Danielle Reid wrote:
This post isn't really about suicide or violence, I just need to get it out of my system. It's been about 2 weeks since my fiancé left for some training in the desert on the west coast and about 5 days since he's been on mission to where he can't have his phone. I thought it'll be okay since he'll be able to call me again in a few days and be back home in a few weeks, but tonight the knowledge of him being gone really hit me. I haven't been able to sleep since he left. I spend all my time thinking about him and day dreaming about conversations we use to have.

A little while ago I just started crying for no reason. I'm crying now as I write this. I just want him back holding me or saying something stupid that annoys me. I'd rather be fighting with him in my face than have him so far away.

I can't deal with him being gone for 4 weeks and still in the US, so how am I going to deal with him on deployment for a year starting in August? This deployment is going to kill me I already know. I thought I would be okay but I can already see I'm not ready for this. I don't know what to do anymore. If I could go with him I'd pack up now and leave everything behind. But I know I can't there's just no way. Why did I have to fall for an Army guy? I always told myself I never wanted to be an Army wife and now I know I should have stuck with that. I can't handle this. 

Sorry for it being so long but I needed to get it out. Also I apologize for any mistakes, I'm on my phone

Danielle, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Separation  anxiety is hard but with time it will get better. The important thing is you have a person in your life and you both have a super love for one another. There is nothing more important and beautiful. I have you and your Fiancé in my prayers. May God bless and protect you both. Please let him know how much I appreciate his service to our country.

Star Child wrote:
Well, this happened..

And then it comes next door

I feel like it might as well have been me

She's hurting so bad right now and I hurt for her.

sorry to hear about this. Hugs. One day at a time.

Phane wrote:
Bad time right now!
not feeling accepted or loved.

Peace be yours

Jules NYC wrote:

Phane wrote:
Bad time right now!
not feeling accepted or loved.

Peace be yours

[/quo


I don't get it but thanks.
Just a bad night, feeling really low.

Phane wrote:
Bad time right now!
not feeling accepted or loved.

Been this way all month for me
And nobody has the right solution

Chris Rifkin wrote:

Been this way all month for me
And nobody has the right solution

How do you deal with it?

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Been this way all month for me
And nobody has the right solution

you will when the time is right. No one else can have that answer for you. It is also constant work. There is not one specific "thing" that works. It is collectively turning things around for yourself. It takes time and a lot of effort.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
I'll always just be that awesome guy who gives his heart and soul away for no other reason than because that's how I roll

Stick with that + Match.com (or similar) to sync up with other people looking for someone. I have a bunch of friends that have met quality people, significant others and spouses off of there. 

Come on over and I'll fire off some profile images for ya bud.  I'm even willing to fuck with the "industry" and shoot you for free Chris.

bgcfoto wrote:
Stick with that + Match.com (or similar) to sync up with other people looking for someone. I have a bunch of friends that have met quality people, significant others and spouses off of there. 

Come on over and I'll fire off some profile images for ya bud.  I'm even willing to fuck with the "industry" and shoot you for free Chris.

Been there done that..had 4 different accounts at one point...
Again..I don't have that "it" factor that will make someone I would really like make me their first choice..I have found out the only way dating sites work is if you are willing to lower your standards..its an excersize in how far are you willing to lower them(which I'm not because one time I was a blissfully happy in a relationshit as you can be and I want that again)

Not to mention I was severely catfished on match.com(documented many times on here)
I will take you up on your offer though because I kinda have to do something once I get into a new living condition

Chris Rifkin wrote:

Been there done that..had 4 different accounts at one point...
Again..I don't have that "it" factor that will make someone I would really like make me their first choice..I have found out the only way dating sites work is if you are willing to lower your standards..its an excersize in how far are you willing to lower them(which I'm not because one time I was a blissfully happy in a relationshit as you can be and I want that again)

Not to mention I was severely catfished on match.com(documented many times on here)
I will take you up on your offer though because I kinda have to do something once I get into a new living condition

I can say that my friends did not lower their standards and are all pretty "blissfull"   

Put your bio up for review Chris. Perhaps there may be a constructive rewrite that will yield better results. (this is suggested since you have all else on the table. and this is in brackets because you use them all the time)      

As far as being Catfished, there are dicks all over the internet (just google dicks)  Sorry that's going to happen but damn, don't stick your emotions into anything.  Not right away.  I would imagine then that's easy bait.

The offer is out there anytime.  Just let me know.

bgcfoto wrote:

I can say that my friends did not lower their standards and are all pretty "blissfull"   

Put your bio up for review Chris. Perhaps there may be a constructive rewrite that will yield better results. (this is suggested since you have all else on the table. and this is in brackets because you use them all the time)      

As far as being Catfished, there are dicks all over the internet (just google dicks)  Sorry that's going to happen but damn, don't stick your emotions into anything.  Not right away.  I would imagine then that's easy bait.
Agt
The offer is out there anytime.  Just let me know.

I was actually catfished by a 47 30 lb woman from akansas that was using her daughter as bait(I was actually talking to the daughter...25 year old Carrie underwood type country girl..she even talked to me on webcam...and I ended up flying her mom into tampa...the horror and the sickening feeling when I realized what had happened(and yes...don't care if anyone thinks less of me for doing this but I left her ass at the airport)
Again..if you don't have that one it factor that makes someone I feel is desireable see me stand out on any of these sites or even the internet...I'm just another guy competing with millions of other guys looking for the same thing

The only prayer maybe is if I have one of my model friends run a dating profile (kinda like a sluggo account)

Chris Rifkin wrote:
I was actually catfished by a 47 30 lb woman from akansas that was using her daughter as bait(I was actually talking to the daughter...25 year old Carrie underwood type country girl..she even talked to me on webcam...and I ended up flying her mom into tampa...the horror and the sickening feeling when I realized what had happened(and yes...don't care if anyone thinks less of me for doing this but I left her ass at the airport)
Again..if you don't have that one it factor that makes someone I feel is desireable see me stand out on any of these sites or even the internet...I'm just another guy competing with millions of other guys looking for the same thing

The only prayer maybe is if I have one of my model friends run a dating profile (kinda like a sluggo account)

First off,  Carrie Underwood? ew  As documented on video, she will mess up your truck and some other country style shit.   Why not a Kimberly Perry or Taylor Swift? 

As for the bait n switch, you were lied too then leaving her ass at the airport?  Whatever, I don't judge. Don't have to explain that one.   

It happened, shove it in the "that's life" category and then,....next! 

retool the approach, like I said, you may get better results. 

Elaborate more on your model friends making a page? Who benefits from this?

When are you in town next?

bgcfoto wrote:

First off,  Carrie Underwood? ew  As documented on video, she will mess up your truck and some other country style shit.   Why not a Kimberly Perry or Taylor Swift? 

As for the bait n switch, you were lied too then leaving her ass at the airport?  Whatever, I don't judge. Don't have to explain that one.   

It happened, shove it in the "that's life" category and then,....next! 

retool the approach, like I said, you may get better results. 

Elaborate more on your model friends making a page? Who benefits from this?

When are you in town next?

carrie underwood type(you get my drift..really prettu country girl next door type...though the way Taylor Swift is going both of us will probably not only have the chance to date her but have songs written about us...but I dgress)

The  idea of one of my model friends possibly running it is a differnt approach...having someone who is pretty enough to be someone I shoot with make a profile in the way that they would want to see a profile of a guy they would find desirable could be something that makes me stand out from all the other random dicks on there and could make the first contact with someone I would be interested in (in a way she would want a first contact)..remember..i am extremely socially inept and shy and I would in all likely hood blow my first impression)but again...the only people who make out well with dating sites are really pretty women who can pick and choose the best...and I have 2 major strikes against me as I'm not college educated and my job is up there with garbage man as the most undesirable occupations that a single guy can have....meaning my only chance of meeting soeone is somewhere in the country or southeast......

Ill be vack the 12th through the 18th(fetcon week)

Chris Rifkin wrote:

carrie underwood type(you get my drift..really prettu country girl next door type...though the way Taylor Swift is going both of us will probably not only have the chance to date her but have songs written about us...but I dgress)

The  idea of one of my model friends possibly running it is a differnt approach...having someone who is pretty enough to be someone I shoot with make a profile in the way that they would want to see a profile of a guy they would find desirable could be something that makes me stand out from all the other random dicks on there and could make the first contact with someone I would be interested in (in a way she would want a first contact)..remember..i am extremely socially inept and shy and I would in all likely hood blow my first impression)but again...the only people who make out well with dating sites are really pretty women who can pick and choose the best...and I have 2 major strikes against me as I'm not college educated and my job is up there with garbage man as the most undesirable occupations that a single guy can have....meaning my only chance of meeting soeone is somewhere in the country or southeast......

Ill be vack the 12th through the 18th(fetcon week)

so you will be all tied up from the 12th-18th,...... 

Wait so, have one of your pretty friends create a profile in your name and act on your behalf?  I want to make sure I understood that correctly. I'm reminded of that classic scene in many O movies to where the guy is sitting under the window with his buddy off in the bushes whispering the lines...

I agree this is a different approach. I did suggest putting your profile (to your friends) up for review/rewrite/tighten up your words. Your suggestion is a little more extreme.  I couldn't imagine the lady on the other end not being happy your initial interaction since she wouldn't be conversing with, you?  Didn't you just post up earlier how you were in similar way a victim of this?  Catfish-like?

As far as your job, you have a job. Make good bank. "travel".  College is great but I know plenty of idiots with/without college.  Don't be an idiot. 

The only thing you need to worry about and you should warn any girl you meet, that part of the year your heart belongs to the Giants.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
I wish I could have been somewhere you could have had trasnportation to as I still have the offer for a shoot if somehow I can get somewhere we can....

As you can see above I suffer from extreme self esteem issues(born out of horrific bullying that shut me down socially at age 14,an overbearing mother who insisted God was the answer to everything,and "friends"who perpetuated my lack of self worth that saw the weakness and told me in effect I was the "designated take one for the team"guy when meating women(and I wouldn't lower myself to that,thus friends were scarce till I moved away from NY)

You have the advantage of having a boyfriend that loves you for you and thinks you are beautiful..
You have something I would die for(well,not a BOYfriend,but a girl who would see through my obstacles and take what I have to give)...
I know its not much,but you have something special....
you don't realize it but you have something more than many will ever have right now

I am very grateful for my boyfriend at times however, while I do like how he sees me as special, it's like he doesn't want to bother how much modeling is/was a dream to me. It's soooo frustrating I feel like bursting into tears every day. I look at myself in the mirror with no pre-conceived notions other then thinking I'm an all right girl, but then it all gets shattered because 9 out of 10 times I'm never good enough for anything in modeling. I'll *never* be good enough for high fashion, apparently I'm no good for Playboy, I even tried to reach out to this really small boutique that does some fun fashion shows but the owner rejected me because, of course, I'm "too short" meanwhile some of his models look like they could be my height without heels. Then he tells me "I'll contact you again if we ever need 'your look'". What's 'my look' exactly and why does it warrant such shitty feedback from people. Yeah, I get rejection is a part of modeling but I'm not even reaching for anything that big. I also hate the "we'll call you if we ever need..." line because you *know* that they are *never* going to need me, if they did they wouldn't have shot me down to begin with! I'm starting to think my pictures have something to do with it and if a photographer could capture an amazing shot of me then maybe people's minds will change, or maybe that's just a false hope I'm feeding myself. I truly do like to think I'm just as gorgeous as any girl shorter or taller then I am around my own age, but apparently I think wrong. I'm crying so bad right now. I just want to be seen as serious, as something to be reckoned with but no matter how hard I push myself in shoots it seems everyone just looks past/down at me (literally and figuratively). I remember some thread I put up about why I wasn't getting any photoshoot offers or whatever, and of course one of the first comments was from a fellow model on here saying basically there was just (plain and simple) nothing particularly special about my look. It's just a reminder of how people think I'm no big deal. Just another average midget =/ I don't understand why I bother trying to work myself up about my looks.

Katie Pagani wrote:

I am very grateful for my boyfriend at times however, while I do like how he sees me as special, it's like he doesn't want to bother how much modeling is/was a dream to me. It's soooo frustrating I feel like bursting into tears every day. I look at myself in the mirror with no pre-conceived notions other then thinking I'm an all right girl, but then it all gets shattered because 9 out of 10 times I'm never good enough for anything in modeling. I'll *never* be good enough for high fashion, apparently I'm no good for Playboy, I even tried to reach out to this really small boutique that does some fun fashion shows but the owner rejected me because, of course, I'm "too short" meanwhile some of his models look like they could be my height without heels. Then he tells me "I'll contact you again if we ever need 'your look'". What's 'my look' exactly and why does it warrant such shitty feedback from people. Yeah, I get rejection is a part of modeling but I'm not even reaching for anything that big. I also hate the "we'll call you if we ever need..." line because you *know* that they are *never* going to need me, if they did they wouldn't have shot me down to begin with! I'm starting to think my pictures have something to do with it and if a photographer could capture an amazing shot of me then maybe people's minds will change, or maybe that's just a false hope I'm feeding myself. I truly do like to think I'm just as gorgeous as any girl shorter or taller then I am around my own age, but apparently I think wrong. I'm crying so bad right now. I just want to be seen as serious, as something to be reckoned with but no matter how hard I push myself in shoots it seems everyone just looks past/down at me (literally and figuratively). I remember some thread I put up about why I wasn't getting any photoshoot offers or whatever, and of course one of the first comments was from a fellow model on here saying basically there was just (plain and simple) nothing particularly special about my look. It's just a reminder of how people think I'm no big deal. Just another average midget =/ I don't understand why I bother trying to work myself up about my looks.

I feel this way alot as well sweetie.  But I do think sometimes you have to take a step back and find ways to love yourself. Treat yourself like you would someone you really care about.

Amanda Lauren wrote:
Does anyone else have severe anxiety that borders on agoraphobia sometimes? I was very agoraphobic for a couple years and have gotten better but anxiety and depression keep a bit of a control on my life still. Sorry if I missed a post about someone else with it but I haven't known anyone else with agoraphobia type anxiety, and there are quite a few posts here lol

I am positive there are many people who share that issue.

I'm not sure, but I think there might be more people with issues who would post in the thread if it did not seem to be primarily devoted to suicide and depression leading to suicide.

That said, yes, I think there are a lot of people on the site (and who knows in the thread) with anxiety, social anxiety and even approaching the levels of agoraphobia.

Personally, I wish our society did not place such a stigma and such judgment on people who face such challenges. 

We need greater understanding not judgment, fear, and/or hostility.

Amanda Lauren wrote:
For me, my depression and anxiety would go hand in hand...I first started out with horrible depression and contemplated suicide everyday, and would cut myself. After a while I started getting panic attacks that got worse to where I couldn't leave my house, was put on anxiety/depression meds that only helped slightly, but the whole situation just leaves me more depressed because it's controlling my life.

Sorry, I meant suicide and violence (as the official title of the thread) while it should also be very inclusive of depression too.   

(IMHO anxiety too, but who am I to say.)

I've tried to talk about depression before and it seemed like there was some question as to if depression was adequate to participate/belong.

Since you're on meds, do you also have a professional that you can talk with to discuss the anxiety?

I do think far more people deal with/fight with these things than people know, primarily because our society places such shame and judgement on people with these conditions.... which, does not help matters either. 

Stay strong, and drop me a line any time if you feel the need.

Amanda Lauren wrote:
Does anyone else have severe anxiety that borders on agoraphobia sometimes? I was very agoraphobic for a couple years and have gotten better but anxiety and depression keep a bit of a control on my life still. Sorry if I missed a post about someone else with it but I haven't known anyone else with agoraphobia type anxiety, and there are quite a few posts here lol

Yes, I've suffered from this on and off. It was at it's worse when I was about 13/14, but I was probably at my worst with anxiety and depression at that point too.
Since then It's mostly been self help, trying to get over fears and anxiety I've held over my life.
Things like, Using public transport by myself, which I was deathly afraid of, and had full blown panic attacks over, but I made myself do it.

I still have problems with depression and anxiety, not so much agrophobia now (I'm 19 and have moved about the country quite allot since then), but recently due to personal circumstance it has gotten much worse again. I've never been a condfident person, so I don't have a social life, or any 'friends' I can hang about with, I find it very difficult to go out to social events etc without wanting to run away, but I have to keep telling myself to do it. It's a very slow process, and thoughts of paranoia of late keep getting worse due to my situations.

Amanda Lauren wrote:
why thank you. I haven't talked to a therapist or anything because of financial reasons and also because I feel like someone analyzing my life might be thinking its the wrong thing when it isn't that makes me depressed and that wont fix anything lol if that makes any sense. Ive just been trying to find what makes me happy and try handling things the best I can for now, and reading books about others with the same issues. Hell, with all the issues people have nowadays, they almost all coincide with each other under depression/anxiety/ocd/bipolar. Pretty much whatever isn't considered "normal" mentality. I guess that's why so many people, including myself, have hidden for so long.

Perhaps a support group (in addition to this one) would help.

You are right, a lot of those things are very closely related... I am friends with a few people who have all those things (in addition to my personal experiences) and it is all tough enough to live with, and then you get those awesome persons whose "helpful" advice and attitude is just "get over it".

Avoid people who don't have compassion or empathy, we need to build ourselves up so don't take shit from people who only want to tear others down.

S K E L E T O N  K E Y wrote:

Yes, I've suffered from this on and off. It was at it's worse when I was about 13/14, but I was probably at my worst with anxiety and depression at that point too.
Since then It's mostly been self help, trying to get over fears and anxiety I've held over my life.
Things like, Using public transport by myself, which I was deathly afraid of, and had full blown panic attacks over, but I made myself do it.

I still have problems with depression and anxiety, not so much agrophobia now (I'm 19 and have moved about the country quite allot since then), but recently due to personal circumstance it has gotten much worse again. I've never been a condfident person, so I don't have a social life, or any 'friends' I can hang about with, I find it very difficult to go out to social events etc without wanting to run away, but I have to keep telling myself to do it. It's a very slow process, and thoughts of paranoia of late keep getting worse due to my situations.

I know just how you feel. I don't even like going to the store by myself and many trips to the mall or walmart are too much sometimes, its just annoying really.

DougBPhoto wrote:

Perhaps a support group (in addition to this one) would help.

You are right, a lot of those things are very closely related... I am friends with a few people who have all those things (in addition to my personal experiences) and it is all tough enough to live with, and then you get those awesome persons whose "helpful" advice and attitude is just "get over it".

Avoid people who don't have compassion or empathy, we need to build ourselves up so don't take shit from people who only want to tear others down.

ugh, I hate the "just get over it" stuff! I've heard it so many times, and so many times it's like "oh she's scared of this and that blah blah" no, not really. I'm just scared of the panic attacks really, they're terrifying. Being around things that trigger them aren't exactly things I'm afraid of, I just avoid them to avoid the panic attack I get being there. It's such a vicious cycle

Amanda Lauren wrote:

ugh, I hate the "just get over it" stuff! I've heard it so many times, and so many times it's like "oh she's scared of this and that blah blah" no, not really. I'm just scared of the panic attacks really, they're terrifying. Being around things that trigger them aren't exactly things I'm afraid of, I just avoid them to avoid the panic attack I get being there. It's such a vicious cycle

I hear ya.

Makes me wonder what things would be like if people had more compassion and less selfishness.

Amanda Lauren wrote:
ugh, I hate the "just get over it" stuff!

There is one person in this thread who have basicly told me to do just that,which is why I generally ignore this person's advice because I generally ignore un useful "help"(imo,hearing that makes one go more swiftly twards a self demise than compassion)
I try to surround myself with positive people who tend to like being around me,general lonliness for long periods of time tend to cause myself to slide into a deep funk

DougBPhoto wrote:

I hear ya.

Makes me wonder what things would be like if people had more compassion and less selfishness.

I wonder the same thing

Amanda Lauren wrote:
Some people just make me wonder. If you're not living the life of the depressed/anxious..etc, you don't really understand what they're going through fully. At least some support would help if you don't understand, ya know?

its hard for people who havent been through it to imagine or offer the kind of help you "need" because people often dont know what it is you need. Its hard for the person going through it to verbalize at times because you may wish people just "got it" because if they "cared enough" they might understand or at least thats how you may feel at times. Its not true. people truly do care. Not everyone cares the way you want them to care, but some REALLY do care, and you may be pushing them away because you are scared to feel better. Im not saying YOU specifically, im saying in general. It's a way for us to stop ourselves from healing. We have to fight it.

edit: trust me on this one. Once you can get past it and see that you may deserve to feel better, things start to feel amazing. It has taken me 33 years. It was a loooong process. IM not healed in any way, but im getting there. You can too. You have to have been through shit, in order to figure it out. I am working on it. When I die I will still be figuring it out.