KonstantKarma wrote:


You guys suck at trying to be Dear Abby.

LOL... agreed! 

AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then?

Put your big girl panties on, and tell him you love him but he has to stay his ass home.  CASE CLOSED!  It takes two to fight.  Enjoy your modeling career and enjoy your marriage.  Don't bring it up every again.

Tim Media wrote:

Put your big girl panties on, and tell him you love him but he has to stay his ass home.  CASE CLOSED!  It takes two to fight.  Enjoy your modeling career and enjoy your marriage.  Don't bring it up every again.

This is the worst advice in the thread. At 29 she is not going to have a career with modeling. It is going to be a hobby unless she starts doing nudes. Going into the marriage she agreed to stop modeling. She would be choosing a hobby over her marriage.

When you marry, selfish atitudes like this need to go out the window. This is why we have a high divorce rate if this is a prevailing attitude in general. This isn't a man vs woman controlling issue. It works both ways.

AmieS wrote:
Basically i modeled up until 2009.. he knew this when we were engaged and was thrilled however when we got engaged he did not want me to take part in anymore Nudes or lingerie etc. He feels my body is for his eyes only now which I respect. However... I got into contact w a photogapher on here I have been really wanting to shoot with over the years and he said we need to talk first I thought you were done... your a mom now you dont need to model anymore. Well... I figure since Ill be 30 next month and I dont look it... I may give it one more shot see where it gets me.. Course this being said I know how modeling goes since Ive done it since i was 21. Some shoots and some photographers dont want the spouse bf or lover there because or the tension or stress on the model of performing... and my husbands questions where...

where is this shoot at?
How much are you being paid and why are you agreeing to free.. you should be paid ( not understanding that sometimes it takes TFP to get to the good paid lol....
and can i come... if my wife is being photographed i want to watch...

personally I think its insecurities that are pulling him away... and its driving me nuts!

It really depends on whether or not you AGREED to stop modelling before marrying him. If you agreed to it beforehand, you really don't have a case. Sometimes marriage takes compromise, and regardless of reasoning, if you agreed to stop modelling BEFORE he married you, then you are in the wrong here and you're going to have to be an adult and accept the consequences. You can't just "change your mind" after marriage if you had already agreed to stop beforehand. But, if he was just stating that he "didn't like it" but you never said you would quit, then he should have seen it as a possibility.
Personally, sounds like you married a controlling jackass, but it wouldn't hurt to find photographers who ARE comfortable with your spouse coming alone at first. Allow him to come to a few shoots on the grounds that if he starts being disruptive, he will have to leave. By allowing him to come along to shoots, it may actually help him to better understand modelling. I've met too many guys who are convinced that all models have sex with their photographers. (I got dumped by a guy who accused me of sleeping with a photographer who I hadn't even met yet, so I know crazy when it comes to guys).
When it comes down to it, don't let any man control you. Try to be understanding, but stand your ground at the same time. He doesn't own you, you are not his property, and your body belongs to you. Tell him that you will agree to refrain from nudes, but he needs to agree to trust you when you're doing non-nude modelling. If it's still a no go, file for divorce. Anyone unwilling to make compromise shouldn't be in a relationship anyhow.

AmieS wrote:
Well.. here is the update... We sat.. talked... argued a little.. talked some more.. and I have a confirmed shoot and a week later got offered a interview for a hair show He still is not thrilled but when i said fine stop being a firefighter.. he said ok.. and posted his gear for sale! after much discussion he agreed with me i can do this. He is worried I will waste gas driving to all these shoots and never get paid. Then we are out $$ for gas etc. But once i explained more on how it works.. he seems fine. As far as him going w me he is curious... but said if he cant go he understands ....

Sounds to me like you are both growing, learning about each other and your desires.  With a wife are gorgeous as you, I'd be jealous, too -- hell, I was back when, and I'm not even a macho firefighter!

His job involves a significant measure of risk.  Frankly, he might not come home from a call some time.  If you haven't faced that, you need to.  But you trust him to use his judgement to keep himself safe.

He has to learn to trust you, too, trust your judgement regarding those you choose to work with.  You're not working Craig's list, you're not doing porn or anything.  With reasonable precautions, a few gallons of gas is your greatest risk.  Upside is 100x that.  Sounds good to me.

Maybe you could work out a deal with your photographer -- explain the situation, how your husband is really curious what goes on, and would they mind letting him sit in for a shoot, so long as he keeps his mouth shut and does as he's told.  If everything works and hubby approves, maybe offer another TF session solo in exchange.  Consider it an investment.

K I C K H A M wrote:
Decide where your priorities lie.

But, really, if my boyfriend told me what I could or could not do, I would see that as a serious flaw in our relationship. He doesn't make my decisions for me, and I don't make his for him. Any sort of controlling behavior like that would set me off pretty quickly.

I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Explain what your job is, why you like it, and why it's important to you. Let him voice why he thinks it's a bad idea.

If he has logical concerns, consider them. If there is a place to come to a compromise, consider it.

But, really, it wouldn't be the fear of losing modeling that would bother me in this situation, it would be the fact that my spouse thinks he can decide what hobbies and/or jobs I participate in. Unless he is funding them or they are getting in the way of my ability to support myself/ my share of bills/ and my ability to be a good spouse, it's really not his decision.

I agree with kickham it's really up to you not him either you decide to quit or you decide to keep going really should have been discussed way before getting married if the love is there the support and trust should be too

AmieS wrote:
Kinda sucks that my modeling is over because of my age... i know some women who are in magazines model into 70s...

im 30 next month and still get carded for alcohol and asked when i gradaute college.... and i thought 5'7 was a decent hight

If your modeling is over because of your age, why is it a conflict with your husband, from whom you're apparently already divorced . . . . .

AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then?

Didn't he know beforehand? That sort of stuff should have been discussed.

Edit: Ok, I understand compromise but that's controlling.

Justin C Gorden wrote:
as a man that has a girlfriend that is model I have decided to try to understand what she's into you also gotta understand that most men aren't use to totheir women going off on long tripss
it is something that we have to get used to but you also have to see it from our point of view we are told we can't be around for these nude shoot because most photographers won't let us and as for me that is very difficult but what you have to do is sit down and actually talk about it to your spouse reassure them and tell them that you love them only and you always come back to them it just takes time to understand

Is that...one sentence? lol

KonstantKarma wrote:


You guys suck at trying to be Dear Abby.

JONATHAN RICHARD wrote:

See if you can arrange for a Husband /Wife swap with this poor sap and make a go at it.

lol.

The F-Stop wrote:
Have a head ache more often in bed n he'll change his mind real fast!

lol.

AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then?

Would never be with someone like that "just cause you got married"

Mine supports me and trusts me, and we made sure of that initially before a relationship transpired.  He accepts me as I am and what makes me happy, and I the same for him.

optimistic negatives wrote:
It makes me sick to see how many people here are advocating for divorce.

Sick.

It's no wonder that our divorce rate is so high when so many people put so little value  in marriage.

When you make wedding vows, you make a covenant, you make a contract and a promise that you will do whatever it takes to STAY married to that person for the rest of your lives.

I read through the first few pages of this, but I desperately hope that you didn't follow the advice I saw.

In my opinion, what you need is for you and your husband to speak with a mediator and COMMUNICATE. Marriage counseling is invaluable for ALL married couples, however going to a modeling forum to complain about your husband's insecurities is NOT going to be beneficial for your marriage or for your happiness. These forums are NOT marriage counseling.

You made a lifelong commitment to this man. You married his insecurities, his flaws, his passions, his failures, his successes, his dreams, each of his endearing qualities, and every single one of the rest of his years of life.

He also did the same for you.

Guess what. Everyone is messed up. Everyone fails. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone struggles. Divorce this guy? Well, the next guy is going to have issues too.

That's what the commitment is for. The commitment is for you to realize that when both of you fail, when both of you SUCK, when both of you are completely awful at being married, that there is a covenant between you that PREVENTS you from giving up. Your ring, your vows, and your marriage require you to work this out.

It sounds like your husband may have inherited the religious viewpoint that because the man is "head of the household" he is also "ruler of his family". I'm not trying to step on any toes, but if you hold to Christian beliefs, then a good person to speak to would be a pastor or priest. The misconception that a man is the ruler of his family has proliferated throughout much of society.

The truth is, as laid out in The Bible, that man IS the head of the household, but that position is not one of a dictator. A man is called to lead his wife by serving her, to say "the buck stops with me", to love her and mend her wounds and stride to meet her needs as he guides her through life. The wife is not a servant, and she is not less than the man. Her advice is invaluable to the husband, her feelings and her desires are not second to her husband's, but she must also respect him. A perfect picture of the marriage relationship is drawn between Christ and the Church. Christ, the husband, loved the church(the bride) and served them, washing their feet and laying his life down for them daily, working himself to exhaustion to love them, and finally dying to save them. At the same time, Christ lead the church and guided them where they needed to go.

From a biblical standpoint, your husband is failing to recognize the true relationship of husband and bride, as he is not your ruler, but you are also failing to respect him by taking this to a modeling forum instead of having meaningful discussion with him, and perhaps a counselor.

Is there anything wrong with you wanting to model? No. Not at all.

Is your husband comfortable with it? No. Not at all.

Does that mean you shouldn't model? That isn't for us to decide, or even our place to tell you. However I have to say that your priority should be your marriage. Keep in mind, I did NOT say that your priority should be appealing to your husband's insecurities. You don't have to let him walk over you, and you don't have to give up your dreams, but you do need to work this out with him. Maybe there can be a compromise that will enable you to do this shoot and keep him happy. Maybe his insecurities need to be dealt with first, and then you can model all you want after. Maybe his insecurities will take years to straighten out, and you'll have to put modeling on the side for that time. That happens. That's life. That's marriage. Just like any other situation, the marriage has to come first. Wanted to go to Europe for a month, got pregnant? Looks like you're staying home. Wanted to go to college, but your husband got in a terrible accident and can't work? Looks like you're going to have to work days and take night classes.

If you're having trouble seeing things from his perspective, then consider the following scenario: Your husband really likes cars and used to spend a lot of time and money working on them, but when you were dating he said he wouldn't be building anymore cars from the ground up. You were happy because you knew how much time and money that required. After being married for a few years, your husband comes home one day and tells you, "Hey, I want to buy the new Corvette. My friend is offering me the deal of a lifetime, so I'm not going to pass it up." So the Corvette may cost 90% of your savings, leaving you feeling financially insecure. Many(not all) women place a great deal of importance on feeling financially secure. Many men place a great deal of importance on feeling emotionally/relationally secure. You tell your husband "no way". He gets on his car forums and says "My friend offered me a Corvette for $xxx and my wife is telling me no! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. She knew I loved cars and always wanted a Corvette. What do you guys think? What should I do?" I'm sure the resounding opinion would be, "she knew you were a car guy! There is no way I would pass up that deal. She's being ridiculous, you'll still have $xxx in the bank". Your husband would be wrong for going to them instead of sitting down to discuss the situation with you. Would it be right for him to get the car? Maybe not.

Marriage is all about communication, compromise, and perseverance. So talk to him, work with him, and never give up on him. We all suck sometimes.

brb

AmieS wrote:
Basically i modeled up until 2009.. he knew this when we were engaged and was thrilled however when we got engaged he did not want me to take part in anymore Nudes or lingerie etc. He feels my body is for his eyes only now which I respect. However... I got into contact w a photogapher on here I have been really wanting to shoot with over the years and he said we need to talk first I thought you were done... your a mom now you dont need to model anymore. Well... I figure since Ill be 30 next month and I dont look it... I may give it one more shot see where it gets me.. Course this being said I know how modeling goes since Ive done it since i was 21. Some shoots and some photographers dont want the spouse bf or lover there because or the tension or stress on the model of performing... and my husbands questions where...

where is this shoot at?
How much are you being paid and why are you agreeing to free.. you should be paid ( not understanding that sometimes it takes TFP to get to the good paid lol....
and can i come... if my wife is being photographed i want to watch...

personally I think its insecurities that are pulling him away... and its driving me nuts!

You have a problem.  He is controlling.

Erlinda wrote:
you are a 29 year old woman. Modelling is pretty much over for you unless you want to do it as a hobby. At your age and hight commercial/fashion modelling is not going to happen but nude etc might. But if your husband is not open minding about you doing nude work and only clothed expect to always be working TFP/hobby.

Have fun but don't think your husband is stoping you from having a career in modelling. It's not him, it's your age and hight.

I have photographed 40 year old models nude. 

JonPhoto wrote:
Pretty simple. You decide if you want a marriage or modeling career. This should have been decided way before getting married.

+1000
I would suggest you two go to marriage counseling. perhaps you could work through this.
also, considering your stats, age & experience, you should think realistically about what is more important to you.

Miss Photog wrote:

+1000
I would suggest you two go to marriage counseling. perhaps you could work through this.
also, considering your stats, age & experience, you should think realistically about what is more important to you.

Why can't she have both? Women do it all the time.

KenBrandon wrote:
Several questions have to be answered:

1. Do you enjoy modeling ?....if so, noone (not even a husband) has a right to deny you being who you are.
You are his wife,.... not his daughter, and not his slave.

2. Did he know you were a model before ?
If he did, then he can't get weird now. He married you as you are, and he needs to accept you as you are.

3. Offer him a chance to be included in what you do in a POSITIVE way, then inform him this is the woman you are; and you will do what you will do. The sooner he accepts that the better. If he cannot accept you for who you are - then perhaps he needs to reconsider his decision.

I've been in a relationship with someone who didn't like the subject matter of my photography....
Although I value input; I (as gently as I could) informed her that I will do what I will do weather she likes it or not.

Constructive criticism, true honest input, and HELPFULL advice should always be welcomed...but no human being has a right to tell another to stop doing what they love.

This is 9 pages long, already been covered and answered.

JonPhoto wrote:
Yep, bad advice to say "tough, I'm going anyway"

I think we all get emotional because this is about modeling and photography. Take that out of the equation.

Here's the situation now.

Before we got married, I agreed to my future spouse that I would give up a certain activity. Since I loved the person I gave it up. Now that I'm married, I want to do it again. What should I do to convince my spouse I want to do that again?

The problem is not modeling. It is going back on an agreement.

I agree the problem is not modeling -- but the agreement was silly, not practical, and not relevant to the issue. This is who she is, what she does, and she loves it. He coerced her into an "agreement" that was about her changing into a more suitable version of her, for him.

What's behind this is his fear that she'll find somebody better -- and with all those people looking at her, with an emphasis on her beauty, that "better" person will surely be attracted, and he'll be left. He just needs her to turn her light down a bit, so that "better man" won't see her and steal her away.

It's a very human trait, this tendency to believe "I'm not good enough." Most of us have some form of it -- and when it starts pushing people around in relationships, we either get a handle on it, or it gets a handle on us, and sooner or later we blow the relationship up.

Jakov Markovic wrote:
If you are not an agency represented model, and are not living of of it, just give it up.

It is really important not to fall into a trap of constant shoots that only exhaust you physically and mentally, and that are not leading anywhere.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WORKING IN/OPENING YOUR OWN MODELING AGENCY?

Maybe you just love modeling world, and you can still be a part of it, without being an actual model.

Oh, HELL no.

This advice is akin to "since you haven't made a giant success of your art, you should give it up."  You painters who haven't sold ten thousand dollar canvases, you singers who haven't struck that hit record, you writers who are self-publishing novels, you actors who work in community theatre --- all because you love the art, because it's part of who you are --- just give it up.

Don't fall into the trap of working in the art that you love -- all that creativity will just exhaust you.

Feh.