Better then before but as a fellow model, I disagree with the cost/rates.
Understandable that your time, travel, day and self are valuable but I'd rate yourself according to your area...
Also, I don't think any potential client needs to know why you like modeling or who you meet/where you've been.
"I just recently relocated from Atlanta, GA to Montclair, NJ and have been out here for a month. I was always told that I should model because I have the looks and the body stats for it. "
"I'm only taking paid assignments right now so here are my rates to anyone who is interested in hiring me. I require the minimum of 2 hours pay for every shoot. "
"My rates are open for discussion and negotiation under the right circumstances."
Add in publications, past work, who you've collaborated with at MM or elsewhere.
That's it. Done!
If you wanna say more about your journey into modeling, who/where/what you've done...I'd refer potential clients to your website/Facebook/Tumblr (depending on what you have/can get).
Like I said...this is a lot better then your original bio/portfolio.
Personally, mine changes frequently. I'm always finding new tricks, needing to update a photo or information.