Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
My grandma has stage 4 lung cancer.  If she makes it to my birthday in two weeks, I'll be surprised.

I've been at the house everyday.  I do their laundry, their vacuuming, their dishes, take out of their trash, and I help with everything grandma needs...which at this point is no more than getting a yogurt or pudding for her and changing sheets every few days.

My aunt is currently working from the house.  She does government work, so she has her laptop set up, and her schedule is flexible as long as she gets through her files for the day.

So today, I asked my grandpa if I could go watch the Packers game with a few friends and I'd make dinner after the game was done.  He knows how long a game is, he watches avidly.  He said yep, no problem, he wasn't hungry at all anyway.

I get home right after the game to find my aunt gone.  I ask where she is, grandpa says she's gone to get food.  He told her I was making chicken, but she insisted that it was too late and they needed food now.  So now my dinner plans are ruined, and of course my aunt walks in totally pissed off.  Tells me that I'm being selfish, that family comes first, and that I need to go home and grab a shower curtain (I have an extra) and to drop it off because 'she doesn't want to see my fucking face'.

So although I've been at the grandparents house from 9-9 everyday, do all their work, and then come home to try and run a business, I'm selfish because I left for 3 hours (when she was going to be there) to watch a game with friends.  Mind you, I did all the vacuuming, laundry, and dishes before I left.  So it's not like I left that all for her.  (also, it's a weekend...it's not like she had work)

That's how it's going to be.  She's going to shame me from the grandparents house, where my ailing grandma is, because she wants to be an effin' martyr.  And the grandparents are going to let it go because she works 'so hard' at her 'real job'.  Nevermind the fact that I'm there all day, and then go home to work until 4 a.m. to try and get shit done, and then go back.

Never good enough for them.  Never.

I get it.  I really don't see the point of it anymore.

I'm sorry that is happening to you. You really need to talk to the aunt though. Take charge of the conversation and don't let her butt in. After you have had your say listen to what she has to say. Whatever you do, don't do it in front of your grandmaw or grandpa and try your best not to get into an argument.
Hugs

MesmerEyes Photography wrote:

I'm sorry that is happening to you. You really need to talk to the aunt though. Take charge of the conversation and don't let her butt in. After you have had your say listen to what she has to say. Whatever you do, don't do it in front of your grandmaw or grandpa and try your best not to get into an argument.
Hugs

There is no talking.  I've tried.

She came in the front door screaming today.  And that's how it always is.  I try to get a word in, and then I just get screamed at more.

I walked out today.  Couldn't get a word in.  Grandpa called me to apologize, because he knows that I wasn't in the wrong, that I said where I was going and when I'd be back.  But that doesn't stop my aunt, never does.

Jim Shibley wrote:
Here's a hug.

Talk back to the bitch & tell her what you feel. Or think about what you'd like to tell her.

I tried to get in a word today and got nowhere.  That's always how it works.  She gets mad about something, flips out, and doesn't let anyone try to explain.

My grandpa called one night asking when I would be over.  I said "Just got out of the shower, be there in 10".  He heard "It'll be about an hour".

Yep, got screamed at for that one.  Told that I didn't care, that grandpa needed food and that I was going to let him starve, whatever else.  All because grandpa, who needs a hearing aid and refuses one, heard something wrong.  But of course I got lectured for an hour, and ignored when I tried to tell her I said 'shower' not 'hour'.  When grandpa told her, after I left, that he had misheard she just shrugged it off.  No apology, nothing.

Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
She gets mad about something, flips out, and doesn't let anyone try to explain.

Sounds like she may need someone to slap her and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT!"

And it sounds like you just might need to be that person.

Caradoc wrote:

Sounds like she may need someone to slap her and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT!"

And it sounds like you just might need to be that person.

I have a feeling if she says anything to me today, it's not going to end well.  Because I'm still really effin' pissed off from last night.

I don't like confrontation.  I hate it.  I do everything to avoid it.  But she's pushed me just far enough that she's going to see angry Laura instead of meek Laura that just walks away.

Mind you, I don't want to burden my grandma, so it'll be low key.  But she says one mean word to me, and I'm not going to bite my tongue.  She wants to dish shit?  I can do that too.

I already knew years ago that once my grandparents weren't around, I was moving the hell away, and wasn't going back.  My family, outside of my grandparents, has never treated me like family.  So I'd be losing nothing and gaining a whole lot of opportunity.

Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
I can't win.

You just said it all...

You can only control one person... I understand that it is sucky to have to deal with your aunt's grief while you are still going through it.

You didn't ask me, but my advice is two fold. First be pre-emptive with your aunt. Explain that you understand that she may have opinions about how things should go and she may be dealing with the stress of a dying parent, but you don't find it helpful for her to say the things she does... the impact on you is that you are sad and __________________ . (Fill in the blank) and the impact to her is you are less available and more likely to be who she is accusing you to be. Then invite her to create a new way of doing things... be generous, leave her touched moved and inspired by this new reality... I used to say, we could do this the hard way out we could find another way to make this work for us both... remember she doesn't see things or isn't reacting to the same things as you.

The second aspect is... don't react. The best way to diffuse or confuse someone is to react differently than they expect. If she comes at you with a certian energy you recognize... change the normal reaction and it will confuse the aggressor. Inject humor or ask a question... keep trying different things... She is used to you behaving a certain way and gets a pay off to behaving badly. Take that payoff away and she will have to change.

Two Pears Studio wrote:
The second aspect is... don't react. The best way to diffuse or confuse someone is to react differently than they expect. If she comes at you with a certian energy you recognize... change the normal reaction and it will confuse the aggressor. Inject humor or ask a question... keep trying different things... She is used to you behaving a certain way and gets a pay off to behaving badly. Take that payoff away and she will have to change.

My normal reaction is to stay quiet and walk away.  Because confrontation is not my thing.  I like to sit down and talk it out, but I know that won't happen with my aunt.  I've tried, it doesn't happen, so I just walk away because it's better than a yelling match that just escalates.

It's her birthday today.  I got her a card and a gift card.  I wrote a little note on the inside saying I know this birthday is hard, but I hope that she can still enjoy it, and that future birthdays will be better.  Oh, and that Panera has great soup and I hope she uses her gift card well.

I figure the higher ground is my best hope.  Maybe she'll respect me someday, and realize that I really do try to be a good person and help people out.  And heck, even if she never respects me, at least I'll respect myself knowing I tried my best.

Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:

My normal reaction is to stay quiet and walk away.  Because confrontation is not my thing.  I like to sit down and talk it out, but I know that won't happen with my aunt.  I've tried, it doesn't happen, so I just walk away because it's better than a yelling match that just escalates.

It's her birthday today.  I got her a card and a gift card.  I wrote a little note on the inside saying I know this birthday is hard, but I hope that she can still enjoy it, and that future birthdays will be better.  Oh, and that Panera has great soup and I hope she uses her gift card well.

I figure the higher ground is my best hope.  Maybe she'll respect me someday, and realize that I really do try to be a good person and help people out.  And heck, even if she never respects me, at least I'll respect myself knowing I tried my best.

beautiful

NicoleNudes wrote:
*hugs*

I would just focus on spending time with your grandma and telling her everything you want to tell her before she passes. That's what is important right now.

+1000