ConnorStewart wrote: you said a lot of stuff. i only read the first paragraph. let the girlfriend go in a nice manner cause its time to move on.
It's strange to me that so many people feel the first course of action when there's trouble, is to simply bail on a relationship. Instead, why not use some problem-solving skills to work out a sensible plan and encourage them to resolve it?
Whether it gets resolved or not isn't the larger issue - it's the fact that we've become such a dysfunctional society that very few tend to realize that if we don't learn how to encourage and solve relationship problems now, then at what point will they develop those skills for the next relationship? Or the next one, etc? And how will we be able to teach those skills to children (the OP mentioned he has one)?
Can you see a pattern here? Some would call it a cycle.
The best advice I've seen in this thread is the advice to address the issue and attempt to fix it.
sorry to say but you just said 3 things that would lead most to believe that the most probable end-result of couples therapy will be a breakup.
1) I just don't know how to get her to understand I am not out to hurt or upset her
2) even if I threw in the towel and stopped shooting, she would just find something else to complain about and I would be in a no win situation.
3) because she won't listen to nothing I have to say it seems.
thats 3 strikes. couple therapy cannot perform miracles.
I wish you luck whatever you decide.
ConnorStewart wrote: you said a lot of stuff. i only read the first paragraph. let the girlfriend go in a nice manner cause its time to move on.
+1
I got a bit farther than 1st paragraph... But then I scrolled and saw this post. Pretty much sums up the point I was going to make when I clicked on the forum. I gave up too much of myself for the woman who was keeping me from photography. If this is important to you as it was for me, then its time to tell her "I want to break up... It's not you, it's me".
A partner who tries to get you to stop doing something they know you are passionate about does not love you.....they are trying to manipulate you for their own selfish reasons or because of their own dysfunctional insecurity. Why not just find a partner who supports you and avoid all the fights and emotional hardship that are bound to happen before the inevitable breakup with your current partner?
MelissaAnn wrote: A partner who tries to get you to stop doing something they know you are passionate about does not love you.....they are trying to manipulate you for their own selfish reasons or because of their own dysfunctional insecurity. Why not just find a partner who supports you and avoid all the fights and emotional hardship that are bound to happen before the inevitable breakup with your current partner?
+1
and to all who are about to say 'but think of the children (or child in this case) do you really think its good for a child to grow up seeing this necessarily dysfunctional relationship as being normal? something to emulate?
I know a great couples counselor in Wilmington. It sounds like it might not be a bad idea. There is much more to this than you taking pictures. And there is way too much at stake since you have a child together. Your child has to be your priority. Do only what is in his/her best interest.
GoldieImages
Posts: 95
Canberra, Australian Capital Territory, Australia
You shooting models is not the issue: there's another issue at play that she's aware of but you're not.
It could simply be that now the baby has come into the picture, she's feeling more vulnerable and dependent upon you, and that makes her more worried about you leaving her. It may also be she's feeling out of control or overwhelmed with the baby on the scene and is lashing out/projecting her issues. Who knows, but you'll need to sort out the issue otherwise the trust/insecurity issues will be a cancer to the relationship.
Tim Little Photography wrote: I know a great couples counselor in Wilmington. It sounds like it might not be a bad idea. There is much more to this than you taking pictures. And there is way too much at stake since you have a child together. Your child has to be your priority. Do only what is in his/her best interest.
with respect, how the fuck do you know if staying together is in the child's best interest? The only evidence provided here seems to point clearly in the other direction. Admittedly the OP may be biased but without anything else its hard to draw a different conclusion. Do you have data to support this or are you just spouting platitudes?
well I'm not a photographer, but I am a woman who had the opposite problem with a bf who got jealous of me modeling so I had to have a talk with him and never let him get in the way and he is out of the picture now, but I will say that yes she does sound insecure, but it doesn't sound like you are reassuring her in a way that she may need right now...to say you are "content" with the way she is kind of says a lot. Being content versus really being head over heels over her are two different things...hey, I'm content with my apartment, but its not my dream house...if you catch my drift. Hmmm....I don't know that I'd want to be someone who was just "content" with me...could be why she feels insecure? You say you love her and since you have a child with her, why not put a ring on it? We clearly don't know the whole story and even when I'm dating a guy and listening to him talk about his ex, I always keep in mind that there are always two sides to the story so since she isn't here to give her side, its really difficult to give advice...so I guess you need to have a heart to heart talk with her since photography is what you want to do and do your best to let her know how much you love her, but that you need her support and that she has nothing to worry about. Just my 2 cents.
jonaswahlin
Posts: 1,138
Stockholm, Stockholm, Sweden
Okey here's the thing: She wants you to give her more attention and photograph here even more often. Then only her, beacuse you should only need one women.. eh.
It's really up to you do decide how long you give in to that sort of nonsens before putting down the foot.
with respect, how the fuck do you know if staying together is in the child's best interest? The only evidence provided here seems to point clearly in the other direction. Admittedly the OP may be biased but without anything else its hard to draw a different conclusion. Do you have data to support this or are you just spouting platitudes?
With all due respect, where do you read into my comment that I suggest they stay together? Do you assume that because I suggest they talk with someone that means they should stay together? Why would you assume that. Much of the time the results of couples counseling show that ending the relationship is the best course of action.
So please, in fact I dare you, tell me where in my post I advise the OP to stay with his GF. And don't give me your assumption based on what you think I wrote. I have no respect for what you assume. Tell me where in my post I say "You should stay with your GF." A sane person would see that I pointed out that the interest of the child is more important than anything. I stand by that.
I think this is something that can be worked out. It sounds like one of you will have to make a sacrifice. Any long-term relationship has sacrifices, it just depends what one's willing to sacrifice. Maybe she is, maybe you are, if neither of you are, then you have a problem.
This came up with me and mine. I tried to explain it the best I could but gave up and decided the best way forward was to keep right on shooting whatever I want whenever I want as what little work I do is very important to me.
A photographer friend of mine got a divorce because of his photography. You make your choices, then people make theirs and u live with the consequences.
Tony Lawrence wrote: So take her with you on shoots. Get her to help. Get a MUA to do her face and treat her like she's a new model. She's insecure and her 'friends' aren't helping either of you. I bet they are by themselves and jealous of her.
J Jessica
Posts: 1,710
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, US
Chuck Purnell wrote: So I am reaching out to other photographers to see if you have been in this situation before and how you handled it. She is the mother of my son so I love them both and its not that easy to just let someone go based on what I do as a photographer but on the other hand I can't keep having these silly arguments over what I would consider petty things! It comes across as if she's perfect and I have the issues since I need to shoot half dressed models or just models period!
Sounds like she just wants more attention from you. A lot of time the whole social media argument is just jealousy because those things you are posting arent about her.
You have a child together so maybe therapy wouldn't be bad.
I've seen that with most people the moment a big problem arises in a relationship and they are unhappy about it then their solution is to cut their losses and run instead of compromise and work through it. Which is not what commitment means and why many people are incapable of maintaining any long term relationship. Relationships are hard, they require work, they require sacrifice, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, and change and if you are not willing to put in the hard work that it takes to maintain a healthy long-lasting relationship with someone then you really should have never made such a large commitment as having a child with this woman.
There's a lot of great advice here, try to actually put a big and genuine effort into fixing the issue before you bail. Especially since you say you love her. I doubt she's the only one at fault here for the problems in your relationship, after-all it does take two to tango.
291
Posts: 11,911
SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK, California, US
Chuck Purnell wrote: Just got into a heated argument with my GF about me shooting models!
easily solved. take on client work with models being used and it won't give appearance of just playing let's take pictures with pretty girls. if that solves the problem then it isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of getting a kick in the ass to work instead of play.
GoldieImages wrote: You shooting models is not the issue: there's another issue at play that she's aware of but you're not.
It could simply be that now the baby has come into the picture, she's feeling more vulnerable and dependent upon you, and that makes her more worried about you leaving her. It may also be she's feeling out of control or overwhelmed with the baby on the scene and is lashing out/projecting her issues. Who knows, but you'll need to sort out the issue otherwise the trust/insecurity issues will be a cancer to the relationship.
i would bet that this is pretty spot-on.
it seems kinda rough that some people automatically advocate breaking up....some of us just don't have a high self-esteem, and people who are outside of the industry understandably may not understand what it's really about.
and it almost sounds like this was a recent problem, ie she may not have had issues earlier in the relationship? what if it really is largely due to the baby...why throw a relationship way over something like that? the affects won't be permanent
twoharts wrote: i have a marriage therapy book and it basically says that the marriages that last are ones where the husband lets the wife influence him (i.e., she gets her way. lol)
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