Samantha Emme wrote:
Edit: nevermind. Too personal and apparently not interesting.

NicoleNudes wrote:
Don't worry, you weren't the only one.

*hug*

Not true. I was paying attention. I send hugs and comfort to the both of you. I was sad to see you both delete. I was proud of you both for sharing. It takes guts and courage. More than I obviously had to share my experiences. I just had enough strength to raise my hand and say I belong here. I can understand why you would also want to take your experiences and words back, if you didnt have someone acknowledge or validate you when you guys shared such personal and powerful things. Nicole, it wasnt the first time I have read about your story, and Samantha, I read briefly into yours but was stuck on your avatar. I would really love to have the chance to fully read what you wrote about, weather it be here or in a pm.

I got lost in the thread and the beauty of people sharing their experiences gently. I found it interesting how people were sharing experiences here differently as compared to in the suicide and depression thread. This deals with how modeling has helped or may hinder with our issues. It puts a different spin on things.

I do know that for me I never owned a "real" pair of heels per se until I started this whole modeling bit. Real meaning 5 inches or so or anything sassy. I also never took time to do anything fancy with make up or cared to. It was mascara and done. Then photo shoots came and I started looking at other photos of these girls or "women". I was thinking.... woah, they look grown up er sumthin. I better start doing some stuff. I got myself some heels and bought some makeup and starting practicing things and all of a sudden at whatever age, 27? 28? I felt feminine!  I started to buy dresses and wear red and almost want to wear pink! It was so weird! I never wore any colors before. It was always black everything. I accepted olive green into my life but that was pretty much it and maybe brown. Now, red??????? Im over the red phase now, I was just being sassy then, but I was giving you guys an example of how modeling changed some things for me. I dont wear makeup often and I dont feel a need to be sassy, but when I started to take some photos, it made me realize that I did have it in me to BE that way if I chose to. I never really looked at myself in that way before. Thats a small contribution and thank you to this thread.

Camerosity wrote:
I suppose one way to prevent deletion is to quote and comment on things as they are posted. I'm just sayin'...

I can't say that I find this thread enjoyable - but I find it educational. For some time (since the 1970's) I've been aware that many models have depression and/or self-esteem issues. Generally my thought has been, "How can some of these beautiful and talented women have such issues?"

This thread helps to explain the how and the why. Hopefully it also has some therapeutic value for those who are forcing themselves to discuss these issues.

It's interesting that a field in which rejection in one form or another is the norm is helping so many to cope with and/or work through their issues.

Several months ago I was astonished when a very beautiful and highly-regarded European model (whom I won't name) began a thread on rejection.

I often participate in the "would you work with..." forum threads. One way her revelation affected me is that, since then, I have only responded in those cases where my response is positive. If for some reason I would not choose to work with a model, better to leave someone else the opportunity of saying yes.

of course thats a way to prevent deletion, hence why people often do quote things. However, someone like myself considers sensitivity of what is being tolld and would not want to repeat the story. It is for the person to share, and not for me to go on telling..... so I wouldnt necessarily keep on telling it, if that makes sense. Certain things I will post and not think twice about......... others........ i will allow that person their chance to take their story back. Not everyone thinks this way, but I want to keep the respect level out there. It all depends on who what when where and why.

-Nicole- wrote:

It's the reason I stopped shooting. I thought modeling would make me have a better vision of myself, but that backfired. I can't look at a picture without pointing out what I hate about myself.

Nicole- I suppose everyone is critical of themselves, however looking at your portfolio I can't find anything wrong. Just my $0.02...

Op- I find that every time I feel my depression get worse, I go shoot... Creating images, even sometimes very frustrating always makes me a happier person.

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

In any aspect...I feel I'm not a good enough sister, worker, friend, daughter, person...a good enough anything. I beat myself up in every sense.

Has someone said or implied that you're 'not good enough ' ?

STEPHANIE COMMERCIAL wrote:
I really enjoy modeling as a hobby, it's alot of fun to me.  I can be feeling sad and depressed but when I'm doing a photoshoot it makes me feel great.

Also, can someone tell me what SI stands for?

SI is self-injury (cutting, burning, hitting...any form of self-inflicted pain)

c_h_r_i_s wrote:

Has someone said or implied that you're 'not good enough ' ?

Yes

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
Yes

You will discover in time that these people or person are not so perfect and chinks start to show in their armor.
In many cases you'll find it's these very people/person are the ones with issues.

But what right do they have to demise another person.

NicoleNudes wrote:

Don't worry, you weren't the only one.

*hug*

I have been following this thread constantly through these past few days, because it is so amazing to have so many beautifully-hearted people step forward with their stories and have the courage to share their emotions and experiences, as difficult as they are, and there is so much inspiration here, I can't even begin to explain it.

I won't repeat details because that would be so incredibly disrespectful after you took them down... But I read both of your responses. I would have replied to them individually, if i hadn't been using my cellphone (which always takes ages and still manages to end up all garbled). But I heard your voices. And I read your stories. And you both are amazing.

Thank you for posting your experiences and words. Your strength and perseverance is inspiring, as are all of these stories. I wish I knew you guys in real life, so I could run up and give you the biggest hugs. Because you are so incredibly brave. Conquering shadows that still rear their ugly head, creating beauty in spite of the ugliness that the world can offer, still fighting and overcoming and creating and making the universe a more beautiful place to be in.

I wish there were better words than "Thank you," to express my gratitude for your courage, for being vulnerable and sharing such personal and difficult experiences. It is heart-breaking to see so many others go through the same things. But it is wonderful to feel Not Alone in all of this.

You guys are magnificent. Truly.

Lisa Praznak wrote:

Quick question for all you past SI'ers... how did you find modelling with your scars (and them not being the focus of the shoot)? I tend to feel very self conscious of my own whenever I'm shooting. In normal life I don't care about them at all and maybe even kind of like them, but when I'm shooting I get so "urghhhh" and worried their going to show up in pictures and the photographer will see or I won't be able to use a really good picture because they're visible. I honestly think this self-consciousness shows up in pictures as well. Just curious to see how everyone else feels about this, because it seems a lot of people really really embrace their scars, well, more so than I do my own

Most of my scars are pretty invisible. The ones all over my arms only seem to show up after I get out of a shower, and the ones on my thighs look like almost-invisible stretchmarks (just very straight). Because they are so silvery and I am so pale, I am the only one who notices them. Except for the scar above my heart, which is about two inches long and raised up. It is still silvery, but it is pretty gosh-darn-noticeable. And I've done dozens and dozens of shoots with it.

https://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/pic/27276807 - (+18) - Here is a shot where you can see it on the right side of my chest.

Sometimes photographers will ask about it, but they don't say anything mean or harsh. I don't even notice it anymore, which means that I am not self-conscious about it. I am primarily an art-nude model, and those shutterbugs enjoy bodies who aren't typical, who have something that sets them a little apart from the rest. At any rate, *I* am comfortable with my scars. They are a part of me, and I feel as if they are my badges of courage, my warwounds that show my strength in making it so far, a reminder of the shadows that I have overcome. I find beauty in that, and therefore, I find beauty in them.

Because I am not self-conscious or ashamed about them, the photographers don't mind. They are comfortable with them too. I state clearly on my profile that I have a very noticeable scar, so they are not surprised when they see it. I am comforted by the fact that if they DON'T like the scars, they can always photoshop it out. Very few people have done that.

Avonelle wrote:
Most of my scars are pretty invisible. The ones all over my arms only seem to show up after I get out of a shower, and the ones on my thighs look like almost-invisible stretchmarks (just very straight). Because they are so silvery and I am so pale, I am the only one who notices them. Except for the scar above my heart, which is about two inches long and raised up. It is still silvery, but it is pretty gosh-darn-noticeable. And I've done dozens and dozens of shoots with it.

https://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/pic/27276807 - ( 18) - Here is a shot where you can see it on the right side of my chest.

Sometimes photographers will ask about it, but they don't say anything mean or harsh. I don't even notice it anymore, which means that I am not self-conscious about it. I am primarily an art-nude llama, and those shutterbugs enjoy bodies who aren't typical, who have something that sets them a little apart from the rest. At any rate, *I* am comfortable with my scars. They are a part of me, and I feel as if they are my badges of courage, my warwounds that show my strength in making it so far, a reminder of the shadows that I have overcome. I find beauty in that, and therefore, I find beauty in them.

Because I am not self-conscious or ashamed about them, the photographers don't mind. They are comfortable with them too. I state clearly on my profile that I have a very noticeable scar, so they are not surprised when they see it. I am comforted by the fact that if they DON'T like the scars, they can always photoshop it out. Very few people have done that.

I really wouldn't like to have my scars shopped out, I have tonnes of scars on my hands and fingers, I have plenty on my legs too. I do have some lovely little beauts on my stomach from where I have my appendix taken out, I am proud of my scars, they are part of me and tell a story. Somepeople say that they are hideous but I find them captivating. Each little mark tells a story, be it an accident, a medical story or some form of pain. I SI'd when my best friend committed suicide in 2010. I think I get my confidence from my partner. I've never met anyone so supportive, he used to SI when he was younger because of alot of physical and emotional abuse and onething that I still find amazingly beautiful is tracing my fingers along his scars. He's told me the story of every single one of them and as hard as it is to hear them I still find it beautiful. I don't know maybe I am just fu***d up or something but there's something about it.


*Edit- Also shocked (in a good way) at the private messages in response to posting here! You are all beautiful people!

Lisa Praznak wrote:

Quick question for all you past SI'ers... how did you find modelling with your scars (and them not being the focus of the shoot)? I tend to feel very self conscious of my own whenever I'm shooting. In normal life I don't care about them at all and maybe even kind of like them, but when I'm shooting I get so "urghhhh" and worried their going to show up in pictures and the photographer will see or I won't be able to use a really good picture because they're visible. I honestly think this self-consciousness shows up in pictures as well. Just curious to see how everyone else feels about this, because it seems a lot of people really really embrace their scars, well, more so than I do my own

I personally have tattoos now that cover most of my scars.  It's why my left arm is more covered than my right.  When my last relationship ended the first time (yeah, I was stupid to take him back 6 months later), I felt like cutting again.  Not so much because I feel that I need a man in my life, but because of the fact that he left me for a girl who was younger and made more money than I do...and I had also found out a few weeks after the break up that I was pregnant.  I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy and sank into a deep depression and that made me want to go back to cutting again...cutting made me feel physical pain to distract me from the emotional and mental hell I was going through.  So instead, I got my chest piece tattoo.  It's a mask, but not just any mask.  It's a Brian Froud art piece titled, "The Mask of Truth", as that is something I very much needed in my life.  The pain from the tattoo needles took away the pain I was feeling emotionally, even though it was momentary.  With each sitting for the tattoo, I began to feel better and better as the piece was coming to life and was becoming something beautiful...something else my mind could focus on rather than the bad.  Now, it's very rare that I feel the need for SI.  Haven't felt the need for it since 2008.  No, I don't get tattooed because I feel like cutting again.  But I get tattooed whenever I become inspired.  What started out as an outlet to release pain has now changed into an inspirational artistic outlet.

Sweet Surrender wrote:
I personally have tattoos now that cover most of my scars.  It's why my left arm is more covered than my right.  When my last relationship ended the first time (yeah, I was stupid to take him back 6 months later), I felt like cutting again.  Not so much because I feel that I need a man in my life, but because of the fact that he left me for a girl who was younger and made more money than I do...and I had also found out a few weeks after the break up that I was pregnant.  I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy and sank into a deep depression and that made me want to go back to cutting again...cutting made me feel physical pain to distract me from the emotional and mental hell I was going through.  So instead, I got my chest piece tattoo.  It's a mask, but not just any mask.  It's a Brian Froud art piece titled, "The Mask of Truth", as that is something I very much needed in my life.  The pain from the tattoo needles took away the pain I was feeling emotionally, even though it was momentary.  With each sitting for the tattoo, I began to feel better and better as the piece was coming to life and was becoming something beautiful...something else my mind could focus on rather than the bad.  Now, it's very rare that I feel the need for SI.  Haven't felt the need for it since 2008.  No, I don't get tattooed because I feel like cutting again.  But I get tattooed whenever I become inspired.  What started out as an outlet to release pain has now changed into an inspirational artistic outlet.

Jade Honey wrote:

I really wouldn't like to have my scars shopped out, I have tonnes of scars on my hands and fingers, I have plenty on my legs too. I do have some lovely little beauts on my stomach from where I have my appendix taken out, I am proud of my scars, they are part of me and tell a story. Somepeople say that they are hideous but I find them captivating. Each little mark tells a story, be it an accident, a medical story or some form of pain. I SI'd when my best friend committed suicide in 2010. I think I get my confidence from my partner. I've never met anyone so supportive, he used to SI when he was younger because of alot of physical and emotional abuse and onething that I still find amazingly beautiful is tracing my fingers along his scars. He's told me the story of every single one of them and as hard as it is to hear them I still find it beautiful. I don't know maybe I am just fu***d up or something but there's something about it.


*Edit- Also shocked (in a good way) at the private messages in response to posting here! You are all beautiful people!

Avonelle: the photo in the link you posted is absolutely beautiful

Jade: You're not f*cked up, I find that sort of thing very amazing as well, i think it's got something to do with me going through something similar i can appreciate how much strength and everything comes with it all.

After reading all these responses I'm honestly pretty surprised at how accepting everyone is and everyone's stories about how accepting other people are! I think I've got to stop worrying so much about being judged and just roll with it all and enjoy myself haha

Sweet Surrender wrote:

I personally have tattoos now that cover most of my scars.  It's why my left arm is more covered than my right.  When my last relationship ended the first time (yeah, I was stupid to take him back 6 months later), I felt like cutting again.  Not so much because I feel that I need a man in my life, but because of the fact that he left me for a girl who was younger and made more money than I do...and I had also found out a few weeks after the break up that I was pregnant.  I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy and sank into a deep depression and that made me want to go back to cutting again...cutting made me feel physical pain to distract me from the emotional and mental hell I was going through.  So instead, I got my chest piece tattoo.  It's a mask, but not just any mask.  It's a Brian Froud art piece titled, "The Mask of Truth", as that is something I very much needed in my life.  The pain from the tattoo needles took away the pain I was feeling emotionally, even though it was momentary.  With each sitting for the tattoo, I began to feel better and better as the piece was coming to life and was becoming something beautiful...something else my mind could focus on rather than the bad.  Now, it's very rare that I feel the need for SI.  Haven't felt the need for it since 2008.  No, I don't get tattooed because I feel like cutting again.  But I get tattooed whenever I become inspired.  What started out as an outlet to release pain has now changed into an inspirational artistic outlet.

x2

NYMPH wrote:
Tangential question: Has anyone ever explored their depression in their modeling?

I thought about it but decided against it. The problem for me was that the actual experience of being suicidal is something that cannot be understood by anyone who hasn't been there, and I doubted my ability to produce a photograph to convey that understanding. I felt that doing a bad job of portraying the situation would have been worse than not trying to present it at all. In fact, I made it a rule for a long time to avoid photographing anything with a psychological aspect to it. I broke that rule when I took the self-portrait in my profile (in the Elephant People folder) and then tried to do a shoot with a woman who had been abused earlier in her life. I found that I couldn't stomach the idea of completing the photos with her, so nothing amounted from it.

I've largely beaten my depression by refusing to allow my mind to start walking down the path of negativity. Taking photographs that portray that path would, perforce, take me there again.

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I have found modeling to be very helpful in lightening my depression. I have had a massive boost in self-esteem and have been given a reason not to SI. Any other models have similar stories? How has depression affected your modeling?

So many factors involved with depression, but I tried my hand at modeling as an expression of self joy and confidence and when I discovered very few in my area wanted to work with me, then I think I was headed in that direction, but put the brakes on.  You know, I discovered one has to maintain a sense of what is important, what is relevant and what is in one's control; I learned to keep modeling in its place as a form of artistic/self expression and for a few to make a living, but not allow it to be a source of self-affirmation.  I look to my faith, my family and friends and love for myself for that.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
I thought about it but decided against it. The problem for me was that the actual experience of being suicidal is something that cannot be understood by anyone who hasn't been there, and I doubted my ability to produce a photograph to convey that understanding. I felt that doing a bad job of portraying the situation would have been worse than not trying to present it at all. In fact, I made it a rule for a long time to avoid photographing anything with a psychological aspect to it. I broke that rule when I took the self-portrait in my profile (in the Elephant People folder) and then tried to do a shoot with a woman who had been abused earlier in her life. I found that I couldn't stomach the idea of completing the photos with her, so nothing amounted from it.

I've largely beaten my depression by refusing to allow my mind to start walking down the path of negativity. Taking photographs that portray that path would, perforce, take me there again.

This is how you deal. To me personally, its strange. I get the image of a turtle hiding in its shell. There is a whole world out there filled with reality where this stuff is very real and goes on. This may sound harsh and thats ok. If you are feeling better, thats wonderful. But sweeping it under the rug and not addressing the issues that are very real and present IMO limits daily life. Im not saying sit and dwell, because getting stuck or ruminating isnt at all healthy, I have been there. But being able to look things in the eye is a healthier way to cope.

I am far from a wonderful model of a human being. I try my best and fail and then try again. You have to in order to learn. Experiences shape us. The more we have the more knowledge we gain. A lot of the time, sadly, with pain, comes wisdom, if you choose to use those experiences as learning blocks. Each and every individual has their own story. I still struggle with the idea of things having purpose in our lives. If things are "meant" to be. Our decisions in life, the people we interact with...... etc.

I guess my point is that I am sorry that you feel so uncomfy about your past that you dont dare address it or confront it. Thats what makes the world go round though. I am glad you made that one image in your "elephant" folder. Im not sure how disturbing it was or not to you, but I hope it brought relief. People who go through these things struggle daily and often. Since you felt so uncomfy with and in it, you would know that others feel the same, and I would hope that if someone you know was feeling that way......... you could support them, and not turn them down......... perhaps be strong for them and offer support, as maybe someone was not able to do for you when you needed it. Its about giving back. For me at least. There are many times when I needed and still need people and they just arent here.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
This is how you deal. To me personally, its strange. I get the image of a turtle hiding in its shell. There is a whole world out there filled with reality where this stuff is very real and goes on. This may sound harsh and thats ok. If you are feeling better, thats wonderful. But sweeping it under the rug and not addressing the issues that are very real and present IMO limits daily life. Im not saying sit and dwell, because getting stuck or ruminating isnt at all healthy, I have been there. But being able to look things in the eye is a healthier way to cope.

I am far from a wonderful model of a human being. I try my best and fail and then try again. You have to in order to learn. Experiences shape us. The more we have the more knowledge we gain. A lot of the time, sadly, with pain, comes wisdom, if you choose to use those experiences as learning blocks. Each and every individual has their own story. I still struggle with the idea of things having purpose in our lives. If things are "meant" to be. Our decisions in life, the people we interact with...... etc.

I guess my point is that I am sorry that you feel so uncomfy about your past that you dont dare address it or confront it. Thats what makes the world go round though. I am glad you made that one image in your "elephant" folder. Im not sure how disturbing it was or not to you, but I hope it brought relief. People who go through these things struggle daily and often. Since you felt so uncomfy with and in it, you would know that others feel the same, and I would hope that if someone you know was feeling that way......... you could support them, and not turn them down......... perhaps be strong for them and offer support, as maybe someone was not able to do for you when you needed it. Its about giving back. For me at least. There are many times when I needed and still need people and they just arent here.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with the subject - it's that I don't think I can do the subject justice in a photograph, and I care enough about the subject that I don't want to portray it badly. And in case I was unclear, the woman who posed for me did so at my request and knew that I wasn't sure that I wanted to try the project. I don't think she'd say that I let her down.

As for being supportive of others in the same situation, I would love to be. I was a regular participant in the Suicide and Violence Help Thread for several years. I found that the things that worked for me didn't seem to generalize to others. I've come so far in the last four years that I've forgotten a lot of the feelings I had back in 2008, to such an extent that I'm not convinced I can still relate to people suffering from depression. I have come to doubt that I would do more good than harm by participating in those discussions. Looking in that thread now, and seeing the current crisis there, reinforces these doubts. I look at the person posting her distress, and I feel powerless to help her - and afraid to try lest I learn that she took her own life despite (or because) of my efforts.

I confronted depression very thoroughly from 2008-2011 (and less thoroughly from 2001-2008). I didn't do it through photography, because I wasn't confronting it for anyone else - I was confronting it for myself, because that's what I needed to do to get myself healthy. Now that I've confronted it and won it seems reckless to try to relive it, which I would have to do if I wanted to portray it accurately in photographs. Depression and anxiety feed on themselves. My strategy for dealing with them is to deny them the food they need. Some would call that avoidance, and to an extent I agree. However, it's conscious rather than subconscious avoidance, which I consider to be a vital difference.

I have a long ways to go as far as my social life is concerned, but I consider that a separate topic. Your comment regarding turtles is spot-on. I have long referred to many of my behaviours as "turtling." However, those issues are far less significant than the basic requirement of survival. My priority from 2008-2011 was to bring myself to a mental state where suicide was no longer a significant threat. I have achieved that. Now my goal is to re-establish my professional career. In the process I would like to make strides in my social life, but that's a lower priority. I'm also working on weaning myself off my meds. I was able to cut my dosages in half over the spring and summer, and I'm waiting for winter to pass before I continue the process because SAD is a real threat right now (though this winter is the best I've had in half a decade at least).

Interestingly, photography was my social outlet for two years. It was a big part of my recovery (wow, suddenly I'm on-topic! ). However, I began to question the work I was producing. While I love nudes, I started to feel that my work was empty. That's why I started thinking about the Elephant People project. The project was intended to be a series of photos of people who were, in some way or other, "ostracized" by society. The Elephant Man was the inspiration, but I wanted to focus on mental issues. There has long been a stigma attached to mental health problems, and I wanted to address that. The problem was, as I said, producing a photograph that did justice to the subject. As I embarked on the project I found that to make it work I would have to immerse myself in feelings that I had deliberately chosen to avoid precisely because they were dangerous to me. I drifted away from the project, and from photography in general, after that.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Interestingly, photography was my social outlet for two years. It was a big part of my recovery (wow, suddenly I'm on-topic! ). However, I began to question the work I was producing. While I love nudes, I started to feel that my work was empty. That's why I started thinking about the Elephant People project. The project was intended to be a series of photos of people who were, in some way or other, "ostracized" by society. The Elephant Man was the inspiration, but I wanted to focus on mental issues. There has long been a stigma attached the mental health problems, and I wanted to address that. The problem was, as I said, producing a photograph that did justice to the subject. As I embarked on the project I found that to make it work I would have to immerse myself in feelings that I had deliberately chosen to avoid precisely because they were dangerous to me. I drifted away from the project, and from photography in general, after that.

congratulations on joining the thread. That photo you made, I remember. I enjoyed it, and I am not going to go look at it right this second to go look at the feedback, but once it was taken and out there, it must have made you feel a certain way. You say you stopped creating even after that. Im sorry to hear this. So many people feel this way, "ostracized" as you say, often. Its something they, we, face at certain points in our lives and creativity helps people cope and deal and work on and through it. Your idea for the series sounds wonderful and I hope that eventually you can complete it.
Your feelings in regards to that photo, and the process of creating and posting it, this is something you do not have to address here, but for yourself and perhaps in other places. You and I know each other not well, but have our ups and downs. There is a stigma attached to mental issues and likely will be for some time. It has gotten better, but not by much. Just decades ago people with mental illness were placed in asylums and disowned and treated like animals. Now, SOME people have learned that a person is still a person. An illness is an illness. It's painful and difficult to deal with illnesses of any kind. If you love someone. You buckle up and hang on. You can learn a lot from others. Out of pain can come some powerful beauty. You just have to hang on. I hope this makes sense. Its way easier said than done a lot of the time.

Kaia Murphy wrote:
My depression obliterates my modeling. When I find myself submerged in a depressive state, the last thing I want to do is model. In fact, I'd prefer not to be seen by anyone. And it's not just modeling, it's everything. Depression disarms me completely, and it feels as if I'm being held hostage - a prisoner of my own mind. Then the suicidal thoughts come in, and I feel immobilized, petrified, and completely isolated. I won't leave my house, pick up my phone, check messages, etc. Everything stops.

And since I'm on the topic of "self-destructive thoughts/behavior," let's throw the eating disorder in there. I was diagnosed with anorexia (restrictive type) a little over four years ago - didn't even know I had it! No kidding. I thought I was just dieting and exercising...and kind of a lot. But I didn't see how bad I had become from it. I had no idea, and I never will. Body dysmorphia had settled in for the ride. If it hadn't been for some very severe intervention (including cardiac care), I would have died from starvation.

I find myself modeling often against all odds. I actively work at my eating-disordered thoughts, depression, and suicidal ideation each day. I have to be vigilant about handling my triggers, and I'm currently working on reaching out to others when I'm struggling. I tend to not want to burden others with my stuff.

Some days are good; Most days are not so good. But that doesn't mean I give up.

(hug)

Kaia Murphy wrote:
My depression obliterates my modeling. When I find myself submerged in a depressive state, the last thing I want to do is model. In fact, I'd prefer not to be seen by anyone. And it's not just modeling, it's everything. Depression disarms me completely, and it feels as if I'm being held hostage - a prisoner of my own mind. Then the suicidal thoughts come in, and I feel immobilized, petrified, and completely isolated. I won't leave my house, pick up my phone, check messages, etc. Everything stops.

And since I'm on the topic of "self-destructive thoughts/behavior," let's throw the eating disorder in there. I was diagnosed with anorexia (restrictive type) a little over four years ago - didn't even know I had it! No kidding. I thought I was just dieting and exercising...and kind of a lot. But I didn't see how bad I had become from it. I had no idea, and I never will. Body dysmorphia had settled in for the ride. If it hadn't been for some very severe intervention (including cardiac care), I would have died from starvation.

I find myself modeling often against all odds. I actively work at my eating-disordered thoughts, depression, and suicidal ideation each day. I have to be vigilant about handling my triggers, and I'm currently working on reaching out to others when I'm struggling. I tend to not want to burden others with my stuff.

Some days are good; Most days are not so good. But that doesn't mean I give up.

Glad you're a fighter, I enjoy seeing you around.

Sorry I am not a cute model to offer you hugs as well. 

William Cox wrote:
A big hug to all of you who struggle.You and I have a pending book deal thanks to you who were willing and brave enough to share your stories. Out of the shadows, out of the shame...you are all beautiful. Who among us hasn't struggled?

Saw your "I am a cutter" series and I wish I lived closer, I would love to be a part of it

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
Saw your "I am a cutter" series and I wish I lived closer, I would love to be a part of it

The good news is that you are a part of it. Every time that you go out in public unashamed, You choose to help the world understand. Your scars are like your tree rings to show the storms that you have weathered and the battles that you have survived. People cope in all different ways...drugs, alcohol, violence. In the end, it is the long run that matters. Choose happiness and be yourself...after all everyone else  is already taken.

William Cox wrote:
The good news is that you are a part of it. Every time that you go out in public unashamed, You choose to help the world understand. Your scars are like your tree rings to show the storms that you have weathered and the battles that you have survived. People cope in all different ways...drugs, alcohol, violence. In the end, it is the long run that matters. Choose happiness and be yourself...after all everyone else  is already taken.

hi again

William Cox wrote:
Hello Gabrielle,
I don't get on that often, but I see that you are still your beautiful self.

you just made me smile big. Thank you.

Caustic Disco wrote:
wtf does SI mean? i googled it and it said it stands for International System of Units. wth lol

edit: k i read more and now i think it means self-injure. that sucks! yikes

self injury, took me a while too and yeah.......... ive got scars

Caustic Disco wrote:
wtf does SI mean? i googled it and it said it stands for International System of Units. wth lol

edit: k i read more and now i think it means self-injure. that sucks! yikes

Yes self-injury, anything done with the intention of pain to yourself