Gabrielle Heather wrote:

can you identify the trigger/s?

I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

+1, well minus the lingerie...

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
Well, I guess it's gonna be a shoot with marks...

hun, please. Before you go doing that........... PLEASE at least try and reach out to ANY of us here. What coping mechanisms did you try to resort to before you injured yourself. That seemed to go downhill pretty fast and I can understand the downswing fast as today is a REALLY miserable day for me as well. On a scale of 1- 10 bad for me, its about an 8. Im having bad thoughts myself and would I love nothing more than to feel pain right now? absofucking lutely, but I know that will only lead to MORE damage , and I am in ENOUGH pain right now as is.

I am so sorry that you werent able to stop yourself. My friends used to hide the things I could injure myself with on me as a preventative. I think that would be a good start for you. be willing to "give up" the things you hurt yourself with. Put them all in a bag and hand them over to someone you love. Tell them it is theirs now. You dont want it. Dont go out and buy more, either. Put bandages on, and ignore the marks. Today is a new day.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I feel lonely, I'm alone, I feel like a failure personally and professionally, I'm withdrawing. Luckily I have a lingerie shoot on Monday which will keep me from SIing

hun, please. Before you go doing that........... PLEASE at least try and reach out to ANY of us here. What coping mechanisms did you try to resort to before you injured yourself. That seemed to go downhill pretty fast and I can understand the downswing fast as today is a REALLY miserable day for me as well. On a scale of 1- 10 bad for me, its about an 8. Im having bad thoughts myself and would I love nothing more than to feel pain right now? absofucking lutely, but I know that will only lead to MORE damage , and I am in ENOUGH pain right now as is.

I am so sorry that you werent able to stop yourself. My friends used to hide the things I could injure myself with on me as a preventative. I think that would be a good start for you. be willing to "give up" the things you hurt yourself with. Put them all in a bag and hand them over to someone you love. Tell them it is theirs now. You dont want it. Dont go out and buy more, either. Put bandages on, and ignore the marks. Today is a new day.

Honestly this was the lesser of two evils, my mind was in a muuuuuch darker place all day and I'd rather this than that. I'm still here with SI

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

Honestly this was the lesser of two evils, my mind was in a muuuuuch darker place all day and I'd rather this than that. I'm still here with SI

I've been suicidal for the past year, I've even had a noose tied and 'ready to go' for the past six months.  But, i can't imagine ever cutting myself.  I'm sorry for your pain

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:

I've been suicidal for the past year, I've even had a noose tied and 'ready to go' for the past six months.  But, i can't imagine ever cutting myself.  I'm sorry for your pain

I used to say that too until I started doing it. I could never imagine intentionally hurting myself

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

I used to say that too until I started doing it. I could never imagine intentionally hurting myself

i'm sorry

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:

i'm sorry

I'm not, as bad as it is it's better than some other coping mechanisms

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:
I've been suicidal for the past year, I've even had a noose tied and 'ready to go' for the past six months.  But, i can't imagine ever cutting myself.  I'm sorry for your pain

Please take it down...my brother ended his life that way - suicide is like spraying a machine gun at your loved ones...no matter how bad I have felt, losing my mother and brother to suicide has kept me from doing anything crazy...even if you think no one cares it's not true and there are people you will meet in the future who need you

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:
I've been suicidal for the past year, I've even had a noose tied and 'ready to go' for the past six months.  But, i can't imagine ever cutting myself.  I'm sorry for your pain

Im super happy you havent used it. Im sorry you have been in so much pain. Life can be shit sometimes. Feel free to talk here if you want. I tend to hold everything in. I know it doesnt benefit me.

LittleWhiteRabbit Photo wrote:
Paul, Autumn and Gabrielle -  you will be in my thoughts and prayers...

Lately I'm feeling better (medication change) but know the hell of depression and how it can mess with your mind...it has been a long, hard road...

xo Debra

thank you..... Im glad you are feeling better

LittleWhiteRabbit Photo wrote:
Paul, Autumn and Gabrielle -  you will be in my thoughts and prayers...

Lately I'm feeling better (medication change) but know the hell of depression and how it can mess with your mind...it has been a long, hard road...

xo Debra

Thanks, I'm glad you're feeling better

LittleWhiteRabbit Photo wrote:

Please take it down...my brother ended his life that way - suicide is like spraying a machine gun at your loved ones...no matter how bad I have felt, losing my mother and brother to suicide has kept me from doing anything crazy...even if you think no one cares it's not true and there are people you will meet in the future who need you

in a way it makes me 'feel better' as it's the only thing in my life I feel i have control of.

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:
in a way it makes me 'feel better' as it's the only thing in my life I feel i have control of.

Sounds like the same reason I keep my X-acto blade (for cutting, not attempts), as a security blanket

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
Sounds like the same reason I keep my X-acto blade, as a security blanket

If you want to make progress....... please try and surrender it. Like I mentioned above. But you have to want it for yourself. No one can force you.


edit: I am sure you DO want to make progress. That sounds harsh, I am sorry, but I truly want you to want for yourself. It's the sickness calling to you to keep that stuff around. It's simply not healthy for you to keep it around right now. Understand?

Gabrielle Heather wrote:

If you want to make progress....... please try and surrender it. Like I mentioned above. But you have to want it for yourself. No one can force you.


edit: I am sure you DO want to make progress. That sounds harsh, I am sorry, but I truly want you to want for yourself. It's the sickness calling to you to keep that stuff around. It's simply not healthy for you to keep it around right now. Understand?

I understand, if it was anyone but me I would be saying the same thing. 90% of the time I DO want to make progress, I'm caught in some of the 10% right now

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:
in a way it makes me 'feel better' as it's the only thing in my life I feel i have control of.

I guess maybe it's a reminder that for today you choose to live...I've had self-destructive things that I've kept around for security blankets (more mental than physical)...

I loved that nude w/the leaves BTW - left a comment on facebook.

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

Support groups are fantastic! I was part of one for months, the only thing I found was to really search for the right one. When you find it you'll know

I feel the same way about therapists.  .

Wynd Mulysa wrote:
I feel the same way about therapists.  .

Ive got a shit one right now but i go to him to appease my family. They also go to him. They pay and since I am the scapegoat for most things in my family, I "have" to be in therapy. Mind you, I am a believer in therapy, but with the right person.

Paul Pardue Photography wrote:

I'm a vegan too, I've heard that excuse before regarding my depression.  Actually right now I'm going through a lot of shit that's going to end up with me living in my car (if i can get it fixed that is) within a month or so...  I'll be in your same situation real soon.  i don't have a van, but at least I've got some space...  A jeep cherokee with a fold down rear seat...  I may come seek you out since I'm thinking if I'm going to go down this road I'm going to 'move' to the Berkeley area.

I have the opposite problem with sleep right now, horrible insomnia.  Some nights as little as 3-4 hours of sleep.  I've pulled a couple all-nighters and i think my record this year was close to 36 hours.

i've taken classes too and dropped them because they were to 'stressful' and/or I just didn't go to them.  And yes, some were 'fun' classes too...  I've been suffering with some form of depression for pretty much as long as I can remember, but right now it's bad.  I don't leave the house, I don't talk to anyone (other than online), I haven't seen another human for weeks.  I hardly eat anymore.  I've been unemployed for close to two years now and it's gotten to the point where looking for a job is so stressful that I have a panic attack.  I'm under so much emotional stress that I've had a noose tied in my room for months, just in case...

Problem is it's not getting any better and i can't get any help or services.  I tried signing up for the local county health services on tuesday after waiting almost two months for an appointment, only to be told that I'd have to make another appointment for next month...  and that's just to see if I qualify for the program, not even to actually see a dr or anyone that can actually help.

Hey Paul.  First of all, thanks for sharing all that you did here.  That alone takes strength.  I love giving/getting support through identifying with others, so hearing your story and position right now has helped me feel like I'm not alone.  I think I lead a way different life than most people on this site, and I love it, but it's easy to feel disconnected.

I have been technically homeless for a long time, and I can give you some tips on finding free or cheap therapy if you want.  If you're uninsured especially.  i've been playing that game a lot.. The bay area offers more social services than most places in the country, but they can be hard to find and very bureaucratic and difficult to deal with as you are describing with the county health services.]  About a year ago I got on disability for my PTSD and that has both helped and further marginalized me.  I know that receiving government benefits is looked down upon by many, but it's not by me, and if you are having anxiety attacks while thinking about getting a job, I suggest you apply for SSDI.

Please call someone before going near that noose.

Wintertime isn't the best time to be living in a vehicle, but it's not impossible.  I can give you some tips if it comes down to it for you.

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

I'm not, as bad as it is it's better than some other coping mechanisms

1. Thank you for not feeling guilt.  That is always the worst part in my opinion.
2. True as hell.  SI literally could be anything.  I used to cut a lot before I started overeating.  There is always something!  I think a hard to reach but good goal is to turn our something into a nicer thing for us.  Like.. Going to the Y and sitting in the sauna.  Yeah right.  Who compulsively or emotionally goes to the sauna?  I guess people who are really healthy.  I want to be like that!

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I'm not, as bad as it is it's better than some other coping mechanisms

I kind of get that. It makes sense.

Wynd Mulysa wrote:
Yeah right.  Who compulsively or emotionally goes to the sauna?

I live in Arizona. I get enough "sauna" all summer. I could do with a lot less of it. lol.

And weirdly, I get more depressed in the spring because the good weather is going away.

Wynd Mulysa wrote:

1. Thank you for not feeling guilt.  That is always the worst part in my opinion.
2. True as hell.  SI literally could be anything.  I used to cut a lot before I started overeating.  There is always something!  I think a hard to reach but good goal is to turn our something into a nicer thing for us.  Like.. Going to the Y and sitting in the sauna.  Yeah right.  Who compulsively or emotionally goes to the sauna?  I guess people who are really healthy.  I want to be like that!

I wish I felt guilty about it though, it feels nice to be back at it

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

I wish I felt guilty about it though, it feels nice to be back at it

Well..  I guess it makes sense that you would feel comfortable.  But I just meant that it's terrible to have bad thoughts about yourself, then cut, and then have even worse thoughts.  At least you have given yourself some relief.  But there are things that you could replace it with ideally.

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:

I wish I felt guilty about it though, it feels nice to be back at it

I am am so sorry you were in that kind of pain, love. And while SIing is certainly nothing to be proud of (which you are obviously not!), Wynd is right. Guilt and shame are even worse. There is nothing like being in a dark space, then hurting yourself, and then being filled with remorse and shame and guilt. Just a bad cycle. There are certainly worse things that you could do. But you are here, posting on the forums, breathing and living with a brand new day ahead of you. And THAT *is* something to be proud of, darling.

When I quit SIng and still had instances of needing pain, I started getting piercings and gaging my ears. At least then, I had a nice sparkly to go with it, a piece of beauty. Of course, when I got pierced in a bad headspace, my body wouldn't keep the piercing. It's like it didn't want to keep the negativity. Had my navel pierced twice, my nose five times. Only when I went into it with a confident and happy headspace, did the piercings stay and heal up perfectly. Strange!

Please, do not hesitate to message me or anyone else if you get in that headspace again. Someone will get online soon, and be there to talk you through the worst of it. And giving up your blades is a good way to remind yourself that you want to give it up, when you are ready for it. Do you journal, by any chance? Writing out those emotions are a good thing! Or if journaling isn't your cup of tea, writing letters by hand helps. Keeps your hands and mind busy, and let's you connect with others. Ooor, another thing is to reward yourself when you resist the urge to SI. Make it through a bad headspace, buy yourself a dvd or a book or a new shirt. Something to appreciate yourself and make you smile.

Don't forget, no matter what happens and no matter your emotions, you are and will always be loved. I don't know you aside from this thread, but I still love you. And I am thinking sooooo many happy thoughts and positive energy your way.

Avonelle wrote:
While modeling is primarily the reason why I haven't SIed in years, it affects my mood in cycles. There are some months when I positively glow, feeling beautiful and amazed and so grateful, and I throw myself into booking shoots with excitement and energy, and all I feel is complete inspiration. It gives me a reason to take better care of myself, exercising daily and eating healthy and getting plenty of sleep.

And then there is a complete 180 degree shift - I start feeling waaaay more self-conscious about the physical flaws I see in my images, I start hating on all of my poses, and start feeling like I will never reach the point where I will be content and proud of all of my work, like I have finally reached that place where I am satisfied. That is when the shoots become emotionally and physically exhausting, when the idea of shooting gives me an anxiety attack because I am sure that I will disappoint everyone involved, and all I want to do is curl up in bed for weeks until the emotions start getting under control.


I am pretty bi-polar when it comes to modeling. Sometimes, it's my favorite thing in the world. Sometimes, it's my least.

+1

Wynd Mulysa wrote:
My answer to this question on yahoo about fighting depression got picked as the best one!  That's not saying too much, but I thought I'd post this link because I would give this advice to anyone trying to fight it.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index … 256AATWg8x

Those are ALL wonderful suggestions! Wow! So much good advice, and plain old preventative measures. It's amazing how helpful good diet and sleep and a regular schedule can be! Plus, exercise! That was crucial when I was halting the SI habit. I just worked my body into a frenzy or sweat and exhaustion, and there was the good kind of achypain of making your body stronger! Also, yay! You are the only other person I have met who uses 5htp tooo! I swear by that stuff. Meds don't work well for me (they just make me numb and suck out aaaall creativity), but vitamins and 5htp have worked wonders in helping my brain stay balanced and keep the worst of anxiety at bay!

Autumn Rose Brightly wrote:
I have found modeling to be very helpful in lightening my depression. I have had a massive boost in self-esteem and have been given a reason not to SI. Any other models have similar stories? How has depression affected your modeling?

Overall I think modeling has helped my self-esteem and kept me from slipping slowly into depression. Although sometimes it can work the opposite way. I've coped with it since my early teens, had EDs, I SI'd and attempted  suicide a few times. With age I've learned to see the triggers, and find natural ways to keep me from becoming more depressed. Being extremely overweight was a big part of it in latter years. So when I get images back they make me smile because it's hard to believe that's me, it's also something great to do with my extra time, so I don't mope around the house feeling sorry for myself. *shrug*

On the contrary modeling has its moments when it just makes you feel, bleh and in my case ugly. Went to a group "shoot-out" recently, arrived with three other models and as people trickled in, other models kept being asked to shoot, while I wasn't. None were "standard/stock", they were all short and VERY thin. It's kind of a slap in the face to sit there and be the last to shoot (especially since you were asked to come) and feel like it was a pity shoot, especially b/c the photog obviously had no interest. Was close to falling into depression again after that, I'm grateful to have a hubby that also knows how to make me remember I'm beautiful regardless of what others think.

Jojo West wrote:
Overall I think modeling has helped my self-esteem and kept me from slipping slowly into depression. Although sometimes it can work the opposite way. I've coped with it since my early teens, had EDs, I SI'd and attempted  suicide a few times. With age I've learned to see the triggers, and find natural ways to keep me from becoming more depressed. Being extremely overweight was a big part of it in latter years. So when I get images back they make me smile because it's hard to believe that's me, it's also something great to do with my extra time, so I don't mope around the house feeling sorry for myself. *shrug*

On the contrary modeling has its moments when it just makes you feel, bleh and in my case ugly. Went to a group "shoot-out" recently, arrived with three other models and as people trickled in, other models kept being asked to shoot, while I wasn't. None were "standard/stock", they were all short and VERY thin. It's kind of a slap in the face to sit there and be the last to shoot (especially since you were asked to come) and feel like it was a pity shoot, especially b/c the photog obviously had no interest. Was close to falling into depression again after that, I'm grateful to have a hubby that also knows how to make me remember I'm beautiful regardless of what others think.

That is a strange way to do group shoots, just pulling models as they come in! At the ones I attend, we arrange things prior, models and shutterbugs reaching out to each other and scheduling in hour increments, so when you walk in to the building, you already know exactly who you are working with! Which is superhelpful! I don't think I could attend group shoots if that's how they worked here, cuz I would be a messball of stress and anxiety and bad self-esteem, just biting my nails and wondering if I would get picked. Like a tiny kid in gym class. That doesn't sound fun at all!

But you are beautiful, lovely! You truly are! And I am sad for all of the amazing art they didn't get a chance to make with you! Their loss! One day, I shall pick up a camera and take pictures of all the beauties like you!

Avonelle wrote:
That is a strange way to do group shoots, just pulling models as they come in! At the ones I attend, we arrange things prior, models and shutterbugs reaching out to each other and scheduling in hour increments, so when you walk in to the building, you already know exactly who you are working with! Which is superhelpful! I don't think I could attend group shoots if that's how they worked here, cuz I would be a messball of stress and anxiety and bad self-esteem, just biting my nails and wondering if I would get picked. Like a tiny kid in gym class. That doesn't sound fun at all!

But you are beautiful, lovely! You truly are! And I am sad for all of the amazing art they didn't get a chance to make with you! Their loss! One day, I shall pick up a camera and take pictures of all the beauties like you!

Thanks. I never got picked in gym class :-/ ha. Yeah I thought it was a messed up way to do things. One photographer stuck to one model for 5 hours. Sorry but if you're holding a group shoot that's meant to last over 6 hrs you set it up before and not only do you prevent the whole nail-biting, but you don't waste anyone's time and money (gas, outfits, make-up, hair). You're right though, their loss I felt like saying "I'm sorry you don't have the vision or skill set to shoot different types of bodies" I was so irritated to even care at the moment. I want to be on the other side of the camera as well, but the investment required is not feasible at the moment, so I'm holding off.

Jojo West wrote:

Thanks. I never got picked in gym class :-/ ha. Yeah I thought it was a messed up way to do things. One photographer stuck to one model for 5 hours. Sorry but if you're holding a group shoot that's meant to last over 6 hrs you set it up before and not only do you prevent the whole nail-biting, but you don't waste anyone's time and money (gas, outfits, make-up, hair). You're right though, their loss I felt like saying "I'm sorry you don't have the vision or skill set to shoot different types of bodies" I was so irritated to even care at the moment. I want to be on the other side of the camera as well, but the investment required is not feasible at the moment, so I'm holding off.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that

Jojo West wrote:
Thanks. I never got picked in gym class :-/ ha. Yeah I thought it was a messed up way to do things. One photographer stuck to one model for 5 hours. Sorry but if you're holding a group shoot that's meant to last over 6 hrs you set it up before and not only do you prevent the whole nail-biting, but you don't waste anyone's time and money (gas, outfits, make-up, hair). You're right though, their loss I felt like saying "I'm sorry you don't have the vision or skill set to shoot different types of bodies" I was so irritated to even care at the moment. I want to be on the other side of the camera as well, but the investment required is not feasible at the moment, so I'm holding off.

I looked at your portfolio and think you have a great shape - very well balanced - so it was their loss.  I've declined group shoots where you schedule directly w/models because I was terrified 'no one would pick me' - just like gym in HS! The trauma can stick with you for years....

Jojo West wrote:
I've noticed that a lot of people in this industry are just plain mean people. I understand it's cutthroat, it's tough, it's "honest" but somewhere along the line people confused honesty with cruelty.

Especially in the critique forum. Yeah some people may not have what it takes, but will I be that person to be mean, there's no point. I'll share my view respectfully and constructively. I had someone tell me to scrap my port because it was crap and start over. I just laugh, it's that port that gets me paid work so it must be ok. Back to the point of the thread, modeling can do wonders sometimes but boy can it be destructive at others, you just have to learn to take the good and ignore the bad.

I got told to delete half my portfolio by the same person, I think.

Remember that people behind can be very brave.  They won't say anything to you face to face.

That was weird way of holding a group shoot.  The ones I've been to have a model take a room and then photographers clamor to shoot with her.  Half hour later or so they get another model.  Everyone shoots with everyone.  Sometimes you can pay extra for one on ones with a model.

To all the other models posting here, it's hard for me to believe that many of you have these problems with depression especially since you are some of the best looking people around.

Sand Angel Photography wrote:
I live in Arizona. I get enough "sauna" all summer. I could do with a lot less of it. lol.

And weirdly, I get more depressed in the spring because the good weather is going away.

I loathe the cold. Also due to physical conditions I have, it hurts my body, so yeah, I get sad watching the warm weather leave because I know that I wont be able to enjoy being comfortable physically and emotionally in that sense anymore.

Avonelle wrote:
..You are the only other person I have met who uses 5htp tooo! I swear by that stuff. Meds don't work well for me (they just make me numb and suck out aaaall creativity), but vitamins and 5htp have worked wonders in helping my brain stay balanced and keep the worst of anxiety at bay!

Thanks.  .
It was recommended to me by my good therapist who left.
I haven't taken it in like a week though.  .