S3R4PH1M  wrote:
Have you both discussed artificial insemination?

I'm actually against things like that. I think if a body, or at least my body, isn't meant to reproduce, then it's not good to force it.

Not a judgment for anyone else, but that's something that feels true for me.

DivaEroticus wrote:
If you're willing to say...why is adoption not on the table?

He doesn't really want kids. I know that it's something he considered with his ex-wife several years ago, but considering that he has lived his whole adult life knowing he can't have them, I feel that can't really hold his disinclination against him.

If he could have kids, but didn't want them, there would be an issue. As it is...

I guess there is also the question of: when would be financially stable enough to adopt?

Laura UnBound wrote:
Could you love a baby thats only half you, instead of half you half him?

Do you have a mentally stable male friend who would donate? (or if thats weird, use a stranger. Some people would greatly prefer one over the other)

See above. I'm not pro-artificial insemination for myself.

immateria wrote:

I'm actually against things like that. I think if a body, or at least my body, isn't meant to reproduce, then it's not good to force it.

Not a judgment for anyone else, but that's something that feels true for me.

I'm confused - I thought the infertility was his medical condition, not yours?

S3R4PH1M  wrote:

I'm confused - I thought the infertility was his medical condition, not yours?

It is. If have biological children, I would want them to be conceived in a totally natural
(and, y'know, fun) way.

Lisa Andresen wrote:
Maybe you could try using a sperm donor. If the case is him and his sperm is not good then it has nothing to do with you and your ability to have or carry a child. But if you are going to spend that kind of money I would suggest marriage and a solid commitment before you jump into that. As well as make sure you guys both really want kids and see if he could love a child that is not genetically his.

If you don't want to do anything medically then I would look into fostering or adoption. But again a marriage commitment would need to come first to make sure neither of you is going to back out on this. Plus it makes it harder to get a child into your home if you are not married.

Did you read the thread at all? She addressed all these options.

Lumatic wrote:
That's a tough thing.  I guess the obvious thing to say is:  if you're enough in love with him at this point (and he with you) where you can see the two of you together in the long term, is he more important to you than having kids?

On the other hand, even if you have any doubts on that score, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to make a decision about it now either.  There's something to be said for enjoying what you have for a time.

And on the other hand again, what you decide now might also depend on when you think you might have to make a choice between the two.

I really don't know if I'm helping or not.  Life doesn't always follow our plans to the letter...  (((hug)))

The way I think of it is that there has to be a way to have a happy fulfilling life without kids. People do it. If I set my mind to that score, I think it's possible. Before my mother ranted at me about it, and my friend raised her concerns, I didn't doubt that a happy future was attainable.

On the other hand, who can say what I will want as my ovaries dry up.

Nemi wrote:

Did you read the thread at all? She addressed all these options.

Yes she said that it was an issue with him medically not her. So the "I shouldn't push my body to reproduce" doesn't makes sense because she doesn't know that she can't have kids. He is the one with problem not her. And if he doesn't want kids that is fine but they should really talk about it and make sure while they are still young enough that time is slipping away so both parties need to be absolutely sure either way.

And I stand by that a marriage would need to happen before anything with kids happened.

immateria wrote:
It is. If have biological children, I would want them to be conceived in a totally natural
(and, y'know, fun) way.

I understand that is something you want... but there's also a huge taboo on that. 1 in 5 couples has trouble to get pregnant the natural way, loads of couples need help with it. This whole idea that getting pregnant is something that is supposed to happen in a natural, problemfree way is... well, outdated. Just wanted to say that.

In regards to your situation, I think it is something you will have to decide for yourself. I know for me, I could never not have children. I would find a way to have them, no matter what it took. Every fibre of my being wants to be a mom someday (sounds really dramatic, lol). If I was a man who couldn't have them but would be open to other options, that would be fine. Being with a man who doesn't want kids is not even an option for me. It's just that big of an issue, for me. You need to decide how big of an issue it is, for you.

good luck

PS this is not meant as an insult to people who chose not to have children. I have no doubt lots of people are perfectly happy without them and live great, fulfilling lives. I am sure I could live a wonderful life myself without kids too... but there would always be a void. that's just me personally though.

immateria wrote:
He doesn't really want kids. I know that it's something he considered with his ex-wife several years ago, but considering that he has lived his whole adult life knowing he can't have them, I feel that can't really hold his disinclination against him.

If he could have kids, but didn't want them, there would be an issue. As it is...

I understand, thank you.

Lisa Andresen wrote:

Yes she said that it was an issue with him medically not her. So the "I shouldn't push my body to reproduce" doesn't makes sense because she doesn't know that she can't have kids. He is the one with problem not her. And if he doesn't want kids that is fine but they should really talk about it and make sure while they are still young enough that time is slipping away so both parties need to be absolutely sure either way.

And I stand by that a marriage would need to happen before anything with kids happened.

I have addressed both the artificial insemination and adoption issue.

immateria wrote:

I have addressed both the artificial insemination and adoption issue.

BUT A MARRIAGE

Damianne wrote:
If you want to have kids, and you want to have them naturally with the person you're with, that's a perfectly legitimate reason to "discriminate against biology".
If you want to stay with this guy, want kids, want them to be yours and the person you're with's children, don't want medical intervention, and he can't have children, I really can't help you because that's impossible.

OF course there's a way to have a fulfilling life without kids. They're not required, obviously.

But if you really want children, you only get one try at this life thing, I would not suggest cutting corners.
You can do it any way you want, and you're the only one who can tell if it's the best way for YOU.

Completely agree with all of this.

Anna Adrielle wrote:

I understand that is something you want... but there's also a huge taboo on that. 1 in 5 couples has trouble to get pregnant the natural way, loads of couples need help with it. This whole idea that getting pregnant is something that is supposed to happen in a natural, problemfree way is... well, outdated. Just wanted to say that.

In regards to your situation, I think it is something you will have to decide for yourself. I know for me, I could never not have children. I would find a way to have them, no matter what it took. Every fibre of my being wants to be a mom someday (sounds really dramatic, lol). If I was a man who couldn't have them but would be open to other options, that would be fine. Being with a man who doesn't want kids is not even an option for me. It's just that big of an issue, for me. You need to decide how big of an issue it is, for you.

good luck

PS this is not meant as an insult to people who chose not to have children. I have no doubt lots of people are perfectly happy without them and live great, fulfilling lives. I am sure I could live a wonderful life myself without kids too... but there would always be a void. that's just me personally though.

Yeah, I am very much like you. My though process took a pretty big hit when this relationship started. It was unexpected.


And I know my thinking is outmoded. I wouldn't advise it on anyone else. I just think that there are enough people in the world. If I can't get pregnant naturally, then adoption is something I would otherwise turn to.

However, I am 26 years old, and far from being in a place where I think I would be a viable adoption candidate even if it was something my partner wanted.

immateria wrote:

I have addressed both the artificial insemination and adoption issue.

Does that include artificial insemination of his sperm? Because that is a possibility in many cases and it would mean that the baby is 100 % his, genetically speaking. From a biological standpoint it's no different than a pregnancy through intercourse.

Damianne wrote:

BUT A MARRIAGE

Heh. Yeah. I tried to ignore that part.

It is implied that our relationship is headed in the marriage direction, but that's neither here nor there.

Though I'm sure it would be a factor if adoption did come up.

Russian Katarina wrote:

Does that include artificial insemination of his sperm? Because that is a possibility in many cases and it would mean that the baby is 100 % his, genetically speaking. From a biological standpoint it's no different than a pregnancy through intercourse.

There is no sperm.

immateria wrote:

Yeah, I am very much like you. My though process took a pretty big hit when this relationship started. It was unexpected.


And I know my thinking is outmoded. I wouldn't advise it on anyone else. I just think that there are enough people in the world. If I can't get pregnant naturally, then adoption is something I would otherwise turn to.

However, I am 26 years old, and far from being in a place where I think I would be a viable adoption candidate even if it was something my partner wanted.

I'm just saying what I'd do in my situation, because that's really all I can say, and hope maybe that helps you with yours. I want kids. If I can't have them naturally, I'd get help. if that doesn't work, I'd adopt. If that wasn't an option, for a reason I could really really not get past, I'd probably become a foster parent or something like that. I know it would be really difficult, but I would give it my all, to try and make a difference for a child (or a teenager, whatever), even if it was just one, even if it's small... But to give that "gift" to a child, that it is safe and loved, even if afterwards it would go on living his own life and I'd have to let go... that would be a fulfilling option for me, if none of the other options worked out.

I don't know about you...?

Anna Adrielle wrote:

I'm just saying what I'd do in my situation, because that's really all I can say, and hope maybe that helps you with yours. I want kids. If I can't have them naturally, I'd get help. if that doesn't work, I'd adopt. If that wasn't an option, for a reason I could really really not get past, I'd probably become a foster parent or something like that. I know it would be really difficult, but I would give it my all, to try and make a difference for a child (or a teenager, whatever), even if it was just one, even if it's small... But to give that "gift" to a child, that it is safe and loved, even if afterwards it would go on living his own life and I'd have to let go... that would be a fulfilling option for me, if none of the other options worked out.

I don't know about you...?

I don't know about me either at this point.

immateria wrote:

Heh. Yeah. I tried to ignore that part.

It is implied that our relationship is headed in the marriage direction, but that's neither here nor there.

Though I'm sure it would be a factor if adoption did come up.

The syntax and repetition amused me.
REGARDLESS

This is actually a pretty good relationship problem to have, contextually. Implies you get along really well otherwise. I'm sure however you figure it out, it'll be the right thing for the two of you and not a hasty angry decision like most other problems can end up being solved with.

Silver lining!

immateria wrote:

I don't know about me either at this point.

sucks

I know it's cliché... but you still have time. what do you feel is the age where you really have to say "okay, decision time"?

Damianne wrote:

The syntax and repetition amused me.
REGARDLESS

This is actually a pretty good relationship problem to have, contextually. Implies you get along really well otherwise. I'm sure however you figure it out, it'll be the right thing for the two of you and not a hasty angry decision like most other problems can end up being solved with.

Silver lining!

Haha. That's definitely true. My relationship isn't perfect, but it's a very happy, loving one. The kids things is one of the two main obstacles, and frankly, the other obstacle will surface first.

But I have a home with someone I am complete comfortable with for the first time in my life. I can see us building a future in many way, of us growing together.

Anna Adrielle wrote:

sucks

I know it's cliché... but you still have time. what do you feel is the age where you really have to say "okay, decision time"?

How much time, though? I know we're not living in the middle ages, and that my fertile years aren't over, but it's not like I can stave this through process off indefinitely.

Small Fruit Pits wrote:
If you change your mind to tailor it due to someone else.....you can about bet the farm you will regret it one day.

I'm less concerned about changing a mind than altering his genetic make-up.

S3R4PH1M  wrote:
Have you both discussed artificial insemination?

+1

Lumatic wrote:
That's a tough thing.  I guess the obvious thing to say is:  if you're enough in love with him at this point (and he with you) where you can see the two of you together in the long term, is he more important to you than having kids?

+1

immateria wrote:
But I have a home with someone I am complete comfortable with for the first time in my life. I can see us building a future in many way, of us growing together.

So why let other concerns possibly ruin that?