I have two tattoos...they are both easily concealed, if it's a concern-ask where they're at  I'm not shy.

I recommend changing "ask where they're at" to "ask where they are".  And if you want to write in a more formal style, I suggest this:

I have two tattoos, both of which are easily concealed.  If they are a concern, please ask where they are.

I like creativity. A lot.

This is effective and expressive in an oral style, but you break the rules for sentence formation in formal writing.  (A sentence needs a noun and a verb.)

I like creativity a lot.

Ms Alyssa Noelle wrote:
Can you please critique it to my inbox?

Sorry, that I cannot do.

A Picture of Matthew wrote:
You have adopted a casual, oral style in your writing.  I don't see anything wrong with that for an internet profile.  But you should be aware that you are breaking some rules of formal business writing.

I have two tattoos...they are both easily concealed, if it's a concern-ask where they're at  I'm not shy.

I recommend changing "ask where they're at" to "ask where they are".  And if you want to write in a more formal style, I suggest this:

I have two tattoos, both of which are easily concealed.  If they are a concern, please ask where they are.


This is effective and expressive in an oral style, but you break the rules for sentence formation in formal writing.  (A sentence needs a noun and a verb.)

I like creativity a lot.

Thank you! I implemented both of these and I'm headed to your port!

RL_11214 wrote:
I'm in.

Looks fine to me.  Your writing becomes a bit monotonous because most of the sentences have the form
  I [this]
  I [that]
  I [something else]

Change "South West" to "southwest".  Capitalize directions only when you use them as places.  (When I lived in the Southwest, I regularly photographed radiators.)

Nat Dawn B wrote:
Now thats a sensible critique idea, I get vexed by bad spelling and punctuation and I would hate hate it if I was being a hypocrite doing it myself! Please let me know.

Fashion portfolio work with Louise and Peter Crouch of Pinktulip as first prize of Cumberland News' Me model competition (photography by Pete Crouch
as seen on http://www.pinktulip.co.uk

Don't forget to close the parenthesis.

Portfolio modelling 'Alice in Wonderland' shoot for Struts (Fancy dress suppliers)- photography by Mike@Struts

Why is "Fancy" capitalized?  And it should be written like this -- space, dash, dash, and a space.

Fashion modelling for Kevin Nobin @ the University of Cumbria

@ --> at

Photographers I have worked with say I have a very adaptable look, and I will throw myself into any shoot with great enthusiasm.

Photographers say that you throw yourself into any shoot?  I think these are two different sentences. 

I would make a good alternative model because I have a typical english rose complexion (very pale skin) and piercing blue eyes, and an attitude to match!

I have A, B, and C.

However this is just for the camera I have great fun on shoots and will get on with anyone instantly, I look forward to meeting you!

This should be three sentences.  Put periods after "camera" and "instantly".

I do have a few things I won't do; topless, nudes and anything that even comes close to adult/fetish.

I never could use a semicolon properly to save my life, so I won't try to guess whether you did it correctly here.

I will consider lingerie and implied nude as long as I believe it to be tasteful and if it will help my portfolio along, although I prefer to do this in a fashion style more than a glamour style as that is what I'm most interested in.

This really should be two or three separate sentences.

A Picture of Matthew wrote:

Looks fine to me.  Your writing becomes a bit monotonous because most of the sentences have the form
  I [this]
  I [that]
  I [something else]

Change "South West" to "southwest".  Capitalize directions only when you use them as places.  (When I lived in the Southwest, I regularly photographed radiators.)

Thank you.

Great thread!!!

Olaf S wrote:
Is it OK if I ask a question about the first critique you did in  this thread?

Fire away!

Eclectic Vision  wrote:
Please

I use is to see the world more clearly.

I think you meant "it" instead of "is".

Indi-Now wrote:
terrific thread, thanks!

Hello! My name is Indi I am half Australian and half Indonesian. I'm highly motivated to succeed in this industry. I've had professional training in poses and runway.

My name is Indi.  I am ....  I am highly motivated ....  I have ....

I recommend using a consistent style.  If you are going to use contractions, use them all the way through.  (I'm, I'm, I've.)  Generally in more formal writing styles one avoids contractions.  However I do not think they are inappropriate in writing a profile.  Profiles are a reasonable place in which to adopt a less formal style.

My goals are to one day be able to model in one of the fashion capitals, or even continue my career overseas in Asia.

If that is one goal, then you should use the singular.

My goal is to ...

Jakki Browne wrote:
Shouldn't the title be, "grammar, spelling, and punctuation?" Or "grammar, spelling and punctuation?" Just curious.

Yes, that is generally correct.  However headline style emphasizes compactness and newspapers (even stuffy ones like the NYT and WSJ) will bend the rules for a title.

Lists should be written
   A, B, and C
or less commonly but also acceptable
   A, B and C

FootNote Fotography wrote:
I r in!

First off, I are thanking you for your service to the country.  My brother was a marine and fought briefly in Kuwait.  I assume you are doing something similar in Iraq.

Some brief corrections:

I am currently out of the country[period]  I am planning ....

This is a series ... [this sentence needs to be split up]

What this is:  This is ... [redundant, strike "What this is:"]

fasion --> fashion

corney --> corny

convenant -> convenient

That being said[comma] if I am coming ....

Danae Lenore wrote:
ooh me please!

You are doing fine at the grammar and spelling level.  At the stylistic level ask yourself why you are using a meaningless word like "things".  Often you can reword with the same meaning but more impact.

A Picture of Matthew wrote:
You are doing fine at the grammar and spelling level.  At the stylistic level ask yourself why you are using a meaningless word like "things".  Often you can reword with the same meaning but more impact.

thanks so much!

I love grammatical critique; I have had several wonderful essays and poems because of it.

~Danae

Viewu wrote:
Great idea!  Go for it!

Your portfolio gets a little outside of the normal MM box.  A welcome change for the normal.  You don't need my help with grammar and spelling.  But I found a few spots where your writing is overly fancy. 

I instantly fell in love with the process of photography.

Did you fall in love with photography or with the process?  Strike "process".

A “few” years later

Is 'a "few"' somehow different than 'a few'?

This job was fun and crazy, meeting people that really wanted to be cowboys, ....

The job met people?  Try "This job was fun and crazy.  I met people who ..."

I am continually trying to learn, see things in a new way and progress, to find who I am through my photography.

I am continually trying to X, to Y, and to Z.

Four-Eleven Productions wrote:
Sure, I'll play! Thanks for taking a look.

Damn!  You are a better photographer and a better writer than me.

It looks like you are one of the few people on the planet who can properly use a semicolon.  Two small points:

Is "easygoing" one word?  I think it might be two.  Or maybe it should be hyphenated.

I strive to create images that are sweet, sexy, classy and natural and which ....

My style would be to use repetition of "that" to create emphasis.


I strive to create images that A, B, C and D and that X, Y and Z.

A Picture of Matthew wrote:

Four-Eleven Productions wrote:
Sure, I'll play! Thanks for taking a look.

Damn!  You are a better photographer and a better writer than me.

It looks like you are one of the few people on the planet who can properly use a semicolon.  Two small points:

Is "easygoing" one word?  I think it might be two.  Or maybe it should be hyphenated.


My style would be to use repetition of "that" to create emphasis.


I strive to create images that A, B, C and D and that X, Y and Z.

Excellent feedback...thanks! It's also refreshing to see a pertinent post on an original topic here. Best of luck to you.

Peter

A Picture of Matthew wrote:

Eclectic Vision  wrote:
Please

I think you meant "it" instead of "is".

Whoops. Thanks.

Charles Gast wrote:
your going to judge my english and spelling?  i'm definately not in need of any help.
>;~)

I hope that's a winking smiley.

Charles Gast wrote:
your going to judge my english and spelling?  i'm definately not in need of any help.
>;~)

I overuse commas, but I think you could sprinkle in a few more.  Also, always follow commas with a space.

Italy,Holland,and Croatia

My artistic pursuit is genuine and sincere.  If in your profile it is stated "No nudes"COMMA I won't be hassling you about taking off your clothes. If in your profile it is stated that you are a model who does do nudesCOMMA I still won't be bugging you to take off your clothes. I may at some point add some figure work to my portfolio, but I'm in no hurry.

Although I gladly provide images from shoots I do not want outtakes in circulationCOMMA and I am sure you don't either.