login info join!
Forums > Off-Topic Discussion > Distancing your self from family members. Search   Reply
Model
Bella la Bell
Posts: 4,451
Kansas City, Missouri, US


Deleted because fuck the world. I am in a pissy mood tonight.
Feb 06 13 08:41 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Lohkee
Posts: 12,105
Maricopa, Arizona, US


Sorry to hear that. FWIW, I haven't spoken to my mom in 35 years.
Feb 06 13 09:05 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Bella la Bell
Posts: 4,451
Kansas City, Missouri, US


Lohkee wrote:
Sorry to hear that. FWIW, I haven't spoken to my mom in 35 years.

I feel like fire when I talk about her. Thank you for reading my post before I got all pissy and deleted it. I am just having a hard time with things right now.

Feb 06 13 09:10 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
UnoMundo
Posts: 47,528
Olympia, Washington, US


I did it for mental tranquility; never regretted it.
Feb 06 13 09:11 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Connor Photography
Posts: 6,426
Elkton, Maryland, US


Why don't you just follow your heart, do what you need to do.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Taking care the thing that you care about.  Don't punish the rest. 

As for your mother, just remember:

1.  drug addicts have not control of themselves
2.  Blood is thicker than water       
3.  Parents are programmed to love their kids.  It is in their genes. Do you know how painful it is when they are not able to do that.
4.  Time will heal everything, be patient.
5.  Focus on the things you have the control.  Ignore those you can't control

I am so sorry about your situation.  But I know in the end you will come out ahead.  Good luck.
Feb 06 13 09:13 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Bella la Bell
Posts: 4,451
Kansas City, Missouri, US


UnoMundo wrote:
I did it for mental tranquility; never regretted it.

That is my entire reason I did distance myself.

Feb 06 13 09:14 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Bella la Bell
Posts: 4,451
Kansas City, Missouri, US


Connor Photography wrote:
Why don't you just follow your heart, do what you need to do.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Taking care the thing that you care about.  Don't punish the rest. 

As for your mother, just remember:

1.  drug addicts have not control of themselves
2.  Blood is thicker than water       
3.  Parents are programmed to love their kids.  It is in their genes. Do you know how painful it is when they are not able to do that.
4.  Time will heal everything, be patient.
5.  Focus on the things you have the control.  Ignore those you can't control

I am so sorry about your situation.  But I know in the end you will come out ahead.  Good luck.

Thank you.
It is really hard some days and others I forget I even have a biological mother.

Feb 06 13 09:16 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Lohkee
Posts: 12,105
Maricopa, Arizona, US


Bella la Bell wrote:

I feel like fire when I talk about her. Thank you for reading my post before I got all pissy and deleted it. I am just having a hard time with things right now.

Actually, I never saw your post. It was already deleted upon my arrival. I just decided to share. I'm really not one for country music, but when dealing with "difficult" family I think an old Kenny Rogers song might offer some good advice -

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Feb 06 13 09:17 pm  Link  Quote 
guide forum
Model
Koryn
Posts: 36,102
Boston, Massachusetts, US


I didn't get to read your post, I've never had an emotional relationship with my mother either.

When I was 18, she actually told me that she wished she'd never had me, but I think I knew that when I was little also, because she would show me her giant C-section scar and sort of indirectly tell me it was my fault for ruining the skin on her belly. She said a lot of fucked up things to me when I was growing up, stuff I didn't realize was fucked up until a lot later.

I still love her, and we talk on the phone. I see my parents for a few days, once every year, but I haven't had a "relationship" with them since I finished high school and moved out.

Sometimes, you just do what you need to do, and you have to take care of yourself. That's the way life is. It hurts, but it is what it is.
Feb 06 13 09:23 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Connor Photography
Posts: 6,426
Elkton, Maryland, US


Connor Photography wrote:
Why don't you just follow your heart, do what you need to do.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Taking care the thing that you care about.  Don't punish the rest. 

As for your mother, just remember:

1.  drug addicts have not control of themselves
2.  Blood is thicker than water       
3.  Parents are programmed to love their kids.  It is in their genes. Do you know how painful it is when they are not able to do that.
4.  Time will heal everything, be patient.
5.  Focus on the things you have the control.  Ignore those you can't control

I am so sorry about your situation.  But I know in the end you will come out ahead.  Good luck.
Bella la Bell wrote:
Thank you.
It is really hard some days and others I forget I even have a biological mother.

Rise above it all.  Remove yourself away emotionally.  Think of it just an academic exercise that you have to deal with.  I trust that it will be fine.  You will be wiser and be able to handle bigger problems in life.  Stay focus to what is important.  smile

Feb 06 13 09:27 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Connor Photography
Posts: 6,426
Elkton, Maryland, US


Bella la Bell wrote:
Deleted because fuck the world. I am in a pissy mood tonight.

Hahah.... fuck the world is the first step, but never fuck yourself though.  Regardless, there are plenty others in this world DO care about you. Telling others that you are not OK is a GOOD second step.  The third step is easy.  Got it.  smile

Feb 06 13 09:47 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
modeled
Posts: 9,334
San Diego, California, US


Hope everything works out.  Don't let anyone bring you down, ever.  The power to have a good attitude or a shitty attitude is up to you.  Some mothers have more psychic power over their children than others, a lot of it has to do with how they were raised, etc.  If your mother is toxic to be around, perhaps write her a letter, get your feelings down on paper, then give the relationship space.   I think friends can be as close as family, it's rare but it certainly happens.  Hope you have some great friends.
Feb 07 13 11:33 am  Link  Quote 
Model
Lily Darling
Posts: 1,299
Lansing, Michigan, US


I don't talk to my parents. My mother, was an alcoholic loser who just tried to use me and things with my father and myself are complicated. With previous trauma I have gone through my father deems it necessary to act as if I will never be good enough for him. While others who have been in my spot have been a lot worse off than I am. I choose not to talk to my parents for my own sanity. I have to do right by me and they were just holding me back due to their own selfish needs.
Feb 07 13 11:37 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Caradoc
Posts: 19,564
Scottsdale, Arizona, US


Connor Photography wrote:
Hahah.... fuck the world is the first step, but never fuck yourself though.

There are way too many meanings for "fuck."

I believe it was John Waters who said something to the effect of "If you don't want to fuck yourself, what makes you think anyone else wants to?"

wink

Feb 07 13 12:29 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Nemi
Posts: 27,411
Jamaica, New York, US


Connor Photography wrote:
Why don't you just follow your heart, do what you need to do.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Taking care the thing that you care about.  Don't punish the rest. 

As for your mother, just remember:

1.  drug addicts have not control of themselves
2.  Blood is thicker than water       
3.  Parents are programmed to love their kids.  It is in their genes. Do you know how painful it is when they are not able to do that.
4.  Time will heal everything, be patient.
5.  Focus on the things you have the control.  Ignore those you can't control

I am so sorry about your situation.  But I know in the end you will come out ahead.  Good luck.

SO much of your list is just wrong wrong wrong.

Feb 07 13 12:44 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Connor Photography
Posts: 6,426
Elkton, Maryland, US


Nemi wrote:
SO much of your list is just wrong wrong wrong.

you are only 27 yo, have not finished your training, or reached your potentials.  Prove it, if you think I am wrong.   tongue

Feb 07 13 01:00 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Nemi
Posts: 27,411
Jamaica, New York, US


Connor Photography wrote:
you are only 27 yo, have not finished your training, or reached your potentials.  Prove it, if you think I am wrong.   tongue

If you weren't such a backwards poster, who has not a reasonable bone in their body, I would.

Alas, it doesn't matter if I'm 27 or 57, childhood is over and I get to make formulated opinions on parents.

Feb 08 13 02:20 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Lohkee
Posts: 12,105
Maricopa, Arizona, US


Connor Photography wrote:
you are only 27 yo, have not finished your training, or reached your potentials.  Prove it, if you think I am wrong.   tongue

I'm an old dude who has been around a long time and seen a lot of shit, and I agree with Nemi 100%

Feb 08 13 02:41 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
NicoleNudes
Posts: 3,796
Toronto, Ontario, Canada


Didn't get to read your post, but I think I can relate. I don't talk to my biological father anymore.
Feb 08 13 02:43 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
-Nicole-
Posts: 19,183
Madison, Wisconsin, US


I had a big blow up with my mom about 2 weeks ago. I haven't talked to her since. Sometimes, you just need that space.

I do plan on calling her this weekend to talk things out. I don't want our relationship to become what hers was with her mom.
Feb 08 13 02:48 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
KelliOnLineGlamourNude
Posts: 2,900
Barrie, Ontario, Canada


I live too close to my sister. She's a 6 hour drive away.
Feb 08 13 04:30 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Kaley King
Posts: 1,027
Jefferson City, Missouri, US


It's kind of hard for me to comment, because IDK your personal situation, but a story of my own...

My mom had some problems when I was growing up and it made it hard on me and my brother.  When I was 17 I said some really mean things to her...maybe it was the truth, but it was mean.  A few days later I got a call from the hospital saying she'd had a stroke.  By the time I got to the hospital she was completely comatose. 

I always figured we'd make up, but I never got that chance. 

She died...and I never got to tell her goodbye...I wish so much I could change that.  I wish the last thing I told her would have been I love you despite your flaws. 

Now I don't talk to my dad for even better reasons, and I could care less if he dropped dead tomorrow.  The point is...sometimes people distance themselves for really good reasons, and sometimes when you look back...they aren't.  Before you distance yourself...ask yourself if it's REALLY worth it.

No one is promised tomorrow...NO ONE.
Feb 08 13 04:37 pm  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Raoul Isidro Images
Posts: 6,056
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia


Distancing from family members.

There were these brothers who hated one of their siblings to the point of distancing him down a deep well and leaving him for dead.

Feeling guilty, they sold him as a slave instead.

Well this dude became a Prime Minister next to the King!

And all brothers eventually knelt down before him in awe.

Joseph was his name.

No matter how far the distance, it'll come back to you.

.
Feb 08 13 06:15 pm  Link  Quote 
Model
Ararity
Posts: 4,347
New York, New York, US


Society tells you that looking after yourself in one way or another is selfish, well society can go....

Point is, safeguard your mental health (your sanity, your peace of mind) in whatever ways necessary, however hard that may be, and happiness (and appreciation for the "small things" like these we taking for granted) is bound to occur in time.



We were born into our family....we, just like they, had no choice in the matter, and as you may or may not have seen (didn't see your prior post), for some, blood does NOT run thicker than water so to speak, and those who are supposed to treat us better than anyone else in the world (family), sometimes treat us worse. So for (society) to say, oh, gotta forgive them sometime! Blood is thicker than water! They don't realize the magnitude of familial damage, because they can't fathom a mother, for example, not loving a child, or harming her/him in any way Just because they grew up in an ideal home not everyone else did.

And even when the damage is innumerable and enormous, some people, for whatever cruel reason (religion?) guilt trip people into maintaining that poisoning familial relationship because "it's the right thing to do." Well maybe the right thing to do was not abuse and torment the poor child for X amount of time! What defines the right thing to do? I define the right thing to do as keeping yourself SAFE, SANE, and happy! Let others determine their OWN happiness (IE, have it not dependent upon you).

Hope this makes sense.

Also, Bella, I want to validate your feelings right now. It's okay to feel hurt or upset with someone that hurt you, even if they are related. Write about it if you need to. Books, poems...anything. And to be clear I'm not advocating NOT EVER speaking with mom again--what I AM advocating is to take a break (if needbe!) and then do what is best for you, and if you never feel a good reason to reunite or don't want to or don't know how, fine. Your prerogative. But if you do, fine, your prerogative.  Basically, don't let anyone guilt trip you into doing something you never may be able to do, particularly if it invites more pain and problems into your life. You'll know what's best. smile

Good luck and PM me if you want/need to talk.
Feb 09 13 02:44 am  Link  Quote 
Model
Ararity
Posts: 4,347
New York, New York, US


Nemi wrote:

If you weren't such a backwards poster, who has not a reasonable bone in their body, I would.

Alas, it doesn't matter if I'm 27 or 57, childhood is over and I get to make formulated opinions on parents.

Furthermore, none of us have any idea what Nemi or I or anyone else has experienced in their ___-some years of life, (and would probably be shocked to know how much life experience we do or don't have for our age!)

Wisdom comes with EXPERIENCE and learning, not from age. Just so happens that longer lives lend themselves to more varied life experiences (usually).

This is why I don't mention my age ever when counseling people. Because they wouldn't take the bits of wisdom I have seriously. But they haven't a clue what these years have brought me, good and bad.

Feb 09 13 02:50 am  Link  Quote 
Artist/Painter
Two Pears Studio
Posts: 3,318
Wilmington, Delaware, US


For me... I went on a quest to quiet my demons. I forgave myself and learned something...

This is a super simplistic version... but I gave up on my parents being anything but who they are... I gave up on them changing. By giving them that I was able to accept them for who they are and who they are not. It was about me.

Then if they got nutty... it was about them... not me.
Feb 09 13 04:54 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
GCobb Photography
Posts: 15,890
Southaven, Mississippi, US


Connor Photography wrote:
Why don't you just follow your heart, do what you need to do.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  Taking care the thing that you care about.  Don't punish the rest. 

As for your mother, just remember:

1.  drug addicts have not control of themselves
2.  Blood is thicker than water       
3.  Parents are programmed to love their kids.  It is in their genes. Do you know how painful it is when they are not able to do that.
4.  Time will heal everything, be patient.
5.  Focus on the things you have the control.  Ignore those you can't control

I am so sorry about your situation.  But I know in the end you will come out ahead.  Good luck.
Nemi wrote:
SO much of your list is just wrong wrong wrong.

I wouldn't say it's wrong.  I'd say some of it may not apply to everyone, especially if they don't open their minds.  Blood IS thicker than water.  That's one reason I couldn't ever see myself pushing my own parents away.  I haven't been in the same situations either though.  If I went years without speaking to my parents I'd never forgive myself.

If they EVER meant anything to you, work things out and get on the same page.  You don't have to agree with everything, forgive everything and kiss and make up.  But one day they'll be gone and you will wish you had said or done something you hadn't.  This also applies to your friends.

Feb 09 13 05:14 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
GCobb Photography
Posts: 15,890
Southaven, Mississippi, US


Two Pears Studio wrote:
For me... I went on a quest to quiet my demons. I forgave myself and learned something...

This is a super simplistic version... but I gave up on my parents being anything but who they are... I gave up on them changing. By giving them that I was able to accept them for who they are and who they are not. It was about me.

This is logical and very open-minded.  smile

I know a young girl whose mom was on drugs pretty bad and was locked up for something similar to child abuse.  But it's years later and she has tried to at least maintain some type of contact.  That's what families do.

Feb 09 13 05:16 am  Link  Quote 
Photographer
Jay2G Photography
Posts: 2,196
Milford, Michigan, US


Moving my family from Michigan to Indy and a lot of the reason is to get them away from most of my wifes family.  I could care less if I NEVER talk to my brother in law or sister in law as long as I live. She is a snotty bitch and he is the biggest douche bag asshole prick that ever walked the face of the earth. Just a real piece of shit.  I've done favor after favor after favor for them for 15 years and the one time I need something they treat us like we are low life trash and turn their back on us. Fuck em, life is better without them.

  If it was drug related I could be more understanding and forgiving. But they are just assholes. I hope you work out whatever is going on. Especially if it's your mom.
Feb 09 13 07:54 am  Link  Quote 
  Search   Reply



main | browse | casting/travel | forums | shout box | help | advertising | contests | share | join the mayhem

more modelmayhem on: | | | edu

©2006-2014 ModelMayhem.com. All Rights Reserved.
MODEL MAYHEM is a registered trademark.
Toggle Worksafe Mode: Off | On
Terms | Privacy | Careers