Figures Jen B wrote:

Dang. Jules, he is not your equal in any way at all then.
Jen

I think people make demands when they've had a very negative experience and don't want to repeat it.
People full of fear can do and say some pretty outrageous things, yet in clarity you see one's true intentions.

Currently a great effort is being made and I'm receptive to all that what is. 
I will eventually see what will come to fruition to see what makes me feel safe.

One person can't have all their bases loaded, protected and not care/protect the other person.  You can share a home, but can you share a life?

Monad Studios wrote:

About 18% of men 25-34 in the US live with their parents.

Thank goodness I date men older than this. I have ran across a few men who lived with their parents. Unless a parent is ill it's not going to work out with me. I had one guy say he lived in an apartment above their garage so it wasn't really living "with" them. Next!

Isis22 wrote:
Thank goodness I date men older than this. I have ran across a few men who lived with their parents. Unless a parent is ill it's not going to work out with me. I had one guy say he lived in an apartment above their garage so it wasn't really living "with" them. Next!

If you are living on your parent's property, it is not living on your own.  Better than living in the house of course, but certainly not on your own.

If said person had their own apartment/condo/house most of their lives and were living in said arrangement to re-organize their life, that would not phase me one bit - garage apartment, in the house, whatever.  It's funny... timing and all.  You can look like a great success one moment and an asshole the next, but personal history should account for something.

This is not gender specific.

On that note, how is said arrangement any different really in theory than living with a wife/husband? 
*Poof*!  Roles instantly change from loser person living on parent's property to husband/wife and settled?

SKPhoto wrote:
The number of men that I know of who don't work, have no intention of working, but their wives/girlfriends do, and provide for them like their  mom, up to and including an allowance...is pretty damn frightening.


Apparently I've gone down the wrong path working my ass off.

I have no interest of marrying a little boy, I want to marry a man.
No, you have not gone down the wrong path if you want to have a non-parental relationship with a partner.

Monad Studios wrote:
About 18% of men 25-34 in the US live with their parents.

Fair enough, though that's a far cry from the 80% that she's running into.

But let the record show that about 82% of men 25-34 in the US DO NOT live with their parents. I repeat: 4 out of 5 men are not living with their parents, folks.

So I consider myself rightfully befuddled as to how she could so consistently run into that many who do live with their parents.

Kincaid Blackwood wrote:
So I consider myself rightfully befuddled as to how she could so consistently run into that many who do live with their parents.

My boyfriend owns his own condo and has stability for the rest of his life, hence the origin of this thread.  The stability isn't a lot of money, but still stability. 

In the past I've dated a variety of schmucks no doubt.  Not all though.  One is a CEO of a company you all know I'm sure.  Two dates and I wasn't interested despite the fact he was a really cool person and looked good in a flight uniform.

As for the rest and my personal history, music.

Jules NYC wrote:

If you are living on your parent's property, it is not living on your own.  Better than living in the house of course, but certainly not on your own.

If said person had their own apartment/condo/house most of their lives and were living in said arrangement to re-organize their life, that would not phase me one bit - garage apartment, in the house, whatever.  It's funny... timing and all.  You can look like a great success one moment and an asshole the next, but personal history should account for something.

This is not gender specific.

On that note, how is said arrangement any different really in theory than living with a wife/husband? 
*Poof*!  Roles instantly change from loser person living on parent's property to husband/wife and settled?

In my case, my husband to be had shitty credit and would not have gotten our house without me and my good credit. So, the house was in both of our names.

I really have very little issue with a man saying yes, I live with my parents. Trying to basically lie and say he is not is the problem. Man up to the truth. Shit does indeed happen. Just be honest. Keep in mind I am 48 and don't really date much younger than men in their 40's. If I were a lot younger I would probably be a lot more lenient with my views because I would be dating younger people who I don't expect to have their shit together as much.

Isis22 wrote:
...h a man saying yes, I live with my parents.....

Boys are lazy and who cooks better than Mummy ?

scrymettet wrote:

Boys are lazy and who cooks better than Mummy ?

I was raised by a woman who said charcoal was good for our systems. She once burned potatoes she was boiling. She would start out every dish at the same time. If you had a good cook for a mother you were lucky!

Isis22 wrote:
In my case, my husband to be had shitty credit and would not have gotten our house without me and my good credit. So, the house was in both of our names.

I always thought having a house in both names is the ultimate way to truly share whenever/however it was/is acquired.
What was never a problem becomes a problem only when two people divorce.

Credit affects both parties in marriage.

Isis22 wrote:

I was raised by a woman who said charcoal was good for our systems. She once burned potatoes she was boiling. She would start out every dish at the same time. If you had a good cook for a mother you were lucky!

yup and her Black forest cakes were lethal. Too good to stop before sugary comatose

Jules NYC wrote:
I don't know about anyone else, but I sure love the ability to get the fuck out when I'm not happy.
Period.

About a decade ago I knew a girl whose boyfriend took away all her shoes and locked them up where she couldn't get to them to keep her from leaving.  She lived barefoot in his house for months.

Schlake wrote:

About a decade ago I knew a girl whose boyfriend took away all her shoes and locked them up where she couldn't get to them to keep her from leaving.  She lived barefoot in his house for months.

She has two legs doesn't she?

Did said person live in Antarctica?

Schlake wrote:

About a decade ago I knew a girl whose boyfriend took away all her shoes and locked them up where she couldn't get to them to keep her from leaving.  She lived barefoot in his house for months.

About a decade + ago I guy I know whose girlfriend lived with him, made him miserable for 8 of the ten years they were together.  Money kept them both from leaving.  He caught her sucking someone else's dick in the latter part of their living arrangement.

These two are still 'friends' albeit they hardly talk to each other at all, except when she needs something like a toilet fixed or some Motrin when she has a really bad period.

This guy I know is my boyfriend.

Jules NYC wrote:

She has two legs doesn't she?

Did said person live in Antarctica?

She wasn't the kind of person to escape without shoes.  I'd already moved her out of his house once.  When she moved back in with him, she told me I'd brainwashed her into thinking he had abused her and none of it had ever happened.  I left her there the second time.

Figures Jen B wrote:

Dang. Jules, he is not your equal in any way at all then.
Jen

I think you're right Jen.

Jules NYC wrote:

I always thought having a house in both names is the ultimate way to truly share whenever/however it was/is acquired.
What was never a problem becomes a problem only when two people divorce.

Credit affects both parties in marriage.

In my case, my ex-husband wanted things in both of our names in case he ever got sued. Yep, now THAT'S true love.

Isis22 wrote:
In my case, my ex-husband wanted things in both of our names in case he ever got sued. Yep, now THAT'S true love.

That sucks. I'm sorry.

It's really too bad how people use other people to their advantage. 
What's really sad is that I have my entire life to build money, create something and the boyfriend here is putting so many demands on me, it's unfair.

In the end, he'll listen to what his controlling Mama says anyway so I don't know why I'm even trying.

Jules NYC wrote:
I don't like being on a short leash.
It's just getting exhausting.

I have to have x saved up.
I have to have all my student loans paid off.
WTF

I have to live with him 3-5 years before we get married.
He doesn't want to celebrate holidays.

He is listening everyone's advice besides what I want.

Ugh

I've always thought that if I were with someone who meant that much to me, I wouldn't move in with them (or let them move in with me) until and unless we were married. That, to me, fixes all the this is your house but I paid the mortgage for the last 5 years crap.  This isn't her home or my home. This is our home and we spent our money to pay for it. If things don't work out and there has to be a separation or even end of the the union, it won't be because I was controlling or trying to control her and vice versa.

We may well have 2 cars and I may drive this one more but we still have 2 cars.  We have a bank account. I'm all for having separate bank accounts, too (married doesn't mean dead, IMO) but we need to have an account for our money.

In other words, we, we, we ... us, us, us, our, our, our ... you get the idea.

I'm not one who celebrates most holidays the way most people celebrate them. I understand that many people enjoy these things and/or they are huge parts of their life. I tell them I'm not celebrating them up front. If it's a problem, tell me now and we can nip this in the bud. I dated a woman who said it was no problem, but 2 years down the road she started the whining about it.  When I reminded her that I said I wouldn't do it in the beginning, she admitted that she thought I'd change if I loved her enough. I told her it had zero to do with love and everything to do with what I believe. She didn't buy it. I should've broken it off right then but I thought that maybe she'd come around to the idea that not everyone does things the same way she does. Stupid me.

Unfortunately, with most women I dated, it was never about we or us. It was always about "me" for them. It didn't matter what I personally wanted, how it would benefit us or how much I thought she'd like it in the end. It only mattered what she wanted right now, even if she'd admit that it would cost more, take more work and not be as nice in the end. Those relationships ended almost as soon as they started.

I don't ever want to feel I'm on a short leash. i don't ever want to feel I have to keep someone on a short leash, either. If I can't trust them implicitly, we don't need to be together.

Lovely Day Media wrote:

I've always thought that if I were with someone who meant that much to me, I wouldn't move in with them (or let them move in with me) until and unless we were married. That, to me, fixes all the this is your house but I paid the mortgage for the last 5 years crap.  This isn't her home or my home. This is our home and we spent our money to pay for it. If things don't work out and there has to be a separation or even end of the the union, it won't be because I was controlling or trying to control her and vice versa.

We may well have 2 cars and I may drive this one more but we still have 2 cars.  We have a bank account. I'm all for having separate bank accounts, too (married doesn't mean dead, IMO) but we need to have an account for our money.

In other words, we, we, we ... us, us, us, our, our, our ... you get the idea.

I'm not one who celebrates most holidays the way most people celebrate them. I understand that many people enjoy these things and/or they are huge parts of their life. I tell them I'm not celebrating them up front. If it's a problem, tell me now and we can nip this in the bud. I dated a woman who said it was no problem, but 2 years down the road she started the whining about it.  When I reminded her that I said I wouldn't do it in the beginning, she admitted that she thought I'd change if I loved her enough. I told her it had zero to do with love and everything to do with what I believe. She didn't buy it. I should've broken it off right then but I thought that maybe she'd come around to the idea that not everyone does things the same way she does. Stupid me.

Unfortunately, with most women I dated, it was never about we or us. It was always about "me" for them. It didn't matter what I personally wanted, how it would benefit us or how much I thought she'd like it in the end. It only mattered what she wanted right now, even if she'd admit that it would cost more, take more work and not be as nice in the end. Those relationships ended almost as soon as they started.

I don't ever want to feel I'm on a short leash. i don't ever want to feel I have to keep someone on a short leash, either. If I can't trust them implicitly, we don't need to be together.

I believe in we, our, us, etc.  What I am noticing is a mine, yours attitude that was heavily instilled by his mother.  She's a woman that still has secret bank accounts from her husband.

I think the last of my worries is this money thing.  He is a very angry person.  I am not.

Jules NYC wrote:
I believe in we, our, us, etc.  What I am noticing is a mine, yours attitude that was heavily instilled by his mother.  She's a woman that still has secret bank accounts from her husband.

I think the last of my worries is this money thing.  He is a very angry person.  I am not.

I believe that. My last ex was a really angry person, too. Everything had to be her way or it was because I didn't love her. That got really old, really fast.

She thought I should be just like her father and she could be just like her mother and we'd get married and stay together 60 years before someone dies (unfortunately). Only problem is I'm not her father and try as she might, she's not her mother. What worked for them may not work for us and we have no idea what they went through to get to where they are/were.  She couldn't believe that, though, because their relationship was "perfect".

I understand that even in a "perfect" relationship, there are going to be disagreements or even arguments unless one is the other's puppet, especially in the beginning. 2 people from 2 families and 2 backgrounds need time to come together to decide what "our way" is going to be.  There is a difference between disagreeing and arguing. There is also a difference between arguing and arguing heatedly.

So ... I'm still single and waiting for someone to show up who understands everyone is an individual and shouldn't be measured by anyone else's stick. I'm 100% prepared to accept that I may never meet this person (and they have an interest in me, I mean, as there are many who can accept me as an individual but most of them are already married or live 3,000 miles away). 

In a relationship, money and fidelity are part of my trust issues. If I can't trust someone financially, we shouldn't be together. If I can't trust them to not cheat, we won't be together. I'm not going to go into forensics to catch them spending too much money or cheating. When it's exposed, it'll be out there with no doubt about things. The relationship is over, she'll know what she did and she'll only have herself to blame.  If I added to the grief, I can accept that, but if she doesn't say anything, how would I know?  If I ask if everything is okay and she says yes, it means she wasn't honest. How does one trust someone who isn't honest?

I think I'm going to be single for a long long time to come.

Jules NYC wrote:

That sucks. I'm sorry.

It's really too bad how people use other people to their advantage. 
What's really sad is that I have my entire life to build money, create something and the boyfriend here is putting so many demands on me, it's unfair.

In the end, he'll listen to what his controlling Mama says anyway so I don't know why I'm even trying.

Do not be with someone who sucks the joy out of life or out of you. I am a person who celebrates even little holidays. My son is named Patrick so he always gets a shirt for St Patty's Day. This year I bought my daughter socks with shamrocks all over them to wear. I bought a sparkly green bow tie for myself.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I got married. I found out when both of my children were small that my ex-husband's parents had filed bankruptcy years earlier. They go on vacations at least once a year to Las Vegas, Mexico or Europe. They haven't even paid off their house and one is now retired. I thought since my ex had a degree in Mathematics he would be smart with money. I found out during our divorce he had taken a SECOND loan on his SUV. I didn't fathom how he would ruin my credit. If you have hesitations about someone listen to your gut. I wish I had taken just maybe another year to get to know my ex-husband and his family and their secrets. You can't undo decades of someone's fucked up thinking about money or anything else.

Lovely Day Media wrote:
I understand that even in a "perfect" relationship, there are going to be disagreements or even arguments unless one is the other's puppet, especially in the beginning. 2 people from 2 families and 2 backgrounds need time to come together to decide what "our way" is going to be.  There is a difference between disagreeing and arguing. There is also a difference between arguing and arguing heatedly.

This struck a chord with me. 
I wrote something then erased it due to the nature of the words, here on the internet.
It was an interesting read but damn it, can't post on the net.

The boyfriend is a puppet to his mother and now, one of his friends is pushing his religion on him VERY strong (yikes). Sometimes when I talk to the boyfriend I feel like I'm talking to his mother or his friend.  I used to think he was his own man but now, not so much.

I'm at my wits end and honestly?  This money thing has no value to me but I know I don't want to live with an angry man with a controlling mother trying to make all of his decisions for the rest of his life until she dies.  If he had a kick-ass oceanfront beach house, it would be the same scenario - he being an angry, controlling man. Truth is, what he's so boastful about, having property and shaming me for not having my own... the very thing he's so vehemently trying to fucking protect is a teeny-tiny basement condo worth about 70K.  My student loans are more than what half of his home is worth.

If money truly meant something to me, I wouldn't have dated him at all.

... and that's that.

P.S. the cherry on the sundae?
He's getting off Zanax.

Look up Zanax withdrawl.
It's GOD AWFUL
Dealing with a Son-of-a-bitch for no good reason with a real bitch blaming it all on *YOU*!
Yay!

Isis22 wrote:
Do not be with someone who sucks the joy out of life or out of you. I am a person who celebrates even little holidays. My son is named Patrick so he always gets a shirt for St Patty's Day. This year I bought my daughter socks with shamrocks all over them to wear. I bought a sparkly green bow tie for myself.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I got married. I found out when both of my children were small that my ex-husband's parents had filed bankruptcy years earlier. They go on vacations at least once a year to Las Vegas, Mexico or Europe. They haven't even paid off their house and one is now retired. I thought since my ex had a degree in Mathematics he would be smart with money. I found out during our divorce he had taken a SECOND loan on his SUV. I didn't fathom how he would ruin my credit. If you have hesitations about someone listen to your gut. I wish I had taken just maybe another year to get to know my ex-husband and his family and their secrets. You can't undo decades of someone's fucked up thinking about money or anything else.

Oh man.

Well, honesty is not the issue here; it's a myriad of issues.
I always kept up with the Fed, never filed bankruptcy and just lived life.
Kind of kicking myself that I didn't start a 401K in my early 20's but if I did, I wouldn't have been able to afford my rent in San Diego, Hollywood, Manhattan, etc.  Boston & San Francisco I went to college so I can't really count that.

My first apartment was in San Francisco.
It was so beautiful:)

I always bought a used car in cash.
Right now I'm up for a couple Project Coordination jobs that pay well.  What is exciting me is an Editorial Asst. position I'm being considered for at Yale.

I was working at Prudential not too long ago. 
I scare boring companies with my movement but inspire the right companies with my experience.

I never thought my financial picture besides being responsible (as best I can) would be highlighted with a floodlight in a negative way, but meh, it is.

I'm doing the very best I can and for me, that's good enough.

As for holidays, I'm not a religious person, never was.  I do however LOVE to dress up for Halloween, have a Thanksgiving dinner, paint Easter eggs, enjoy a Christmas tree lighting... and of course, birthdays!!!! Yay!!!!

I'd even celebrate Valentine's Day too without complaint.
Why not?!

Sure there are 365 days of the year and I want to enjoy them with joy, every year.

Again, I'm just doing the best I can and my best is good enough for me.

Jules NYC wrote:
I'm doing the very best I can and for me, that's good enough.

This is or should be the bottom line, IMO.  There is always going to be someone who disagrees, some stronger than others. There will always be someone to tell you what you should, shouldn't, need or don't need to do. There is always ... you get the idea.

Some will get mad when/if you ignore their advice but there are 2 things for me: 1, they aren't me so they don't know all the reasons or ramifications to the decision I've made and 2, if things don't work out, I'm the one who will have to live with the aftermath.

It's nice to have family and/or friends who care but if I'm going down, I'm doing it my way. If they don't like it, tough fecal matter.  I'm done listening to people who put their own slant, fear, insecurity and other negative propaganda into the decisions they make and want me to, also. When things don't work out the way they said they would, then they say "oops" but I'm the one left with the fecal matter to deal with and sometimes for years.

I highly recommend this for everyone. It may not be the easiest and may not always work out for the best but at least one won't be able to blame anyone else.

Sabrina Maree wrote:

Please, extrapolate. Because I'm not following. I won't date someone without future plans and passions that will benefit them monetarily. This is superficial how? I think it's a pretty basic requirement. I won't date bum.

cue TLC's "No Scrubs"

You mean elaborate...right?

And what do you have to offer as far as "future plans/potential"?

You are admittedly hard to date. Other than your looks (which are transitory), what do you have to offer as far as "future plans/passions/potential"?

(Of course, you could have had it all if you just could learn to love extremely rich men, right?) lol

Like the man said...very superficial.

Once your Playboy-style looks are gone, your life should be VERY interesting to observe...from afar.

Image K wrote:
You mean elaborate...right?

And what do you have to offer as far as "future plans/potential"?

You are admittedly hard to date. Other than your looks (which are transitory), what do you have to offer as far as "future plans/passions/potential"?

(Of course, you could have had it all if you just could learn to love extremely rich men, right?) lol

Like the man said...very superficial.

Once your Playboy-style looks are gone, your life should be VERY interesting to observe...from afar.

I don't know this woman but I kind of have to stick up for her here.

First off, I honestly don't think women 'lose their looks' unless their DNA is to shit.  Note Jane Seymour, Christie Brinkley, etc.  Sure, as we age we don't have youth on our side, yet as I'm getting older I am noticing more and more men & women as really beautiful.  Yes, I can have the whole discussion about inner/outer beauty but what I'm talking about is physical beauty here.  If physical beauty is a commodity (something that you can lose), then isn't THAT superficial?

Would other elements of your person (inside) become invaluable as you get older as well?  Just a thought.

As for she being in Playboy, well I used to work for the video production company for Playboy in Hollywood.  I met a lot of models and some were super nice, some were whack jobs... just like anyone in any job, separate from the art/entertainment world. I worked as a model once (with clothes on) in a vid, but mostly I worked in the office and in production in West Hollywood.  I think it's fair to say I have a 'vested opinion'?

Yes I have to agree that it *may* appear superficial as all of the elements of superficiality may be in a nice row... pretty girl, works for Playboy, 'young', wants a particular standard, etc.

How is that any different from a woman who has a great job/average job/no job/whatever circumstance and wants a particular life for herself?  How many mothers of the MM community were housewives here?  It was a different time and all of that was acceptable with gender roles, etc.  If a woman 'in the day' wanted security then wanting a particular lifestyle doesn't seem so superficial esp. if she wants kids.  Then or now, we want what we want and if both parties agree, who's to say it's superficial at all?

It's funny because for me, I always make decent/good money (when I'm on a contract job - I don't usually work full-time/salary... how else would I do music/modeling/art, etc.).  I always figured I'd be with someone who had as much or more than me.  Not to sound rude but it's easy from afar to judge someone else's life.

It really wouldn't be difficult esp. where I live (no I don't live in Manhattan right now) to 'land a rich guy' as there's million-dollar houses all up my road.  I just didn't choose who I fell in love with by dollars and cents.  That's the 'non-superficial' part of it so it seems.

Bottom line, maybe this woman makes 80K herself and wants something equal to her current lifestyle.  Maybe she doesn't but that's not what's in question.  I think it took balls to admit that she wants X, Y, Z.  I personally want a certain lifestyle myself but very willing to make it happen myself for the person I love.

I got submitted for a contract job in CT for over that base 80K 'standard' if I work every day.  Considering I don't get paid holidays and shit and considering net pay, I can pay of my student loans in a year easily if I get it.

So I'm not one to talk money and shit, but from my view, I get pissed when people get on my fucking case about it in any circumstance.

Lovely Day Media wrote:
This is or should be the bottom line, IMO.  There is always going to be someone who disagrees, some stronger than others. There will always be someone to tell you what you should, shouldn't, need or don't need to do. There is always ... you get the idea.

Some will get mad when/if you ignore their advice but there are 2 things for me: 1, they aren't me so they don't know all the reasons or ramifications to the decision I've made and 2, if things don't work out, I'm the one who will have to live with the aftermath.

It's nice to have family and/or friends who care but if I'm going down, I'm doing it my way. If they don't like it, tough fecal matter.  I'm done listening to people who put their own slant, fear, insecurity and other negative propaganda into the decisions they make and want me to, also. When things don't work out the way they said they would, then they say "oops" but I'm the one left with the fecal matter to deal with and sometimes for years.

I highly recommend this for everyone. It may not be the easiest and may not always work out for the best but at least one won't be able to blame anyone else.

I thought about what you said and really appreciate what you wrote.
Much has come to clarity here.

I fell in love with a guy that has been brought up differently than me, period.
He's just afraid he'd be stuck with my student loan.  I can get that considering what he makes. Also considering his condo is one thing that he really needs, I'd never take it away from him... why would I?  Let him feel secure that it will never be taken away.  If that makes him feel safe, fine man.

As for me, I don't regret a thing.  I've traveled all over the country, lived in cities I wanted.  I'm with an agency, sang in front of THOUSANDS of people, still do music and modeling.  Life is good.

I know that if I want a particular lifestyle with the guy I'm with, I'll probably have to be the one to help or make it happen.  I was going to do it on my own anyway so what's the difference who does what?

As far as dealing with the Zanax shit, well, I'm not a nurse but I know how to deal with this shit.  I feel good as a human being helping the man get off of it.  It's really him that's doing all the work; I just am dealing with his crazy.

Bottom line he's a talented, good man and worth all this ridiculousness.
Maybe I'm the crazy one believing, but my instincts are damn good whether the 'movie' has a nice Hollywood happy ending or not.  If we are truly meant to be together, time will be the answer. Everything comes to fruition with time.

and that's that.

Isis22 wrote:
Jules,
         I think you are settling. I think you are trying to make up for his long, shitty former relationship. Go back and read every negative thing. Oh, and once you get married that mama of his will essentially act like she is YOUR mama and that will be worse. Marriage changes people and usually for the worse. My ex was a great man and then we got married. He didn't have to try as hard because he had me. Then I got pregnant. He only cared about the babies. Trust me, you don't know people until you get married or live with them. I've lived with 4 men and I learned that the hard way. What really raises a red flag for me is this man is almost shaming you. You have done well for yourself and they should see that!

First thank you for saying I've done well, that means a lot to me:)

As for everything else, I will seriously consider what you said.  His ex is living in a dump, doesn't date, has no social life and is comfortable being depressed, cutting coupons like his Mom taught her to.

I need WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more out of life and will have what I want.

His step-father is a really nice guy and I have no idea what attracted him to his Mom.  Sometimes I think he feels bad for me what shit she's pulling but who really knows.

The last thing I want is a horrible, controlling mother-in-law.  With that scenario, you're in a relationship with the man AND his mother.  I'm not having any of that, ha.  I thought at times during my life (because it's not the first time it's happened) that it would be nice to consider having a serious relationship when parents have already died. That in itself is pretty grim and I shouldn't have to wait for that situation to have a healthy relationship NOW.

There is no value for me to 'win' here.  If my boyfriend and his mother are comfortable in their co-dependent relationship forever, I won't want him anyway.   I know that I will be able to move on with another man, get married, etc.  I'm not afraid of getting hurt for the sake of love.

I certainly don't want to settle.  Things are clouded because of this medication issue. I have a personal deadline which is a step in the right direction for me.

What I wish for is having parents thrilled to meet me, they being sophisticated people, having nice conversation and they genuinely asking me about what I'm about, what I'm excited about and thinking I'm great.  People that consider a person like a series of checks and balances have no idea what it's like to live.

Oh and P.S., from the socioeconomic standpoint, it happens too.  Ever see this movie?
I've been in this situation before, just not as elaborate.  Only difference is, I never married the guy.
Phew!



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72le_jwmXfU

...and what is my eternal is that she can investigate me however she wants and will find shit.
I had to be fingerprinted, credit-checked, criminal checked for a lot of jobs I've had.
I even have character witnesses!  ha ha

No dirt on me.
Try to find it, you won't lady.


I'm nothing like this character, but I love this scene and how she says it like it is to Marie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3V9fJYyBuw

Lovely Day Media wrote:
Personally, I think that when it comes to relationships, everyone has fears, insecurities and other forms of baggage they carry around. Maybe he does have fear of losing his condo and/or taking on debts like student loans. i know you haven't said it, but maybe you fear his being irresponsible in other areas in an effort to keep his condo or there won't be enough money after to pay your student loans.  Maybe I'm completely wrong and the problem is something else completely.

The thing to do ... or at least what I'd do ... is attempt to sit down and talk about these things. Don't discount their fears or worries as you wouldn't want yours discounted. If they try, one can tell them that they are or one feels like they are. If they insist, it would seem this relationship as a marriage is doomed to failure. Money isn't everything, but it is something. If it's nothing, there isn't a thing to fight about.

Have that long talk no matter how long it takes. Say what's on your mind without insulting, name calling or degrading. Allow them to voice their opinion(s), too. Work things out now as it's easier to end a relationship than it is to end a marriage.

Not that my experience is typical, but I met a young lady once that I really thought I wanted to marry after just 6 weeks. I had no intention of marrying her before 6 months had passed, but I really liked her. I thought she was the absolute bomb. We went places, did things (no sex), talked about things, finished each other's sentences and were even told we looked like a couple after just 10 days.  This was going somewhere. 

2 weeks after I decided I wanted to marry her (had not yet bought a ring or asked her), she made an about face. Just that fast, she went from "I love this guy" to "I hate this guy and never want to see him again" and all because she wanted to go somewhere and I told her I didn't have any gas in my truck and didn't have any money to buy any. She didn't understand that I had/have to work for whatever money I get where she got a check from the government every month as she was disabled (epilepsy). I was prepared to have to deal with her epilepsy for the rest of my life (it wasn't a dealbreaker but I knew there were going to be things to learn). She also didn't understand that gas isn't free (she was used to living in the city where train and bus tokens were really cheap to buy).

6 weeks into the relationship and it was over as soon and as quick as it started. I consider it dodging a major bullet. If I had found out how she really was 6 weeks into a marriage, I'd have been ready for divorce. This way, it wasn't easy or fun but it was certainly better than having to hire lawyers, see a judge, this, that and the other.

The main thing with this woman was that she thought I was storing my anger and would one day explode because I never told her how I felt about things. The first time I told her about something, she said I "complain too much". Which is it? Do you want to hear about what I'm feeling or not? I'm still waiting for that answer (she didn't say a word about it). 

Marriage is never easy but if you are compatible, it can work. One just needs to find out if they are compatible first and that means do a lot of talking about things. One can only hope the other person is being as honest as they are. That doesn't seem to happen much.

I agree.  As for as that 'talk', that can't happen until he is clear-headed.  Zanax withdrawal does not make a person ready to speak rationally:)

My concerns are based around the fact that his mother is in charge of his finances.  It's good now because of his condition mentally but he has to eventually be able to be in charge of his own money.  I wouldn't want to marry a guy that didn't have his property in his name and his parents technically acting as 'landlords'. That doesn't fly with me. Easier to rent my own place and save up to buy a place of my own.

I'm not afraid of losing anything because I don't have any big assets to lose.  Be it a tiny condo or an ocean-front pad, maybe when my name is on a deed, I'll think about this much differently.

I still believe in sharing. Ideally, if two people marry it's nice to both own/rent whatever together. What becomes a problem is if someone wants 'out' if they don't have enough money to 'get out'.  When people have the same values about marriage, that's not of concern.

I can be empathetic to someone on disability.  They lose it if they work and the money they earn never really equates to the kind of money they can make in a non-disability circumstance.  People are on it because they CAN'T work.  In short, if one can't work again and depends on x to live on every month, losing the biggest chunk of your life (where you can live) would be devastating, right? 

For me, it's just getting a job, saving for another place - world of difference.  That is why I am trying my best to be empathetic here.