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Worst Air Disaster in Texas just happened!!!!
NEWS FLASH! - Texas' worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Texas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts along with ... President George W Bush! -------------------------------------------------- OK OK!!!! It'S A Joke! ROFLMAO! A model sent me these wicked Texas jokes, and she is from Texas! So don't get mad at me, I'm just trying to provide some comic relief here! Ok, here are some more .... ======================================== The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Texas women. =========================================== A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" ========================================= Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Texas was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Texas." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. ========================================== The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." ========================================= A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-81. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" __________________________________________________ A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I gotta flat tar." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Sep 16 05 01:00 am Link damn, i needed a laugh ,that tickled the funny bone for sure, well done. Sep 16 05 01:06 am Link My pleasure Doug! There are two things that give great pleasure .. laughter and orgasms! Now if I could get the two together and cause a "laughing orgasm" then I'd really have something! Well, maybe it could happen if I drop my pants? She takes one look, starts laughing and it's all over! LOL I get no respect, I tell ya! Sep 16 05 01:16 am Link patrick you little shYt..lol.. I almost got up and went to turn the news on lol..urgh....you trouble maker lmao... man i need to sleep..i am sooooooooooo tired lol TOO FUNNY PATRICK LOL Sep 16 05 01:19 am Link Kharizma wrote: Awww!!! I am naughty ... BUT glad to make you laugh! Sep 16 05 01:35 am Link Oh come on! Laughter is more f***ing important than Newsweek! I gotta say that this needs to be at the top before I go to bed and at the top when I wake up ... now if I nap for 10 minutes in the middle of the night, that might happen! Hey! I really do own the domain name LaughingOrgasm.Com ... do a 'Who is' search on GoDaddy.com and you will verify it. Only problem is "what the hell did I buy it for?" I must be getting old if I don't remember. Well, if anyone wants to buy it, you gotta have better jokes than me! Sep 16 05 02:48 am Link Patrick Walberg wrote: Yeeeehaw!!!! I love it Sep 16 05 02:53 am Link At a cattle convention a Texan and a Vermonter met at the bar. The Texan began the typical Texas brag, saying, "you can get up at sunrise and start driving across my ranch until the sun sets, and you still won't reach the other side. The Vermonter said, "eyah, I had a truck like that once." Sep 16 05 11:15 am Link Jefferson Dorsey wrote: ROFLMAO! Sep 16 05 12:12 pm Link A GREAT SALESMAN! This guy just started at his new job, working at a sex shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "£25." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "£25 for the black one, £25 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "£25." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "£25 for the white one, £25 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "£25 for the white, £25 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that tartan one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you £125." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really well, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos flask for £125!" Sep 16 05 01:48 pm Link The Lawyer Verus The Blonde A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. Sep 16 05 01:51 pm Link A set of Top Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer! 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" And first and foremost: 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Sep 16 05 02:16 pm Link OK THESE HAD ME ROTFLMAO!!! Marketing Slogans (Lost in Translation ...) 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels, depicting the contents, since many people can't read. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth." Sep 16 05 02:22 pm Link OK, since people seem so interested in God ... here is proof that God has a sense of humor! Heavenly Transportation Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to your wife?" Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply." "As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce." The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?" "Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day." St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac." As the man takes the keys from him St. Peter turns to the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?" "St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much." "Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter. Some time later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his bicycle up next to the car and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibly be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive around in?" "I know," says the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife on roller skates!" ---------------------------------------------------- Now this one is special for this Model Mayhem site! The Sin Of Vanity The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake." Sep 16 05 03:26 pm Link Damn! I'm in trouble now! I best stop playing with myself adn get some work done! OK, there is always time for one more joke! ---------------------------------------------- Why The Internet Is Like A Penis It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Sep 16 05 03:30 pm Link Patrick Walberg wrote: when nixon ran for president a gop bumper sticker asserted, "you can't lick our dick!" Sep 16 05 05:41 pm Link Did you hear about the four Texas A&M Aggies they found frozen to death at the drive in theatre? They had gone to see "Closed for the Season". P.S. I'm a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin, so I gotta know aggie jokes! Sep 16 05 05:47 pm Link qphotonyc wrote: In Spanish a Chevy Nova means no go-- "No va". GM had to change the name of the car. Sep 16 05 06:00 pm Link |
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