immateria wrote:

How much time, though? I know we're not living in the middle ages, and that my fertile years aren't over, but it's not like I can stave this through process off indefinitely.

well, for me the age is 40. 40 is the last that I'm willing to wait for
*my partner to get ready to have kids
*have a partner willing to have kids (if I would be single at that point)
after that, I'd just go for it.

Damon Banner wrote:

So why let other concerns possibly ruin that?

Most of the time, I'm fine.

But I spend a lot of time sifting through yoga content online (I'm a yoga instructor), and I see picture of little kids doing yoga, and I am filled with longing. With the desire to teach a little spudling to do they things I wish I was taught when I was a kid.

Anna Adrielle wrote:

well, for me the age is 40. 40 is the last that I'm willing to wait for
*my partner to get ready to have kids
*have a partner willing to have kids (if I would be single at that point)
after that, I'd just go for it.

That's a good age

immateria wrote:

That's a good age

okay, but that gives you at least 10 more years to figure this thing out
(added 4 extra years in case the solution is you need to break up, and then time to find a new partner, get serious and get pregnant...)

and if you are still together with this man in 10 years, the situation might be different!

immateria wrote:
... the kids you want.

I've been in a number of relationships with people who didn't want children. That factor, while not the only factor, was a big motivator in those relationships ending.

I want children. I've always wanted children. I love kids. I have a booming biological clock. But I've also always been afraid that I can't have them, and decided years ago that, if that is the case, I could still have a fulfilling life.

Now I am in a relationship with a man that cannot father children. We've been together for nearly a year. We live together. We are in love and happy. When we got together, I figured that I can't discriminate against a person for their biology. It could have been me, not him. Adoption isn't really on the table.

My mother is highly unhappy with this, because she knows me. But my mother isn't me, so whatever. But I mentioned this to a good friend, and she had the same sort of reaction: I've always talked about having kids. How can I change now?

I know this is something I must decide for myself. But I would like some insight or varying perspective.

Quang Dang wrote:
I believe it's your priority.


For others:
Why having kids are so important? If you don't have or some don't even think to want it, can you live in a happy life?

The thing is, I've spent a lot of my life asking questions like these. I can rationalize having children. I can rationalize not having children. I've rationalized myself into maze of reason and I can't tell which ones are true and which ones are things I just tried to convince myself of.

immateria wrote:
Frankly, I need children to rear into being generals for my minion army.

expensive.
sell crack

immateria wrote:

Most of the time, I'm fine.

But I spend a lot of time sifting through yoga content online (I'm a yoga instructor), and I see picture of little kids doing yoga, and I am filled with longing. With the desire to teach a little spudling to do they things I wish I was taught when I was a kid.

does it necessarily need to be YOUR kid? 

start a yoga for kids class.  (it could either be good for you or bad).

immateria wrote:

The thing is, I've spent a lot of my life asking questions like these. I can rationalize having children. I can rationalize not having children. I've rationalized myself into maze of reason and I can't tell which ones are true and which ones are things I just tried to convince myself of.

You (proverbial) can be happy doing anything.
It's not really a legitimate question, because of course you (proverbial) can.

It's whether or not YOU can be happy doing something. More importantly, what's your FIRST CHOICE option.

Damon Banner wrote:

does it necessarily need to be YOUR kid? 

start a yoga for kids class.  (it could either be good for you or bad).

Does it have to be? No.

But do I want it to be? (yes)

PhotographybyT wrote:
I think the bottom line is what is and will be more important to you - your current potential life long relationship or your ability to have your own children sometime in your future?

If you stick to your current relationship, it is not impossible to have children only if you reassess your current restrictions down the road as your biological clock starts winding down. As you grow older, you may have a change of heart regarding some of these road blocks.

On the other hand, if you're adamant and you know in your heart of hearts that how you feel now about children is how you will feel in the future, then you'll need to decide if your current relationship will lead to regrets down the road. There are no guarantees that this current relationship is one that will be a life long one.

You have a tough decision but the good thing is you still have quite some time to see how things go.

Best wishes!

Thanks

I'm sure it will be a fun decision to make when I have to make it

To be fair, I am not against adoption as a whole. I just don't think it will be an option in this relationship. I am actually quite pro-adoption. The reason I am against artificially modifying pregnancy for myself is that I would rather talk about adopting instead.

immateria wrote:
The thing is, I've spent a lot of my life asking questions like these. I can rationalize having children. I can rationalize not having children. I've rationalized myself into maze of reason and I can't tell which ones are true and which ones are things I just tried to convince myself of.

modeled wrote:
Raising kids (right) is harder than having kids... just to give you some perspective... I suggest marrying someone who also wants kids, and then if you are both ready to give part of your lives away when it comes to time, money, emotion, sleep and a whole lot of energy,  then go for it. 

I can relate to the extent that I always wanted kids.  I was never disillusioned as to how difficult your first child can be, my wife on the other hand was anxious to start having kids, so we did.  I gotta say, she's good at being Mom, but I know for a fact she wasn't prepared for all that it entails.

I don't think anyway is truly prepared for parenthood. I won't pretend to think I will every be.

I do however, think that I am suited for the challenged. So far, though, I haven't' had the best of luck with finding a partner to share it with.

twoharts wrote:
watch the movie The Big Chill. there's one solution for you to consider. if he's open to letting you do that. then it's just a question of finding a guy willing to do it.

sometimes the trick is to consider more options than A or B. there's usually a C or D or E if you open yourself to the possibilities.

Haha.

Not quite sure how comfortable I would be with that.

immateria wrote:

Does it have to be? No.

But do I want it to be? (yes)

so you'll (eventually maybe) have to decide what is most important to you....

Damon Banner wrote:

so you'll (eventually maybe) have to decide what is most important to you....

Yep.

Just, y'know, gathering information for that moment.

netmodel wrote:
I have a simple solution - leave him and find a better man.

SMDH

netmodel wrote:
I have a simple solution - leave him and find a better man.

Maybe I will have to.

But the man I'm with is a good man. Maybe I need different, but it won't be better.

netmodel wrote:
I have a simple solution - leave him and find a better man.

Is this the advice you give your partner?

Anyway.

Sounds like you'll have to make some choices -- what's more important to you, being with him or his ability to father your children?  If it's being with him, then you have to again decide what's more important to you -- having children or restricting yourself to having children in the "natural, fun" way you've envisioned.

all_names_are_taken wrote:

Is this the advice you give your partner?

Anyway.

Sounds like you'll have to make some choices -- what's more important to you, being with him or his ability to father your children?  If it's being with him, then you have to again decide what's more important to you -- having children or restricting yourself to having children in the "natural, fun" way you've envisioned.

The "fun" part was a joke. But yeah, if the option was open, I would forfeit bearing my own children and opt for adoption.

immateria wrote:
I don't think anyway is truly prepared for parenthood. I won't pretend to think I will every be.

I do however, think that I am suited for the challenged. So far, though, I haven't' had the best of luck with finding a partner to share it with.

Actually people who have been around kids most of their lives have a pretty good understanding.  I come from a big family, cousins, second cousins, kids were always everywhere. 

At any rate, I truly wish you the best on your quest to find the right person to start a family with.

modeled wrote:

Actually people who have been around kids most of their lives have a pretty good understanding.  I come from a big family, cousins, second cousins, kids were always everywhere. 

At any rate, I truly wish you the best on your quest to find the right person to start a family with.

Thank you. I'm sure things will work out, one way or another.

I'm actually an only child. My mother is an only child, too, and my father's brother is significantly younger than him. I don't know where I get it from, but I am naturally good with kids.

immateria wrote:

The "fun" part was a joke. But yeah, if the option was open, I would forfeit bearing my own children and opt for adoption.

I figured

Is he 100% infertile?  Have you guys seen a doctor?  If you want, drop me a message...I'm not a doctor, by any means, and my experience is mostly (okay, 100%) with the female side of fertility issues, but I do know a fair amount about it.

immateria wrote:
For all practical purposes, there are no children in my future if I was to stay with my boyfriend...

Here’s my story, for your consideration:

  When I was a little younger than you, I met the girl of my dreams. We had a wonderful and magical relationship that was based partially on chemistry and insatiable mutual physical attraction, and partially on similar values and priorities. One of the very cornerstones of our compatibility was the mutual agreement than neither of us wanted any children. So much so that after 10 years of taking contraceptives, she suggested I go get “fixed” so she needn’t bother with that anymore. I happily agreed.
  Then, at 39 her ( 27 y/o ) co-worker/good friend got pregnant. Everyday she observed the child’s gestation and eventual birth. Being good friends we saw the child anytime we hung out with them, until that fateful day I will never forget. She came home from work, looked me square in the eye, and said, “I want to have a baby” Long story short, she changed her mind, and I did not. Our wonderful life together ended in a cordial divorce, and I have pretty much been alone ever since.
Moral of the story: If you know that you want a family, you should let him go now. Yeah it will hurt, a lot, but if you don’t do it now, there will come a day you will resent him. It’s nobody’s fault, he just isn’t the right partner for you...

all_names_are_taken wrote:

I figured

Is he 100% infertile?  Have you guys seen a doctor?  If you want, drop me a message...I'm not a doctor, by any means, and my experience is mostly (okay, 100%) with the female side of fertility issues, but I do know a fair amount about it.

His body does not produce sperm. It's pretty absolute.

MS Foto wrote:

Here’s my story, for your consideration:

  When I was a little younger than you, I met the girl of my dreams. We had a wonderful and magical relationship that was based partially on chemistry and insatiable mutual physical attraction, and partially on similar values and priorities. One of the very cornerstones of our compatibility was the mutual agreement than neither of us wanted any children. So much so that after 10 years of taking contraceptives, she suggested I go get “fixed” so she needn’t bother with that anymore. I happily agreed.
  Then, at 39 her ( 27 y/o ) co-worker/good friend got pregnant. Everyday she observed the child’s gestation and eventual birth. Being good friends we saw the child anytime we hung out with them, until that fateful day I will never forget. She came home from work, looked me square in the eye, and said, “I want to have a baby” Long story short, she changed her mind, and I did not. Our wonderful life together ended in a cordial divorce, and I have pretty much been alone ever since.
Moral of the story: If you know that you want a family, you should let him go now. Yeah it will hurt, a lot, but if you don’t do it now, there will come a day you will resent him. It’s nobody’s fault, he just isn’t the right partner for you...

Thank you for sharing.

I understand how likely it is that I will feel this way. Fortunately, there is another crossroads that will come up before the biological timer goes off. And I will need to experience it, for better or for worse.

immateria wrote:

His body does not produce sperm. It's pretty absolute.

Gotcha.  Yeah, I don't have any workarounds for that.  There was some research a while back in creating viable embryos using diploid cells but I haven't heard much about it lately; my guess is it went nowhere.

I hope it goes well for you guys, in whatever route you decide to pursue (or not pursue.)

immateria wrote:
I'm actually an only child. My mother is an only child, too, and my father's brother is significantly younger than him. I don't know where I get it from, but I am naturally good with kids.

Kind of a tangent here, but interestingly, I'm the same way.  Small family, etc., but I've always been told by many others that I'm great with kids.  Frankly, the thought of having kids has always kind of freaked me out a little, unlike you, but my point is that I don't know where it comes from either.  *shrug*

La Lana  wrote:
At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy...

But I will say that my children have been the greatest blessings of my life..

If you stay in this relationship you might regret not having kids...if you leave it and get to have children...you can't regret that.

+1

immateria wrote:

It is. If have biological children, I would want them to be conceived in a totally natural
(and, y'know, fun) way.

The last thing you will really think about when you have your child is how t was conceived. That all kind of flies out the window.

I think you may be looking to much at the tiny details and not the big picture. How your child was conceived may very well pale in the shadow of your pregnancy and your pregnancy will pale in comparison to what it's like to have that child in your life. Conception at some point in time may very well seem relatively insignificant.

Damianne wrote:
If you want to have kids, and you want to have them naturally with the person you're with, that's a perfectly legitimate reason to "discriminate against biology".
If you want to stay with this guy, want kids, want them to be yours and the person you're with's children, don't want medical intervention, and he can't have children, I really can't help you because that's impossible.

OF course there's a way to have a fulfilling life without kids. They're not required, obviously.

But if you really want children, you only get one try at this life thing, I would not suggest cutting corners.
You can do it any way you want, and you're the only one who can tell if it's the best way for YOU.

This is great advice.

I can not have kids myself, never could since I was a teenager.
I quickly assess if someone wants kids immediately before I get involved.

Lisa Andresen wrote:
And I stand by that a marriage would need to happen before anything with kids happened.

That's simply not how it works, Lisa. At least marriage isn't a requirement. Didn't you learn that in school?

Anna Adrielle wrote:

I understand that is something you want... but there's also a huge taboo on that. 1 in 5 couples has trouble to get pregnant the natural way, loads of couples need help with it. This whole idea that getting pregnant is something that is supposed to happen in a natural, problemfree way is... well, outdated. Just wanted to say that.

In regards to your situation, I think it is something you will have to decide for yourself. I know for me, I could never not have children. I would find a way to have them, no matter what it took. Every fibre of my being wants to be a mom someday (sounds really dramatic, lol). If I was a man who couldn't have them but would be open to other options, that would be fine. Being with a man who doesn't want kids is not even an option for me. It's just that big of an issue, for me. You need to decide how big of an issue it is, for you.

good luck

PS this is not meant as an insult to people who chose not to have children. I have no doubt lots of people are perfectly happy without them and live great, fulfilling lives. I am sure I could live a wonderful life myself without kids too... but there would always be a void. that's just me personally though.

When you have kids, they will be the luckiest kids in Belgium (or wherever you happen to be when you have them).