I feel my friends have gone too far in their demands and insults to their friends who are trying to support them on their big day. Honestly I don't even want to attend any more, but I feel I have to, and I want to be there for my friend.
Should I say something beforehand or should I keep my mouth shut? I feel like there's this ridiculous unspoken rule on not saying or doing anything negative when people are getting married, but let's be real. They're being assholes.
Erin Holmes wrote: Should I say something beforehand or should I keep my mouth shut? I feel like there's this ridiculous unspoken rule on not saying or doing anything negative when people are getting married, but let's be real. They're being assholes.
If they're really friends, then telling them is the best path.
If they're not, then break contact and don't go. If they get the message, good. If not, then you really didn't need them as friends in the first place.
I'd have to copy and paste months of messages for the context to be properly expressed, but I think the biggest thing bugging me is I'm spending over $700 to be there and I'm getting harassed about my husband not attending and to make sure my toenails are painted the same color as my shoes. They know my husband is military and can't just take off work whenever he pleases, much less afford the tickets for both of us.
I'm afraid to discuss any detail of the wedding with them for getting my head bit off. I asked my friend if she'd like me to do trash the dress photos for them and she got very offended at the suggestion of trashing her dress...*facepalm* It's called that, it doesn't mean you need to literally trash your dress.
C. Scott Photography wrote: Meh, I don't like drama, so I prove it by not being around drama.
I find that most people say they don't like drama, and then prove that they actually do by sticking around drama.
We've been friends since grade school and kept somewhat in touch. She's remained strongly attached to me while...I hate to say this, but I haven't so much. I've barely seen her since high school since I've been moving all around and living a totally different life from the way she went. I do care about her, but she's not a big part of my life.
I'm trying to keep the wedding drama as low and nonexistent as possible. I've dealt with drama coming from my family, trying to control who I invite and stuff like that. -_- No need to add my own and impose it to my guests.
For my bridesmaids, all I ask is a white outfit. I would never dare ask them to pay for a dress they will only wear once. I never ever understood the point in that.
We've been friends since grade school and kept somewhat in touch. She's remained strongly attached to me while...I hate to say this, but I haven't so much. I've barely seen her since high school since I've been moving all around and living a totally different life from the way she went. I do care about her, but she's not a big part of my life.
If she's giving you more grief than it's worth then I say don't go.
P I X I E wrote: I'm trying to keep the wedding drama as low and nonexistent as possible. I've dealt with drama coming from my family, trying to control who I invite and stuff like that. -_- No need to add my own and impose it to my guests.
For my bridesmaids, all I ask is a white outfit. I would never dare ask them to pay for a dress they will only wear once. I never ever understood the point in that.
Same here. I just had one bridesmaid, my maid of honor. I pretty much gave her free reign to wear whatever she wanted.
Be open and honest with them. If they don't respect your family's military/financial situation, fuck 'em. And if they're being abusive now, just wait until the days before the wedding and you're there and you've already sunk your badly-needed funds into their special day.
You're clearly not emotionally invested in this couple. Let them know that A) this is a hardship on your family and B) their wedding party deserves kindness and respect, not abuse. If they don't get that, bow out and save yourself a ton of grief.
I never understood people who turned their wedding day into a pretense for treating people like shit. There's a very weird mentality behind inviting friends and family to be part of your joy and making it as fun as going a few rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson.
Same here. I just had one bridesmaid, my maid of honor. I pretty much gave her free reign to wear whatever she wanted.
I'm only asking for the white thing because my dress will be red, and I want the bridesmaids to stand out. I advised them and they were all okay with that.
I've never understood all of the pomp and circumstance that goes into the modern wedding. Hey, let's start a young couple out by having everyone around them waste as much money as possible on ceremonious fluff. Let's also give them carte blanche to have half a year of self-imposed duress, all the while stoking unrealistic fairytale expectations.
I think your friend needs to take a step back and prioritize. A wedding is not supposed to be a perfectly choreographed show, it is supposed to be a public declaration of union. My wife and I spent next to nothing on our wedding, and yet we still look back on it every bit as fondly as if we had rented $1 million a night French château with a staff of 100. To us it's all about the journey, not the all too quickly passing destinations.
It should also be mentioned that I'm a bit of the pragmatist, so wedding photographers please don't firebomb my home.
Every one wants that special day perfect .. I have only been involved in one wedding .. it was very nerve racking .. and I could not wait for it to be over .. if and when I ever get to that point .. I will have a VERY small outside gathering on the mountain or elope .
Like I said in another thread, my wedding won't cost much. The gazebo where we're having the ceremony was $100 to book, the restaurant didn't charge us anything and guests pay less than $40 (tax and tip included) for a complete meal, my dress will probably be $300 max (that my mom agreed to pay in lieu of my wedding gift), and I'll probably have a cake made... And I have no plans to hire a wedding photographer, since a mutual photographer friend of ours agreed to shoot our wedding pro-bono.
Isabel Allende wrote: 700 dollars is a lot to spend on someone who doesn't appreciate all you are doing.
Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm still going to Ohio, I've already bought the plane ticket, but I'm considering using those 2 days with people who appreciate it.
Cait Chan
Posts: 6,272
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US
As others are saying, this is exactly why I had a very intimate wedding.
My entire family laughed and said it reminded them of a wedding from the 60's. I wore a 12 dollar dress, he wore beach clothes, and we all crashed the beach, did our thing, and went out for a nice dinner with drinks. No pretense, nothing expected. Our ring bearer was wearing no shirt, swim shorts, and neon sunglasses lol. We had a max of 20 people. Why? Because we hate all of the typical, stressful bullshit that is somehow a standard of planning/being in a wedding.
We never ever ever wanted to put our loved ones what you're being put through right now. It's so selfish. If you want to disregard all of your friends and family, DON'T INVITE THEM AT ALL. Being forced to pay an arm and a leg to dress how someone ELSE wants you to dress, while still being expected to pay atleast 75-100 dollars just for being invited will never make sense to me.
Such a special day shows people's true colors. If they are so focused on themselves right now, chances are it's nothing new, and it won't end there. I don't surround myself with that bullshit.
Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm still going to Ohio, I've already bought the plane ticket, but I'm considering using those 2 days with people who appreciate it.
Erin, I know yours is a more personal issue with the couple, and your "friendship" ... but I quit shooting weddings a few years ago because of people who no matter what you do, they will not be pleased. It does not sound like it will be a joyful wedding for all who attend. Probably not a good idea for you to attend at this time. Be honest with her. Good luck!
We've been friends since grade school and kept somewhat in touch. She's remained strongly attached to me while...I hate to say this, but I haven't so much. I've barely seen her since high school since I've been moving all around and living a totally different life from the way she went. I do care about her, but she's not a big part of my life.
All things must pass...........consider cutting the cord?
Erin Holmes wrote: We've been friends since grade school and kept somewhat in touch. She's remained strongly attached to me while...I hate to say this, but I haven't so much. I've barely seen her since high school since I've been moving all around and living a totally different life from the way she went. I do care about her, but she's not a big part of my life.
Cherrystone wrote: All things must pass...........consider cutting the cord?
Exactly. If a relationship is that dysfunctional, I don't care what the relation is, nor how long I've known them. If they've been confronted about the issue and aren't making any progress in improving... they're done.
Life is too short to tolerate any dysfunctional relationship.
Cait Chan wrote: As others are saying, this is exactly why I had a very intimate wedding.
My entire family laughed and said it reminded them of a wedding from the 60's. I wore a 12 dollar dress, he wore beach clothes, and we all crashed the beach, did our thing, and went out for a nice dinner with drinks. No pretense, nothing expected. Our ring bearer was wearing no shirt, swim shorts, and neon sunglasses lol. We had a max of 20 people. Why? Because we hate all of the typical, stressful bullshit that is somehow a standard of planning/being in a wedding.
We never ever ever wanted to put our loved ones what you're being put through right now. It's so selfish. If you want to disregard all of your friends and family, DON'T INVITE THEM AT ALL. Being forced to pay an arm and a leg to dress how someone ELSE wants you to dress, while still being expected to pay atleast 75-100 dollars just for being invited will never make sense to me.
Such a special day shows people's true colors. If they are so focused on themselves right now, chances are it's nothing new, and it won't end there. I don't surround myself with that bullshit.
Cait Chan
Posts: 6,272
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US
Malin_ wrote:
You sound like an amazing friend!
You're sweet
I really just can't believe these aren't things people think about. We are so ingrained with this notion that when we get married we should be princesses and ride on white horses into a castle and bla bla and so many people get wrapped up in the planning and execution forgetting what that day really means. If you forget why you want your loved ones to be there, then you shouldn't have them there and honestly you don't deserve them to be there, either. It's supposed to be a happy day where the people you love can share in your happiness.
Although I am starting to regret being stern on no one giving us wedding gifts lol
C. Scott Photography wrote: $700 bucks on a bridesmaid dress out of your own military family's bank account??? PLUS a round trip plane ticket???
Sweetheart you are breaking my god damned heart, is there ANY WAY to get any of that money back, let alone not spending any MORE on it???
Umm...never said the dress cost $700, just that I was spending that much to go to the wedding. That cost is price of dress, plane ticket, and expenses to spend the trip there.
Berghammer wrote: I've never understood all of the pomp and circumstance that goes into the modern wedding. Hey, let's start a young couple out by having everyone around them waste as much money as possible on ceremonious fluff. Let's also give them carte blanche to have half a year of self-imposed duress, all the while stoking unrealistic fairytale expectations.
The modern wedding started out as a way to democratize royalty, believe it or not.
The concept was to make the happy couple prince and princess for a day (hence the ladies in waiting, and the grooms honour guard).
Over time, the process has changed into something darker and uglier.
Berghammer wrote: I've never understood all of the pomp and circumstance that goes into the modern wedding. Hey, let's start a young couple out by having everyone around them waste as much money as possible on ceremonious fluff. Let's also give them carte blanche to have half a year of self-imposed duress, all the while stoking unrealistic fairytale expectations.
I think your friend needs to take a step back and prioritize. A wedding is not supposed to be a perfectly choreographed show, it is supposed to be a public declaration of union. My wife and I spent next to nothing on our wedding, and yet we still look back on it every bit as fondly as if we had rented $1 million a night French château with a staff of 100. To us it's all about the journey, not the all too quickly passing destinations.
It should also be mentioned that I'm a bit of the pragmatist, so wedding photographers please don't firebomb my home.
Too late buddy. The bomber is on it's way. lol. This "pomp" is what makes our industry possible at all. Hard to believe a pragmatist photographer exist (assuming your trying to make money at this). Everything we do is based on disposable income and inpractical spending. From Weddings and Grad photos to Fashion and Boudoir shoots. None of it is necessary at all.
Erin Holmes wrote: I feel my friends have gone too far in their demands and insults to their friends who are trying to support them on their big day. Honestly I don't even want to attend any more, but I feel I have to, and I want to be there for my friend.
Should I say something beforehand or should I keep my mouth shut? I feel like there's this ridiculous unspoken rule on not saying or doing anything negative when people are getting married, but let's be real. They're being assholes.
If you feel that strongly about it....
If you are supposed to be part of the wedding party, submit your resignation ASAP, so they can find another person to fill the spot, and go as a guest, presuming that won't be too much of a financial hardship.
Bella la Bell
Posts: 4,426
Kansas City, Missouri, US
I hope things work out for you op. This sounds horrible and not like a friend at all. I will say weddings do always come with some kinda drama. But shit I can't handle anything that gets into personally attacking me or my husband. That's when it has cross the line.
I stay far away from drama.
My bestie from grade school is getting married this year. She asked me and a few girls we grew up to be bridesmaids. WE ALL SAID NO! Because its just drama with HUGE weddings. I love my friend to death but I wasn't going to deal with that shit. I gave her a vintage gown for her reception to make up for not being in the bridal party.
Stories like this are the reason why I am not having a wedding. I'm sorry, I do not understand how people can treat their supposed loved ones this way, and still expect for them to be their in the morning. I'm sorry, if she's being this big of a cunt, she's not a real friend. A real friend would understand your situation, not make you feel bad about it. A real friend wouldn't take out her frustrations on you, regardless of how stressed out she is.
A wedding isn't an excuse to show your ass... Period.
Erin Holmes wrote: We've been friends since grade school and kept somewhat in touch. She's remained strongly attached to me while...I hate to say this, but I haven't so much. I've barely seen her since high school since I've been moving all around and living a totally different life from the way she went. I do care about her, but she's not a big part of my life.
Most of us girls have kept a friend around like this. Demanding and needing of us but we don't feel quite as attached but stay around for a number of BS reasons. I did it for 17 years, so color me really stupid.
The simple fact that they are not understanding of your husband's job and the duty that comes with it would be more than enough for me to bail unless a VERY good friendship that was appreciated fully by both of us, which is not the picture painted here. I say bail, save the money and take a trip for you and the hubster when time allows. $700 is big money for you to be spending on these two. It sounds like they haven't grown up yet and they think they world is currently revolving around them and their needs besides micro managing your freaking toenails!
lol
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