K I C K H A M wrote:
So what happened? I let things slide, and the relationship built and built, with him wanting to get married and still not making any progress in supporting me in what I wanted to do, thinking I would just "outgrow" it. When I could take the jealousy issues anymore, I broke it off.

Great post, but I think you meant "couldn't" take the jealousy.

Danny DD wrote:
No one should try to force you to make a choice where no choice should be made.

Great post, true enough!

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his. He'd get so angry that it took time away from him to go to a shoot or dance rehearsal, but once the pictures came out or it was the night of a show, he was suddenly Captain Supportive. Which is why I tolerated his behavior for so long. In the end, he isolated me from my friends and would lose his mind if I left the houses for anything but work. He wound up beating the shit out of me and holding me at gunpoint for 3 hours.

My personal policy for guys showing possessive tendencies: GTFO. Immediately.

Holy shit. I'm so glad you got out and are okay!!

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his. He'd get so angry that it took time away from him to go to a shoot or dance rehearsal, but once the pictures came out or it was the night of a show, he was suddenly Captain Supportive. Which is why I tolerated his behavior for so long. In the end, he isolated me from my friends and would lose his mind if I left the houses for anything but work. He wound up beating the shit out of me and holding me at gunpoint for 3 hours.

My personal policy for guys showing possessive tendencies: GTFO. Immediately.

BTDT, soooo glad I finally found a true love that supports and appreciates ALL of me, and never tries to control or hurt me.

Morgan Barbour wrote:
Holy shit. I'm so glad you got out and are okay!!

Thank you. Going to court on Monday to make the Order of Protection permanent, then hopefully this can be put behind me... I just feel a little responsible to speak up when other women are describing similar traits in their boyfriends.

GeekySock wrote:
Thank you. Going to court on Monday...

I sincerely hope he finds himself a possessive boyfriend while he's inside.

Kaouthia wrote:
I sincerely hope he finds himself a possessive boyfriend while he's inside.

Unfortunately in Tennessee, he won't do any time for this. While the south has come along a lot in the last 20 years, and all the police were very helpful and kind during this, in the end, the mentality is "boys will be boys." I'll be leaving Tennessee before the year is out.

GeekySock wrote:
Thank you. Going to court on Monday to make the Order of Protection permanent, then hopefully this can be put behind me... I just feel a little responsible to speak up when other women are describing similar traits in their boyfriends.

Hopefully things will be resolved soon.

And putting your story out there is good. I know one woman whose husband did something 10x worse than your boyfriend and you know what she did? She forgave him because he "loves" her. He, too, is a classic case of an extremely possessive/controlling partner.

Megan Tomas wrote:
Update:

He doesn't understand how important modeling is to me.
I have a huge shoot in NYC tomorrow, and apparently modeling is "more important" than him because I'm going to the shoot instead of seeing him.

Apparently I don't care about him and only about modeling.
Okay, modeling is VERY important to me, but I do care about him too.

Instead of supporting me and wishing me luck, he's making me feel horrible for going.

Yay.

That ain't going to change.  So YOU are in control of changing that. 

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his. He'd get so angry that it took time away from him to go to a shoot or dance rehearsal, but once the pictures came out or it was the night of a show, he was suddenly Captain Supportive. Which is why I tolerated his behavior for so long. In the end, he isolated me from my friends and would lose his mind if I left the houses for anything but work. He wound up beating the shit out of me and holding me at gunpoint for 3 hours.

My personal policy for guys showing possessive tendencies: GTFO. Immediately.

I'm so glad you're okay! Omg I'd be terrified.

Thank you all SO much for the advice. You're all 1000% right.
But now he decided to support me?
Maybe this is for real, idk, I surely hope so.

Megan Tomas wrote:
He gets mad (and this is going to sound crazy) because he thinks HE should be the only thing in my life?

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his. He'd get so angry that it took time away from him to go to a shoot or dance rehearsal, but once the pictures came out or it was the night of a show, he was suddenly Captain Supportive. Which is why I tolerated his behavior for so long. In the end, he isolated me from my friends and would lose his mind if I left the houses for anything but work. He wound up beating the shit out of me and holding me at gunpoint for 3 hours.

My personal policy for guys showing possessive tendencies: GTFO. Immediately.

The point here ladies- don't date jealous, possessive men. It takes two to tango, and if you dance with the devil...its gonna get ugly.

I have no sympathy for someone who is foolish enough to stay in a bad situation. There are plenty of decent guys out there. Wise up and date one, not a jealous loser.

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his. He'd get so angry that it took time away from him to go to a shoot or dance rehearsal, but once the pictures came out or it was the night of a show, he was suddenly Captain Supportive. Which is why I tolerated his behavior for so long. In the end, he isolated me from my friends and would lose his mind if I left the houses for anything but work. He wound up beating the shit out of me and holding me at gunpoint for 3 hours.

My personal policy for guys showing possessive tendencies: GTFO. Immediately.

Shit. That's crazy! I'm glad you came out unharmed, and that you kick that quality to the curb......no one deserves that. Yet shit heels like that always get good women they don't even deserve. Odd.

Megan Tomas wrote:

I'm so glad you're okay! Omg I'd be terrified.

Thank you all SO much for the advice. You're all 1000% right.
But now he decided to support me?
Maybe this is for real, idk, I surely hope so.

Very unlikely that it's real. You're giving him a chance and that's good but don't keep him around and hope he changes. People often hold on to little changes and the words, "I'm trying" in hope that things will keep getting better. Him wanting to be the only thing in your life is not just a little jealousy, it's pretty much maxed out. The road from where he is to where he should be is very very long and it's not likely that someone with his attitude is going to travel it. So keep your eyes open and don't keep giving him chances. You're giving him one chance and leave it at that. If he blows it, dump him. Quick and perminant.

You haven't lived long enough to experience many relationships but I promise you that there is much better to be found that what you're dealing with. When you meet someone that truly supports you, your views will change. You won't believe that you thought what you have with guy is love. You also won't believe how much stronger you'll become. A boyFRIEND will encourage you and your dreams. He'll support you even when you're down. The difference between someone is actually supporting you and someone who's fighting their true feelings and trying to look like they're supporting you is everything to you. You're driven to be a model. You're going to have bad days that feel like you've been kicked in teeth. When you come home from a shoot that somehow went bad...when you are exhausted and feel like you'll never make it or just can't take it anymore, who do you want to come home to? The guy who listens to you cry about it, holds you and says things like, "Oh baby, it's all going to be fine. It was just one day. It's over and done and there are so many more good days to come." or the guy who listens to you cry about it, holds you and says, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry to hear that. You tried so hard but things don't always work out and modeling is a very tough business. Maybe it's just time to move on with something else."?

Kaouthia wrote:
Can't speak from a model's perspective, but I'd tell him to get over it or get lost.

+1

I mean, it's the industry; Models need to look good for someone else's eye. Hopefully the photographers that do shoot you have the professionalism to make it about the work. If the bf is jealous about your art, it's not worth it.

Tom Rinard Photography wrote:
A relationship with a controlling mate is not a relationship at all!!!

You are correct!  It's a one sided relationship.  Those who don't reciprocate are not relating.  One sided relationships are not worth having.

Megan Tomas wrote:
Update:

He doesn't understand how important modeling is to me.
I have a huge shoot in NYC tomorrow, and apparently modeling is "more important" than him because I'm going to the shoot instead of seeing him.

Apparently I don't care about him and only about modeling.
Okay, modeling is VERY important to me, but I do care about him too.

Instead of supporting me and wishing me luck, he's making me feel horrible for going.

Yay.

So in other words, he would want you to give up what you love doing to do as he wants you to?  That sounds just like slavery, doesn't it?   I've never understood why someone would want to make another person their slave.   It's your choice, and I hope you choose to feel happy and good about yourself over feeling "horrible!"   
Best wishes to you!

Lumigraphics wrote:

The point here ladies- don't date jealous, possessive men. It takes two to tango, and if you dance with the devil...its gonna get ugly.

I have no sympathy for someone who is foolish enough to stay in a bad situation. There are plenty of decent guys out there. Wise up and date one, not a jealous loser.

Yeah - the problem with this is that abusive partners don't show that side of themselves until they believe they are firmly "in" with their victim. Only once they know they've got you, do they show their true colors. Because they are abusers, and that's exactly how they do it. And you may think it's easy to get out of that situation, but it isn't. There's the legal side: mine won't be prosecuted for anything. I'll be lucky to just get the Order of Protection made permanent (which does NOT serve as an eviction, in this state). Then the personal side (my personal experiences, but typical for the situation): the constant death threats, showing up unexpectedly, stalking, causing problems at my job, lies, threats (I'll burn your house down, I'll kill your family, I'll kill your friends, I'll make you watch while I kill your pets), sending pics of him slashing himself up with a knife, and my personal favorite - him holding a .45 handgun above his head by the barrel saying, "Have you ever been pistol whipped? No? Well, I'll make sure no one ever thinks you're beautiful again." Before swinging the gun down to 3" from my face, then punching me. It causes a very deep and real fear of leaving the psycho. I have a very extensive selection of wonderful friends who helped me plan and ultimately helped me get to the police. But what do you do when you can't get to the police? (He took my phone and car keys by force.)  How about when he's completely separated you from your friends and family? 

If you're referring to not getting into a relationship with someone who is jealous from the get go, then I absolutely agree with you, however, typical abusers would never show that side of themselves in the initial stages of a relationship. I'm not trying to be a bitch, and this is in no way meant to be a personal attack, but I think you're oversimplifying abusive relationships. The fundamental attribution error rears its head, again. (The belief that bad things happen to you because of bad luck or circumstance, but bad things happen to other people because they are stupid/lazy/weak/etc.) 

Understand that the man I fell in love with was kind, funny, charming, supportive, adoring, and more. He was a fictional construct designed to lure me in. So not only do I have to deal with the violence of the situation, but my heart is broken because the man I loved never existed.

Lil Cat wrote:
jealousy can ruin a relationship.maybe he just loves you and is not comfortable 'sharing' you with the rest of the world to see.being jealous doesnt make him a bad guy automatically.it all comes down to what is more important to you.do you care enough about him that you would give up modeling if it would make him happy or does posing in front of a camera for various strange men more important than your relationship?you will NEVER make your boyfriend change his feelings about you modeling so yall need to figure out whats the most important choice for both of you or else just move on without him if you plan on making modeling a career


Cat

That is just a horrible way of looking at it..

Why can't it be the other way around.

Is HE going to love you enough and trust you enough to let you do what you enjoy and love.. or is HE going to be selfish enough and not trust you enough to make your own decisions on what you want to do in your life.

Jealousy is ugly.. NOT ONE THING GOOD comes from it... jealousy says "I don't trust you, I have to protect what is mine at all costs".

My (now) ex-wife was jealous all of the time.. I couldn't have friends unless SHE approved, I couldn't tell a joke for fear another girl might find it funny...

Wow.. no... if jealousy ever rears it's ugly head... the relationship is doomed whether you 'love' the person or not.. because that person has zero trust in there ability to say "No".

Lil Cat wrote:
jealousy can ruin a relationship.maybe he just loves you and is not comfortable 'sharing' you with the rest of the world to see.being jealous doesnt make him a bad guy automatically.it all comes down to what is more important to you.do you care enough about him that you would give up modeling if it would make him happy or does posing in front of a camera for various strange men more important than your relationship?you will NEVER make your boyfriend change his feelings about you modeling so yall need to figure out whats the most important choice for both of you or else just move on without him if you plan on making modeling a career


Cat

I think that when we are young, just "a little jealousy" occurs because we are still learning about each other.  As we grow older and get to know each other well, the jealousy should go away.  Have you interviewed older couples who have been married for 25 years or more?  They can be goofy, loving and so comfortable with each other that there is no longer a jealous bone to be found. 

Jealousy might be a symptom to further issues or it may not, but jealousy certainly is not a reason to become controlling and manipulative in a relationship.

Extreme Body Art wrote:
That is just a horrible way of looking at it..

Why can't it be the other way around.

Is HE going to love you enough and trust you enough to let you do what you enjoy and love.. or is HE going to be selfish enough and not trust you enough to make your own decisions on what you want to do in your life.

Jealousy is ugly.. NOT ONE THING GOOD comes from it... jealousy says "I don't trust you, I have to protect what is mine at all costs".

My (now) ex-wife was jealous all of the time.. I couldn't have friends unless SHE approved, I couldn't tell a joke for fear another girl might find it funny...

Wow.. no... if jealousy ever rears it's ugly head... the relationship is doomed whether you 'love' the person or not.. because that person has zero trust in there ability to say "No".

Wow!  You are pretty hardcore against "any" jealousy at all!  I've talked with girlfriends about jealousy.  If it's something we can both discuss in detail as to who and why we are feeling jealous, then I think it can be a good thing.  At that point, it's an open discussion.  When it escalates to something where it's not being discussed without fighting, and the person whom is overly jealous resorts to controlling and manipulating the relationship, then it's time to take some sort of action.  In many cases the person who is in a relationship where the other person is so jealous that they become dangerous needs to escape to save their own life!  Choose freedom!   You'll be happy you did! 

Vaudeville wrote:
I'm about to sound like an asshole, because I'm not all that much older than you, but:

You're sixteen. Statistically, this boy is not going to be the man you end up spending your life with, especially if he's getting angry over modeling gigs.

Have you guys sat down and talked about this? Have you asked him why he gets angry about something that (I assume) you enjoy?

To answer your question: I don't put up with jealous men. Our personalities would clash horribly. My boyfriend is massively supportive and adores my work (yes, even my nude work). IMO, a healthy relationship is one where you communicate openly and support your partner. When that stops it's time to reevaluate your relationship.

+1000000000

Patrick Walberg wrote:

Wow!  You are pretty hardcore against "any" jealousy at all!  I've talked with girlfriends about jealousy.  If it's something we can both discuss in detail as to who and why we are feeling jealous, then I think it can be a good thing.  At that point, it's an open discussion.  When it escalates to something where it's not being discussed without fighting, and the person whom is overly jealous resorts to controlling and manipulating the relationship, then it's time to take some sort of action.  In many cases the person who is in a relationship where the other person is so jealous that they become dangerous needs to escape to save their own life!  Choose freedom!   You'll be happy you did! 

I actually agree that jealousy should be discussed.... and in my personal life, I tried it.. she just got worse and worse and more controlling and eventually she finally gave up and realized I'm not going to change, and she isn't either.. so we went separate ways (there is a LOT more to it, but jealousy was a factor in splitting up.)

Extreme Body Art wrote:

I actually agree that jealousy should be discussed.... and in my personal life, I tried it.. she just got worse and worse and more controlling and eventually she finally gave up and realized I'm not going to change, and she isn't either.. so we went separate ways (there is a LOT more to it, but jealousy was a factor in splitting up.)

Yes, there usually is more to it than "jealousy."  The thing is that when a person continues to refuse to discuss their jealousy in a calm rational manner ... they are not likely to change.  At that point, you are best to leave the relationship.

GeekySock wrote:
I just got out of a nearly year-long relationship with an extremely jealous and controlling man. He also wanted to be the only thing in my life...but he also wanted to "show me off" so other men knew I was his.

To me, that was the worst part. He said he didn't want me to meet his family because he was ashamed of what I do, because to them me modeling nude for photographers and art classes would be the same as him dating a prostitute, and he'd constantly give me shit about it. Then again he would show all of his guy friends my pictures ("Look at what I am banging!") and loved to parade me around like a prize at parties.

Never. Again.