Brooklyn Bridge Images wrote:
Why the need to get over it ?
I dont buy into the religious stuff of universal forgiveness

Me neither, it makes me feel better to be honest. Grudges can easily ruin my day so I avoid them if possible.

Jay2G Photography wrote:
Can you ever get over the feeling of honest and true hatred in your heart? I've held my wife wife in my arms while she has cried herself to sleep too many times. Her family has completely turned on her and myself over the lies that spilled out of her evil old hag of a mother.  The family hates us over nothing but lies and until all this I never truly felt hate.
     I've never felt this way and have no idea if I will stop feeling this. I know I'll never accept them into our lives again.  I don't think my wife will either. This is like the made up shit on Springer. Have you ever been able to get over feeling complete hate toward someone or a group of people?

You cannot control how others feel about you.  But you can absolutely control how you feel about others.

Simply choose.  Choose apathy.  Choose to put your energy into yourselves and each other, rather than those that choose to treat you so poorly.

Hunter  GWPB wrote:
Sometimes, when the culprit in these situations, gets ill or dies, things change.  People not under their influence any more will start to see her as the liar she was.  But there are others that she has damaged or molded into her way.

TRUTH

Jules NYC wrote:
Love is one of the most intense emotions felt by man; another is hate. Forcing yourself to feel indiscriminate love is very unnatural. If you try to love everyone you only lessen your feelings for those who deserve your love. Repressed hatred can lead to many physical and emotional ailments. By learning to release your hatred towards those who deserve it, you cleanse yourself of these malignant emotions and need not take your pent-up hatred out on your loved ones.

Just saying.

There is always simply removing yourself and your wife from any communique/contact from the mother.
No interaction, no problem.

+

Jay2G Photography wrote:
Can you ever get over the feeling of honest and true hatred in your heart? I've held my wife wife in my arms while she has cried herself to sleep too many times. Her family has completely turned on her and myself over the lies that spilled out of her evil old hag of a mother.  The family hates us over nothing but lies and until all this I never truly felt hate.
     I've never felt this way and have no idea if I will stop feeling this. I know I'll never accept them into our lives again.  I don't think my wife will either. This is like the made up shit on Springer. Have you ever been able to get over feeling complete hate toward someone or a group of people?

I am sorry for your situation.  I grew up with a family rift between my two parents--always felt that I was playing the role of Kissinger.   It's weird how hate can develop. As an adult, I try to avoid hating anyone because I think it diminishes your own life.  However, when people do evil things to you, it's a natural human response to hate them for it--at least for a time.  It's often best to walk away, but when it's family, that's often impossible to do without affecting other relationships. So, then you are just left with learning how to build up a tolerance to all the drama.

BlueMoonPics wrote:
No need to deal with hatred.  It's a complete time waster and will wreck you.
Get rid of the problem.  Your life will be much better for it.

Executive decisions. Leadership. Be a pillar of mature thoughtful emotional strength for those around you. Manage your own life. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into her childish manipulation games.

Fire the bitch. Remove her from your life and carry on. Don't let her problems become your problems. Anything short of that enables her selfish egotism and her evil drama-mongering. Don't respond to her temper tantrums. Until she comes to her senses and learns to behave she has earned the rank of persona non grata in your life. 

Rebuild a positive mental attitude and positive quality relationships for yourself and the people around you who you love.

There are givers and takers. Embrace and cherish the givers. Avoid the takers and purge them from your life without further ado. Let them stew in their own juice without you - a fitting and just reward for people who get like that.

Brooklyn Bridge Images wrote:
Why the need to get over it ?
I dont buy into the religious stuff of universal forgiveness

Living with long term disgust or hatred is not considered to be healthiest

Jules NYC wrote:
Do you realize that sociopathic people study emotion to manipulate it

I'm of the opinion that forgiveness has little to do with the perp and everything to do with the victim. The victim doesn't forgive for the perp's benefit but for their own. One can study emotion and behavior until they are blue in the face or even beyond ... but they may never come up with a reason why a person would do something (even if they're wrong in their guessing) and they may never know anything at all, even if they ask the perp.

The perp will likely be angry enough about whatever it is that caused it that they won't say anything to them, or will say "I don't know" because they they have no logical reason or something else I haven't thought of as yet.

I'm also of the opinion that the only emotion the OP is attempting to manipulate is their own. If they can fix or manipulate theirs into a better state, maybe they can help their spouse, too. It seems they've already decided that the perp is a lost cause and want nothing else to do with them. They're just trying to fix themselves before they have a serious problem (or their spouse does).

I personally have zero problem with the question because I've been in this position before and had to work things out before someone died (could've been me). The situation was different but the emotion was similar (I can't say the same because I have no idea what anyone else is feeling at any given time though with a good description, I can imagine).

Click Hamilton wrote:
There are givers and takers. Embrace and cherish the givers. Avoid the takers and purge them from your life without further ado. Let them stew in their own juice without you - a fitting and just reward for people who get like that.

Respectfully, I have to disagree with this. If one embraces the givers and avoids the takers, one becomes a taker themselves, IMO.

I say embrace and cherish those who give and take. This, for me, is part of a relationship of any type. A model gives a pose, a photographer takes a picture. A store has an item you want. You give them money and take the item. A spouse wants someone who will cook for them. You want someone to do the laundry. So ... you do the cooking and they do the laundry. It works out great.

On the other hand, if the spouse does the laundry and the cooking, that would be great for you but it gets really old, really fast for said spouse and it may lead to the same type of hatred/anger and ultimately the end of the relationship. It's the same thing (on some level) if a store has an item you want but they won't let you have it unless you give them what you think is far too much money. Have you ever dealt with a model who didn't want to pose?

Lovely Day Media wrote:
I'm of the opinion that forgiveness has little to do with the perp and everything to do with the victim. The victim doesn't forgive for the perp's benefit but for their own. One can study emotion and behavior until they are blue in the face or even beyond ... but they may never come up with a reason why a person would do something (even if they're wrong in their guessing) and they may never know anything at all, even if they ask the perp.

The perp will likely be angry enough about whatever it is that caused it that they won't say anything to them, or will say "I don't know" because they they have no logical reason or something else I haven't thought of as yet.

I'm also of the opinion that the only emotion the OP is attempting to manipulate is their own. If they can fix or manipulate theirs into a better state, maybe they can help their spouse, too. It seems they've already decided that the perp is a lost cause and want nothing else to do with them. They're just trying to fix themselves before they have a serious problem (or their spouse does).

I personally have zero problem with the question because I've been in this position before and had to work things out before someone died (could've been me). The situation was different but the emotion was similar (I can't say the same because I have no idea what anyone else is feeling at any given time though with a good description, I can imagine).

One can decide to call themselves the 'victim'.  I don't believe one has to forgive to release negative energy. Usually the perpetrators ask for forgiveness to absolve their own guilt.

I really don't care about the feelings of someone who is sick.
Just as an aside, I don't think it is very nice to think the OP is manipulating anything. 
He is hurting and so is his wife.  Lay off.

Stephen Fletcher wrote:
I have always felt the only way to really forgive somebody and the only time they deserve it is if they do something to atone for the harm and hurt they have inflicted.  Sorry doesn't cut it.

THIS.

Jules NYC wrote:
One can decide to call themselves the 'victim'.  I don't believe one has to forgive to release negative energy. Usually the perpetrators ask for forgiveness to absolve their own guilt.

I really don't care about the feelings of someone who is sick.

I only said it that way (perp vs victim) because the situation may not be just like this one but someone may well have some wrongdoing against them. For instance, if one is walking down a corridor at work and for some unknown reason someone opts to punch them in the head ...

Yes, one can report this to police or at least HR (if there is an HR) but one still has their own emotions to deal with until it gets buried or resolved.

In this case, the OP's family  (in laws, but family nonetheless) has turned against them and their spouse over some 3rd party lies. They are the "victim" of a "crime" (someone told some lie about them that some stupid, gullible or otherwise weak person believed and turned against them). If one has never had this happen, (not pointing fingers at anyone) it's no big deal. For those who have it happen (especially when it's family), at some point it hurts because these are the people who is supposed to have one's back. Of course, people are going to fight, bicker, argue and otherwise disagree from time to time but one never expects to lose them, especially if they haven't done anything or if it's because someone made something up.

To me, it sounds like grade school playground behavior (he said this about you so we're not going to be friends anymore) on the perp's part. I'm one who believes what a person says but it doesn't end my relationships with other people without confirmation. It could all be a misunderstanding. Someone could've lied. There are all sorts of possibilities.

Lovely Day Media wrote:

I only said it that way (perp vs victim) because the situation may not be just like this one but someone may well have some wrongdoing against them. For instance, if one is walking down a corridor at work and for some unknown reason someone opts to punch them in the head ...

Yes, one can report this to police or at least HR (if there is an HR) but one still has their own emotions to deal with until it gets buried or resolved.

In this case, the OP's family  (in laws, but family nonetheless) has turned against them and their spouse over some 3rd party lies. They are the "victim" of a "crime" (someone told some lie about them that some stupid, gullible or otherwise weak person believed and turned against them). If one has never had this happen, (not pointing fingers at anyone) it's no big deal. For those who have it happen (especially when it's family), at some point it hurts because these are the people who is supposed to have one's back. Of course, people are going to fight, bicker, argue and otherwise disagree from time to time but one never expects to lose them, especially if they haven't done anything or if it's because someone made something up.

To me, it sounds like grade school playground behavior (he said this about you so we're not going to be friends anymore) on the perp's part. I'm one who believes what a person says but it doesn't end my relationships with other people without confirmation. It could all be a misunderstanding. Someone could've lied. There are all sorts of possibilities.

Bottom line, it's about trust.

Hard to understand dishonesty at heart when a 'friend', family member, etc., has longevity in the relationship.
Period.

RINALDI wrote:
Nope. Instead, I acknowledge that hate and grudge are part of my life now, and I embrace them, which enables me to move forward with my life.

I think it also depends on your 'starting point'. Many people, for example, have the attitude of: if you are new to me, you have to put some effort to earn my respect. My starting point is the opposite: if you are new to me, you have my respect, but you have to put some effort to keep it that way.

Depending on the starting point, it might affect how you think about hate, grudge, but also sins like envy or gluttony. In my case, because I give strangers the benefit of the doubt, respect at first, I will forever hate them when they stab me in the back.

For me with new people, I have a fresh starting point.  "A new broom always sweeps clean."  I don't hold any past grievances of my own experience against said new person.

It takes time to earn trust. I don't just hand out trust immediately.  To me, that is foolish.  It could take years to reveal personal information to a trusted friend.  If they are not trusted, they could just share that information like ordering a Big Mac and fries at the drive-through.  Absolutely unacceptable.

Sometimes good people do stupid things completely worth forgiving.  There is a difference between not having enough emotional intelligence to be mature and having evil intent to cause harm.  I have no compassion and empathy for evil intent.

Julietsdream wrote:
*Have you ever heard this saying.....
........"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"......

Why focus your energy on those you hate....
when you have soo many others to focus on
...that you Love..!!

I find immunity from the poison.

Lovely Day Media wrote:
Respectfully, I have to disagree with this. If one embraces the givers and avoids the takers, one becomes a taker themselves, IMO.

I say embrace and cherish those who give and take. This, for me, is part of a relationship of any type. A model gives a pose, a photographer takes a picture. A store has an item you want. You give them money and take the item. A spouse wants someone who will cook for them. You want someone to do the laundry. So ... you do the cooking and they do the laundry. It works out great.

On the other hand, if the spouse does the laundry and the cooking, that would be great for you but it gets really old, really fast for said spouse and it may lead to the same type of hatred/anger and ultimately the end of the relationship. It's the same thing (on some level) if a store has an item you want but they won't let you have it unless you give them what you think is far too much money. Have you ever dealt with a model who didn't want to pose?

A different kind of "give and take."

Point taken. Thanks for giving.

Jules NYC wrote:

For me with new people, I have a fresh starting point.  "A new broom always sweeps clean."  I don't hold any past grievances of my own experience against said new person.

It takes time to earn trust. I don't just hand out trust immediately.  To me, that is foolish.  It could take years to reveal personal information to a trusted friend.  If they are not trusted, they could just share that information like ordering a Big Mac and fries at the drive-through.  Absolutely unacceptable.

Sometimes good people do stupid things completely worth forgiving.  There is a difference between not having enough emotional intelligence to be mature and having evil intent to cause harm.  I have no compassion and empathy for evil intent.

That's why I said respect, not trust New people will have my respect, respect for them as human beings, with their own lives, experiences, social and emotional baggage, etc. Of course, I don't share personal info or stuff like that instantly, they have to earn the trust.

In my view, respect and trust are correlated, but can be separate. I can respect an opponent, but not trust him. If I have been nice to you, and you stab me in the back, you lose my respect and trust. If you try all your best to make it right, I can respect that, but you need to work extra to earn the trust again.

I am very pragmatic

RINALDI wrote:

That's why I said respect, not trust New people will have my respect, respect for them as human beings, with their own lives, experiences, social and emotional baggage, etc. Of course, I don't share personal info or stuff like that instantly, they have to earn the trust.

In my view, respect and trust are correlated, but can be separate. I can respect an opponent, but not trust him. If I have been nice to you, and you stab me in the back, you lose my respect and trust. If you try all your best to make it right, I can respect that, but you need to work extra to earn the trust again.

I am very pragmatic

*tips hat