"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno
"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno
"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno
"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman
"Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he's drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney." –David Letterman
"Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate." –Jimmy Fallon
"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon
"They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney." – David Letterman
"Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality." –Jay Leno
"It is crucial that Romney pick a running mate who will help him with the groups he's weak with: women, Hispanics, African Americans, Evangelical Christians – and Republicans." –Stephen Colbert
"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible." -Jimmy Fallon
"This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterf**ks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'" –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher
"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Which is better than his grandfather, who believed that it should be between one man and five women." -Jimmy Kimmel
Romney and Obama were discussing things like forged birth certificates, Rev. Wright, Bill Ayers, socialism, the true cost of ObamaCare, the economy etc. Obama asked Romney, "When you decided to run for POTUS, why didn't you seal all of your college and birth records?" Romney replied, "I didn't have anything to hide." Puzzled by this, Obama asked, "but what about your tax records?" Romney replied, "I'm more concerned about the domestic economic issues". Obama replied, "Kenya or Indonesia?"
Michael L. wrote: Jerry Sandusky and Mitt Romney were walking down the street, talking. There was a little boy walking about 30 feet ahead of them and Jerry said to Mitt "You see that little boy ahead of us?"
"Yes" said Mitt.
"Let's screw him" said Jerry.
"Out of what?" said Mitt.
That's a weak adaptation of an old Preist and Rabbi joke.
Obama and Biden are the true jokes, but they aren't that funny.
Romney is who we seriously need.
If someone isn't cracking down at least 750k a year, and have a few million in the bank, and they vote Republican in this day and age, they really need to get themselves educated, and also seek therapy.
Donald Trump and Mitt Romney are on a plane together. Trump opens a window and throws a $100 bill out. Romney asks ... why did you do that? Trump replies ... I want to make someone happy every now and then.
Romney says ... well, why not throw 2 $50's out and make 2 people happy? Or 5 $20 and make 5 people happy? Trump replies ... how about if I throw *you* out and make *everyone* happy?