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Who Has Elderly Parents?
My mother celebrated her 93rd birthday a couple of weeks ago. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that although her body is weak & her hands are stiff, her mind is still sharp. A couple of days ago, she fell in the kitchen & bumped her head. She couldn't get up, but she has one of those Life Alert buttons, so the paramedics came & took her to the hospital. My sister & brother-in-law are with her now. Mom is now easily confused, and she changes her mind frequently. After a handful of days, she's home now, along with new in-home nursing care. But goodness -- it is very trying having an elderly parent! Anyone want to commiserate? Oct 03 15 12:59 pm Link I've already lost both of my parents. I also lost my very close uncle two weeks ago, but I've been through everything you are talking about. My father was in pretty good health until the doctors decided that at 82, he should have a triple bypass. He walked into the hospital and then never walked again. He spent eight years as a partial invalid. He started in assisted living and ended up in a nursing home. Until the day he died, his mind was sharp but his body was worthless. It is difficult watching a strong, proud parent go through it. I can relate, very much, to what you are going through. My uncle was an athlete (he would have been a major league pitcher had WWII not intervened), he was a war hero, he was a VA administrative law judge and strong as an ox until he fell and broke a hip. Right up until that point, he took care of himself, drove a car and helped the family. The hip put him in an assisted living facility and suddenly he was dependent. Just keep your spirits up. I know it is tough but old age is something we are all going to have to go through. Oct 03 15 01:25 pm Link My father is 70 and he is in good health, but mentally sometimes sharp and then the next day he can seem like an entirely different person, verbally abusive and zero recollection of plans and conversations and all kinds of important things. I went thru a lot with my Grandparents, a lot! They were like parents to me, they pretty much raised me and I lived with them and was extremely close with them. It's heartbreaking to see someone u love who was once so strong and independent lose their independence and have to depend on u to even hold a straw for them or try to make sense out of a sentence they are struggling to put together. Oct 03 15 01:51 pm Link Kelli wrote: My dad died with Alzheimers in 2001, at 84. In the early 1990s, I noticed that he started having trouble finishing his sentences. Later, he would wander off & get lost. He had abusive streaks. Later, he lost all ability to communicate. Alzheimer's -- it's the worst. Oct 03 15 02:39 pm Link My Mom is 73, my Dad is 87. My Dad has the beginning of dementia. He is sharp when he talks to me, yet I don't see him 24/7. He forgot his own daughter (my half-sister recently). Maybe easier to do so because they don't speak anymore. My Mom is overloaded and I get the brunt of her frustration. It is painful and truly unfair. My father loves me very much but never spent a lot of time with me. Now he wants to spend time with me after a lifetime. My Mom threw a tantrum yesterday so I guess that's not going to happen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKjfjO2Y1H4 Oct 03 15 02:39 pm Link Kelli wrote: I'm sorry for your situation too. Oct 03 15 02:48 pm Link Some of the elder abuse to their kids may result from drugs (e.g. Hospice morphine patches!), or them wanting to distance themselves as they know they are dying. Dying for some is rather personal and they want to distance themselves, others not so much. My grandmother was awful near the end and kept getting kicked out of old folks and nursing homes for being that way (Smothered her snoring roommate with a pillow, and scratched the eye out of one nurse.). Mom followed her style, but not as bad. They said some pretty unbelievable things to their nurses and aids they'd likely not say in their right mind, but the workers in the homes said the drugs were a lot of it too. Mind just goes bad. Mom was okay until she fell and busted a hip on a carpeted floor. Hip bones were like toast at 85. No way can they pin them and it pretty much did her in too. More odd was my master teacher who died and then her husband died 24 hours later. He just shut down after his wife died. School secretary thought it was odd their funeral was on the same day. She thinks people have some innate ability just to turn off and die since nothing odd shows up medically like cancer or heart disease, etc. They just turn off. Dad died and his heart was still beating strong. He had a pacemaker and they had to go in and pull the battery out of it to stop it. Freaked my sister out as all the various LCD panels indicated the sundry organs were shutting down, but the heart LCD panel was still going strong. Creepy stuff, and you do not want to go into the death chambers of your local hospital if you can avoid it. Easy to spot and hear the smokers drowning in there. I don't know how people can work in that area. Has to be depressing, or they just block it all out somehow. Oct 03 15 03:59 pm Link My dad is 81 and my mom is 79. They have a house in Ohio, a farm in Kentucky, and a trailer on Lake Marion in Florida where they spend the winters. My dad takes care of all their properties his self. Their both is really good shape, my mom is on a lot of med's, but my dad takes a couple different pills a day. They drive straight thru from Cincinnati to South of Orlando when ever they make the trip here. Neither one can sit still, they have to be doing something all the time. When their down here my dad has to fish everyday. He use to miss a few days due to rain, but I bought him a motorcycle rain suit to take care of that. His brother is 83 and trims trees for people. My grandfather on my mom's side had never been in a hospital till he was 82, he was putting in a fence post and broke his hip. Oct 03 15 04:27 pm Link Looknsee Photography wrote: Yea, I can commiserate... went through that with my mother-in-law who passed a few years ago at 93. She had kept two cancers (both were stage 4) at bay for ten years, and kept working the whole time. She stopped treatment the last year so she could make a big trip for her work, and the cancer went crazy at that point. Her mind was still sharp, and she lots of projects on her to-do list... and she had an unlimited quantity of fight left in her. Oct 03 15 05:02 pm Link My mother passed away 2 years ago....she had COPD. she stopped smoking when she was 50 when she woke up one morning and couldn't breath. she quit then and she had a nice slow slide from being active and fine......to having a bit of trouble breathing..to just needing an inhaler......to then finally needing to carry an oxygen tank full time...till it got to the point, she couldnt even breath with the oxygen tank. she could only breath with the help of a tube down her throat in the hospital. it was difficult to watch, until she finally passed. dont smoke. it catches up to you when you finally have retired and should be traveling...and relaxing. imagine never being able to catch your breath. anyways she looks down on me my father and brother now. Oct 03 15 05:12 pm Link Lost both mine while in their 70's. I can relate. Oct 03 15 06:01 pm Link When I was young, I thought of dealing with my parents, when they got older as a physical thing. Helping them with yard work, groceries, fixing the house, etc. No one ever tells you that it is the mental issues, memory and other decline, and difficulty to communicate that would be the big hurdles to overcome. And add in the decisions to deal with difference of opinion with family members. Oct 03 15 06:15 pm Link GRMACK wrote: I have a defibrilating pacemaker and that is exactly my greatest fear. Mine, I'm assured, will try to revive me six times, then give up. It's at least a little comfort. Oct 03 15 06:39 pm Link Looknsee Photography wrote: I lost my dad in 1999, my mom a few years later. What the experience taught me is that at some point, the roles reverse and the child becomes somewhat of a parent for their parents. Oct 03 15 07:15 pm Link theres totally unexpected things you forget about also when a parent dies. my mother used to make the most incredible pizza...the tomato sauce was somehow spicy, very distinctive taste she would surprise me with it every now and then....and I realized after she passed...I will...never..ever ..have that pizza again. Oct 03 15 07:43 pm Link  Oct 03 15 07:50 pm Link My dad's 84th birthday would be today. He passed away 10 years ago of stage 4 colon cancer. He ignored the warning signs for years and on his deathbed with just about the last of his strength he pulled me close and said "you're going to have that camera run up your ass, there's no way I'm letting this happen to you". Mom turns 84 next month. Until last December she was sharp as a tack and was often mistaken for a 55-60 year old. Then she slipped and broke her knee. The recovery had her bed bound for nearly four months and in that time she aged mentally easily 10-15 years. She now acts 75 age which is hard to see when someone was always vibrant. But 10 months later she is driving and getting out again, hopefully she'll continue to spring back. Oct 03 15 08:08 pm Link My dad died at 83 years. My mom died at 99 years. Oct 03 15 08:15 pm Link They're not there yet but I dread the day they are. My grandfather on my moms side was okay until my grandmother died, he didn't express his grief with sadness so much as stubbornness and general unhappiness at the world. The cartilage in his spine deteriorated and they had to operate on him, and for some stupid reason he was under the impression that he would get out of surgery and walk away fine, not that he would be bed ridden for a reasonable amount of recovery time after someone operates on your SPINE and then he'd have to undergo months and months of physical therapy. He just didn't feel like doing that, so he became wheelchair bound. He wouldn't do any physical therapy or exercise in his chair, so he got worse instead of staying the same or getting better. He refused even simple things like not dragging his feet and keeping them on the step things instead. He had to move in with my aunt and uncle and he treated them like shit because he was just so pissed off. My cousin became a nurse and he basically treated her like his personal nurse, forget the part where she did that for a living all day every day. He stopped doing anything to care for himself and basically became a huge toddler. My uncle had his shoulder torn out because my grandfather just randomly decided to become dead weight for no reason as they were getting him out of the car one day. Eventually they had to put him in a home. Who of course treated him like shit, but there wasn't another option. His dementia was starting to show up before he was moved to the nursing home and he was extremely unhappy about everything once he got there. Eventually the doctor put him on antidepressants, so at least he wasn't positively cruel to anyone. By the time he passed we were in the 1970s or 80s, my mother was married to her first husband, my sister and I didn't exist and he had no idea who we were, and the people he did know still were 50/50, he'd know you one second, you turn your head, you turn back around and he didn't know you at all. I basically expect my parents to be the same. They're already in pretty bad bodily health and will need more help than my sister or I could provide (even if we lived close, which we don't). Mom tells us to just take her out back and shoot her. Oct 03 15 09:48 pm Link Looknsee Photography wrote: My ex-mother-in-law, is 87 now, she is suffering Alzheimer's for ten years. Oct 04 15 02:01 am Link Mom died at 81. She went to a routine medical appt in the morning, came home, fixed lunch for Dad and herself, did the dishes and sat down for a cuppa tea. She had a massive heart attack and was gone by 6pm. No previous heart problems, no family history... It was a brutal shock, and devastated Dad. His health went into decline, and over the next 3 years he was in and out of the hospital several times. One morning I called and couldnt get him on the phone, raced over to the house and found him on the floor out cold...I moved in to care for him at that point, over his objections...He didnt want to be dependent on anyone. The last year was tough, he was failing, he knew it and he didnt want to accept it. The terminal stay in the hospital went on for almost 4 months, and then he was gone at 86. That last 4 months was a brutal grind, I was going thru radiation treatments, so wasnt feeling great, but I was determined to be with him every day. It was a defining moment for me when I began making decisions for him, because he no longer could... I think it is easy for us "kids" to forget about our parents emotional health as their physical health declines. Dad was always active, couldnt sit still. When his body failed him, he was frustrated, and irritable at times. Mom and Dad had been together for over 60 years. I hadnt thought about it until then, but with her gone, he was living alone for the first time in his life. He had a bunch of brothers he grew up with, then into the Navy for WWII, then home and marriage and a family. He was not only missing her, he was lonely. Oct 04 15 04:10 am Link Blue Cube Imaging wrote: I wonder what the warning signs were. I just had a friend tell me she...was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer...she told me the only thing that made her feel something was wrong was extreme fatigue. not sure if there were embarrassing symptoms she didnt want to tell me about. I have to say, these kinds of diagnosis are the ones I'm afraid of...where you go to the doctor fairly healthy one day,.... and then you find you've somehow passed stage 1-3 unknowingly ....and your told... you are stage 4. geeez Oct 04 15 05:54 am Link Looknsee Photography wrote: My Mother is 85 yo now, and this year her memory is failing fast. In fact I will be in NYC this week to meet with the in-home nursing care person for her, a few hours a day every day will be good for her and put some peace in my mind. Things are much easier if she willing to move down to Maryland to live with us, so that I can take care of her indefinitely. But it was not an option and I gave up the idea long ago. Oct 04 15 06:56 am Link rfordphotos wrote: Excellent. Good good you. ) Oct 04 15 07:00 am Link rfordphotos wrote: It's good to know how to 'be' alone. Parents forget the emotional health of their 'kids'. That's why it's good to be a fully present, emotionally healthy father, mother, brother, sister, etc. in LIFE. Not everyone has a life partner and it can be lonely a single individual - young/old or anywhere inbetween. Oct 04 15 08:15 am Link My mom died last year at 88. It was pretty difficult at the end although we didn't know it was the end until it happened. She died very suddenly of sepsis, which is a serious blood poisoning that leads to total organ failure. She felt sick, collapsed, went in the ambulance and coded twice - they told us she only made it to the hospital because they didn't know she had a DNR. Then they told me she probably would not live more than two hours and were surprised when she opened her eyes and was alert and aware. But by the next morning she was on total life support and died that evening. She had been attacked and mugged in a Walmart parking lot by three heroin addicts at age 79 and that incident ruined her life. She never drove again and was not able to live on her own. She had been independent - driving, traveling, working in the house until then. Between the injuries they caused and all the surgeries, she was never the same. The perpetrators were all out of prison within 14 months. Anyway it got pretty difficult near the end because her physical abilities were limited and she kind of gave up interest in many things. Although she was sharp as a tack for the most part. She just didn't find joy in things anymore. The cause of my mom's sepsis was not determined but we do know it wasn't caused by a UTI, which is the normal reason and which leads to death in many cases. So you people with elderly parents - it's very very important to monitor their bathroom health. They may not realize they have a UTI - it presents differently in the elderly than in a younger person. Oct 04 15 09:10 am Link Tony From Syracuse wrote: With my MIL, she one night had a terrific stomach ache... so bad that she called her doctor (which was unusual for her to do) and he said take 2 aspirin and if she still felt bad in 6 hours to go to the ER. She waited exactly 6 hours, then had us take her to the ER. She nearly died, as the cancer (which she had no clue she had up until that point) had perforated her colon. That was stage 4 at that point. She began chemo for that, and not long after that discovered she had stage 4 lymphoma as well... which required a completely different mix of chemicals for treatment, so she had to alternate treatments back and forth to deal with the 2 cancers... for the next ten year.s Oct 04 15 09:17 am Link Looknsee Photography wrote: Alzheimers was one of the things my Grandfather was dealing with. It is an incredibly ugly disease that no one deserves to endure or witness. Oct 08 15 09:01 am Link Jules NYC wrote: TY Jules. Oct 08 15 09:03 am Link Tony From Syracuse wrote: There's a lesson there -- cook with your parents, focusing on your favorite dishes. I've done that, and I have a little homemade cookbook with a few dozen of our favorite recipes. No matter how old you are, it's never too late to cook with your parents. Oct 08 15 02:24 pm Link It's been a week+ since my mother fell. She's doing better, but she's still skewed. We have an aide visiting her for a few hours during the day & another who spends the night -- that'll go on for a couple weeks. Mom is combative with us, but if her doctor tells her that she needs to do something, she'll do it (and complain to us). Sometimes I just think it's a parent's revenge for all the times she had to clean up after me. But the good news is that she is gradually getting better. Oct 08 15 02:30 pm Link My Dad had a heart attack. I spent all day in the hospital. Holy shit. What a day. Oct 08 15 08:14 pm Link Today? Wow. Hope he recovers! Sometimes as bad and as exausting as it was having a long hospital stay where my mother was slowly dying,in some ways I felt blessed that we had alot of time to talk seriously about things that were never said. The ones I feel for are those who lose loved ones pass away unexpectedly and you always wished you coud say more. How is it looking? Oct 09 15 12:39 pm Link my mom is doing ok at 74. but her vision is limited so she doesn't leave her house unless my sister drops by which happens every couple weeks. mostly she plays world of warcraft. sometimes she will ask the same question several times during a conversation which is a bit of a concern. my dad at 75 has had a bunch of medical procedures lately (such as stopping and restarting his heart) but seems to be getting through those ok and recently went on a fly-fishing trip. he does complain about short-term memory. both my dad and my stepmom have had falls in the last year. my father-in-law was out painting his garage and working on a move to south dakota when he died from a heart attack at age 83 i think it was. my boss at work just died suddenly from bone cancer at 74. up until the last six months he was bow hunting and golfing. if it got to the point where i was no longer useful to anyone (or in lots of non-treatable pain) then i think i'd prefer to be done. no point laying around being a burden. Oct 09 15 04:09 pm Link Kelli wrote: Thank you Kelli. Oct 11 15 06:14 pm Link About a year after my dad passed away it got to where my mom could not safely live alone. Even though I had three older brothers at the time and they all lived within 20 miles of her it was I who moved 120 miles to take care of her. At first she was mobile and it was pretty easy. So, I opened a studio! Bad idea. Her health slowly declined and she didn't need to be alone for long. Again, my family was of no help. Her doctor and I agreed that it had gotten to the point that she needed to be in a nursing home. Thank God there was a really good one attached the the Baptist Hospital. Once again, family was no where to be seen. I'm told this is very common. That one family member steps up while the rest hide. I loved my mom very much. And some of the time we had together was wonderful. But her disease caused her to get confused and angry. She would take it out on me. It hurt. She would say things that she knew would hurt me. I am still messed up from the stress from that point in my life. From 1992-95 or so. Oct 14 15 10:42 pm Link |
