R A V E N D R I V E wrote:
wait wait wait

a little lost:


you want kids, but may be infertile

he doesn't want kids, but IS infertile



correct?

No, I want kids, but have had a fear of being infertile (based on nothing rational). To deal with this fear, I made a conscious decision for myself, just in case.

Patrick Walberg wrote:

You are 26 years old ... my mom became pregnant with my youngest brother at age 43 and my dad was 55.   At your young age, why are you so sure of of your clock winding down?  Also ... why do you really want children?

Biology? Instinct? A natural desire to propagate the species?

Frances Jewel wrote:
OP, either get over it, or leave. It is that simple.


I agree with the person that posted above, I don't understand why people try and force a relationship that isn't what they truly want. Setting yourself up for failure.

If the relationship was forced, it would be a different matter. We are, for the time being, happy together. We came together in a natural, fluid way, and our closeness has been joyful. We help each other grow. We support each other. We dream together. We share a home.

So, no. It's not that simple.

immateria wrote:

If the relationship was forced, it would be a different matter. We are, for the time being, happy together. We came together in a natural, fluid way, and our closeness has been joyful. We help each other grow. We support each other. We dream together. We share a home.

So, no. It's not that simple.

no, it really is. If you love each other, it shouldn't matter where your kids come from. Adopt, tons of kids needs good homes. If having sex is THE only way in which you believe you should have children, find someone who can give them to you that way. You will will hold this resentment and eventually it will eat away at your relationship. If you relationship is as perfect as you say it is, and you BOTH want kids and can't, adopt. Tada. Or, get a dog.

Frances Jewel wrote:
no, it really is. If you love each other, it shouldn't matter where your kids come from. Adopt, tons of kids needs good homes. If having sex is THE only way in which you believe you should have children, find someone who can give them to you that way. You will will hold this resentment and eventually it will eat away at your relationship. If you relationship is as perfect as you say it is, and you BOTH want kids and can't, adopt. Tada. Or, get a dog.

This is nonsense.

It isn't nonsense that there are plenty of kids who could use a wonderful home because its true.  Also, it's not nonsense that resentment can eat away at you. 

But the idea that if they love EACH OTHER that from whence come their kids should not matter in the slightest… well that's a bunch of malarkey. 

You can't put such a stipulation on the love of two people because you don't know them.  That's like saying “Well, if the two of you REALLY love each other you'll both start going to a Buddhist temple.”  That's ridiculous.  Their love for one another is independent of the origin of children. 

Now, I see it as an irreconcilable difference but they're not connected.  What's more, two people who love each other and don't want to adopt shouldnt fucking have to.  I dated a girl who was adopted.  Her parents wanted a son, adopted her brother and decided to adopt her as well as not to break up a sibling group.  She has a horrible relationship with her extended family.  Older adults would shun her and say her parents didn't want her (they had a natural born daughter).  She'd fight with her mom all the time. 

I wouldn't wish an unwilling family on any child and you want two people who front want to adopt to do it??  That's madness.  How about encouraging people to adopt older kids (who have trouble getting adopted) or to adopt in the US (because people so frequently want to adopt overseas whole kids here don't have families).

She doesn't want to adopt.  Stop guilting her into doing it.  Easy for you to chastise them when you don't have to live with their choices.

Kincaid Blackwood wrote:

This is nonsense.

It isn't nonsense that there are plenty of kids who could use a wonderful home because its true.  Also, it's not nonsense that resentment can eat away at you. 

But the idea that if they love EACH OTHER that from whence come their kids should not matter in the slightest… well that's a bunch of malarkey. 

You can't put such a stipulation on the love of two people because you don't know them.  That's like saying “Well, if the two of you REALLY love each other you'll both start going to a Buddhist temple.”  That's ridiculous.  Their love for one another is independent of the origin of children. 

Now, I see it as an irreconcilable difference but they're not connected.  What's more, two people who love each other and don't want to adopt shouldnt fucking have to.  I dated a girl who was adopted.  Her parents wanted a son, adopted her brother and decided to adopt her as well as not to break up a sibling group.  She has a horrible relationship with her extended family.  Older adults would shun her and say her parents didn't want her (they had a natural born daughter).  She'd fight with her mom all the time. 

I wouldn't wish an unwilling family on any child and you want two people who front want to adopt to do it??  That's madness.  How about encouraging people to adopt older kids (who have trouble getting adopted) or to adopt in the US (because people so frequently want to adopt overseas whole kids here don't have families).

She doesn't want to adopt.  Stop guilting her into doing it.  Easy for you to chastise them when you don't have to live with their choices.

When this whole thread started it wasn't really mentioned that the OP's SO also may not WANT children until later on down the conversation.

No one is saying she has to adopt. She can use a sperm donor but has seemed to disregard that avenue because it isn't HIS sperm.

Now, many couples go through the disappointment of infertility and they don't find out until they are well into their relationship. I don't see many women dumping their long term partners after they discover they can't produce swimmers. They weigh their alternatives and decide accordingly.

If the OP puts aside the issue that her SO may not want children (and hey, maybe down the line he will) she is going to HAVE to accept that she can't have HIS child.

Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too.

immateria wrote:
Yeah, I am very much like you. My though process took a pretty big hit when this relationship started. It was unexpected.


And I know my thinking is outmoded. I wouldn't advise it on anyone else. I just think that there are enough people in the world. If I can't get pregnant naturally, then adoption is something I would otherwise turn to.

However, I am 26 years old, and far from being in a place where I think I would be a viable adoption candidate even if it was something my partner wanted.

I wouldn't say your thoughts are "outdated," they're just what you feel is right for you, much like how I vowed to never have a child out of wedlock because it just felt weird to me even though I've had plenty of friends have children before (and after and between) marriage(s) who are perfectly content. If you're against adoption and artificial-insemination for yourself, that's cool.

Anyways. My big point: if your thoughts "took a big hit" at first, you may be wise to follow that feeling. Our intuition knows so much more about ourselves than our silly brains do when we're in love. I'm not trying to be mean or pushy, but if you had that big of an impact when you first discovered the issue, I think children mean a fair more to you than I think you're thinking at the present. Yes, life can be very happy without kids. But...would YOU be happy without kids? You've mentioned you could "condition" yourself to be happy without them if you got into that mindset...but do you REALLY want to accept that fate?

Wish I could help more, you have some tough decisions ahead of you.

immateria wrote:
Biology? Instinct? A natural desire to propagate the species?

Those are interesting reasons.  Having children is a major sacrifice or at least it should be in my opinion.  It means that the parent(s) are in a position to provide all or at least most of the essentials needed by a baby, and through their growing years.  My parents planned us to an extent, but then they also were wonderful parents.  I'm not just saying that because I'm one of their sons.  So what about having a child for the child's sake because you have so much to share with him or her?

I enjoy being single.  I enjoy not having to be responsible for another human being.  I don't think I'm ready to make the sacrifices in time and money that it takes to raise children.  Perhaps I'm selfish, but at least I admit that.  When or if I have children, it will be for the sake of the children.  Not because I want to spread my genes around, or have bragging rights because of my kids.  I will be in a position where I can provide for them any amount of time required on my part as a father.  I'm just not ready to give up that time at this point in my life.  If I some how miss the boat, finding out I'm not able to have kids, I would still consider adoption as an option.  There are plenty of children born everyday to parent(s) I would likely call CPS on if I knew about the poor parenting those kids are getting.  Isn't our World population large enough?

Also, I should mention that I am an uncle to many ... and like a father figure to some others ... I like to be able to send the kids home to their biological parents after I'm tired of playing with their kids. 

Patrick Walberg wrote:
Those are interesting reasons.  Having children is a major sacrifice or at least it should be in my opinion.  It means that the parent(s) are in a position to provide all or at least most of the essentials needed by a baby, and through their growing years.  My parents planned us to an extent, but then they also were wonderful parents.  I'm not just saying that because I'm one of their sons.  So what about having a child for the child's sake because you have so much to share with him or her?

I enjoy being single.  I enjoy not having to be responsible for another human being.  I don't think I'm ready to make the sacrifices in time and money that it takes to raise children.  Perhaps I'm selfish, but at least I admit that.  When or if I have children, it will be for the sake of the children.  Not because I want to spread my genes around, or have bragging rights because of my kids.  I will be in a position where I can provide for them any amount of time required on my part as a father.  I'm just not ready to give up that time at this point in my life.  If I some how miss the boat, finding out I'm not able to have kids, I would still consider adoption as an option.  There are plenty of children born everyday to parent(s) I would likely call CPS on if I knew about the poor parenting those kids are getting.  Isn't our World population large enough?

Also, I should mention that I am an uncle to many ... and like a father figure to some others ... I like to be able to send the kids home to their biological parents after I'm tired of playing with their kids. 

I hear you on all of this.
It is not selfish not to want children.

That doesn't mean that one doesn't have all of the needed characteristics to be a wonderful mother or father. Perhaps even more.

I don't want children.
I don't want someone else's children.
I do know I'd be an incredible mother as I understand the heart of a child.
I just don't choose that life for me.

If I found the man I'd never leave forever, if he wanted children, truly wanted children... I'd respectfully step down.

Loving a child is the same as truly loving an adult. You ultimately care about their happiness.

That is why I respectfully disclose that I cannot have children nor do I want children with any man that I take seriously.