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Modeling and Depression
Gabrielle Heather wrote: Agreed, I will correct that. I want to make everyone feel accepted here Dec 02 12 06:56 pm Link Gabrielle Heather wrote: You're very welcome, I am so proud of what this thread has become. I consider this almost like a support-group now Dec 02 12 06:58 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: I agree feel it is and will continue to be the same. Dec 02 12 07:17 pm Link People hurt themselves in many different ways...The alcoholics, the junkies, the brawlers... the list goes on and on. You girls are wonderful in your acceptance of others who are finding their way in this life. Like I said earlier, who among us has not struggled? Thank you both for making the world a better place. Dec 02 12 07:23 pm Link William Cox wrote:
Dec 02 12 07:29 pm Link I'm not sure if I would consider myself depressed, but when I was actively llamaing, it was definitely a self esteem booster. I am out of work currently and want to get in better shape, so that fuels much of my anxiety, but I'm pretty sure that once I start working (GOD willing soon) and get back to being in the shape that I want to be in, my anxiety will dissipate and llamaing will help to boost the ego a bit. Dec 02 12 08:59 pm Link ashara wrote: Good luck on your journey and know that you have lots of love and support Dec 02 12 09:03 pm Link I'd say it was lovely to see all the responses to this thread however that'd imply that I like your stories of pain I think a better word would be its reassuring to see the responses. Thankyou everyone an hugs to all x Dec 03 12 03:29 am Link As someone who has suffered from depression in the past, I wouldn't see modeling as good for it. Any insecurities you may have will be magnified, especially when things are going badly. However, when things are going well it can be a great boost to self esteem and confidence, this may help keep the worst of the depression at bay or if you're in recovery, it may speed it up or just copperfasten the progress already made. I know that dealing with people and getting the positive feed back that I do, has helped me stay well but I still find that the doubts and self criticism I had during depression return from time to time. I'm just better at overcoming them now. Dec 03 12 04:24 am Link Feeling kind of disappointed in myself. I relapsed in my SI today. Dec 03 12 11:33 am Link Mental midgets! Just stay busy, keep working, make some contacts here on MM, go to the gym, get a facial, go shopping....repeat. I sympathize with and pray for any who suffer from such a disorder, but modelling is a tough business, one with more doors slammed in your facve than one which open sometimes. You gan go to 5 castings in a row and never get a call-back. Its a tough industry for hard-as-nails people. Dec 03 12 11:47 am Link Anzhelika Yakimenko wrote: This thread is for support, please don't be so disrespectful to the people who are pouring out their hearts. It takes much more 'mental height' to be open than to call people names and trivialize their pain. Please Dec 03 12 11:50 am Link Please, I mean do dis-respect. I apologize if that came out the wrong way. Please forgive. I mean simply that its a tough business. Dec 03 12 12:03 pm Link Anzhelika Yakimenko wrote: Everyone on here acknowledges that, this has really become a kind of support-group for those of us that are interested in modeling and also happen to be coping with depression and SI. Comments like yours can be very hurtful. You are certainly welcome here but please be more careful with your words. Dec 03 12 12:06 pm Link Thank you, and again, please accept my hasty post, and my apology. You were right, I was wrong. If I can be helpful, please dont hesitate to call on me. Dec 03 12 12:08 pm Link Anzhelika Yakimenko wrote: Apology accepted and feel free to post on here if you would like to share or offer support Dec 03 12 12:11 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: Really sorry to hear about this. PM coming your way. We all have setbacks and we all struggle because we are human. I am saddened by this news. You have support. There is help. We can talk about this here or privately. Dec 03 12 12:25 pm Link Followers of this thread I am so sorry if I have disappointed any of you today. My strength comes in waves and I was sorely lacking today. I appreciate each and every one of you and am very sorry I'm not a better role model. Dec 03 12 01:23 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: There are some good ideas under the self help tab on the left. Dec 03 12 01:37 pm Link I like this post. People aren't being bastards (and I should know - I am a bastard). So here's a little story to fill some time: I started journaling at the age of 11. I am now 31, a few months shy of 32, and I am thinking about seeking to have part of my journals published. I'm specifically wanting to publish the story of my descent into my eating disorder, and the chronicling of my journey into "normalcy." Normalcy, for me, meaning weight gain, bringing honesty as a priority into all my relationships, consciously choosing to save my own life by following my food plan each day, every day, etc. For those of you who are unawares, depression coupled with anorexia is quite nearly a death sentence. Suicide (be it through cutting, overdosing, starving, etc.) is a common end result in the lives of those who have battled these combined diagnoses. In fact, I remember going to bed every single night and praying, nearly begging, to die in my sleep. But it never happened. Instead, I started suffering from weakened organ-functioning, and this included my brain. I had no memory. I carried my address around with me in my pocket, having forgotten it was on my driver's license. I could no longer watch movies or read books, both which were long-time hobbies, as I no longer had an attention span of any sort. In college I was completing the New York Times' crossword puzzle in 20 minutes or less every day. But only a few years after college I was so full of self-hatred that I was taking in only 500 calories a day, and I could barely finish the "easy crosswords" intended for kids in "brain-teaser" books. The brain I had left devoted itself to counting the calories in everything I ate. If I didn't see nutritional information on the package, I didn't eat it. I lost over 80 pounds before my mother coerced me into getting help for myself. I would later learn that I had damaged my heart, my liver, my kidneys, and my bones permanently. So now I look for inspiration every day. Every new day I need a reason to live. Most days my cat, Floyd the Barber, is a great incentive.  But some days are harder. I need to be reassured, affirmed, validated, impassioned...and when Floyd is feeling like being elsewhere, I've thankfully found that punk rock seems to help a lot... And so the book I seek to create emphasizes the descent, as well as the process of rebuilding. My ideal is that it will soothe others in the knowledge that they are not alone. I doubt readers who are as far gone as I was would be able to comprehend it at that time...starvation of the body is also starvation of the brain...but it could ease the minds of those in recovery, as well as enlighten those who find themselves loving someone with an eating disorder. I just wanna make the world a nice place for people to be vulnerable. *shrug* Maybe I'm a sap. If so, the world needs more saps.  Dec 03 12 03:07 pm Link Kaia Murphy wrote: It's hard to be vulnerable, but thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you are on your way to feeling better. Journaling is an amazing thing. Some people draw in their journals, some write, some do both. It all depends on what your purpose for it is. Even if you just sit and write fuck a hundred times over it can be a useful tool. I need to get into it again. I used to journal a bunch and had several journals of different sizes for different things. Its ok to be a sap. Its called having empathy. Most here dont know who I really am, and thats just fine with me. I have different layers to me. Dec 03 12 04:51 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: *hugs and cuddles* Don't beat yourself up too much, lovely. SI is an incredibly hard addiction to break. Think of it like dieting - somedays, there might be a relapse and you might eat a ton of junk food and hate yourself. But the next day, don't (or shouldn't, rather) give up that diet and keep eating all willynilly. You remind yourself of all of the reasons WHY you are making a change, that you deserve to love yourself, and then you get back up and keep going. There are good days and bad days with any sort of recovery, but the more you keep trying, the more likely it is that the good days will begin to outnumber the bad days. You are strong, my dear. Don't let one setback make you feel bad - just remind yourself of how strong you were to have made it to three months, and how you can do it again. Maybe further this time! I don't know you, but I am still proud of how far you've come already! Dec 03 12 04:53 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: Stop that disappointment right meow! Dec 03 12 05:02 pm Link Kaia Murphy wrote: I wish I could stand up and applaud right now, without it looking super silly. I've flirted with issues of self-control, including denial of food because I wanted to be strong and pure, but never enough to be considered an eating disorder. I've heard a lot of stories about eating disorders, but yours seems far worse than most that I've seen... Which makes your recovery that much more admirable. Dec 03 12 05:09 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: I find this a strange sentiment. The only opinion that really matters is your own. If you have disappointed yourself, that is important. If someone else is disappointed in you, you need to ask yourself why that matters to you, and what that says about the other person. Dec 03 12 05:23 pm Link William Cox wrote: btw wonderful info Dec 03 12 05:30 pm Link Autumn Rose Brightly wrote: We already spoke, but an apology isnt needed for anyone. We all are now here to support each other. I want to make sure that you have a safe place to talk and know that you have others here standing with you. Humans are just that. No one will ever be perfect nor should they strive to be because then what is life all about. I see it as a learning experience. Sending you hugs and kisses from me and my boston terrier. She goes all the way up in your nose. Dec 03 12 05:35 pm Link Ladies (and gentlemen too), I appreciate the wonderful support. As those who have followed this thread know, self-acceptance is very hard for me and I struggle with showing kindness, patience, and respect to myself. One step at a time  Dec 03 12 06:25 pm Link I don't know how you ladies and gents do it. I find being on here is depressing making my symptoms worse, especially when I get called fat all the time. Even though I have lost 100+ weight I feel like shit on here. Does nothing for my self esteem. I guess I should stay away from the forums and stick with the casting calls. I never learn. Dec 03 12 06:55 pm Link Finding myself being pushed to up my self-esteem at every turn in my life right now. I feel like I'm failing. How can I see myself as I see others? Dec 03 12 07:03 pm Link Sabine wrote: Don't listen Honey, you are beautiful! Dec 03 12 07:04 pm Link It's helped my self esteem a bunch. I just hate that it can be pretty random with periods of being extremely busy and times of not shooting much at all. Dec 03 12 07:33 pm Link I've found that photography and working with models is very therapeutic, but being on MM and DeviantArt and other sites can often bring me up or down. When I've spent several days working on an image that I really like, if people comment or list it, then it makes me feel great and I think to myself 'maybe I can really do this!' But sometimes when I'm looking through other people's portfolios and I see all the awesome work they've done or all the professionals in their credits, I get discouraged because I know I'll never be as successful as they are. Thank you for starting this thread, I understand everything that you're all going through. Several years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD resulting from severe emotional childhood trauma. I've struggled with it my whole life, and it was only when I took up photography five or six years ago that I was finally able to quit the meds. Creating art has always been my passion and helped me through the hard times. If any of you want to know more or just talk and make a new friend, by all means please message me. I would love to hear from you, and I promise that I don't bite very hard. Dec 03 12 07:33 pm Link Sabine wrote: Congratulations on the weight loss. 100+ pounds is a big deal! The thing I enjoy a lot about MM is that there are people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. It's kind of like an acting agency. Whomever fits the project, is how I see it. People can be rude and nasty on the forums regardless of your "look". It comes with interpersonal reactions. Not everyone is going to play nice. People get called too skinny just as well. Keep doing you and hold your head high. Know that you have gotten yourself to where you are and be proud please. Let us help hold you up. Dec 03 12 07:35 pm Link Gabrielle Heather wrote: That is why I don't know how anyone does it. Just sick to my stomach today. Dec 03 12 07:50 pm Link Sabine wrote: You are always welcome here! This thread has become a wonderful example of the goodness inside people Dec 03 12 07:52 pm Link Lisa Praznak wrote: It's a factor, definitely. Whenever I first reintroduce myself to modeling with significant scars, it's a challenge. I've learned the art of absurdest lies and sarcastic humor. I general reserve the truth for people who I trust. My overall policy is this: I have a statement in my portfolio regarding scars along my legs, if it's a problem, mention it, otherwise, it's not your business. If you choose to ask me about it, it's my choice to provide as much or as little information as I want. Dec 03 12 10:08 pm Link when i first started modeling, i think it helped raise my self-esteem: i was SHOCKED that anyone thought i could be a "model." nowadays, i think i find it more stressful and depressing than helpful. anytime i think about shoots, i am almost-always down on my appearance (i've gained at least 10 pounds in the last year, i've refused to step on a scale in months because i don't want to know, i think i'm near a buck sixty by now.) and i am annoyed with myself for lack of creativity regarding outfits (everything i have is old and already worn for shooting, and i can't really afford new clothes), posing, facial expressions, themes...everything, really. it's a combination of NOT naturally being a creative person, and possibly the perfectionism strand that probably causes me to freeze or at least make it harder to relax on shoots. i want great photos but i get so down on myself and/or worried that i basically shoot myself in the foot. at least that's a theory. for example, i can make perfectly silly facial expressions when there's not a camera in my face... unfortunately i can be stubborn about giving up sometimes... Dec 03 12 10:57 pm Link Art of the nude wrote: actually for me more recently as well, the depression has been exacerbated due to all the people not asking me to shoot but asking my model friends instead; or just ignoring my messages to shoot. Dec 03 12 10:59 pm Link Sabine wrote: Gabrielle is right - 100+ pounds is an incredible achievement! I can only imagine the hard work and willpower that took! Congrats! And for the record, I think you are absolutely gorgeous. Your curves are rocking in such a womanly way - proof that beauty doesn't need to be crammed in a tiny package of bones in order to shine! Dec 04 12 01:25 am Link |
elsewhere
No one can be strong every moment of every day, and recovering is a difficult process. Setbacks can happen at any time, but hating yourself will just intensify the negative emotions. What would you say to any of us who hurt themselves? From what I have seen of your generous heart on this forum, you would give them kind words and compassion and forgiveness, and remind them that they are wonderful. You deserve that kind of compassion and forgiveness towards yourself. But from personal experience, I know how difficult that can be. 
