to take part in anymore Nudes or lingerie etc.

... I may give it one more shot see where it gets me..

and my husbands questions where...

where is this shoot at?
How much are you being paid and why are you agreeing to free.. you should be paid ( not understanding that sometimes it takes TFP to get to the good paid lol....
and can i come... if my wife is being photographed i want to watch...

personally I think its insecurities that are pulling him away... and its driving me nuts!

Hi,
Well, maybe it isn't quite as off as I thought initially. What I read above is questions about your shoot rather than him saying no, even though you mentioned that when you agreed to become engaged that he was honest in saying he didn't want you to shoot.

Now that you have changed the agreement on him, it seems as if maybe he is trying to bend with you in asking questions about the shoot rather than insisting that you maintain the engagement agreement about no modeling.

Maybe he is more flexible. Perhaps answer his questions honestly. Right? His questions mean that he is somewhat receptive and not closing the door that you are opening.

I hope this is a good sign for you both.
Jen

Apr 05 13 05:49 pm Link

Photographer

Click Hamilton

Posts: 34750

San Diego, California, US

Amie!

What a thread you have started here!

You certainly know how to provoke people, don't you?


I'm glad I'm not married. I don't have to worry about these things wink

Apr 05 13 05:52 pm Link

Model

Kelleth

Posts: 2528

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

If he's completely clueless about modelling then, first and foremost, you can start by educating him on how it works and what it does and doesn't involve. I have a hard time seeing a relationship as healthy when one party delegates what the other party can and cannot do. This is something that really needs to be discussed with him and thought about by you.

Apr 05 13 06:58 pm Link

Photographer

Dobias Fine Art Photo

Posts: 1695

Haddon Heights, New Jersey, US

Kelleth wrote:
If he's completely clueless about modelling then, first and foremost, you can start by educating him on how it works and what it does and doesn't involve. I have a hard time seeing a relationship as healthy when one party delegates what the other party can and cannot do. This is something that really needs to be discussed with him and thought about by you.

He wants his "private dancer."

Apr 05 13 07:01 pm Link

Photographer

Aaron Lewis Photography

Posts: 5083

Catskill, New York, US

Sounds like something you should have talked about before the marriage. I think the first post in this thread just about sums it up.

NC Art Photos wrote:
You say "No - get a life!  would you go with me to an office job or a job in retail?"

Also good information. It's a job, you're BF or husband doesn't go to work with you.

Apr 06 13 03:01 pm Link

Photographer

rp_photo

Posts: 42495

Houston, Texas, US

AmieS wrote:
what then?

The relative importance of llamaing and marriage is strictly personal, and only you can decide what is best to do.

Under no circumstances should past shoots be made the photographer's problem. What's done is done.

Ron Spackman wrote:
He has every right to say "no". But you have every right to ignore him. If he is so rigid and controlling that he can't handle what you choose to do, it says some very bad things about him. Your life will be hell if you always give in.

I tend to agree.

Erlinda wrote:
What did he do? Wait till he put a ring on it before he said how he felt about your llamaling? So sneaky! yikes

Or perhaps she forgot to mention the llamaing until then.

Apr 06 13 06:10 pm Link

Photographer

rp_photo

Posts: 42495

Houston, Texas, US

Erlinda wrote:
Please don't......


Someone as close minded as this is not needed in the photography world

DougBPhoto wrote:
I'm sorry, but next time marry a photographer?

And the model will be held back by the "exclusive" photographer/manager.

Apr 06 13 06:22 pm Link

Model

Isis22

Posts: 2576

Muncie, Indiana, US

I suggest you start off by getting a secret bank account and planning your escape from this insecure, jealous, control freak. It's only a matter of time before the relationship becomes abusive.

Apr 06 13 06:41 pm Link

Photographer

Flex Photography

Posts: 5297

Sudbury, Ontario, Canada

Decide whether you want to be a llama or a possession.

Apr 07 13 11:23 pm Link

Photographer

tootsiebook

Posts: 15

Waihi Beach, Waikato, New Zealand

Work from home?

Apr 08 13 12:43 am Link

Artist/Painter

Two Pears Studio

Posts: 3400

Wilmington, Delaware, US

Divorce maybe expensive... but often it is because it is worth it.

I think you have a sit down.. bring in a mediator and lay it all out there.

That way you both have choice. He can choose to accept it or not... and you can choose to live your life how you see fit.

Apr 08 13 08:55 am Link

Photographer

ontherocks

Posts: 22618

Salem, Oregon, US

being married isn't the same as being single! you are a team and everything you do can potentially affect the other person (especially financially if you don't maintain separate accounts).

if you want the freedom to do as you please then marriage may not be a good option for you (or you have to find a guy who is very relaxed about what his spouse gets up to).

Apr 08 13 09:03 am Link

Photographer

KonstantKarma

Posts: 2513

Hickory, North Carolina, US

rp_photo wrote:

Erlinda wrote:
Please don't......


Someone as close minded as this is not needed in the photography world

And the model will be held back by the "exclusive" photographer/manager.

It's true! One of the most drama-filled events I had was shooting a "photographer"s girlfriend model.

Apr 08 13 09:08 am Link

Photographer

Neil Templar

Posts: 398

Glastonbury, England, United Kingdom

You're married.
What are you trying to hide?

Apr 09 13 10:40 am Link

Photographer

Will Snizek Photography

Posts: 1387

Beckley, West Virginia, US

The OP is definitely gone.  I hate it when someone in a marriage uses the marriage as a power move to hold the other person back.  If someone is holding the other person back, you're probably with the wrong person.  As a husband, I find it to be my responsibility to encourage my wife with all of her goals and help out with them as I can.  I would never tell her what she can and can't do.  Being a husband doesn't make you a commander.  It's not a position with military ranks.

Apr 09 13 10:47 am Link

Photographer

Swanson Studios

Posts: 402

Galesburg, Illinois, US

Once you get married you lose the right to say I'm going to keep secrets from you... That is if you want to stay married very long.   Marriage should be an open book.  This should have all been out on the table as soon as he put the ring on your finger.

Apr 11 13 09:23 am Link

Photographer

Drew Smith Photography

Posts: 5210

Nottingham, England, United Kingdom

Swanson Studios wrote:
Once you get married you lose the right to say I'm going to keep secrets from you... That is if you want to stay married very long.   Marriage should be an open book.  This should have all been out on the table as soon as he put the ring on your finger.

LOL

You are either very young or very naive.  smile

Apr 11 13 09:29 am Link