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Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


My grandma has stage 4 lung cancer.  If she makes it to my birthday in two weeks, I'll be surprised.

I've been at the house everyday.  I do their laundry, their vacuuming, their dishes, take out of their trash, and I help with everything grandma needs...which at this point is no more than getting a yogurt or pudding for her and changing sheets every few days.

My aunt is currently working from the house.  She does government work, so she has her laptop set up, and her schedule is flexible as long as she gets through her files for the day.

So today, I asked my grandpa if I could go watch the Packers game with a few friends and I'd make dinner after the game was done.  He knows how long a game is, he watches avidly.  He said yep, no problem, he wasn't hungry at all anyway.

I get home right after the game to find my aunt gone.  I ask where she is, grandpa says she's gone to get food.  He told her I was making chicken, but she insisted that it was too late and they needed food now.  So now my dinner plans are ruined, and of course my aunt walks in totally pissed off.  Tells me that I'm being selfish, that family comes first, and that I need to go home and grab a shower curtain (I have an extra) and to drop it off because 'she doesn't want to see my fucking face'.

So although I've been at the grandparents house from 9-9 everyday, do all their work, and then come home to try and run a business, I'm selfish because I left for 3 hours (when she was going to be there) to watch a game with friends.  Mind you, I did all the vacuuming, laundry, and dishes before I left.  So it's not like I left that all for her.  (also, it's a weekend...it's not like she had work)

That's how it's going to be.  She's going to shame me from the grandparents house, where my ailing grandma is, because she wants to be an effin' martyr.  And the grandparents are going to let it go because she works 'so hard' at her 'real job'.  Nevermind the fact that I'm there all day, and then go home to work until 4 a.m. to try and get shit done, and then go back.

Never good enough for them.  Never.

I get it.  I really don't see the point of it anymore.
Sep 08 13 05:43 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Jim Shibley
Posts: 2,800
Phoenix, Arizona, US


Here's a hug.

Talk back to the bitch & tell her what you feel. Or think about what you'd like to tell her.
Sep 08 13 06:11 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
MesmerEyes Photography
Posts: 2,796
Tyler, Texas, US


Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
My grandma has stage 4 lung cancer.  If she makes it to my birthday in two weeks, I'll be surprised.

I've been at the house everyday.  I do their laundry, their vacuuming, their dishes, take out of their trash, and I help with everything grandma needs...which at this point is no more than getting a yogurt or pudding for her and changing sheets every few days.

My aunt is currently working from the house.  She does government work, so she has her laptop set up, and her schedule is flexible as long as she gets through her files for the day.

So today, I asked my grandpa if I could go watch the Packers game with a few friends and I'd make dinner after the game was done.  He knows how long a game is, he watches avidly.  He said yep, no problem, he wasn't hungry at all anyway.

I get home right after the game to find my aunt gone.  I ask where she is, grandpa says she's gone to get food.  He told her I was making chicken, but she insisted that it was too late and they needed food now.  So now my dinner plans are ruined, and of course my aunt walks in totally pissed off.  Tells me that I'm being selfish, that family comes first, and that I need to go home and grab a shower curtain (I have an extra) and to drop it off because 'she doesn't want to see my fucking face'.

So although I've been at the grandparents house from 9-9 everyday, do all their work, and then come home to try and run a business, I'm selfish because I left for 3 hours (when she was going to be there) to watch a game with friends.  Mind you, I did all the vacuuming, laundry, and dishes before I left.  So it's not like I left that all for her.  (also, it's a weekend...it's not like she had work)

That's how it's going to be.  She's going to shame me from the grandparents house, where my ailing grandma is, because she wants to be an effin' martyr.  And the grandparents are going to let it go because she works 'so hard' at her 'real job'.  Nevermind the fact that I'm there all day, and then go home to work until 4 a.m. to try and get shit done, and then go back.

Never good enough for them.  Never.

I get it.  I really don't see the point of it anymore.

I'm sorry that is happening to you. You really need to talk to the aunt though. Take charge of the conversation and don't let her butt in. After you have had your say listen to what she has to say. Whatever you do, don't do it in front of your grandmaw or grandpa and try your best not to get into an argument.
Hugs

Sep 08 13 06:12 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


MesmerEyes Photography wrote:

I'm sorry that is happening to you. You really need to talk to the aunt though. Take charge of the conversation and don't let her butt in. After you have had your say listen to what she has to say. Whatever you do, don't do it in front of your grandmaw or grandpa and try your best not to get into an argument.
Hugs

There is no talking.  I've tried.

She came in the front door screaming today.  And that's how it always is.  I try to get a word in, and then I just get screamed at more.

I walked out today.  Couldn't get a word in.  Grandpa called me to apologize, because he knows that I wasn't in the wrong, that I said where I was going and when I'd be back.  But that doesn't stop my aunt, never does.

Sep 08 13 06:26 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
The Art Of Hands
Posts: 174
Toledo, Ohio, US


*Huge hugs*
Sep 08 13 06:27 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


Jim Shibley wrote:
Here's a hug.

Talk back to the bitch & tell her what you feel. Or think about what you'd like to tell her.

I tried to get in a word today and got nowhere.  That's always how it works.  She gets mad about something, flips out, and doesn't let anyone try to explain.

My grandpa called one night asking when I would be over.  I said "Just got out of the shower, be there in 10".  He heard "It'll be about an hour".

Yep, got screamed at for that one.  Told that I didn't care, that grandpa needed food and that I was going to let him starve, whatever else.  All because grandpa, who needs a hearing aid and refuses one, heard something wrong.  But of course I got lectured for an hour, and ignored when I tried to tell her I said 'shower' not 'hour'.  When grandpa told her, after I left, that he had misheard she just shrugged it off.  No apology, nothing.

Sep 08 13 06:29 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Stephen Dawson
Posts: 29,246
Toronto, Ontario, Canada


Times like this are tough. Very tough.

Your grandma is dying and has days to live. Her loved ones are on edge. You are there, and are felling that edginess.

There is nothing "fair". Life is not like that.

You are young and strong. If you can be a bit of a martyr, this would be the time.

Grab a shot of vodka. Look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself that you can get through the next two weeks.

It is for a good cause.
Sep 08 13 06:29 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
NicoleNudes
Posts: 3,784
Toronto, Ontario, Canada


*hugs*

I would just focus on spending time with your grandma and telling her everything you want to tell her before she passes. That's what is important right now.
Sep 08 13 07:15 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
SPierce Photography
Posts: 19,566
Amherst, Massachusetts, US


*hugs*
Sep 08 13 07:27 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Don A Long
Posts: 2,625
Jacksonville, Florida, US


biggest hugs to you.
Sep 09 13 05:05 am  Link  Quote 
Artist/Painter
Two Pears Studio
Posts: 3,313
Wilmington, Delaware, US


I have been through this. (Both parents, mother in law, and two best friends) For the most part no one is responding to you. They are dealing with the demons in their own hearts.

My advice is focus your energies on your own journey and that of your dying loved one... if someone tries to treat you poorly... understand it is not about you, but is a reflection of what they feel inside... the test is... if the reaction is outside of the bounds of what's occurring... it isn't about you.

So instead of being upset that your dinner plans were ruined... thank her for taking care of everything... in the end it is all about the dying.

In the meantime... know you are loved and what ever you need... just ask
Sep 09 13 05:43 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Caradoc
Posts: 19,485
Scottsdale, Arizona, US


Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
She gets mad about something, flips out, and doesn't let anyone try to explain.

Sounds like she may need someone to slap her and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT!"

And it sounds like you just might need to be that person.

Sep 09 13 07:51 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


I'll reply to everyone personally in a bit, but as I expected I got a call from my grandpa last night. 

It was kinda curious, because my phone rang twice, but when I picked up he wasn't on the other line.  And then a few seconds passed, and it was him again.  I asked him about it, and he said that my aunt had walked out of the back bedroom as he called, so he hung up.  And then called back when she went back into the room.

So yeah, pretty damn pathetic.  He's afraid to call me because she'll get upset with him.  She's going to get upset at her dad, for calling the grandkid he raised.

I mean, I sorta get it.  He called to apologize for her, and for not sticking up for me (because he was the one who said I could go, that he wouldn't be hungry til after 7 anyway), but the only real apology I want to hear is from my aunt.  But shit, she won't even let grandpa call me so that's not going to happen.

I get it, she's stressed, but shit...we all are.  It's not easy on any of us.  And the last thing we need is someone on a power trip flipping out over nothing.  She gets mad when I see my friends for a couple hours, but she doesn't realize that's all I have.  Outside of my grandparents, I have no one except a handful of people I can vent to.  I don't go home to a husband or a boyfriend I can talk to.  And unless my cats start talking back, all I have is my friends that I'm guilt tripped for seeing for a few hours.  I work until the middle of the night because I don't have a laptop to work from at my grandparents house, and then when I take a nap on the couch (because I'm half dead), I get yelled at for being lazy.

I can't win.  They want me to get a real job, but they want me to be at the house all day.  They want me to book more shoots, but get mad when I leave for them.  (that was the fiasco of last week)  They get mad when I'm tired, but yell at me for napping, or leaving early to try and get some sleep at home.

:sigh:

It all seems pointless.
Sep 09 13 08:02 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


Caradoc wrote:

Sounds like she may need someone to slap her and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT!"

And it sounds like you just might need to be that person.

I have a feeling if she says anything to me today, it's not going to end well.  Because I'm still really effin' pissed off from last night.

I don't like confrontation.  I hate it.  I do everything to avoid it.  But she's pushed me just far enough that she's going to see angry Laura instead of meek Laura that just walks away.

Mind you, I don't want to burden my grandma, so it'll be low key.  But she says one mean word to me, and I'm not going to bite my tongue.  She wants to dish shit?  I can do that too.

I already knew years ago that once my grandparents weren't around, I was moving the hell away, and wasn't going back.  My family, outside of my grandparents, has never treated me like family.  So I'd be losing nothing and gaining a whole lot of opportunity.

Sep 09 13 08:06 am  Link  Quote 
Artist/Painter
Two Pears Studio
Posts: 3,313
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:
I can't win.

You just said it all...

You can only control one person... I understand that it is sucky to have to deal with your aunt's grief while you are still going through it.

You didn't ask me, but my advice is two fold. First be pre-emptive with your aunt. Explain that you understand that she may have opinions about how things should go and she may be dealing with the stress of a dying parent, but you don't find it helpful for her to say the things she does... the impact on you is that you are sad and __________________ . (Fill in the blank) and the impact to her is you are less available and more likely to be who she is accusing you to be. Then invite her to create a new way of doing things... be generous, leave her touched moved and inspired by this new reality... I used to say, we could do this the hard way out we could find another way to make this work for us both... remember she doesn't see things or isn't reacting to the same things as you.

The second aspect is... don't react. The best way to diffuse or confuse someone is to react differently than they expect. If she comes at you with a certian energy you recognize... change the normal reaction and it will confuse the aggressor. Inject humor or ask a question... keep trying different things... She is used to you behaving a certain way and gets a pay off to behaving badly. Take that payoff away and she will have to change.

Sep 09 13 08:55 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Laura Ann - Fashion
Posts: 8,276
Davenport, Iowa, US


Two Pears Studio wrote:
The second aspect is... don't react. The best way to diffuse or confuse someone is to react differently than they expect. If she comes at you with a certian energy you recognize... change the normal reaction and it will confuse the aggressor. Inject humor or ask a question... keep trying different things... She is used to you behaving a certain way and gets a pay off to behaving badly. Take that payoff away and she will have to change.

My normal reaction is to stay quiet and walk away.  Because confrontation is not my thing.  I like to sit down and talk it out, but I know that won't happen with my aunt.  I've tried, it doesn't happen, so I just walk away because it's better than a yelling match that just escalates.

It's her birthday today.  I got her a card and a gift card.  I wrote a little note on the inside saying I know this birthday is hard, but I hope that she can still enjoy it, and that future birthdays will be better.  Oh, and that Panera has great soup and I hope she uses her gift card well.

I figure the higher ground is my best hope.  Maybe she'll respect me someday, and realize that I really do try to be a good person and help people out.  And heck, even if she never respects me, at least I'll respect myself knowing I tried my best.

Sep 09 13 09:19 am  Link  Quote 
Artist/Painter
Two Pears Studio
Posts: 3,313
Wilmington, Delaware, US


Laura Ann - Fashion wrote:

My normal reaction is to stay quiet and walk away.  Because confrontation is not my thing.  I like to sit down and talk it out, but I know that won't happen with my aunt.  I've tried, it doesn't happen, so I just walk away because it's better than a yelling match that just escalates.

It's her birthday today.  I got her a card and a gift card.  I wrote a little note on the inside saying I know this birthday is hard, but I hope that she can still enjoy it, and that future birthdays will be better.  Oh, and that Panera has great soup and I hope she uses her gift card well.

I figure the higher ground is my best hope.  Maybe she'll respect me someday, and realize that I really do try to be a good person and help people out.  And heck, even if she never respects me, at least I'll respect myself knowing I tried my best.

beautiful

Sep 09 13 09:24 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Becks
Posts: 31,792
Atlanta, Georgia, US


Hugs from atlanta.
Sep 09 13 10:52 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
MesmerEyes Photography
Posts: 2,796
Tyler, Texas, US


Sorry for the double post. I'll just hug you again as I'm sure you need it. Hugs.
Sep 09 13 12:26 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
MesmerEyes Photography
Posts: 2,796
Tyler, Texas, US


I hope today is much better. More hugs for you.
Sep 09 13 12:26 pm  Link  Quote 
Artist/Painter
sdgillis
Posts: 2,422
Portland, Oregon, US


buy some fucking microwave dinners. Your aunt is likely being a bitch because you are making her look bad.
Sep 09 13 03:44 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Zebadiah _MI
Posts: 13,367
Ann Arbor, Michigan, US


*hugs*
Sep 09 13 07:24 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Lumen Sky
Posts: 1,680
Center Moriches, New York, US


NicoleNudes wrote:
*hugs*

I would just focus on spending time with your grandma and telling her everything you want to tell her before she passes. That's what is important right now.

+1000

Sep 10 13 02:32 pm  Link  Quote 
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