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Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:

My AC is broken,and because my home is going to be reposessed in a few months(the final anvil that my ex caused on me to me to have dropped on my head then what I have to do to protect myself from the extreme debt that I will have that can be collected on)I am in the same boat.I got a room here in Sarasota as I have 2 shoots this weekend,and I have slept in my truck when I have been home(kinda like I will be doing for a year or so until my credit clears up)

I'm sorry Chris. My place is in foreclosure too. Delaware makes things move a little slower to protect the poor person. But I'm out at some point soon.

Jul 01 12 11:02 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


I just had the pleasure of reading a wonderful message from a friend I had not talked with in a while. I think sometimes we feel we are all alone with problems and concerns coming from all sides and we are all alone. I was reminded that great people with great hearts are everywhere! When we are honest with ourselves and our brothers and sisters here there is so much love and kindness to be found.

I was having an OK day. A little warm but feeling groovy. Now I'm having myself a fine day!

KIND WORDS CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!
Jul 01 12 02:38 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
hgldhlhgfh
Posts: 576
Dumont d'Urville - permanent station of France, Sector claimed by France, Antarctica


Jul 03 12 04:26 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Well
another day of reading about/seeing people re create magical moments that can only happen during heat waves(the romantic midnight swims with your sig other),that you only have a few months to experience..
Remember when someone asked if people "gloating" over how wonderful their life is in a relationship on face book making them feel like shit because they are single..
Its a huge PTSD trigger for me,because its something I will never experience again being a piece of shit  loser old soon to be homeless trucker...

This is how it will always be for me..
And please cut the "love will find you when you least expect it or there is someone out there for everyone bullshit cliches",as I can't expect it when the only women I come in contact with during the day are the typical unatractive trailer trash variety in truck stops(which is why I don't expect it)

This is the time of year 25 years agoI was myself in a state of bliss with my first gf,enjoying summertime love in its totallity,and I want to experience this again before I die...
Except I will probably die never experiencing this again..
Jul 08 12 10:04 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Somebody please make the fucking pain go away
I can't deal anymore
Jul 10 12 08:23 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:
Somebody please make the fucking pain go away
I can't deal anymore

Chris, I'm sorry you are in this terrible place emotionally. You know that I also suffer from massive depression and have PTSD. Someday's are horrible and somedays are just survivable. All I can say to you is the same thing I say to myself. Keep going. Don't look for answers to come from the actions of anyone else. If our happiness depends on the action of another then we can't win. And that doesn't just apply to people like you and me and the other great wonderful people of this thread.

Please fight it and when you find something that works just a spark share it. And we can all grow together.

I'm back online after one of the worst weeks of my PTSD life. I pushed through because I missed you Chris. And I missed the other people here.

Jul 11 12 03:42 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


A common denominator I see from most participants in this thread. Lack of a physical support circle, group, friends, etc.,

Last week I was blessed to have my sister visit me. Just having her (a dear loved one) around my house was a huge uplift for me. Because I was at work most of the time we really didn't do a lot, but just having her around made such a big difference.  In the morning I would be in one room on my computer checking in and she would be in another doing the same or something similar.  Every so often something would inspire laughter in her. Just hearing that sound across my house was so awesome. Coming home to someone to talk to or getting up in the morning fixing our coffee and stuff... makes a big difference.

Isolation is the enemy.
Jul 11 12 09:07 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Star Child wrote:
A common denominator I see from most participants in this thread. Lack of a physical support circle, group, friends, etc.,

Last week I was blessed to have my sister visit me. Just having her (a dear loved one) around my house was a huge uplift for me. Because I was at work most of the time we really didn't do a lot, but just having her around made such a big difference.  In the morning I would be in one room on my computer checking in and she would be in another doing the same or something similar.  Every so often something would inspire laughter in her. Just hearing that sound across my house was so awesome. Coming home to someone to talk to or getting up in the morning fixing our coffee and stuff... makes a big difference.

Isolation is the enemy.

I agree totally Star. I'm hurting today. At its worse PTSD takes all the good away and all I'm left is my failure. I have all this sad pain and I have no where to put it. If I had family I could let little bits out each day. I think one of the things that may cause some of us to become isolated is that that we lay too much on people that love us. At some point they just can't take it. That leaves us further isolated with no where to turn too and it all builds up.

So I'm going to be as proactive as I can and try to form new friendships knowing that I have to be careful. There are so many lonely people out there in need of friendship. We just have to find a way to connect. Like you say Star, "Isolation is the enemy!"

Jul 11 12 11:28 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


I am an adult child of alcoholic parents. I've spent a rough night with events of my childhood forcing themselves into my mind. Dr. Janet G. Woititz came up with "The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children..." and it was like she was making a list of my behaviors. Now it turns out that this list also applies to children of parents with other addictions or violent behavior.

I want to post this here today because when we know why we do things that harm ourselves we can start the process of healing.

http://www.drjan.com/13char.html

Here are a few that hit me hard.


4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

Many of us as kids blame ourselves for the troubles at home. Accept today that it wasn't your fault. It was not your fault.

Bless you all today my friends. Thank you for seeing me through some dark days. I love you all very much!

Tim
Jul 12 12 04:41 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Tim Little Photography wrote:

Chris, I'm sorry you are in this terrible place emotionally. You know that I also suffer from massive depression and have PTSD. Someday's are horrible and somedays are just survivable. All I can say to you is the same thing I say to myself. Keep going. Don't look for answers to come from the actions of anyone else. If our happiness depends on the action of another then we can't win. And that doesn't just apply to people like you and me and the other great wonderful people of this thread.

Please fight it and when you find something that works just a spark share it. And we can all grow together.

I'm back online after one of the worst weeks of my PTSD life. I pushed through because I missed you Chris. And I missed the other people here.

Problem is that things I see in everyday life,whether it be a fb status,ect trigger my PTDS...
I can't escape it

Jul 13 12 10:54 am  Link  Quote 
Model
hgldhlhgfh
Posts: 576
Dumont d'Urville - permanent station of France, Sector claimed by France, Antarctica


Jul 13 12 05:06 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
BlueMoonPics
Posts: 3,980
New York, New York, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:

Problem is that things I see in everyday life,whether it be a fb status,ect trigger my PTDS...
I can't escape it

I read once that many people see others on fb having such a great time that it affects them negatively.  That's what it seems like but the reality is not so happy.  Don't be fooled by that bull.

Jul 13 12 05:44 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


BlueMoonPics wrote:

I read once that many people see others on fb having such a great time that it affects them negatively.  That's what it seems like but the reality is not so happy.  Don't be fooled by that bull.

there is a difference between the poliana fakes and those who are truly happy.
Its those that are in my face showing off how in love they are posting pics of activities with their sig others that I will never experience again that make me hit the death metal station on sirius xm

Jul 13 12 05:50 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


I received some news from my doctor's office yesterday that I want to share because it might be of value to the male visitors to our thread.

A blood test shows that I have very low testosterone levels. Testosterone is the hormone that basically deals with guy stuff. When the level is low it often causes:

Depression, sometimes severe and chronic
A reduced interest in sex
A reduced interest in most everything one used to enjoy
a glum sense of failure
Loss of muscle mass

And a host of other problems.

I consider this to be good news for a few reasons. First of all it is way easy to fix. One can choose from using a patch, a gel or monthly shots. From what I'm told the only reason to use the shots is to not have any of the hormone out where a female might come in contact with it. A child getting their hands on a patch could be bad.

I'm sharing this so any guys dealing with depression can be aware that a simple blood test can show if this a source of the problem.

In the past two weeks I've entered a regressive state, disassociated, cried a billion tears and dreamed of suicide. As you can imagine freedom from depression is vital for me to move forward with life. Reading the info about "Low T" was like reading my life story.

I learn more on Tuesday evening when I meet with the doctor and hopefully get started on replacement therapy. As always, I'll let you all know what is going on.

Have a great night everyone. I love you all very much!

Tim
Jul 13 12 09:39 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Testosterone loss is not my issue,as I have been taking NATURAL and LEGAL non perscription supplements that have my test rasied to that of a 28 year old(asparic acid,which is a naturally occouring but very rare amino acid that triggers testosterone production...an estrogen block...as any male over30 puts out more E than a 19 y,o girl...estrogen kills off testosterone in males,the biggest reason for test drop in males,and natural herbs that cause testosterone increases)
Jul 13 12 09:45 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Good morning S&V er's. Welcome to Sunday!
Jul 15 12 06:02 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Going to a beach bar by myself..
gee,how bad is my PTSD going to hit me today to remind myself how much of a loser I am..
The paradox being that nobody would notice one of the few selling points I do have(a beach body I have tortured myself in building the past 8 years)sitting at home online or somewhere else hmm
Jul 15 12 07:07 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:
Going to a beach bar by myself..
gee,how bad is my PTSD going to hit me today to remind myself how much of a loser I am..
The paradox being that nobody would notice one of the few selling points I do have(a beach body I have tortured myself in building the past 8 years)sitting at home online or somewhere else hmm

I have another question for you to consider today Chris. How hard are you going to work against the lies? Let that tight ass beach bod do all the talking today and just let yourself have fun. You get into a conversation with a pretty girl feel free to lie. It's allowed!!

Jul 15 12 08:08 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Tim Little Photography wrote:
I have another question for you to consider today Chris. How hard are you going to work against the lies? Let that tight ass beach bod do all the talking today and just let yourself have fun. You get into a conversation with a pretty girl feel free to lie. It's allowed!!

Because that conversation will never happen
1.most of the pretty ones will be with guys already.
2.The single ones will never talk to me because I am not the desireable tatted up wannabe gang banger MMA WANNABE milk chicken look a like they always chase
3.This is not eastern europe where the pretty ones will come up to you and talk
4.I am so socially inept,shy,and beaten down from rejection I will never initiate conversation

Jul 15 12 08:34 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:

Because that conversation will never happen
1.most of the pretty ones will be with guys already.
2.The single ones will never talk to me because I am not the desireable tatted up wannabe gang banger MMA WANNABE milk chicken look a like they always chase
3.This is not eastern europe where the pretty ones will come up to you and talk
4.I am so socially inept,shy,and beaten down from rejection I will never initiate conversation

OK.

Jul 15 12 10:44 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


Sometimes people look at their lives and life styles and recognize that big big changes must be taken in order to get to a better stage for healing. Some people move to new places. Others make career changes. Sometimes it's a question of toxic friendships, hobbies, even jobs.
Jul 16 12 05:20 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Low T update!

I went to the doctor today and I start putting a patch on tomorrow morning. My Testosterone (serum) level is 198. Low is considered 348. The healthy range is 350-1197.

I'll keep you up to date
Jul 17 12 08:01 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

I guess at the end of the day that I really wasn't ever going to recover from my hell that shut me down at 14,and the ramifications of piss poor parenting and being written off.


I guess sometimes self improvement and actually tryingto climb the ladder backfires when you artificially inflate what you see as your self worth to where you really belong...like the housing bubble...
Water finds its own level,and I inflated myself by damming a river,now the dam breaks,(the bubble bursts),and it reveals that I truly am a complete loser bag of shit that won't accept the fact that his place truly is being a bottom feeder.
And I can't accept the fact that I will never be more than a bottom feeder no matter how good of a person I am or how in shape I am...
It wasn't supposed to end like this for me.
I was supposed to win,by busting my ass,maintaining my will to say F U to those who wanted to keep me down,to my useless family.
At the end of the day when you areapparently fighting fate and destiny...even when by trying to win you make your desting self fufilling by making horrible decisions because you have no one in your life to tell you otherwise..you can't overcome
Jul 18 12 07:12 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

Classic distorted thinking. I'm glad my therapist taught me about this and how to break that cycle.

Jul 18 12 10:39 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


Jul 18 12 10:41 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Borgia
Posts: 766
Cardiff, Wales, United Kingdom


Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

Umm if you don't think you matter why would anyone else?
Not putting you down just trying to understand why you keep knocking Chris?
If you got shit on by one then try another. The other option of being alone for the rest of your days suks.
Only you can believe in you. Others will follow your lead.

Jul 18 12 11:12 am  Link  Quote 
Model
Jules NYC
Posts: 15,660
New York, New York, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

I guess at the end of the day that I really wasn't ever going to recover from my hell that shut me down at 14,and the ramifications of piss poor parenting and being written off.


I guess sometimes self improvement and actually tryingto climb the ladder backfires when you artificially inflate what you see as your self worth to where you really belong...like the housing bubble...
Water finds its own level,and I inflated myself by damming a river,now the dam breaks,(the bubble bursts),and it reveals that I truly am a complete loser bag of shit that won't accept the fact that his place truly is being a bottom feeder.
And I can't accept the fact that I will never be more than a bottom feeder no matter how good of a person I am or how in shape I am...
It wasn't supposed to end like this for me.
I was supposed to win,by busting my ass,maintaining my will to say F U to those who wanted to keep me down,to my useless family.
At the end of the day when you areapparently fighting fate and destiny...even when by trying to win you make your desting self fufilling by making horrible decisions because you have no one in your life to tell you otherwise..you can't overcome

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4127/4837225086_4e2791fa11_z.jpg

~ Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you

Aren't you lucky to have loved a woman so much to know what real love feels like.

Re: Family and people that have hurt you:
Knowing what is damaging to one's emotional growth, I'm sure those experiences made you very sensitive to being kind to others.

Having some shitty experiences with females has taught you what kinds of people to stay away from.

Life lessons!
They're tough, but you can be too:)

Hang in there Chris, I believe in you!smilesmile

Jul 18 12 03:15 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
hgldhlhgfh
Posts: 576
Dumont d'Urville - permanent station of France, Sector claimed by France, Antarctica


Jul 18 12 03:56 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Jules NYC
Posts: 15,660
New York, New York, US


Post hidden on Jan 08, 2013 01:46 pm
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Comments:
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Jul 18 12 04:21 pm  Link 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Post hidden on Jan 08, 2013 01:46 pm
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Jul 18 12 10:27 pm  Link 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Latest Low T update. So I took the prescription to CVS and find out that my insurance company has to have a talk with my doctor before they will even consider paying for it. So it could be a week or more before I get the medicine. It bothers me that Insurance companies are determining what care I get. That's what doctors are for. Besides, if this works my $800 a month anti-depressant can be eliminated. That would be great.

Other than that I'm feeling better. The first of the week was very hard for me but I'm good now.

How y'all doing?
Jul 18 12 10:31 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Samantha Liana
Posts: 2,621
Toronto, Ontario, Canada


I'm just waiting for the day I get weak enough to just end it all.
Jul 20 12 03:10 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Samantha Liana wrote:
I'm just waiting for the day I get weak enough to just end it all.

Samantha, I'm so sorry you are at a place in your life where suicide seems like a solution. I would be lying if I said I have never been at that place. I don't know the circumstances that have put you in this place but talk always helps. I sorry it took so long to respond to your forum post. PLEASE feel free to private message me anytime you want. I am always very happy to spend some time helping my MM friends work through their issues. If you like to talk I can let you have my phone number too.

The thing is Samantha, there are people who care about you. Please don't hurt yourself.

Jul 22 12 01:17 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Tim Little Photography wrote:
Latest Low T update. So I took the prescription to CVS and find out that my insurance company has to have a talk with my doctor before they will even consider paying for it. So it could be a week or more before I get the medicine. It bothers me that Insurance companies are determining what care I get. That's what doctors are for. Besides, if this works my $800 a month anti-depressant can be eliminated. That would be great.

Other than that I'm feeling better. The first of the week was very hard for me but I'm good now.

How y'all doing?

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...
Not to turn this into a soap Box thread,but this is one of the main reasons I am so against "socialized"medicine,the govt(in our case who will basicly own the insurance companies)can now decide what is best for everyone treatment wise.(and I use the example of my close friend in the heavy metal band Redemption who had a very rare cancer with a 75% mortality rate.If he lived in a country even like Canada he would have either had to have come to the states for treatment or died(he had a friend living in the UK who did perish who had this form of cancer because the form of treatment my friend received was illegal in the UK)
I hope for everyone's sake the US doesn't go that route,even with the issues we speak of here that need medication.

OK

Jul 22 12 03:29 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...
Not to turn this into a soap Box thread,but this is one of the main reasons I am so against "socialized"medicine,the govt(in our case who will basicly own the insurance companies)can now decide what is best for everyone treatment wise.(and I use the example of my close friend in the heavy metal band Redemption who had a very rare cancer with a 75% mortality rate.If he lived in a country even like Canada he would have either had to have come to the states for treatment or died(he had a friend living in the UK who did perish who had this form of cancer because the form of treatment my friend received was illegal in the UK)
I hope for everyone's sake the US doesn't go that route,even with the issues we speak of here that need medication.

OK

I'm on Prozac. I'm neither zombified or emotionless. I no longer have extreme lows and my panic attacks are relatively low if at all. People around me have no idea that I'm on any type of medication.

In the mental health medical field it's generally regarded that the best method of treatment is a combination of medicine and therapy. I have found my greatest gains in recovery were during the times when I've regularly seen a therapist.

When I was unemployed and under-employed I qualified for a special program which provided me with no cost visits to a psychiatrist and therapist along with prescription insurance that gave me extremely discounted rates on my medications.

Now I have insurance through my employer and my coverage for prescription drugs isn't as good. I used to get a 30 day supply of my prescription for $6 out of pocket expense. Now it's $30. Since it's a struggle to afford that at my low rate of pay I haven't even tried to see a therapist for fear that I can't afford the co-pay. I guess I was better off unemployed.

Jul 24 12 06:17 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39,268
Nashville, Tennessee, US


Samantha Liana wrote:
I'm just waiting for the day I get weak enough to just end it all.

Sometimes the struggle to take charge and overcome leaves us weary. There's so much to battle. We have exert so much to fight back that we lose sight of what we're fighting for. A lot of the time I give myself credit for making small steps towards victory even though I so wish just be better.

One of the things that I've managed to get back in control of is the realization that "Yes. I do matter. Yes. I do have a purpose in this world." I used to be romanced by suicidal thoughts. Now, I see them as an assault from the enemy and easily reject them. That didn't happen overnight. First I had to take those ideas to heart (choose to believe them) and then I had to keep fighting back - even when all I could do was hold on.

I committed myself to holding on and making progress, first for the sake of my two cats, then family, then friends and even just to piss off my haters (I never wanted to give them the satisfaction anyway).

Jul 24 12 06:36 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
hgldhlhgfh
Posts: 576
Dumont d'Urville - permanent station of France, Sector claimed by France, Antarctica


Jul 25 12 05:39 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Post hidden on Jan 08, 2013 01:47 pm
Reason: other
Comments:
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Jul 25 12 06:00 pm  Link 
Photographer
Tim Little Photography
Posts: 11,530
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Chris Rifkin wrote:

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...

Chris, I think you might be thinking of the old Tricyclic antidepressants that were developed in the 1950's. Sadly, this was all we had until a new class of drugs were developed. When I was first treated for depression I took a Tricyclic  one time. I took it at bed time as directed and woke up at bed time the next day. I had slept through work and felt disconnected. The SSRI's or Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors don't have that heavy effect. They are slow to act. It takes 2-4 weeks for a therapeutic level to build up in your system. Since it comes on very slow any side effect is caught very early before it becomes a big deal.

But now there are even better antidepressants that control the reuptake of  serotonin and  norepinephrine.

I also want to encourage you to get a blood test and have them check your hormone levels. As I've posted, Low Testosterone can bring on severe depression, anxiety, fatigue and a lack of interest in things we once loved. I got the pre-approval from insurance and started the treatment this morning. All you do is open a little tube and rub the gel into your shoulders until it absorbs.

I see depression, and anxiety and PTSD as demons and I will fight the son's of bitches every way I can. Anymore of my life they want they are going to have to fight for. I hope you find a way to become proactive in your struggle my friend.

Jul 26 12 09:21 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 24,423
Tampa, Florida, US


Shockingly my test level was 865 when I went for my DOT physical(the equivilant of a 27 year old male),but this is because I have been using natural testosterone boositng supplements(a powerful legal estrogen block,the older you get the more estrogen a man put out,and estrogen blocks testosterone production, Viradex,which is made up of a cortisol block and asparic acid,which is a natural but very rare amino acid that causes you to produce more testosterone...)
testosterone is not the issue here...

The lonliness induced depression is,and this also has killed off my sex drive..I have basicly been asexual since Dec of 2006 when my fiance left me...
Jul 26 12 09:50 am  Link  Quote 
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