Okay. So here it is. You probably should write this down for later in case you're not online when you want to read it again.

As with most great photographers today, I started taking pictures of my girlfriends, pets, and other items that one sees daily. During my first few years of snapping pics my friends and fellow artisans would simply say "oh, that's nice" dismissively and then prattle on about the various quantum states of matter and grand unification theory. Whatever. Anyway, since I've had LOTS of girlfriends my skills as a photographic artisan developed very quickly. (how cool is it that I worked in the word "developed"?! I'll bet NO ONE has ever been able to do it with such ease.)  So where was I... I've had oodles of girlfriends over the decades who enjoyed posing for me, thus feeding our mutual codependent need for acceptance. The few GF's who didn't like to be photographed I had to practice on while they were passed out or sleeping.  That's how I developed such a keen eye for posing my models - because when someone is passed out you can't expect them to come up with good ideas, no matter how smart they seem when they're lucid.

About my equipment: I don't use photographic plates like when that Ansel guy was around. I don’t use celluloid, cellulose, cellulite nor cell phones either.  I've shot with a Canon Powershot G3 - which I refer to as my "Great Threesome" since it has closeup, middle and zoom. It's an all in one camera which means I don't have to worry about sensor dust nor heavy camera bags. And trust me: I have no need to "compensate" for any short comings by getting all those fancy do-dads.  I live by the axiom: One Man, One Camera.  This saying may sound familiar to you because Bob Marley changed the wording and stole it from me. Fucker.

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Here are my thoughts on working with "models". My overwhelming inclination is to collaborate with subjects of the feminine persuasion who will do at least partial nudity. Out of necessity I include face and hands in my definition of nudity. If you are not willing to expose ANY of your skin then I might as well work with a sack of russet potatoes tarted up with some good makeup and a hat. Been there; done that. After shooting with me you'll undoubtedly be compelled to share the uniquely imaginative and flawless images with your friends. Because I realize how important it may seem to shoot with me, Merlin The Wizard, I'm willing to do TFP.  I could charge $400/hr but I'm a generous and magnanimous guy and I'm just not that way.  Obviously I could easily make a comfortable living shooting models at $400/hr, but I'm independently wealthy working 2 full-time jobs so I pass the savings on to you! I want to give back what I can to you wonderful models who inspire and serve as my muses of bemusement.

I'd like to do some outside shooting while the weather is nice. Also, here are some killer location ideas that I got from books at the library:
  * The Milwaukee domes
  * The mall
  * Houses or apartments
  * Pavilions (I came up with this one myself)
  * Lobbies of downtown business buildings
  * Hotels (if you pay I'll bring some soda)
  * The art museum when they aren't watching
  * Portable structures like tents
  * Cars (I know a guy who'll let me use his Pinto)
  * The vast network of underground limestone caves beneath the city
  * Rooftops with less than a 10% pitch
  * Suggest something to me. Seeing as you've read this far you must be intelligent, ergo, your idea is worth something.


Here's some info about me, Merlin the Wizard.  I graduated high school more than 10 years ago, so logically that means that I'm not inexperienced nor untrustworthy in any way.  I have never had any problems with models that I'm aware of and I'll give you my friends pager number for a reference.  Also, my parents will vouch for me if they think you're calling for a credit reference and if they believe you can help get my debt transferred out of their name and over to a legitimate financial institution. Just go with it. Lastly, I have a myspace page that I will be glad to share after we shoot. 

With regards to attitude I'm looking for lots of it from you.  With regards to altitude, please note that Milwaukee is 597 feet above sea level according to the latest geological surveys. Make sure you can handle the thin air before booking. The worst is when I'm in the middle of a shoot and my model starts hyperventilating and turning blue from lack of oxygen.  If it's not a scripted part of the shoot it's just annoying, and I'm likely to let you come to all by yourself without doing anything to help.

What I will do:
*  Do diligence
*  Evening shoots on the dewy grasses
*  I will do right by my models

What I won't do:
*  Talk about my lots of girlfriends who've helped me hone my amazing skills as a photographer and as a lover... of photography.
*  I won't "Do the Dew"

That's it for now but I reserve the right to recall the witness at a later time, as well as to amend this profile.

My best wishes to you.  Spread the news and tell all of your friends that the sun has risen - Merlin is ready to work with them!!!


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As a special bonus I will occasionally post some tips that have made me the unparalleled artist that I am today.  Here’s the winter tip for 2009:

THE WIZARD'S CORNER - TIPS FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS
Regarding lenses: The Problem -  You think that you need to get a camera with a better sensor, more pixels, better interpolation, etc.  You want it so bad that you’re willing to break into MIT after abducting the entire physics department (including the cute interns). Then you command them to build a time machine so you can travel into the future to attain your Holy Grail: a camera with the perfect sensor.  When you return to the present (after buying chili dogs for the physics crew), you realize now that you have the ultimate camera you need the ultimate lenses. Why? I'll tell you why. It's because the kickin’ camera that you got from the from the year 2204 is soooooo great that it exposes every flaw in your current arsenal of glass. So you decide to use them as common paperweights and gift them at white elephant parties.

As a result of your subsequent purchases in vain effort to upgrade lenses, the display case that you installed in the foyer to show off all the cool vintage cameras that you find at yard sales finally collapses under the weight of yet another decommissioned lens. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, except the shattered display case has left tiny glass shards all over the oriental rug right where your 3 year old daughter plays with her Chinese-crafted lead-painted Barbie Dolls...  And THEN it gets worse...

The Solution - Buy a 1.3 MP camera of any brand. Then you can buy a single Acme brand lens that has a range of 10mm to 800mm at f13 wide open and sells for $299.95 at Target.  The sensor won’t capture any minor imperfections in this all-in-one lens that only weighs 13 ounces (due to it's fine Chinese manufacturing and ultra-light lead powder coating).  If sharpness is a concern of yours, just add noise/grain to the image in post processing and say you shot it on 6400 ISO Ilford.

Problem solved. You're welcome.
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I promise that when I have credits I will post them IMMEDIATELY for your sake. I expect I should start getting some credits pretty soon since I'm serious about this. In the mean time you should look at other photographers' credits to get an idea of what I'll have here someday soon. If you see credits that you don't think are good ones, let me know and I'll remember not to use that type of credit when I put more up.

September 10, 2007 - I just received my first credit which I take great pride in. One of you fans sent me an email applauding my profile, as well as for the comments that I have left on others' work. This person concluded their message by writing "and your photos are pretty good too."  I have overlooked the obvious omission of the comma between "good" and "too" and I thank you for the sentiment. True, this isn't technically a credit but I want to feel better about myself.

January 20, 2009 - I now have multi-national, multi-continental, and multi-hemispherical recognition of my extraordinary abilities. This lovely Aussie girl that I met on Facebook said I'm talented. It's a glowing endorsement from someone across the globe who believes in a better world filled with my images. God bless her unless your atheist.

April 20, 2010 - Things are going slower than I anticipated. I should have another credit up here by the end of this decade.

April 21, 2010 - Maybe.

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