"You are often loved because of your outgoing and fun personality, and you like to give hugs and flirt, but underneath of it all you are lacking heart. You find it hard to love others through all the walls you've built around your heart from being hurt so much throughout life, but you want to love, you desperately want that fun, romance that you see in others, but you don't know if you can have it in your current circumstances. You want stability, but at the same time you need change. You go from one extreme to another and often feel overwhelmed when you can't figure out something. You think about your life often and how you can improve your character. You find it hard to settle, but you really want to. You just feel like you need to find that balance, that heart that you've been missing for so long. You need to love through the pain, but it's so hard. But the walls need to crumble for you to truly be YOU.."
This happens to be true for me and almost unfortunately so, but wanting to be better is a great thing to hold in my heart, so i won't give up. I will identify the reason for the fears and habbits that tossed me to and fro my whole life. This year, 2010, I opt to believe God. I dream that my life could be something pleasing to God and beneficial to His kingdom. Maybe this year, I break out. I stop investigating what's wrong and start promoting what's good. I stop second guessing and step out. I stop limiting myself and trust that God will lead and protect me. I will embrace the unique way God made me and create at my own pace and think on His brain waves. let's see about this year. Surviving has been a miracle, but i want to live life abndantly now. No matte what happens, it has been a good run. Many times I ended up on my knees or curled up in a ball, memories of sadness and abandonment hauntingly decorating the walls in my head along with the throb of failure like a constant headache. Other times, I experienced the joy of discovering the purpose in it all and that thirst for more of the only love that will ever fill my soul and satisfy my hunger for adventure. I hope God gives me as many chances as it takes so that I will do this and so much mercy cuz man have I blown it. But I'm still breathing. I hope I'm still able to run to the purposed end...it seems like a long shot, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.