BelezaModel wrote:
I'm glad I found this thread because I have been going through major depression. I feel so unaccomplished in life. I'm 21 have no friends, my boyfriend is nice but sometimes I feel he doesn't care, I have no job, my family doesn't care to listein about my problems, I'm stressed with school, and have given up modeling (still use the website because I like to lurk in the forums). I have been having constant thoughts of ending my own life. Everyone of my accquiantances would rather label me a bitch because I have been so irritable and frustrated and angry at everything that I just unintentionally take it out on people. I don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.

Hi Katie,
I just sent you a private message. Please let me know if I can help.

Tim

Buggin Out Photography wrote:

Yeah.  I've been on all kinds of medications for a long time, but am continually trying find more natural ways to deal with things.  All the medications the VA has given me over the years has taken a toll almost as bad as the conditions they were treating.  I guess it's just funny..sometimes you need medication to survive bad periods, but you really can't stay on a high level of medication for too long either.

My doctor told me yesterday that it's going to take a year to get completely off this Oxycontin. He said I may have to stay on a low dosage the rest of my life because of the pain from the generative bone disease.  I told him hell no..I want off it completely..I'll find another way to deal with the pain.

Taboo Nudes wrote:

My doctor told me yesterday that it's going to take a year to get completely off this Oxycontin. He said I may have to stay on a low dosage the rest of my life because of the pain from the generative bone disease.  I told him hell no..I want off it completely..I'll find another way to deal with the pain.

Yeah sometimes pain is better than side effects I think.  I do wish there was a drug I could take that would make me forget about my ex wife though. I've been divorced ten years and remarried but it seems like I never stop paying her more and more money.  The VA just ruled that my ex wife gets $650/month from my Army pension so I'm a little bummed out this week because I don't have an extra $650 to make that up.  Looks like its coming out of my photography money and somewhere else I haven't figured out it.  It's also retroactive to the beginning of this year, so I'm a few thousand in the hole already.  I already pay a generous amount in child support, so this kinda stings.  I had planned on doing a lot of shooting this summer, but looks like I'll have to scale that back now. 

I guess that's life though.  I'm going to increase my meditation, start walking more places and exercise more to get it off my mind.

BelezaModel wrote:
I'm glad I found this thread because I have been going through major depression. I feel so unaccomplished in life. I'm 21 have no friends, my boyfriend is nice but sometimes I feel he doesn't care, I have no job, my family doesn't care to listein about my problems, I'm stressed with school, and have given up modeling (still use the website because I like to lurk in the forums). I have been having constant thoughts of ending my own life. Everyone of my accquiantances would rather label me a bitch because I have been so irritable and frustrated and angry at everything that I just unintentionally take it out on people. I don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.

If those thoughts get to be too much, call someone. Anyone. There are hotline numbers at the beginning of this thread. Talking things out with a sympathetic ear often helps us to "hear our own words" so to speak. And sometimes just "getting it all out" is therapy enough.

Hang out with us here. I'm sure you'll find a friend or two. I made quite a few in this thread alone.

BelezaModel wrote:
I'm glad I found this thread because I have been going through major depression. I feel so unaccomplished in life. I'm 21 have no friends, my boyfriend is nice but sometimes I feel he doesn't care, I have no job, my family doesn't care to listein about my problems, I'm stressed with school, and have given up modeling (still use the website because I like to lurk in the forums). I have been having constant thoughts of ending my own life. Everyone of my accquiantances would rather label me a bitch because I have been so irritable and frustrated and angry at everything that I just unintentionally take it out on people. I don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.  I have had big issues with severe depression and anxiety over the years.  Also call a suicide hotline if the feelings get bad.  You can be anonymous on those lines if you choose to be.  I attempted suicide around six times but those days are behind me.  More people will miss you than you realize!  Suicide also hurts many people for many years after you are gone.

BelezaModel wrote:
Thank you to all of your responses to what I put. However I am feeling more and more agitated as each day passes. I feel like I am literally suffocating in my mind and it is driving me insane. This morning someone called the hotline on me. I was in absolute hysterics this morning and told a contact I was hitting myself. However for some reason I cannot talk to the people on the phone. I literally freeze up my emotions. I am scared the hotline might call 911 on me. I feel like if I say the wrong thing chaos will ensue.

I just feel it's all pointless. What is the point of being here if I have no friends? Literally I have NO friends, nada. ZIP. What is the point of being alive if I am not living life. What is the point if EVERY DAY I wake up and I hate how I look and who I am. What's the point. Everyone thinks I'm a user and a bitch, nobody wants to understand that I'm depressed and miserable with myself. I want company of others. I want to feel alive and free and beautiful. I honestly feel dead. Inside and out. I am crying at least every other hour of the day. I cannot take this. I am literally calling the same people over and over and over asking if there are ANY jobs avalible. I am losing my mind and all rational thought.

Hope. Hope is the point. Tomorrow might be better. Tomorrow might be your turn around point. Tomorrow might be the day when you meet someone who will be your friend. Hope. It's what keeps me going. Some days are better than others. Some days are worth it. I hate my life and I don't get a lot of good days, but I cherish what I do get.

Hope.

Do you not enjoy modeling anymore?

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hope. Hope is the point. Tomorrow might be better. Tomorrow might be your turn around point. Tomorrow might be the day when you meet someone who will be your friend. Hope. It's what keeps me going. Some days are better than others. Some days are worth it. I hate my life and I don't get a lot of good days, but I cherish what I do get.

Hope.

Do you not enjoy modeling anymore?

No, I have quit modeling. I feel it wasn't getting me anywhere. I relied on it too much for me to eventually make money out of it. Yes, I did have fun for a short time but then I realized I'm not cut out. My photos always came out terrible I felt, or mediocre at most. I lacked confidence. I don't think there is anything special about me. I have a tiny, non-curvy body, and small, boring features. I constantly compared myself to other models in my age and genre I was interested in. It started to make me depressed and I lost all the happiness out of doing it.

I'm sorry, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really find waiting on what tomorrow brings a bit ridiculous. I never leave my house, I basically stopped grooming myself, I do not have any friends or incentive to go out (except for school, and my college is pretty small) so how will any of that be possible? Lately I have NO days that are worth anything I wake up and spend the entire day in my bedroom between reading my stuff for class, crying, and hitting. What else do I have to do besides studying and being miserable? I'm tired of spending almost every weekend on end with my boyfriend. He is literally ALL I have and its so aggravating. Before anyone asks, yes I have approached people in my nursing class/school. I try to make myself look presentable, smile, and reach out to people a little bit. All I do is get laughed at. The other day a guy made a comment, loud enough for me to hear, that I look like a horse.

So why bother with any of this hope nonsense?

BelezaModel wrote:
No, I have quit modeling. I feel it wasn't getting me anywhere. I relied on it too much for me to eventually make money out of it. Yes, I did have fun for a short time but then I realized I'm not cut out. My photos always came out terrible I felt, or mediocre at most. I lacked confidence. I don't think there is anything special about me. I have a tiny, non-curvy body, and small, boring features. I constantly compared myself to other models in my age and genre I was interested in. It started to make me depressed and I lost all the happiness out of doing it.

I'm sorry, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really find waiting on what tomorrow brings a bit ridiculous. I never leave my house, I basically stopped grooming myself, I do not have any friends or incentive to go out (except for school, and my college is pretty small) so how will any of that be possible? Lately I have NO days that are worth anything I wake up and spend the entire day in my bedroom between reading my stuff for class, crying, and hitting. What else do I have to do besides studying and being miserable? I'm tired of spending almost every weekend on end with my boyfriend. He is literally ALL I have and its so aggravating. Before anyone asks, yes I have approached people in my nursing class/school. I try to make myself look presentable, smile, and reach out to people a little bit. All I do is get laughed at. The other day a guy made a comment, loud enough for me to hear, that I look like a horse.

So why bother with any of this hope nonsense?

Hope keeps me alive. But maybe you're right. I don't know...

So I looked at your portfolio. The photos are better than mediocre. If you've been doing this less than a year (going by your join date), you're doing a fantastic job. In my opinion, you're a beautiful young lady with a nicely proportional body. As for boring features, I don't see that, either. Pretty face, gorgeous hair, big soulful eyes, and nice full lips. I rarely offer TF* but I definitely would for you. And no, I'm not just saying that to cheer you up. We are our own worst critics. Judging by the comments and Lists on your photos, I'm not the only one who feels that way. If you were enjoying it, why not just focus on that for now? Don't be concerned with making money from it unless the opportunity presents itself. A lot of the girls who come to me do it for pure enjoyment and creativity. They do occasionally get paid, but they don't focus on that. I don't want you to think I'm telling you what to do...I'm merely offering another perspective on it.

And now I'll turn your words back on you. And I'm not saying this to be mean or spiteful. I'm honestly trying to connect with you. You say there's no sense hoping for tomorrow, but you quit modeling because it wasn't getting you anywhere. You say there's no sense hoping for tomorrow being better but when it comes to something you did enjoy, you stopped doing it because you felt it offered no tomorrow. For hope, you don't want to think about tomorrow. For what you think will turn from enjoyment to nothing, you do think about tomorrow. Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to consider this. You say your efforts to be happy are failing, yet one thing that did offer some enjoyment you stopped doing.

Perhaps I'm being slightly selfish with the nudge toward modeling. If you start modeling again, I may have the opportunity to shoot with you.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hope keeps me alive. But maybe you're right. I don't know...

So I looked at your portfolio. The photos are better than mediocre. If you've been doing this less than a year (going by your join date), you're doing a fantastic job. In my opinion, you're a beautiful young lady with a nicely proportional body. As for boring features, I don't see that, either. Pretty face, gorgeous hair, big soulful eyes, and nice full lips. I rarely offer TF* but I definitely would for you. And no, I'm not just saying that to cheer you up. We are our own worst critics. Judging by the comments and Lists on your photos, I'm not the only one who feels that way. If you were enjoying it, why not just focus on that for now? Don't be concerned with making money from it unless the opportunity presents itself. A lot of the girls who come to me do it for pure enjoyment and creativity. They do occasionally get paid, but they don't focus on that. I don't want you to think I'm telling you what to do...I'm merely offering another perspective on it.

And now I'll turn your words back on you. And I'm not saying this to be mean or spiteful. I'm honestly trying to connect with you. You say there's no sense hoping for tomorrow, but you quit modeling because it wasn't getting you anywhere. You say there's no sense hoping for tomorrow being better but when it comes to something you did enjoy, you stopped doing it because you felt it offered no tomorrow. For hope, you don't want to think about tomorrow. For what you think will turn from enjoyment to nothing, you do think about tomorrow. Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to consider this. You say your efforts to be happy are failing, yet one thing that did offer some enjoyment you stopped doing.

Perhaps I'm being slightly selfish with the nudge toward modeling. If you start modeling again, I may have the opportunity to shoot with you.

I'm really not being my worst critic in this sense. I'm being honest with myself. I am not really an attractive person. I don't think I would get comments that I do almost daily, outside of MM, if I was for example what happened in my nursing class. I have about a million other instances. No girl or guy approaches me. I feel that is because I have nothing great to offer. Even my boyfriend likes to describe me as a typical girl.

On the subject with my boyfriend, is it weird to love and hate someone at the same time? Sometimes I feel that way with him. He holds me back from a lot of things but then when I am with him he treats me nice and its nice to be with him. I was offered a PCA (nurses aid) job at my mom's hospital. I told my boyfriend the shift would probably Thursday through Saturday from 7-3 so between school and work, I wouldn't see him a whole lot. He starts to complain that it would interfere with our relationship and he would miss me way too much. So I felt bad and I didn't take the job. I feel like an idiot but I don't want my boyfriend to be sad or angry with me. He is all I have. I consider stripping sometimes as a job, and I have brought this up with my boyfriend. He got so angry at the thought, because he didn't want me to be around drugs or "the mafia". He has it in his head that the mafia runs most strip clubs. I wanted to be a cocktail waitress but he complains that the job will be at nights and he will be too worried about me. In between this time you think he would provide somewhat for me, knowing that I don't have a job and he complains at about every suggestion I make. Well, he pays for my food but thats pretty much all he buys me on average. I don't expect him to buy me something every single day but recently I asked him if he would spend some of his money on a dress for me and another item (some face wash thingy) and he said "maybe in a few weeks" and then proceded to call me a brat because I just didn't apperciate the answer, it came off as careless and unfair in my opinion because I *never* ask him to buy me or expect material things from him, unless its my birthday. I have even given him some of the money off of modeling when someone dented his car or when he had lost his wallet in the bank and his rent was due that week. He forbids me to get certain jobs but then he brags about *all* the money he's making during OT and will go clothes shopping online in front of my face buying $70 jeans.

I told him one time that when I'm done with school that maybe I want to move out to Cali for a fresh start and asked if he would please come with me. He flat out told me no and if that was the case I'm on my own. I just don't get him sometimes. I feel sometimes he doesn't want me to grow as a person because maybe he is a tad paranoid and insecure. Like he doesn't want me to have money to get the things I want because then I'll be too attractive for him or something. Maybe I am the paranoid one, lol.

The above examples are the times I absolutely hate him but then if we're not having these convos the time spent with him is pleasent until this issues come up in my mind again i.e. lack of friends, no job, etc. (which is pretty much daily now). I have talked to him about his issue with me working nights if that ever happens, but I think it will take time for him to change his thinking. He approves me working at a clothing store, lol. I feel bad though because he obviously knows I'm unhappy but then he says "I feel like whatever I do doesn't make you happy" like its 100% his fault even though it's not. He does make me happy by trying to make me smile by saying something goofy or cuddling with me, and the only time he'll make me unhappy is when he's careless in his actions and words.

In regards to modeling again I did enjoy but the happiness doing it slowly depleted. I think I jumped into it too fast for mostly the wrong reasons. I do not think I have the looks or self-esteem to make it or enjoy it fully.

BelezaModel wrote:

I'm really not being my worst critic in this sense. I'm being honest with myself. I am not really an attractive person. I don't think I would get comments that I do almost daily, outside of MM, if I was for example what happened in my nursing class. I have about a million other instances. No girl or guy approaches me. I feel that is because I have nothing great to offer. Even my boyfriend likes to describe me as a typical girl.

On the subject with my boyfriend, is it weird to love and hate someone at the same time? Sometimes I feel that way with him. He holds me back from a lot of things but then when I am with him he treats me nice and its nice to be with him. I was offered a PCA (nurses aid) job at my mom's hospital. I told my boyfriend the shift would probably Thursday through Saturday from 7-3 so between school and work, I wouldn't see him a whole lot. He starts to complain that it would interfere with our relationship and he would miss me way too much. So I felt bad and I didn't take the job. I feel like an idiot but I don't want my boyfriend to be sad or angry with me. He is all I have. I consider stripping sometimes as a job, and I have brought this up with my boyfriend. He got so angry at the thought, because he didn't want me to be around drugs or "the mafia". He has it in his head that the mafia runs most strip clubs. I wanted to be a cocktail waitress but he complains that the job will be at nights and he will be too worried about me. In between this time you think he would provide somewhat for me, knowing that I don't have a job and he complains at about every suggestion I make. Well, he pays for my food but thats pretty much all he buys me on average. I don't expect him to buy me something every single day but recently I asked him if he would spend some of his money on a dress for me and another item (some face wash thingy) and he said "maybe in a few weeks" and then proceded to call me a brat because I just didn't apperciate the answer, it came off as careless and unfair in my opinion because I *never* ask him to buy me or expect material things from him, unless its my birthday. I have even given him some of the money off of modeling when someone dented his car or when he had lost his wallet in the bank and his rent was due that week. He forbids me to get certain jobs but then he brags about *all* the money he's making during OT and will go clothes shopping online in front of my face buying $70 jeans.

I told him one time that when I'm done with school that maybe I want to move out to Cali for a fresh start and asked if he would please come with me. He flat out told me no and if that was the case I'm on my own. I just don't get him sometimes. I feel sometimes he doesn't want me to grow as a person because maybe he is a tad paranoid and insecure. Like he doesn't want me to have money to get the things I want because then I'll be too attractive for him or something. Maybe I am the paranoid one, lol.

The above examples are the times I absolutely hate him but then if we're not having these convos the time spent with him is pleasent until this issues come up in my mind again i.e. lack of friends, no job, etc. (which is pretty much daily now). I have talked to him about his issue with me working nights if that ever happens, but I think it will take time for him to change his thinking. He approves me working at a clothing store, lol. I feel bad though because he obviously knows I'm unhappy but then he says "I feel like whatever I do doesn't make you happy" like its 100% his fault even though it's not. He does make me happy by trying to make me smile by saying something goofy or cuddling with me, and the only time he'll make me unhappy is when he's careless in his actions and words.

In regards to modeling again I did enjoy but the happiness doing it slowly depleted. I think I jumped into it too fast for mostly the wrong reasons. I do not think I have the looks or self-esteem to make it or enjoy it fully.

Katie, do you think that perhaps your boyfriend is afraid to share you for some reason. He shoots down every job idea you have and he kept you from taking the PCA job. Most of us find our friends at work. If you are not working then you really miss out on a big opportunity to get to know people with common interests. BTW, the guy who made the horse remark is an ass and just forget about him. And as for your physical features and all. You are a very, very beautiful woman. Your portfolio shows that you are lovely. I see nothing mediocre about you and I would hire you in a second.

I can see how you fear losing your bf. He has positioned himself as all you have. Or at least that may be the way it appears. Can I ask what your relationship with your family is like?

Here is something that you said that I think is dead on true.

" I feel sometimes he doesn't want me to grow as a person because maybe he is a tad paranoid and insecure. Like he doesn't want me to have money to get the things I want because then I'll be too attractive for him or something."

A lot of guys, and women too but I think less often, will mess with your head and heart just to keep you feeling like you are lucky to have them. In reality it is them with the problem. They are terrified you will out grow them or men will notice you more and you will leave them. It sounds like he has quite a hold on you.

Please know that we care about you here in the forum. I think you've seen that people care here. We don't have the answers but we can listen and offer up our thoughts. Take care Katie!

Tim

Tim Little Photography wrote:

Katie, do you think that perhaps your boyfriend is afraid to share you for some reason. He shoots down every job idea you have and he kept you from taking the PCA job. Most of us find our friends at work. If you are not working then you really miss out on a big opportunity to get to know people with common interests. BTW, the guy who made the horse remark is an ass and just forget about him. And as for your physical features and all. You are a very, very beautiful woman. Your portfolio shows that you are lovely. I see nothing mediocre about you and I would hire you in a second.

I can see how you fear losing your bf. He has positioned himself as all you have. Or at least that may be the way it appears. Can I ask what your relationship with your family is like?

Here is something that you said that I think is dead on true.

" I feel sometimes he doesn't want me to grow as a person because maybe he is a tad paranoid and insecure. Like he doesn't want me to have money to get the things I want because then I'll be too attractive for him or something."

A lot of guys, and women too but I think less often, will mess with your head and heart just to keep you feeling like you are lucky to have them. In reality it is them with the problem. They are terrified you will out grow them or men will notice you more and you will leave them. It sounds like he has quite a hold on you.

Please know that we care about you here in the forum. I think you've seen that people care here. We don't have the answers but we can listen and offer up our thoughts. Take care Katie!

Tim

I just love this, honestly. I'm very beautiful, huh? Ok, so today I messaged a photographer in regards to a casting. Maybe I thought hey, why not give modeling a shot today. So the photographer apparently said my port was subpar (which I won't argue with) and that basically I am "average" looking and not a "supermodel". So...how am I "very, very beautiful then"?

I live with my family but I might as well be on my own, being how insane and unsupportive of me they are. They think my problems will be solved by me taking a happy pill for my issues. No one from my mom to my dad to my own sister would care to just listein to me.

Buggin Out Photography wrote:

Yeah sometimes pain is better than side effects I think.  I do wish there was a drug I could take that would make me forget about my ex wife though. I've been divorced ten years and remarried but it seems like I never stop paying her more and more money.  The VA just ruled that my ex wife gets $650/month from my Army pension so I'm a little bummed out this week because I don't have an extra $650 to make that up.  Looks like its coming out of my photography money and somewhere else I haven't figured out it.  It's also retroactive to the beginning of this year, so I'm a few thousand in the hole already.  I already pay a generous amount in child support, so this kinda stings.  I had planned on doing a lot of shooting this summer, but looks like I'll have to scale that back now. 

I guess that's life though.  I'm going to increase my meditation, start walking more places and exercise more to get it off my mind.

Wow, I don't know what to say..that's a lot on your plate.  Meditation can definitely clear your mind so you can focus on a solution.

I want to start meeting models and other photographers here in Siera Vista...getting back into my work will definitely help my depression and coming off of these opiate pain pills.

BelezaModel wrote:
Thank you to all of your responses to what I put. However I am feeling more and more agitated as each day passes. I feel like I am literally suffocating in my mind and it is driving me insane. This morning someone called the hotline on me. I was in absolute hysterics this morning and told a contact I was hitting myself. However for some reason I cannot talk to the people on the phone. I literally freeze up my emotions. I am scared the hotline might call 911 on me. I feel like if I say the wrong thing chaos will ensue.

I just feel it's all pointless. What is the point of being here if I have no friends? Literally I have NO friends, nada. ZIP. What is the point of being alive if I am not living life. What is the point if EVERY DAY I wake up and I hate how I look and who I am. What's the point. Everyone thinks I'm a user and a bitch, nobody wants to understand that I'm depressed and miserable with myself. I want company of others. I want to feel alive and free and beautiful. I honestly feel dead. Inside and out. I am crying at least every other hour of the day. I cannot take this. I am literally calling the same people over and over and over asking if there are ANY jobs avalible. I am losing my mind and all rational thought.

I truly know how you feel.  All of my family and friends live in other states and towns hours away since we moved here for my husband's job. It is driving me insane. Please don't give up..I fight this everyday. I've never been the type of person to just go out and meet people....shy I guess.

Are you able to find a national group in your area called NAMI?  National alliance for Mental Illness. You can search online for a local group near you. It really helps to talk with others that are going through the same thing...you aren't alone even though it feels like it...I know..I am there myself and fighting it like hell.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
I apologize I haven't been around for awhile. Model Mayhem was starting to stress me out too much to deal with. I'll try to come here more often, though.

Anyway, I've been more on Facebook than anywhere else lately. And when I'd start to get depressed and post a status regarding it, I was getting replies from people telling me to just "shake it off" or "you have no reason to be depressed" and similar things. I know in their own way they meant well, but they didn't help. So I took a little time and tried to explain depression in a way that most people would understand. I kept it as a note and Share it from time to time as a reminder and so maybe more people can see it and pass it on. Here is the text from that Note....

It seems most people don't understand what depression really is. But in their defense, it's hard to understand something like that unless you experience it firsthand. Depression isn't about having a bad day, or a bad month, or a bad year. It isn't caused by those things, either, though that can aggravate it. Depression is an emotional state of mind that can limit how a person deals with that bad day or month or year. Let me use an analogy...

Think of 2 people who, for all outward appearances, are basically average with average lifestyles. Neither of them really exercises but both seem in good shape. One major difference: One of them has severe asthma. If you were to take them to a track and have them start jogging around the track, what do you think will happen? Barring all the "What ifs" and unlikely scenarios, most people would have to agree that the person with asthma would quickly fall behind and have to struggle harder just to go as far as the person without asthma.

Depression is like emotional asthma. Where a person without depression would handle a bad day/month/year as if it were just that, a person with depression would be fighting with each and every step of the way. The bad times don't cause the depression just like the jogging doesn't cause the asthma, but it can aggravate it.

So if you see or know of someone who suffers from depression, don't assume they can just snap out of it or that they are bringing it on themselves or that if they do X, Y, or Z then they can shake loose from depression. That makes it worse for those who suffer. Simple understanding is the most important thing you can do for them without judgment.

Feel free to pass this along if you so desire. Or quote from it. I don't mind as long as the basic meaning of what I'm saying is left intact. There are more people suffering from depression than most people realize.

I think that a lot of people in this thread can relate to this. It isnt something that was written JUST about you and your experiences, but in more broad terms so that others could also relate. More of an informative piece and in a tone that seems educational. A lot of people lack the education and awareness about different emotional aspects of human beings and different key things we may experience during depression. I liked the way you described the "emotional asthma".

A lot of the time, and more recently, in child rearing particularly and even back when, kids, more so men, are just told to 'walk it off", shake it off, get over it, STOP it, whatever it is they are told, because MEN arent supposed to cry or be bummed out. It's more or less in my eyes one of the worst things you can do to any child. hey lets invalidate your real feelings and start at a young age!!!! Wipe those tears away! You dont feel that pain! Um YES! Your child does! Now let the damn kid feel it! Girls are given more freedom to show tears (generally) and show emotions as a general rule of thumb, but you will find your times where they are told to suck it up too. Not only does depression and repression come from that, but many other forms of mental illness may stem from that as well. We need release. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Everyone that has shared in this group has at one point or another needed a release or come in to watch others share and or release or is curious about the process. No one here is an expert on any of those things. We all learn through our experiences and will continue to do so. We can learn by reading others experiences, possible saving material in our minds that we deem important for growth, and the other stuff we may realize it may not apply to us, but it is all here for some reason. Every one shares what they do for some purpose. You will notice over time a change of posters in here and changes in moods. Its how life is. If you feel someone needs an extra nudge, ask them if they do. Honesty is always the best way (for me)               Gabrielle

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Thank you  Gabrielle for bringing up a subject very close to me. The way many children and young people are told to "shake it off."

When I was 12 I was burned very badly. 64 percent of my body received 3rd degree burns. I was in the hospital for almost 18 months and just about every one of those days I prayed to die.

Everyone knows severe burns hurt. It is so horrible I can't describe it. And the things they have to do to you are too gross to discuss. I would lie in bed, looking at legs that have no skin left on them. And my left arm and side. All of it so overwhelmingly terrible and ugly and gross.

Today they have mental health treatment from day one with burn victims. But back then there was none. When I would fall apart and cry I would be told to suck it up or even be threatened with a feeding tube down my nose if I didn't stop. The nurses were doing the best they could. They weren't being mean, they were following orders.

But not being able to talk or cry or release any of that pain has made me disabled today. My mind is a train wreck of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression and anxiety attacks like you wouldn't believe.

I want to thank you for bringing up the importance of letting people hurt and express their hurt. And I think this forum is one way for people to do that. We can reveal ourselves to a group of people who will not judge us or reject us. There are no doctors or counselors here. But there are caring people who can listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. 

I must vomit out the stuff in my head. For a couple of years now this forum, these people that come and go have held my hand when it was bad. Thank you for being here for me. I adore you all!

Tim

Much love to you, Tim.  Thanks for sharing your story.

Emily Hayworth wrote:
I was a sexual assault victim.  Just wanted to offer my support and love to others in the same position.  My inbox is always open to anyone needing some support.

Much love right back to you Emily. I am so sorry you had to go though your trauma. I want you to know that my inbox is also always open. Thank you for being here to offer friendship and support.

Tim

Depression quotes and sayings about depression can provide insight into what it's like living with depression as well as inspiration and a feeling of "someone gets it." These quotes on depression and depression sayings deal with different aspects of the illness such as grief, sadness, loneliness and other related issues. Feel free to share them on your website, blog or social page for your own enjoyment or to help others.

Tim Little Photography wrote:
[snip]

But not being able to talk or cry or release any of that pain has made me disabled today. My mind is a train wreck of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression and anxiety attacks like you wouldn't believe.

I want to thank you for bringing up the importance of letting people hurt and express their hurt. And I think this forum is one way for people to do that. We can reveal ourselves to a group of people who will not judge us or reject us. There are no doctors or counselors here. But there are caring people who can listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. 

I must vomit out the stuff in my head. For a couple of years now this forum, these people that come and go have held my hand when it was bad. Thank you for being here for me. I adore you all!

Tim

I know about your troubles through the various times you have written about them. You have disclosed a lot. My hopes are that you are wading through all of this stuff with someone privately in therapy. We as a whole, here, are here to support and listen, but are not here to be your "it". "Vomiting" stuff is something that a lot of people tend to do when they have a hard time with boundaries or when they are overwhelmed. I again am just hoping that you have someplace "safe" to go to talk with a professional. From what you share, I know that your past does haunt you still and you have not really found proper ways to cope or deal with it. I wish you a less painful future and ways of letting go or making some type of peace on your own, in a not so public manner, that may give you the ability to heal in ways you havent been able to before. Life is tricky.

Lumen Sky wrote:

I know about your troubles through the various times you have written about them. You have disclosed a lot. My hopes are that you are wading through all of this stuff with someone privately in therapy. We as a whole, here, are here to support and listen, but are not here to be your "it". "Vomiting" stuff is something that a lot of people tend to do when they have a hard time with boundaries or when they are overwhelmed. I again am just hoping that you have someplace "safe" to go to talk with a professional. From what you share, I know that your past does haunt you still and you have not really found proper ways to cope or deal with it. I wish you a less painful future and ways of letting go or making some type of peace on your own, in a not so public manner, that may give you the ability to heal in ways you havent been able to before. Life is tricky.

You can relax. I have a psychiatrist who is board certified and works mostly with trauma patients. I also have a therapist who has special training in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I work in this in a very public manner by choice and with the approval of my mental health team. I've discussed this several times before that much of my problem was that I had to hold in so much horror. I chose to be an open book. These forums are a place for a pat on the back and a little emotional support. CBT or anything close to therapy is nonsensical. But, by being open about my situation I know for a fact that many people have contacted me in private here and at other websites and have sought real mental health therapy with an M.D. Two have entered drug rehab and a couple have gone to the hospital rather than kill themselves. That's a lot of good and all I did was live an open book life.

BelezaModel wrote:

No, I have quit modeling. I feel it wasn't getting me anywhere. I relied on it too much for me to eventually make money out of it. Yes, I did have fun for a short time but then I realized I'm not cut out. My photos always came out terrible I felt, or mediocre at most. I lacked confidence. I don't think there is anything special about me. I have a tiny, non-curvy body, and small, boring features. I constantly compared myself to other models in my age and genre I was interested in. It started to make me depressed and I lost all the happiness out of doing it.

I'm sorry, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really find waiting on what tomorrow brings a bit ridiculous. I never leave my house, I basically stopped grooming myself, I do not have any friends or incentive to go out (except for school, and my college is pretty small) so how will any of that be possible? Lately I have NO days that are worth anything I wake up and spend the entire day in my bedroom between reading my stuff for class, crying, and hitting. What else do I have to do besides studying and being miserable? I'm tired of spending almost every weekend on end with my boyfriend. He is literally ALL I have and its so aggravating. Before anyone asks, yes I have approached people in my nursing class/school. I try to make myself look presentable, smile, and reach out to people a little bit. All I do is get laughed at. The other day a guy made a comment, loud enough for me to hear, that I look like a horse.

So why bother with any of this hope nonsense?

I completely understand not leaving the house, but it's something you have to find a way out of.  From 2009 to 2012, I very rarely left my house.  I pretty much stopped doing photography at all for very long chunks of time.  I don't really have any real friends where I live now other than my wife and her family, so I understand.  Maybe you need to find a new interest.  For me it was taking trips by myself into the mountains here to do nature photography.  Everyone has at least one thing they haven't tried before that they can get enjoyment out of.  Do you have a therapist our counselor.  If it weren't for my therapist at the VA, I'd probably still spend the majority of my time inside the house. 

If you can't do the therapist thing, maybe consider calling depression and suicide lines just to have someone to discuss things with.  Problems with the brain often can't be fixed by yourself and require major lifestyle changes too.

Tim Little Photography wrote:
You can relax. I have a psychiatrist who is board certified and works mostly with trauma patients. I also have a therapist who has special training in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I work in this in a very public manner by choice and with the approval of my mental health team. I've discussed this several times before that much of my problem was that I had to hold in so much horror. I chose to be an open book. These forums are a place for a pat on the back and a little emotional support. CBT or anything close to therapy is nonsensical. But, by being open about my situation I know for a fact that many people have contacted me in private here and at other websites and have sought real mental health therapy with an M.D. Two have entered drug rehab and a couple have gone to the hospital rather than kill themselves. That's a lot of good and all I did was live an open book life.

I am working on living an open book life myself.  I'm not even close to being where I need to be with that, but it's a great idea you have.  I have found that the more open and honest you are about your life, the easier it becomes to identify real friends and identify the people who will not try to chop you down. The people who do not have your best interests at heart will also make themselves very apparent.  It's. two sided coin I suppose, but at least it's not fake. There are still things I'd never discuss with my therapist yet and I've been seeing her for 4 years, but that's a future goal.

I recently disclosed my brain disorder online and caught a lot of hell for it from some people, but my real friends were happy about it.

Buggin Out Photography wrote:

I am working on living an open book life myself.  I'm not even close to being where I need to be with that, but it's a great idea you have.  I have found that the more open and honest you are about your life, the easier it becomes to identify real friends and identify the people who will not try to chop you down. The people who do not have your best interests at heart will also make themselves very apparent.  It's. two sided coin I suppose, but at least it's not fake. There are still things I'd never discuss with my therapist yet and I've been seeing her for 4 years, but that's a future goal.

I recently disclosed my brain disorder online and caught a lot of hell for it from some people, but my real friends were happy about it.

There's something really admirable about being an open book that I think we all struggle with.  I'm disappointed that some people want to shoot it down.  The purpose of this thread is to be supportive of people who want to share, and I think we should all be able to share as much as we feel is comfortable and appropriate.

It takes courage to be open and honest, especially about the really personal struggles of life.

Emily Hayworth wrote:

There's something really admirable about being an open book that I think we all struggle with.  I'm disappointed that some people want to shoot it down.  The purpose of this thread is to be supportive of people who want to share, and I think we should all be able to share as much as we feel is comfortable and appropriate.

It takes courage to be open and honest, especially about the really personal struggles of life.

I completely agree.  I guess I'm getting less and less sensitive to people who will shoot you down for the truth.  I've lived a primarily secretive life for over a decade now and that's no way to live.

Emily Hayworth wrote:

There's something really admirable about being an open book that I think we all struggle with.  I'm disappointed that some people want to shoot it down.  The purpose of this thread is to be supportive of people who want to share, and I think we should all be able to share as much as we feel is comfortable and appropriate.

It takes courage to be open and honest, especially about the really personal struggles of life.

I pretty much have tried to live an open book life in this thread,as I kinda want to keep my pain not visible in most of the social media sites,as the few times I did open up on other forumsit was used against me

Chris Rifkin wrote:

I pretty much have tried to live an open book life in this thread,as I kinda want to keep my pain not visible in most of the social media sites,as the few times I did open up on other forumsit was used against me

Are you overcoming your pain through this thread?

Jules NYC wrote:
Are you overcoming your pain through this thread?

This is the part that is important. Through sharing  and exposing yourself, over and over again, is there any healing? It may traumatize you to relive briefly the things in your life that happened, and unless you have had some healing happen about what went on, Im not so sure that it is wonderful to bring certain things up again simply to expose raw wounds.

I am all about sharing parts of yourself. I am not an advocate of holding things in and letting them fester. That never fares well for the individual or for anyone around them. What I am saying is that addressing the issues in a deeper manner and not letting them surface on occasion is the key to being able to discuss painful things in a healthier way. I am not pointing fingers and stating that anyone here is doing that. I am asking if anyone feels that they have dealt with their issues well enough to be able to bring up their pasts with ease.

I am just like anyone else in this thread. I have my issues. I am working on them, with and through them. Some have become easier to discuss over time. Personally, the way I reveal, is to do a little here and there, and over time. (in various places) You never know who is paying attention or not. It's extremely personal and painful stuff that you are revealing. If I feel safe in the moment, I may reveal, not everyone is worthy of hearing your personal stories. IMO. They are private. This is online. Anyone can go back and read this stuff at any point.

As Jules said, no matter how many times you share, are you healing? there has to be a learning that happens. I feel that that is what life is about. I feel we learn through experience.

Lumen Sky wrote:

This is the part that is important. Through sharing  and exposing yourself, over and over again, is there any healing? It may traumatize you to relive briefly the things in your life that happened, and unless you have had some healing happen about what went on, Im not so sure that it is wonderful to bring certain things up again simply to expose raw wounds.

I am all about sharing parts of yourself. I am not an advocate of holding things in and letting them fester. That never fares well for the individual or for anyone around them. What I am saying is that addressing the issues in a deeper manner and not letting them surface on occasion is the key to being able to discuss painful things in a healthier way. I am not pointing fingers and stating that anyone here is doing that. I am asking if anyone feels that they have dealt with their issues well enough to be able to bring up their pasts with ease.

I am just like anyone else in this thread. I have my issues. I am working on them, with and through them. Some have become easier to discuss over time. Personally, the way I reveal, is to do a little here and there, and over time. (in various places) You never know who is paying attention or not. It's extremely personal and painful stuff that you are revealing. If I feel safe in the moment, I may reveal, not everyone is worthy of hearing your personal stories. IMO. They are private. This is online. Anyone can go back and read this stuff at any point.

As Jules said, no matter how many times you share, are you healing? there has to be a learning that happens. I feel that that is what life is about. I feel we learn through experience.

You expressed this so eloquently.
Exactly my thoughts.

Buggin Out Photography wrote:
I completely understand not leaving the house, but it's something you have to find a way out of.  From 2009 to 2012, I very rarely left my house.  I pretty much stopped doing photography at all for very long chunks of time.  I don't really have any real friends where I live now other than my wife and her family, so I understand.  Maybe you need to find a new interest.  For me it was taking trips by myself into the mountains here to do nature photography.  Everyone has at least one thing they haven't tried before that they can get enjoyment out of.  Do you have a therapist our counselor.  If it weren't for my therapist at the VA, I'd probably still spend the majority of my time inside the house. 

If you can't do the therapist thing, maybe consider calling depression and suicide lines just to have someone to discuss things with.  Problems with the brain often can't be fixed by yourself and require major lifestyle changes too.

I honestly don't have any other interests. I feel like I fail at everything I do. I wanted to start up my own YouTube channel at one point because I used to like fashion/beauty and wanted to do tutorials but then I realized I have no clothes, style, and I'm not really an expert at makeup. So I failed at that, modeling, and I really have no discernable talent untop of the fact that I'm an ugly loser with no friends. Great.

Therapists and counselors aren't really my thing. I have been to several when I was younger. I also mentioned that I don't particurlarly like talking to the people on the suicide hotlines. Talking about my problems isn't going to change the situation, dishing out advice such as "hope for tomorrow" isn't going to change the situation. At this point I'm pretty much a lost cause.

BelezaModel wrote:
I honestly don't have any other interests. I feel like I fail at everything I do. I wanted to start up my own YouTube channel at one point because I used to like fashion/beauty and wanted to do tutorials but then I realized I have no clothes, style, and I'm not really an expert at makeup. So I failed at that, modeling, and I really have no discernable talent untop of the fact that I'm an ugly loser with no friends. Great.

Therapists and counselors aren't really my thing. I have been to several when I was younger. I also mentioned that I don't particurlarly like talking to the people on the suicide hotlines. Talking about my problems isn't going to change the situation, dishing out advice such as "hope for tomorrow" isn't going to change the situation. At this point I'm pretty much a lost cause.

if I may, you are defeating yourself before you even have a chance to do anything or go anywhere. How can you even begin to breathe when you have someone limiting your thoughts and air? (the sick part of you isnt letting any healthier parts of you as of right now see past the clouds). Something, or a few things in your life happened that turned a switch in you. It's time to start working towards turning that switch back . Im not saying it is going to be easy or that you will ever feel the same again, but it has to start to move slowly in the other direction, like honey. When you start to see little bright glimpses of what could be, or was, you may realize that it is worth the plight.

Lumen Sky wrote:
if I may, you are defeating yourself before you even have a chance to do anything or go anywhere. How can you even begin to breathe when you have someone limiting your thoughts and air? (the sick part of you isnt letting any healthier parts of you as of right now see past the clouds). Something, or a few things in your life happened that turned a switch in you. It's time to start working towards turning that switch back . Im not saying it is going to be easy or that you will ever feel the same again, but it has to start to move slowly in the other direction, like honey. When you start to see little bright glimpses of what could be, or was, you may realize that it is worth the plight.

Not so.
I've tried to make friends, I've tried modeling, I've tried finding some other form of enjoyment. For nearly 22 years now (and around three years at an attempt to model) I have failed at everything. I'm seriously not being negative or narrow minded. I'm being honest.
Futhermore, I don't know what having friends is like period so I will never return to a normal, "happy" state, because NOT having friends and NOT being happy is the norm for me so far.
I don't feel like working towards a switch back with certain things. For example modeling will never work out for me and I don't see myself ever making friends. To be blunt I really just want to find a way to kill myself and get it over with before I waste more of my life unhappy. I'm not understanding why I should *not* kill myself, this hope for tomorrow talk aside.

BelezaModel wrote:
Not so.
I've tried to make friends, I've tried modeling, I've tried finding some other form of enjoyment. For nearly 22 years now (and around three years at an attempt to model) I have failed at everything. I'm seriously not being negative or narrow minded. I'm being honest.
Futhermore, I don't know what having friends is like period so I will never return to a normal, "happy" state, because NOT having friends and NOT being happy is the norm for me so far.
I don't feel like working towards a switch back with certain things. For example modeling will never work out for me and I don't see myself ever making friends. To be blunt I really just want to find a way to kill myself and get it over with before I waste more of my life unhappy. I'm not understanding why I should *not* kill myself, this hope for tomorrow talk aside.

one day at a time. That is all you can do. You have made it this far and that is something. You dont give yourself enough credit. You are a beautiful young girl who has passion.

Lumen Sky wrote:
one day at a time. That is all you can do. You have made it this far and that is something. You dont give yourself enough credit. You are a beautiful young girl who has passion.

I'm not beautiful and I do not have passion for anything. Please stop trying to convince me my life is like this otherwise. To repeat myself, I don't feel like going day by day anymore. Again, I've did this for nearly 22 *years*. I can't take it. I want out.

miki kierulf wrote:
i did once.... i almost died... but i wont do it ever again. there are so many people i cant afford to lose in my life right now. problems can be solved.... i learned.

I also did once when i was in high school toilets because i was bullied .. i'll never do it again

BelezaModel wrote:

Not so.
I've tried to make friends, I've tried modeling, I've tried finding some other form of enjoyment. For nearly 22 years now (and around three years at an attempt to model) I have failed at everything. I'm seriously not being negative or narrow minded. I'm being honest.
Futhermore, I don't know what having friends is like period so I will never return to a normal, "happy" state, because NOT having friends and NOT being happy is the norm for me so far.
I don't feel like working towards a switch back with certain things. For example modeling will never work out for me and I don't see myself ever making friends. To be blunt I really just want to find a way to kill myself and get it over with before I waste more of my life unhappy. I'm not understanding why I should *not* kill myself, this hope for tomorrow talk aside.

#1 Don't give up on yourself.  I know you feel like it.  I know you don't see it, but if you woke up this morning you're here for a reason. Most of us whether we're struggling with a mental illness condition or not have a hard time appreciating our life from that perspective, but nevertheless it's true. We don't know why that plant over there is here or why that fish is in that pond, but it's a purpose not simply to take up space. You have one; although it's obvious you're struggling to find it. That's not an evil thing. I'm 55 years old and I still pose that question to myself at times.

#2 Seek professional help in the form of therapy. Eyuck! So many of us refuse that route. So many of us have had bad experiences, but so many of us have indeed gone that route and found great success - a lot of the time it's about finding the right program and type of treatment, but we are not beyond help

In your statements I'm seeing a lot of evidence of distorted thinking. We have reasoned a lot of things to be fact through it and instead it's a product of how we've decided it to be and we're suffering from our reactions to it. I learned about this through my Cognitive Behavior therapy that my therapist used with me. It was a breakthrough for me when dealing with my depression and subsequent struggles in life due to it.

I learned how to identify how I was feeling about something. I learned how to put it through the criteria to see if it was based in fact and then I learned to decide what to do about it.
I can tell from where you're at right now you have a whole list of arguments against it. I've been there.
I listened and gave it a try because I recognized that if I was there with a therapist I should at least honor that moment because otherwise I was being disingenuous with myself for being there.

This is your time and this is your life. Ultimately it does boil down to what you do with it and what you try to do with it.

This much I will say.
You've declared that you've failed at modeling and that you've been at it for three years. I've been on Model Mayhem longer than that and I'm not some world renowned photographer. Heck, I'm not even really doing much of anything at all with my photography at the moment, but that's not the point. The point is success is defined by a set of criteria that we place on something to be accomplished. What is failure? Not meeting that criteria.
Failed at modeling? Could it be that the criteria hasn't been properly established so that you will succeed? Who makes that criteria? You do.
No, you don't make the rules for what a model does, but you do decide what is going to be success and what isn't. That's part of the criteria.

So I'm not suggesting that you give modeling another go. Only you can decide that. What I am suggesting is that label that you've applied to yourself of failed model(or anything for that matter) is something that distorted thinking is using against you in an effort to devalue yourself.
That needs to be checked, stopped and put away.
You haven't failed at anything. You've not reached a desired goal, but you haven't failed.

Many of us struggling with depression disorders have words and phrases like "failure" "it will never happen" "I can't" always running around with us. These words and phrases have logic all to themselves for purposes defined and not so clear, but mostly they're there tripping us up like cords and ropes tangling our legs denying our steps.

Have you ever wrapped yourself up in a sheet and tried to run across a room or down a hallway? Depending on how it's wrapped and how we try to keep that sheet wrapped around us our journey can be an ambiguous and clumsy one. Our depression can be like that sheet. Depending on how we're wrapped up in it we can struggle so mightily in it just to see where we're going.

But the sheet is not us and it's not our lives. We didn't choose to get wrapped up in it, but we can manage our time with it.

Long words, lots of things said. Sorry to be so long, but I hope you've read it all and given serious consideration.

For what it's worth, many times I get so fed up with all these challenges I have in my life I wish for death just so they would be done with. I'm well versed in wanting to shut down.

Suicide is not chosen. It happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
You can overcome your pain. It's not about getting back to some normal happy state. It's about taking control of your life and living it.

Star Child wrote:
#1 Don't give up on yourself.  I know you feel like it.  I know you don't see it, but if you woke up this morning you're here for a reason. Most of us whether we're struggling with a mental illness condition or not have a hard time appreciating our life from that perspective, but nevertheless it's true. We don't know why that plant over there is here or why that fish is in that pond, but it's a purpose not simply to take up space. You have one; although it's obvious you're struggling to find it. That's not an evil thing. I'm 55 years old and I still pose that question to myself at times.

#2 Seek professional help in the form of therapy. Eyuck! So many of us refuse that route. So many of us have had bad experiences, but so many of us have indeed gone that route and found great success - a lot of the time it's about finding the right program and type of treatment, but we are not beyond help

In your statements I'm seeing a lot of evidence of distorted thinking. We have reasoned a lot of things to be fact through it and instead it's a product of how we've decided it to be and we're suffering from our reactions to it. I learned about this through my Cognitive Behavior therapy that my therapist used with me. It was a breakthrough for me when dealing with my depression and subsequent struggles in life due to it.

I learned how to identify how I was feeling about something. I learned how to put it through the criteria to see if it was based in fact and then I learned to decide what to do about it.
I can tell from where you're at right now you have a whole list of arguments against it. I've been there.
I listened and gave it a try because I recognized that if I was there with a therapist I should at least honor that moment because otherwise I was being disingenuous with myself for being there.

This is your time and this is your life. Ultimately it does boil down to what you do with it and what you try to do with it.

This much I will say.
You've declared that you've failed at modeling and that you've been at it for three years. I've been on Model Mayhem longer than that and I'm not some world renowned photographer. Heck, I'm not even really doing much of anything at all with my photography at the moment, but that's not the point. The point is success is defined by a set of criteria that we place on something to be accomplished. What is failure? Not meeting that criteria.
Failed at modeling? Could it be that the criteria hasn't been properly established so that you will succeed? Who makes that criteria? You do.
No, you don't make the rules for what a model does, but you do decide what is going to be success and what isn't. That's part of the criteria.

So I'm not suggesting that you give modeling another go. Only you can decide that. What I am suggesting is that label that you've applied to yourself of failed model(or anything for that matter) is something that distorted thinking is using against you in an effort to devalue yourself.
That needs to be checked, stopped and put away.
You haven't failed at anything. You've not reached a desired goal, but you haven't failed.

Many of us struggling with depression disorders have words and phrases like "failure" "it will never happen" "I can't" always running around with us. These words and phrases have logic all to themselves for purposes defined and not so clear, but mostly they're there tripping us up like cords and ropes tangling our legs denying our steps.

Have you ever wrapped yourself up in a sheet and tried to run across a room or down a hallway? Depending on how it's wrapped and how we try to keep that sheet wrapped around us our journey can be an ambiguous and clumsy one. Our depression can be like that sheet. Depending on how we're wrapped up in it we can struggle so mightily in it just to see where we're going.

But the sheet is not us and it's not our lives. We didn't choose to get wrapped up in it, but we can manage our time with it.

Long words, lots of things said. Sorry to be so long, but I hope you've read it all and given serious consideration.

For what it's worth, many times I get so fed up with all these challenges I have in my life I wish for death just so they would be done with. I'm well versed in wanting to shut down.

Suicide is not chosen. It happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
You can overcome your pain. It's not about getting back to some normal happy state. It's about taking control of your life and living it.

The reason I woke up this morning is because I have not yet reached that one last reservation in me to make a noose and hang myself. It is not due to some divine miracle or purpose. I woke up because I'm 20 something years old and normally 20 something year old don't/rarely die in their sleep for no apparent reason.

However with each "new day" the urge to kill myself grows stronger and I grow more unhibited: hitting myself, scratching my wrists, looking up methods of suicide. My situation is not improving (despite my active attempts to improve it)and I am progressively become more fed up with this whole nonsense of everything. I tried overcoming my pain, honestly I did, and it didn't work.

I need to stress that its quite hard to live life without enjoyment. I have no enjoyment. I tried to create enjoyment and it didn't work. I cannot fathom how to live life anymore nor do I really care about doing so.

No. Failure means failure. Like failing a test. Or failing to wake up on time. I don't really want to complicate the definition. I failed at modeling. Period. It's not like I went into it saying to myself "I'm going to be the next Adriana Lima". I'm short, have a thin body (no boobs, no butt), and an average face so I knew my options were limited from the get-go.

So I went into glamour modeling, figuring you don't need to be a certain height for that. Maybe I will be marginally successful. I went to shoots, did my thing...and while criticism is wonderful no matter how many new and improved shoots I tried to do, nobody saw me as gorgeous enough, marktable enough, this or that enough. So my passion for modeling quickly started ebbing away. I had photogs telling me I had a very "girl-next-door" look, even though I wanted to be viewed at as sexy/glamorous. I had actually asked photogs how I could be that way and I've literally had several tell me "you can't be". So, already seeing myself as undesirable, unsexy, and quite hideous, with the added frustration of feeling inadequate and constantly comparing myself to other models on here/other girls in general I decided to give up.

I am nothing special. I am nobody's friend. I am ugly. I am a waste of life. I wish I was dead.

BelezaModel wrote:
The reason I woke up this morning is because I have not yet reached that one last reservation in me to make a noose and hang myself. It is not due to some divine miracle or purpose. I woke up because I'm 20 something years old and normally 20 something year old don't/rarely die in their sleep for no apparent reason.

However with each "new day" the urge to kill myself grows stronger and I grow more unhibited: hitting myself, scratching my wrists, looking up methods of suicide. My situation is not improving (despite my active attempts to improve it)and I am progressively become more fed up with this whole nonsense of everything. I tried overcoming my pain, honestly I did, and it didn't work.

I need to stress that its quite hard to live life without enjoyment. I have no enjoyment. I tried to create enjoyment and it didn't work. I cannot fathom how to live life anymore nor do I really care about doing so.

No. Failure means failure. Like failing a test. Or failing to wake up on time. I don't really want to complicate the definition. I failed at modeling. Period. It's not like I went into it saying to myself "I'm going to be the next Adriana Lima". I'm short, have a thin body (no boobs, no butt), and an average face so I knew my options were limited from the get-go.

So I went into glamour modeling, figuring you need to be a certain height for that. Maybe I will be marginally successful. I went to shoots, did my thing...and while criticism is wonderful no matter how many new and improved shoots I tried to do, nobody saw me as gorgeous enough, marktable enough, this or that enough. So my passion for modeling quickly started ebbing away. I had photogs telling me I had a very "girl-next-door" look, even though I wanted to be viewed at as sexy/glamorous. I had actually asked photogs how I could be that way and I've literally had several tell me "you can't be". So, already seeing myself as undesirable, unsexy, and quite hideous, with the added frustration of feeling inadequate and constantly comparing myself to other models on here/other girls in general I decided to give up.

I am nothing special. I am nobody's friend. I am ugly. I am a waste of life. I wish I was dead.

"I am nothing special. I am nobody's friend. I am ugly. I am a waste of life. I wish I was dead."
Yeah, I find myself feeling that way at times, still. Demand it as much as we want, but it's not the truth.

Everything you've said here are the words of someone who is suffering from severe depression and is in the stranglehold of suicide. I said before that you would argue back against me. You denying my statements and listing your reasons for your beliefs is what we do. I've been there many, many times. Maybe not in your feet, but done and said all the same things.

You've embraced your pain. Wallowing in it as it seems to be the only thing holding you. Trying to beat it is extremely hard. It's hella hard. That's makes things more painful, so we would rather just hold onto that pain rather than deal with the uncertainty of getting it away. To wit we become comfortable with it.

You're not telling me anything I haven't heard already many, many times before and the person I heard it from the most was myself. You can reason what you want, but you can overcome.

What frustrates me about this virtual world is that I can't physically sit with someone when I really want or need to.

So much about life you don't understand. So much you can't see. The pain is driving you down. It's about blinding you. It's raping you.

I've had the suicide plan worked out many times. Spent months forcing myself to stay in my bed at night because I knew that if I got up I was going to throw myself off my balcony.

Now you're here telling us these things.  You probably want it to be known about your pain not so that someone will lead you to a fix, but so that we can see when you're gone why you were in so much pain. You're refuting all these things folks on here have said with that "well it doesn't/won't work for me" stance.

Yes it can. Yes it will.

Make that call. 1-800-273-8255 Go ahead and cry. Let them know. They can get you to someone who can help.

I know about that lost hope. I know about no longer seeing the point.

You said for over twenty years you've just messed up and failed. I looked back on thirty-five when I hit the bottom. I felt like that, too.

I made one call that day (not sure why I did). Someone kept me going. I'm glad they did. Twenty years later and it's a lot better... and I matter to this world.

I'm asking you right now to do the same as I did. Make that call. You do matter to this world.