What Makes Me So Friggin' Special?
Aside from my profligate use of sexual innuendo and profanity-saturated language, along with an absolute vacuum of sensitivity toward anyone else's feelings, I'm not a bad guy. I've been published and exhibited and my work is universally referred to as the epitome of what not to do as a photographer, which is just another sign of my uniqueness in the field. I'm a true artist, not a follower who runs with the pack. As photographers go, I can say with supreme confidence that you will never work with someone else like me. I am the gutter against which all failure is measured. After working with me just once, your every future experience will seem to be elevated by comparison.
Digital Versus Real Photography
Digital is a passing fad, so I shoot only film, which will soon make a stunning resurgence as digital fades into history along with the internet and cell phones. Film has texture and character in the form of grain, specs of dust, fingerprints, and scratches. I am a master at accentuating those special attributes. While film is a slow, chemical-intensive process that requires a mastery of science and meticulous adherence to procedure, my treatment is totally haphazard, adding mystery and surprise to the results. Indeed, the range of possible outcomes includes completely clear or completely black negatives. What other photographer stretches his imagination to include those extremes? Critics say I don't know light from dark or an exposure meter from a lollipop. That's true, I don't get lost in such meaningless details. I am an artist, not a craftsman. If you want to work with someone who knows about lighting and focus, go find a high school kid who still believes in the myth of technique.
I have certain expectations with models. First, you have to be reasonably attractive in the sense that I don't want you scaring the spots off my pet salamander or terrifying the neighbor kids who often like to watch through the windows. No really obese models are allowed unless they exhibit special talents like the ability to juggle flaming batons while performing unnatural sex acts. Don't worry about a wardrobe. Clothes are for dull uninspired models incapable of thinking outside the box. However, if you have "props" (*wink wink*), definitely bring those.
I am particularly interested in models who have a lot of piercings. By "a lot” I mean so many that security won"t let you into the mall for fear you'll attract a mob of picture-snapping, unruly, on-lookers who will impede traffic to the point of violating fire safety regulations. If the piercings actually pose a health risk, all the better.
You'll be glad to know my studio is open to all female models regardless of ethnicity, hair color, physical deformity, or sexual orientation. I'm especially fond of using models who exhibit untreated psychotic levels of guilt or paranoia, because they tend to be capable of facial expressions well-adjusted people can't match and can easily be made to cry real tears on demand if the theme calls for it. There is no smiling in my pictures. Joy is an over-used cliché that has no place in true art.
You may bring a female chaperon, but please make sure she knows that she will have to be naked like the rest of us in the studio. The same goes for whoever you bring to do your makeup. By the way, it’s your responsibility to pay the makeup artist who must be licensed and preferably athletic looking. Damage to furniture and walls from hot curling irons and makeup splatter will be repaired and billed to the makeup artist. A family member is usually held in escrow until payment is received in cash.
It's imperative you show up on time, but it's best not to get out of your car until the dogs are secured. Just honk to let us know you've arrived. Someone will show you to the studio where you can undress and watch TV until after I've showered, eaten breakfast, read the paper, and answered my over-night fan mail. Please be sure to remain standing at all times to prevent the formation of unsightly lines on your ass from my wicker furniture.
I am not a drug dealer. You must bring your own drugs and be sure you bring enough for everyone. It's one thing having to work with a stoned naked model, but no one should have to do that sober. That's just standard professional studio etiquette. Ask any New York supermodel.
I do allow music in the studio. I encourage you to bring your own CDs, but you may select from my ever-growing collection left behind by other models.
It's best if you have a fairly thick skin. I tend to cuss a lot
. For example, I use the F-word frequently when I'm suggesting an improvement to a pose or inquiring about why your hair is like it is. And don't get all uppity when I manually help you perfect a particular pose. It's not man-handling, or groping, or assault, or any of the other things people call it. If you don't like being touched, I suggest you bring extra drugs to help you through that part.
No, I don't provide references, so don't ask. While I've worked with hundreds of models, they're just not the kind of people I would trust to say honest things about me and usually their lawyers tell them to stay away from me anyway.
CASH: Except in the cases of A-list celebrities and models with unique animal acts, payment is strictly minimum wage since models don't actually do any work aside from just sitting there and looking pretty. Apparently it has leaked out that I dock your pay fifty cents for each skin imperfection. I admit to that, but just keep in mind you're supposed to be a model. Real
models don't have skin imperfections.
PRINTS: Remember, I shoot film, so it will take me a few months to get your copies printed. One or two years, at most. I'll notify you when they're done and you have 24 hours to pick them up. While the images are part of the compensation package and therefore free, you will be expected to reimburse me for time and materials used in making the prints. Total cost depends on a lot of variables, so I can't give you a price in advance, but bring at least several hundred dollars with you.
Why YOU Should Work With Me
You should model for me just for the novelty of working with someone of my stature in "the industry". That's my favorite phrase. "The Industry". Whenever someone talks about "The Industry", you know you're working with the cream of the crop. Think of the stories you'll have to tell your friends. But don't tell them anything until after the shoot. Sometimes models chicken out before they even work with me because some jealous friend or family member told them a bunch of terrifying "what if" horror stories and showed them news clippings about models who just coincidentally happened to disappear near my house. How rude.