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Relationships and modeling.
I've been involved with the significant other for over a year now, and only recently started to seriously look into modeling. We've spoken about how each other feels about me doing nude photography. He feels very traditionally about it, my "goods" are special and that only he gets to enjoy them. While 95% of the time I go along with it, there is that 5% of my mind that pings every now and then. (For instance, if I were to wear booty shorts, something that showed a little more than casual dress). It's my body, I get final say. If he can't trust me, or if that doesn't make him happy then that's something he's going to have to get over if he wants to stay with me. Right? On the other hand, I feel like I'm the bad person for even having to put him in a situation like that. I know relationships are compromise, but do any of you have any experience with this? Is there anything I can do to make the transition easier? Any advice is very much appreciated. Jun 17 13 12:45 pm Link i thought the point of having a beautiful woman by your side was to show her off and make the other guys think "what a lucky bastard". maybe he should look on the bright side. the thing about relationships is if you keep hurting someone they may put up with it for a time but ultimately there will be payback. and payback's a bitch. better to get it sorted before then even if it means leaving. wasn't there a VS model who recently gave it up because her man felt the same way? i guess it just depends on what's most important in your life. how bad do you need a man? or at least that man. i'm not sure how i'd feel if it were me. i'd want my partner to be happy and do their thing but i also think i'd be jealous if she seemed to have more fun with the photographers than with me or wanted to spend all her free time with them and not me. or if she started texting these guys day and night like she was single. now if she was making good money at it so i could fund my golf game. lol. maybe you just need to work on convincing your guy that there's something in it for him! Jun 17 13 12:54 pm Link Your body, your business. It's your life, live it the way you want to, not in accordance to someone else's morals!! Who knows, maybe if you just go for it he'll see how awesome the work you're doing is and change his mind!  If not, the whole point of a relationship is being with someone who supports your life ambitions...Jun 17 13 01:29 pm Link there are plenty of women out there who agree with the "my man gets to own my body parts" sentiment. There are those who do not. Its not a matter of you "putting him in a situation and being a bad person", its a matter of you having different values. Most couples DO disagree on something. Sometimes that something is a bigger issue than others. If you believe you should be able to do what you want to with your own body, and he doesnt, or has trust/insecurity issues that center around you and what you do with your body, decide if thats an issue for you and do what needs to be done about it. Either tell him to deal with it, and if he cant he can leave, or you leave. Jun 17 13 01:37 pm Link If I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like you've reached a compromise: you get to wear booty shorts and he has to live with that fact, and you won't model nude and have to live with that body-ownership-means-no-nudity fact. So, get your booty out to California and keep your shorts on. I'll get my camera. Jun 17 13 01:44 pm Link Sunkist Meli wrote: i've seen it enough times when trying to get people i know in life [not on MM] to model. one is not just dealing with an individual model, but also with their mate, their family, and the entire neurotic structure of consciousness within them that they have incorporated from society. Jun 17 13 01:46 pm Link do what makes YOU happy. If it is or is not nude modeling, only you can answer that. Figure out how the rest with relationships..etc. fall into line from there. good luck Jun 17 13 01:49 pm Link It's more than just considering it's your body and you get to do with it as you please. Ultimately that is the truth, but at what cost??? Ignoring entirely how you may or may not be treated by people for posing nude, think about what he may go through. Does he want to risk his male friends seeing you nude? Can he handle the occasional weirdo approaching you out of the blue in public and saying,"Hi. I've seen your pictures ..."??? Will you recognize when someone starts "warming up to the plate" and driving a wedge between the two of you because of an infatuation after seeing you nude??? Situations like these are just the tip of the iceberg. It's one thing if you were already doing nudes when you two met, and he became comfortable with that because it was part of your norm. But he's had you "all to himself," presumably, up until this time. Now he has to share that beauty? Here's the thing, I prefer shooting nudes. The challenge to shoot nudes is greater than shooting portraits or fashion, or even weddings in many cases. For some photographers they'll never even touch the genre because of a variety of fears and stigmas they don't want to deal with. The human form is a passion of mine. It needs to be a passion for the model as well to get the best photos produced. If a model is holding himself or herself back for any reason during a nude shoot, it will show on camera. Lines will be off. Moods will be too thick. The carefree matter-of-fact-ness of the subject matter will be convoluted. A model can easily bring all of these uncomfortable aspects to a shoot if thee's problems on the home-front with the subject matter at hand. Ask yourself the very honest question of where your relationship is and where you want it to go. Is it really a long-term relationship, and if so, do you want to be the cause of resentment within it? Don't get me wrong, there are men, and women, out there who can't even handle their SO doing fashion modeling without nudity because of all the attention it brings to that person. They feel the SO is being shared even when not in front of the camera. What can you two handle? Is it necessary to handle it in the first place? Jun 17 13 02:02 pm Link Sunkist Meli wrote: I have a word for that and it's not traditional. Jun 17 13 03:55 pm Link He's an idiot. Dump him now - it will only get worse. Just my $0.02 Ciao Stefano www.stefanobrunesci.com Jun 17 13 03:58 pm Link Sunkist Meli wrote: Right. Jun 17 13 04:03 pm Link Just a short comment..... It's not traditional opinion, it's insecurity!! Being jealous, and this is jealousy, has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with him. If you give up things for his insecurity, he'll keep backing up expecting more compromise on your part and none on his part. Jun 17 13 04:19 pm Link That Italian Guy wrote: That's the standard reply to all relationship questions on yahoo answers *eye roll* Jun 17 13 04:21 pm Link I don't care if you ever want to pose nude. I do care that you are thinking of sticking with someone who is so possessive of you. This cannot turn out well. Jun 17 13 04:25 pm Link Danielle Reid wrote: Clearly somebody on Yahoo knows what they're talking about then Jun 17 13 04:29 pm Link I know you aren't a nude model per say, but the same still applies....have him read this, for lots of slicing and dicing on this topic  http://farrellgallery.com/blog/nude-mod … lications/ Jun 17 13 04:39 pm Link I've had an ex try to make me stop modeling. Obviously that didn't work that great. I'm with a man that respects me as an individual and doesn't feel like I have to ask permission to do whatever I want to do. Just like he doesn't have to ask me permission either. Jun 17 13 04:40 pm Link That Italian Guy wrote: This exactly. Jun 17 13 04:42 pm Link That Italian Guy wrote: Seriously. Anyone trying to pull that off with me would end up single in seconds. Jun 17 13 04:47 pm Link I've dated jealous guys before. My recent ex LOVED that guys would drool over me. He loved it so much he purposely showed me off. I was his little trophy. But he was a VERY jealous guy. Any text that came through that didn't resemble a female he'd flip out. Then he'd get drunk and I'd have to go hide somewhere. My fiance now isn't jealous and encourages me to do whatever I want. I still ask out of respect if he's alright with certain things and I make sure to tell him what I'm doing just so he isn't worried. He doesn't care or at least he doesn't show it. But I have had to hold him back a few times if we're walking around and some guy is obviously checking me out. No I don't agree the whole "his eyes only" thing, but I also laugh at everyone saying "Go do you, honey, you need no man to make you happy! Mmm-hmm shake it girl!" Jun 17 13 04:56 pm Link I'd rather be single than with a controlling significant other. YMMV. Jun 17 13 04:59 pm Link From the OP's profile:"Must be comfortable with my husband being present." So this relationship you've been in for a year is your husband? Who attends every shoot? Jun 17 13 05:00 pm Link Erin Verdigris wrote: Yikes... Jun 17 13 05:07 pm Link Erin Verdigris wrote: Oh Jeez Jun 17 13 05:13 pm Link Wow! I'm shocked at how many replies I've received. All of your feedback is super helpful thank you. I suppose the main thing that I feel solidified in my mind now is this: Compromise in a relationship is very important, but keeping a sense of self is also important. He is a good guy, who has insecurities. And since he does, I'd like to try and work through them, rather than immediately take this red flag and head for the nearest exit. While many couples find inspiration in their SO, I don't really see it as a bad idea in bringing someone who makes me comfortable. I do however understand that those who don't know me, my relationship, or him, could see this as a cause of alarm. I bring him along because he puts me at ease, and inspires me. Not because he has laid down some rule to be there. There are so many truths in all that everyone has posted, I really appreciate the time you've taken to respond! I'm sure everything will work out for the best. Jun 17 13 09:05 pm Link Normal relationship compromise: -"I'll scrub the bathroom if you do the dishes" -"I know we need to cut our spending, so I'll kick my starbucks habit if you stop eating out for lunch" -"we can watch your show if you DVR mine" -"you walk the dog on thursdays because I get home late and Im too tired" Not normal relationship compromise: -I get to control what you do with your body -I get to control what you wear on said body -I get to tell you which hobbies are okay and which aren't even though theyre not actually hurting anything except my shitty ego that if you go along with what I say youre only enabling me to never fix Jun 17 13 09:19 pm Link So you and your husband should discuss this beforehand. If you plan to keep the marriage happy, you need to let him know how you feel and why its important to you, and listen to his reasons. From that conversation you can begin to determine if its a relationship ender, or just something he is not thrilled about and hoped the idea would die out. He may have concerns about family and friends seeing it, that can strongly impact his reaction about it and should be addressed. Stephen Eastwood Http://www.StephenEastwood.com Jun 17 13 09:26 pm Link I never said he was that controlling. He just happens to not agree with it, he's never once told me, "you can't do this". We spoken and he's told me it make him uncomfortable, never as controlling as it seems. I appreciate the concern, but it's really not that dramatic. It's just two people who care about one another, who happen to have a different point of view. Jun 17 13 09:27 pm Link Laura UnBound wrote: +1 Jun 17 13 09:31 pm Link My wife is naked all over the interwebs. I am okay with this. Laura UnBound wrote: +1 Jun 17 13 09:37 pm Link Kaela Kino wrote: Wow, that isn't how a marriage works. While I understand what you are getting at, the simple fact is its a partnership. You are right in that you should not be living your life by someone else morals, you should have the same ones to start with. Jun 17 13 09:49 pm Link Never mind. Jun 17 13 09:58 pm Link Miss Photog wrote: I really like all that you've said. Thank you. Jun 17 13 11:09 pm Link P I X I E wrote: So true! Within the last few years, I've dated half a dozen women who have more or less told me... 'Gee Gary... you gotta great sense of humor... good looking and talented on many levels... you'd make a great spouse if you weren't in this line of work'... Jun 18 13 01:16 am Link Sunkist Meli wrote: A little harder as you're contemplating this after you've become a couple - perhaps a perception you're changing the rules after the bell so to speak. Jun 18 13 04:29 am Link Short answer--How happy do you think you'll be, long term, with someone who wants to make your important decisions for you and/or considers you and your private parts his "property"? Longer and better answer-- This is a pattern instilled in us by our culture and by the tradition that women are indeed property. It's generally not an actual distrust of the woman (or man) in question. It's just a knee-jerk reaction. If both your significant other and your modeling are important to you, then the best approach might be to draw him into it with you. My wife and I have been married for 52 years and have a very solid basis of trust between us, but when I started shooting nudes she was very disturbed by it. Her concern was not that I'd do any thing wrong but rather that the models would be screaming "rape!" at every turn. My approach was to recruit her as my assistant. Frankly, she got in the way more often than she helped but she did get a chance to see the girls as they really are, normal friendly nice kids. And she did get to see the shoots for what they are, long and boring for anyone not really involved. It wasn't long before she was begging off her "assistant" job. Now she's very supportive, but usually from a distance. If you have a couple of cooperative photographers in your area who could use an "assistant" on your shoots. Who knows, it might work for you too. Jun 18 13 07:59 am Link Sunkist Meli wrote: “One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.” Jun 18 13 01:58 pm Link "Possession is nine points of the law." Who possess you? That being said, all is negotiable. Is he worth it? Abandoning your desire, that is. Perhaps you might go slow -- show him there's nothing to fear. Jun 18 13 03:15 pm Link Sunkist Meli wrote: In that case I'm sure it will work itself out. Jun 18 13 03:42 pm Link I'm going to qualify this by saying that I have no problem with nudity or my GF/wife posing nude. However not everyone feels the same way about nudity as it pertains to sex. Just because the majority of people on MM are more open about this subject doesn't mean our view is right for everyone. I don't see this as being an issue of controlling each other (although it could be). I don't know the OP or her partner or their concerns or intentions toward each other. A lot of people posted in this thread and made this an issue about one person telling another what they can or can't do with their body, and that's fine. But I think there can be some gray area in this regard when it comes to relationships. Some people have open relationships where they can have sex outside the relationship. Does everyone who thinks you can do whatever you want with your body think that's ok too? The point is that some people extend their view that far and we may or may not agree. Is it wrong? Some people draw the line at nudity and think that should just be shared by the two people in the relationship. It doesn't have to be about control. Who are we to judge that? My main concern with this couple is that the two people seem to be on a different level when it comes to nudity and sex. That could make for difficulty in the relationship and the OP has to decide what's more important to her. And she needs to decide if her partner even has the same values she does in general. Jun 18 13 04:47 pm Link |
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