The Silencing Machine wrote:
Everything I want to ask you is too personal to post on a forum.

Prude.

-ASYLUM- wrote:

Prude.

Not a prude.  You should know that.

JayBC wrote:
Should we rename this the Heather / Asylum flirt thread???

This is not flirting.  You should SEE us flirt.  But that might make you uncomfortable.

-ASYLUM- wrote:
So, yes, I'm a perv. I have a lot of fun on MM forums, but its really just a shell personality, something to just hide whats a little deeper. But I have fun anywho.

So.... if you want to get beyond that... here is your chance. Ask questions, I shall answer as best I can in a fairly serious manner for once.

what's the most depressing relationship(a real one, you whore, you, not a one night stand) you've ever had?

Photos By Becks wrote:

what's the most depressing relationship(a real one, you whore, you, not a one night stand) you've ever had?

Wow.

That's a good one.

The most depressing one... that's tough... I think the toughest one was the one that I wasn't in. I've hinted about it before on the forums, but haven't really ever discussed it.

I met a girl, Sandra, in college. Brazilian, her parents Italian and Japanese, completely exotic. She was incredibly artistic, very wise in social situations of the world, and a lot of fun in general. I instantly fell for her, hard. She inspired me, she was my muse, everything I created was her. I knew her for a couple months and then finally came up with the balls to ask her out for Valentines. And of course... she was basically engaged. I didn't stop hanging out with her after that, in fact we ended up getting very very close, so close most thought we were a very serious couple. We basically did everything that a relationship has... besides the physicalities. She mostly expressed great displeasure with her relationship, and wanted to leave it, but essentially couldn't for various weak reasons. It was tough, frustrating, and painful.

As time went on the boyfriend got more abusive towards her and we had to be sneakier about hanging out. Eventually she got physically abused, and instead of doing something pro-active, instead my guilt meter went into overdrive and it was my fault she was being hurt. I loved her. The only person, ever, that I have loved truly and fully. The idea that her knowing me, was hurting her, killed me. I broke down, and couldn't look at myself in the mirror any more, I destroyed all photos of me, and I moved out to the east coast (this was all in San Diego), 5 years ago.

Yeah.

JayBC wrote:
Should we rename this the Heather / Asylum flirt thread???

Nope!

-ASYLUM- wrote:

Wow.

That's a good one.

The most depressing one... that's tough... I think the toughest one was the one that I wasn't in. I've hinted about it before on the forums, but haven't really ever discussed it.

I met a girl, Sandra, in college. Brazilian, her parents Italian and Japanese, completely exotic. She was incredibly artistic, very wise in social situations of the world, and a lot of fun in general. I instantly fell for her, hard. She inspired me, she was my muse, everything I created was her. I knew her for a couple months and then finally came up with the balls to ask her out for Valentines. And of course... she was basically engaged. I didn't stop hanging out with her after that, in fact we ended up getting very very close, so close most thought we were a very serious couple. We basically did everything that a relationship has... besides the physicalities. She mostly expressed great displeasure with her relationship, and wanted to leave it, but essentially couldn't for various weak reasons. It was tough, frustrating, and painful.

As time went on the boyfriend got more abusive towards her and we had to be sneakier about hanging out. Eventually she got physically abused, and instead of doing something pro-active, instead my guilt meter went into overdrive and it was my fault she was being hurt. I loved her. The only person, ever, that I have loved truly and fully. The idea that her knowing me, was hurting her, killed me. I broke down, and couldn't look at myself in the mirror any more, I destroyed all photos of me, and I moved out to the east coast (this was all in San Diego), 5 years ago.

Yeah.

that's intense sweetie... wow.

-ASYLUM- wrote:
Well this is traveling far.

what was your worst sexual experience?

Tattooed Beauty Queen wrote:

what was your worst sexual experience?

I can tell you what it wasn't.

The Silencing Machine wrote:

I can tell you what it wasn't.

hahaha nice

EL Perdido wrote:
It wasnt pie

PIE!! I like blackberry pie!

-ASYLUM- wrote:

Wow.

That's a good one.

The most depressing one... that's tough... I think the toughest one was the one that I wasn't in. I've hinted about it before on the forums, but haven't really ever discussed it.

I met a girl, Sandra, in college. Brazilian, her parents Italian and Japanese, completely exotic. She was incredibly artistic, very wise in social situations of the world, and a lot of fun in general. I instantly fell for her, hard. She inspired me, she was my muse, everything I created was her. I knew her for a couple months and then finally came up with the balls to ask her out for Valentines. And of course... she was basically engaged. I didn't stop hanging out with her after that, in fact we ended up getting very very close, so close most thought we were a very serious couple. We basically did everything that a relationship has... besides the physicalities. She mostly expressed great displeasure with her relationship, and wanted to leave it, but essentially couldn't for various weak reasons. It was tough, frustrating, and painful.

As time went on the boyfriend got more abusive towards her and we had to be sneakier about hanging out. Eventually she got physically abused, and instead of doing something pro-active, instead my guilt meter went into overdrive and it was my fault she was being hurt. I loved her. The only person, ever, that I have loved truly and fully. The idea that her knowing me, was hurting her, killed me. I broke down, and couldn't look at myself in the mirror any more, I destroyed all photos of me, and I moved out to the east coast (this was all in San Diego), 5 years ago.

Yeah.

sound like something i would've done.  and we both know it was the wrong thing to do.  you should have kicked that dirtbag's fucking ass and rode off into the suset with the object of your affection.

that's not a dump, brother, that's just coming from someone that's just like you.......

sorry.  i hangs doesn't it?

Miss Anna Evans wrote:
Jason, what brought you to this point?

By which I mean, why are you so alternately excited about making art, and then completely disillusioned with your ability to do so?

I don't understand it, because I know you're a damn good photographer, and when you're not pretending to be more perverted than you really are, you're a total doll.

I'm not really sure what has triggered it.

It's partially been a trend, and it's partially other things in life right now.

The trend:

I started with illustration, as a kid up to my teens I was always drawing... for my age I was well on my way to doing something along the lines of being a comic book illustrator.  I was constantly improving, and getting better... and then..  it just stopped. I don't know, I just lost my drive for it. I still appreciate illustrations, I still wish I could draw... but I lost desire for it, and I'm not sure if its there anymore. I have a feeling its the fear that I get to a point where it's really tough to break through a level of improvement, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to break through it. So I stop instead of failing.

In high school I picked up both Photography and Computer Graphics. I got really good at graphic design, more in the page layout and photography manipulation aspects. I wasn't necessarily a good photographer, more I just used pictures as a starting point to do create something else. For the technology I had, and the level I was at, I was getting good again, and was on my way to probably being a successful graphic designer. I was chosen by my department to be the tutor, and to also work for the school as the only hired student graphic designer. I also won the art department's student of the year. I tutored students who were in university (I was going through my AS because thats all I could afford, looking to transfer), and teaching the teachers things. I got to a point where again, there was a level and a wall, that I would have had to get through to really get to that success point. Also, on top of that, I was incredibly jaded by the workplace surrounding Graphic Design. Essentially the real world was much different than the class room. In the real world I couldn't design what I wanted, I had to make what someone else wanted, and I often disagreed with that. So again... fear. And added this time, not being happy with the way it worked in the real world.

Photography I started picking up in a more serious sense after I dropped graphic design. It started as doing random crap photography. Shooting whatever fits my fancy, lots of landscapes, macros, architecture, etc. Just appreciating the world around me and the beauty that it brings. I had a passing interest in model photography, but whenever I wanted to, I happened to be dating someone who was essentially against it, and I couldn't. Jan 2007, I dated someone who really broke my trust at a time in my life where I was very weak. So I essentially swore off dating etc for 2007 so that I could concentrate on photography. I ran into my good friend Kira on here sometime in early 2007, and we started talking, and I shot her about literally a year ago. The pictures weren't that good, but it was my start. So I slowly started getting into shooting models, I used Infrared for my first few shoots and essentially only did BW up until about August of last year. Started using studio lights in September of last year, and didnt shoot in a studio environment until about October or November. I've been improving exponentially, this time at a much faster rate than with any other art form I have taken on, but very much the same. Pick it up, learn it, and improve wildly. And again, I'm at a point where I'm afraid I don't have much more improvement left in me (not that I'm the best, but more I don't know if I've hit my personal limit or not). That combined with the fact that I've again had some dramas, and I really overbooked and over stressed myself, caused a mental breakdown a couple weeks ago that caused me to cancel all my shoots. I very much, at the least, need a break.

When it comes down to it, the big thing is fear. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid to take the next step with my work, to actually do something of value with it. I'm afraid that I'm not going to make it. So, thats why I have this feeling that I need to move on to something else.

(I'm also creatively exhausted currently, but thats just because of the stress and work load I was under).

Phwew

The Silencing Machine wrote:
Why do you feel the need to isolate yourself from everybody else?

Most close relationships I've had with people have been incredibly painful. I've been close to very few people in my life. My mother, she died at the age of 9. A really good friend/Best friend, died at the age of 11. My dad, essentially abused me. The first girl I fell for, told me she only liked me because she felt sorry for me. The first girl I REALLY fell for, disappeared off the face of the planet. The first girl I loved, well thats earlier up. So now... I push away.

Tattooed Beauty Queen wrote:

what was your worst sexual experience?

Hmmm easy answer would be, losing my virginity.

Back story. I stayed a virgin until I was 22. By choice. I didn't feel that I was ready for sex, and the often times more complicated relationship it brings along with it.

I had a couple girls I dated that essentially begged for it, I said I wasnt ready, that didnt work out. Then I met a girl who I was REALLY into, and she said she couldnt date me because she didnt want to be responsible for my virginity.

So it was my worst, first off, because I lost my virginity for the wrong reason. Frustration. I lost it because I thought that losing it would mean more girls would like me. But whatever. So I had a date with a random chick, not that great looking, had horrible short sex with her, and that was that.

But wait, no it wasn't. This chick was crazy. She cried afterwards, then got angry, then got happy, then got sad. An emotional basket case. And generally not nice either.  I took her home that night, and then she called for a while afterwards and all that, and it was a general mess. Essentially she faded out (thank god), and it was over. Although, a year and a half afterwards, her cousin somehow got a hold of my phone number and called me. "What? She wasnt good enough for you? I'm going to kill you and feed you to my family!"



Luckily it didn't happen

A couple weeks later, after the V loss, I had my first date with what is probably my only true relationship to date heh. (which I fucked up)

Lady - JADE wrote:
Favorite movie / why?

Kneejerk reaction is The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The more thoughtful reaction is... multiple.

TNBC - It's a story I feel like I can relate to. A curiosity for something new, boredom of everyday life, seeking out that something new, and failing at it, sally's beautiful character... and just the overall quirkiness and style of Tim Burton.

others

Moulin Rouge - I'm a sucker for painful love stories and great music.

Amelie - An incredible breath of fresh air. Inspirational to look at the world for how wonderful it is, and to see details and stories in things so incredibly normally mundane.

...

Anchorman - Cause its fucking hilarious.

-ASYLUM- wrote:

Kneejerk reaction is The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The more thoughtful reaction is... multiple.

TNBC - It's a story I feel like I can relate to. A curiosity for something new, boredom of everyday life, seeking out that something new, and failing at it, sally's beautiful character... and just the overall quirkiness and style of Tim Burton.

others

Moulin Rouge - I'm a sucker for painful love stories and great music.

Amelie - An incredible breath of fresh air. Inspirational to look at the world for how wonderful it is, and to see details and stories in things so incredibly normally mundane.

...

Anchorman - Cause its fucking hilarious.

You just named three of my top five favorite movies.

-ASYLUM- wrote:
Wow.

That's a good one.

The most depressing one... that's tough... I think the toughest one was the one that I wasn't in. I've hinted about it before on the forums, but haven't really ever discussed it.

I met a girl, Sandra, in college. Brazilian, her parents Italian and Japanese, completely exotic. She was incredibly artistic, very wise in social situations of the world, and a lot of fun in general. I instantly fell for her, hard. She inspired me, she was my muse, everything I created was her. I knew her for a couple months and then finally came up with the balls to ask her out for Valentines. And of course... she was basically engaged. I didn't stop hanging out with her after that, in fact we ended up getting very very close, so close most thought we were a very serious couple. We basically did everything that a relationship has... besides the physicalities. She mostly expressed great displeasure with her relationship, and wanted to leave it, but essentially couldn't for various weak reasons. It was tough, frustrating, and painful.

As time went on the boyfriend got more abusive towards her and we had to be sneakier about hanging out. Eventually she got physically abused, and instead of doing something pro-active, instead my guilt meter went into overdrive and it was my fault she was being hurt. I loved her. The only person, ever, that I have loved truly and fully. The idea that her knowing me, was hurting her, killed me. I broke down, and couldn't look at myself in the mirror any more, I destroyed all photos of me, and I moved out to the east coast (this was all in San Diego), 5 years ago.

Yeah.

wow. thanks so much for sharing though, really.

wow.

*hug*

Miss Kristen Lee wrote:

You just named three of my top five favorite movies.

If one of them is Anchorman, I will drop everything right now and marry you outright.

-ASYLUM- wrote:

I'm not really sure what has triggered it.

It's partially been a trend, and it's partially other things in life right now.

The trend:

I started with illustration, as a kid up to my teens I was always drawing... for my age I was well on my way to doing something along the lines of being a comic book illustrator.  I was constantly improving, and getting better... and then..  it just stopped. I don't know, I just lost my drive for it. I still appreciate illustrations, I still wish I could draw... but I lost desire for it, and I'm not sure if its there anymore. I have a feeling its the fear that I get to a point where it's really tough to break through a level of improvement, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to break through it. So I stop instead of failing.

In high school I picked up both Photography and Computer Graphics. I got really good at graphic design, more in the page layout and photography manipulation aspects. I wasn't necessarily a good photographer, more I just used pictures as a starting point to do create something else. For the technology I had, and the level I was at, I was getting good again, and was on my way to probably being a successful graphic designer. I was chosen by my department to be the tutor, and to also work for the school as the only hired student graphic designer. I also won the art department's student of the year. I tutored students who were in university (I was going through my AS because thats all I could afford, looking to transfer), and teaching the teachers things. I got to a point where again, there was a level and a wall, that I would have had to get through to really get to that success point. Also, on top of that, I was incredibly jaded by the workplace surrounding Graphic Design. Essentially the real world was much different than the class room. In the real world I couldn't design what I wanted, I had to make what someone else wanted, and I often disagreed with that. So again... fear. And added this time, not being happy with the way it worked in the real world.

Photography I started picking up in a more serious sense after I dropped graphic design. It started as doing random crap photography. Shooting whatever fits my fancy, lots of landscapes, macros, architecture, etc. Just appreciating the world around me and the beauty that it brings. I had a passing interest in model photography, but whenever I wanted to, I happened to be dating someone who was essentially against it, and I couldn't. Jan 2007, I dated someone who really broke my trust at a time in my life where I was very weak. So I essentially swore off dating etc for 2007 so that I could concentrate on photography. I ran into my good friend Kira on here sometime in early 2007, and we started talking, and I shot her about literally a year ago. The pictures weren't that good, but it was my start. So I slowly started getting into shooting models, I used Infrared for my first few shoots and essentially only did BW up until about August of last year. Started using studio lights in September of last year, and didnt shoot in a studio environment until about October or November. I've been improving exponentially, this time at a much faster rate than with any other art form I have taken on, but very much the same. Pick it up, learn it, and improve wildly. And again, I'm at a point where I'm afraid I don't have much more improvement left in me (not that I'm the best, but more I don't know if I've hit my personal limit or not). That combined with the fact that I've again had some dramas, and I really overbooked and over stressed myself, caused a mental breakdown a couple weeks ago that caused me to cancel all my shoots. I very much, at the least, need a break.

When it comes down to it, the big thing is fear. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid to take the next step with my work, to actually do something of value with it. I'm afraid that I'm not going to make it. So, thats why I have this feeling that I need to move on to something else.

(I'm also creatively exhausted currently, but thats just because of the stress and work load I was under).

Phwew

Well, shit son.

Quit being afraid of failure. The only way to succeed at anything is to keep doing it. You know I think you are very good; so if you're creatively exhausted, shoot better models. You want to make art, so fucking make it. Don't shoot things that don't inspire you.

I want you to succeed. For whatever the fuck that's worth.

-ASYLUM- wrote:

If one of them is Anchorman, I will drop everything right now and marry you outright.

Ah well, sorry noes. But I sure do LOOOOOOOVE Anchorman!!! Will Ferrell is my favorite comedian of all time.

"It smells like Bigfoot's dick!"

Miss Anna Evans wrote:

Well, shit son.

Quit being afraid of failure. The only way to succeed at anything is to keep doing it. You know I think you are very good; so if you're creatively exhausted, shoot better models. You want to make art, so fucking make it. Don't shoot things that don't inspire you.

I want you to succeed. For whatever the fuck that's worth.

If it were so simple, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?

I'm not done. But at the least I need a break, and we'll see where I stand when I figure some things out.

Miss Kristen Lee wrote:

Ah well, sorry noes. But I sure do LOOOOOOOVE Anchorman!!! Will Ferrell is my favorite comedian of all time.

"It smells like Bigfoot's dick!"

Damn

Miss Kristen Lee wrote:
Ok, who would you be in The Moulin Rouge?

Ewan McGregor obviously. Falls for the wonderful girl, has the secret relationship with her, and then she is forever lost to him.

That or the midget.

Photos By Becks wrote:
happy question:

what was the happiest moment of your life to date?

A drive along the beach, with the previously mentioned Sandra, listening to Bossa Nova... in particular, "The Girl From Ipanema"... the first time I heard the song, and she sang part of it. The sun was setting and were driving along a fairly curvy road. When the sun hit the horizon, we just stopped the car and watched.

-ASYLUM- wrote:

If it were so simple, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?

I'm not done. But at the least I need a break, and we'll see where I stand when I figure some things out.

You're not simple, not at all. But you're unravelable, which is a start.