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Step parents debate - was I too honest?
Hi all, I'm interested to know. If you have a step parent and your mum or dad were to divorce that parent (or if they were to pass away), would you continue a relationship of some kind with that step parent? I very honestly told my Dad I wouldn't be interested in any sort of contact with my step mother if they divorced or if something happened to him. It is probably a case of my being too honest but he told me to be honest when he asked me that question so I was - and he blew up rather quickly at me as a result of that conversation (I'm learning with him that 'Be honest' means 'Tell me what you really think but only as long as it's what I want to hear'). It's not that I don't like my step mother. She's ok, I guess but she's not really my kind of person and I've always known that if it weren't for my dad, I wouldn't have any interest in seeing her. But I've supported the relationship because he loves her and I support him being happy. My logic has always been that she doesn't need to be my kind of person. She makes Dad happy and that's really all I need from her. Dad accused me, among many things, of being fake because I've been so nice to her over the years. I told him being fake and being polite were two different things but he strongly disagreed. What do you guys think? Unlike my Dad, you can actually be honest here and I won't hold it against you  When someone asks for your honest opinion, do you think it's best to lie if your honest opinion isn't one they'd want to hear? I never went into why I wouldn't want her in my life without him (as that would turn into an attack on her and nothing good would come from that!), I just simply said she wasn't my kind of person but I reiterated several times that I was happy that she made him happy and had always supported the relationship for that reason. Anyway, would love your thoughts. Jan 24 21 03:08 am Link I think that if your dad can't handle your honesty - its his problem not yours Jan 24 21 03:17 am Link Your dad married her, you didn't. By contrast, when my sister and her husband divorced I continued to have a close relationship with my brother-in-law. To this day I still refer to him as my brother-in-law. Jan 24 21 03:28 am Link I think you did the right thing in being honest. It’s the way he taught you to be, and that’s a good thing. It’s important to him that you’d continue on keeping in contact with her, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked the question. That being said, you still did the right thing, it’s on him for not liking your answer. Maybe ask him since he didn’t like your answer, and he must have realized it was a possibility you’d answer that way, then why did he ask the question? Jan 24 21 04:43 am Link Whether or not to stay in contact with a step parent after some sort of separation really depends on the bond that formed before that. Each case there is going to be different. When it comes to honesty, the truth can hurt sometimes. If you're one who always speaks your mind then you'll find you may have less people close to you, but the sincerity is greater. Unfortunately when its a family member sometimes you have to do exactly like you suspected: "Tell me what you really think but only as long as it's what I want to hear" Jan 24 21 10:18 am Link When it comes to parents, life is self sacrificing your own views for the greater good of a situation and not doing what you want to. I get that you have your own opinion, but it shouldn't be ...me me me. if theres anyone in this life to defer to its your parents if said thing is reasonable and you know it will bring them happiness in this shit show. When you dads no longer here honor his memory by keeping in touch with her. Jan 24 21 02:27 pm Link This is a complicated situation, Kelly. Family often is. I also wonder why your father asked this now and why it is important to him. It is interesting to ask the question here, the dysfunctional "family" that we are. The variety in the answers will probably be helpful to you. I would suggest approaching from a position that the conversation is not closed and your opinion having not being fully developed, if he put you in a position of trapping you into the conversation without advanced warning. Often the person asking a philosophical question like this has pondered it for a while, developing reasoning, accepting and dismissing various lines of thought. The results could be substantially different from an answer that wasn't given due consideration. From my perspective, you don't know what you are going to do when the time arises. Perhaps the relationship with your SM will heal in time. A common bond can form over unforeseen circumstances at anytime. Just as easily as a good relationship can turn sour. It is possible that you could remain true to what you have said already and still truthfully appease him by explaining that the relationship isn't irredeemably shattered and you were answering his question based on the present circumstances, but the circumstances could change with a little effort on the part of all parties, including your father. He is, after all, the common bond and it would behoove him to work to bring the family closer together if he desires a closer bond between you and his wife. As for giving any particular person my honest opinion, I have learned that is very circumstantial. Some people aren't entitled to the truth for various reasons, such as an inadequately established relationship, and/or they can't handle it, which can be predicted by previous temper tantrums or emotional outbursts. Avoidance is better than lying. For instance, very few bosses can handle being told how they are screwing up the works.  Jan 24 21 03:17 pm Link My reply to a question such as that would have been along the lines of; "gee dad, I honestly don't know, who knows what the future will bring, and I've never really given this any thought. What concerns do you have that are prompting you to ask me about this now?" but that's just me. As for your question, were you too honest? I would honestly say I don't know. I will say that someone who asks a question should be prepared to hear the answer, even if it's not the one they want to hear. So I'm leaning toward no, you weren't too honest. You were just honest. Jan 25 21 06:18 am Link Kelly Kooper wrote: He's foolish for alienating you over an issue of which he has no power. He chose her, and when a father presents a stepmother to his children, it is natural that they will not be thrilled. He needs to cultivate you so if she proves unreliable he'll still have a daughter who cares for him. Tell him that you will be continue to be polite and non-controversial as you love him and wish him to be happy, but the human heart is not easily controlled, and you cannot ever love her, like you love him, and will not support her if he's not around. I hated some of my state-appointed guardians, who told me that I should love them. They hurt me and I did not love them and still have hatred in my heart for the horrors they inflicted upon me. Don't ruin your relationship with your father but do not bow. Jan 25 21 07:11 am Link Whether or not to stay in contact with a step parent after some sort of separation really depends on the bond that formed before that. Each case there is going to be different. I agree Jan 25 21 08:23 am Link Never ask for an honest opinion if you cannot handle the answer. He was unfair IMO even asking it. Jan 26 21 08:05 am Link Kelly Kooper wrote: Losing a loved one is hard, but having read your response below, I hope you have loved ones around you who will lighten the burden. Jan 27 21 08:31 am Link I had a cousin that got divorced back in the 60's when divorce wasn't as common as today. His ex got custody of the kids. She would bring them to family get togethers where she was still welcomed as a part of the family. We actually saw her more often than we saw him. She continued to be considered part of the family for the rest of her life, even after she remarried. My sister's ex remarried and after several years, divorced again. His second ex is still step mom to his kids and grandma to their kids. That said, it is fine if you don't have such feelings for your dad's wife. As long as you treat her courteously and respectfully, you are OK. Jan 27 21 05:03 pm Link Hi all, Thank you very much for your thoughts and opinions. They largely mirror my own, which is gratifying to see. Because it's only a snapshot of the situation, there's a lot I haven't mentioned. Personal situations are rarely black and white and I've condensed it because I don't believe anyone will want to read pages and pages of my family history - so I'm trying to pick out the most important parts of our background to give you as much detail as possible. There is something I haven't mentioned that is extremely relevant and is vital to this. I lost my Mum last week to lung cancer. My mum is my everything; my best friend, my role model and the reason I breathe. I am struggling every waking second to survive without the most important person in my world. On top of what is absolutely crippling emotional pain where I am not eating or sleeping properly and obviously crying regularly, we are also trying to organise my mum's funeral next week. Now, my mum hated my stepmum and for very good reason - my stepmum has been physically abusive to my younger brother several times over the last 22 years as she cannot control herself when she drinks and she was also incredibly difficult during my parent's divorce 22 years ago, essentially helping to escalate an already volatile situation. Despite my parent's toxic divorce about 25 years ago, my Mum told us that we could invite my father to her funeral if his presence would help give us some comfort but that she didn't want his partner there. My middle brother disowned Dad around 19 years ago because of his hatred for Dad's partner and, on top of Mum's feelings, she would also know that my brother would lose it if my stepmum was anywhere near the service. Before this conversation when Dad asked me about staying in touch with his partner if something were to happen to him, we had discussed him coming to the funeral. My youngest brother (who still speaks to my Dad but has only recently started talking to our stepmum again after Mum's diagnosis last year after 3 years of avoiding my stepmum) told my Dad last year that Dad could be invited to the funeral as support for my brother and I but that his partner would definitely not be allowed. At the time, he told me it wasn't an issue and Dad accepted it. When I asked him 5 days ago if he were coming and gave him the details, he asked if his partner would be allowed to come. I said that of course she wasn't and that my brother had told me that he knew this already. He asked why. I told him Mum didn't like her (he knew this - it's never been a secret) and she had every right to choose who she wanted to come to her day. Equally, I told him we would be respecting my Mum's wishes and not questioning them as it wasn't anyone's right to do so. He started saying that he didn't know why Mum had such a problem with his partner, that his partner didn't have a problem with her and that it wasn't fair that she be excluded from a family event because she had been part of our family for 22 years now. He also said that if the situations were reversed, he'd be happy for anyone to attend his funeral and his partner would be the same. I told him I'd keep that in mind for their day but that life is not a dictatorship - you don't get to choose how other people think, only how you do. I also told him that the day wasn't about my stepmum's feelings but about him supporting the children still speaking to him on the most difficult day of their lives. He said he couldn't possibly attend out of loyalty to his partner (no doubt she was standing in front of him listening to every word!) and I said that was fine but that he wasn't welcome to come with her. THEN the conversation about whether we'd stay in touch with her if he weren't around came up. Guys, I cannot begin to tell you how angry I am. Literally, my hands are shaking as I write this. I cannot believe anyone would be so selfish and I'm completely disgusted and revolted by both of them. Can anyone make sense of their opinions above? To me, you'd have to be the most self absorbed and inconsiderate people in the world to be thinking about yourself at a time like this. I cannot believe they are making an already impossible situation so much worse. I do welcome your feedback either way. Jan 28 21 06:08 am Link I'm so sorry for your loss, I have no answers but I do wish you well, and hope that you get some type of closure with your mom. You may in time wish to speak with a professional about your own feelings in regard to all this. Not that you are in anyway in the wrong a you are not. Quite the contrary, it may help get someone else's perspective who is trained in these types of family matters. Jan 28 21 06:15 am Link JQuest wrote: Thank you so much for your kindness. I can't even begin to cope with what's happening. I'm a mess and I don't see a way forward, I'm just existing. Jan 28 21 07:09 am Link I'm very sorry, Kelly, for your loss and what you are going through. One possible suggestion, just in case it's of any use. Should you have another conversation with your father before the funeral, maybe try the "we're just trying to honor her wishes on the day of her funeral, right or wrong..." approach. That might help to tone it down for your Father. If it doesn't, well you've tried, and that's all you can do. It's such a difficult time and everyone's emotions are, naturally, very raw. I wish you all the strength and compassion (both for yourself and others) that you need to get through these times. We are all pulling for you. Jan 28 21 09:07 am Link Kelly Kooper wrote: Family relationships from immediate family members to extended family from blood relations and marriages can be absolutely great to situatons resulting in possible violence. Every family group is unique and different. Given the pluses and minuses of what I have gone through with immediate and extended family, my only suggestion is do what works best for you. Jan 28 21 09:24 am Link Kelly Kooper wrote: Very sorry for the loss of your mother, Kelly. Jan 28 21 09:59 am Link |
