Bunnierabbits wrote:
does anyone else cut themselevs?

I've been cutting for about 2 years now.

Hannah Phillips wrote:

I've been cutting for about 2 years now.

I used to do cutting, but not anymore...I fought hard to stop doing that, but I know it temporarily took my mind off the emotional pain...but I can't go back to that to fix the problem as it didn't fix the problem in the first place....it's morecommon than people realize.

Taboo Nudes wrote:
Thanks, but I can honestly say I feel like I'm fighting a war all alone. My one day at a time starts every morning with crying,, pain and deep depression. I usually just get up and go lay on the couch and cry myself back to sleep.  I''m seeing a psychiatrist this week as my other doctors believe I am bi-polar and hopefully he can get me on the right medicine.

You are never alone because you have yourself. That might sound unfair and odd, but you can be your best cheerleader or your worst enemy.

Stolen from my facebook page.

We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves -Young Guns

Gabrielleism- This is so true. What we allow in our lives is up to us as individuals. We have the right to set boundaries for ourselves when we feel strong enough to do so. It is getting to that point in where we decide we will be our own caretakers. No one can love us as much as we can love ourselves. Taking the first blind leap into caring for yourself is the hardest one. From there on it is a whole new world. It's a one, but it opens up all new possibilities.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
You are never alone because you have yourself. That might sound unfair and odd, but you can be your best cheerleader or your worst enemy.

Stolen from my facebook page.

We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves -Young Guns

Gabrielleism- This is so true. What we allow in our lives is up to us as individuals. We have the right to set boundaries for ourselves when we feel strong enough to do so. It is getting to that point in where we decide we will be our own caretakers. No one can love us as much as we can love ourselves. Taking the first blind leap into caring for yourself is the hardest one. From there on it is a whole new world. It's a one, but it opens up all new possibilities.

True and thank you.  The psychiatrist has put me on bi-Polar medicine and is slowly weaning me off the the other medicine for depression that simply doesn't work.  I want to feel like myself again...to get back to taking my photos and making my books..right now I just don't have the energy.  After shattering my leg and having two surgeries to put it back together taking photos has become extremely painful..I do all the makeup, develop the film myself and I used to have the energy to do several shoots a month.

Star Child wrote:


Don't give up

I'm trying and fighting like crazy not to give up on life..thank you.

Stevie_Ann wrote:
i am 22. i have been battling with major depression since i was 15. i was bullied out of my private catholic school. i was shoved into lockers and harassed, (emotionally and physically). i tried ending it all a few times. after getting help for a few years, i feel a lot better. but i truthfully still struggle. life is hard, but we are NEVER alone. now i go around and help kids who have been bullied and those who suffer with depression and who feel alone. thank you for posting this thread. i see so many beautiful women and handsome men and think, wow they have amazing and perfect lives. but we have all gone through struggles and no one is perfect. thank you, again.

I have thought of volunteering to help the soldiers that have been so wounded, but I don't know where to start. I grew up in a military family and two of my sons were in the Army..the youngest one just got out..he fought in battles in Afghanistan and simply did not want to re-enlist. My husband is a colonel in the Air force and so he is never home and that is a fight in itself to be alone so much.

Tim Little Photography wrote:
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. My computer died. Thank God a friend has loaned me one and I finally got it working.

I've also been in a terrible place emotionally. I went nine days without eating or sleeping and had to go into the hospital for a couple of days to get my system back in wack. It turns out I was being over medicated and some of the medicine was reacting to other medicine. I could have died.

I'm doing good now. If I can be of help to anyone please let me know.

I love you all. Now more than ever!

Love
Tim

That is a really beautiful aspect of your personality that you want to help someone after you went through a personal emotional/physical war.

You keep being you.
Think good thoughts Tim.

Life is worth living.

Danielle Reid wrote:
I usually don't talk about things like this because talking never seems to help. I always get the same response from everyone "just keep your head up". At what point would that pay off? I thought modeling would help make things better but I even fail at that. I'm not booking jobs because my agency says clients don't want to hire me because they know what I do to make money that others look down on. I'm fat, ugly, and my face looks like I have an attitude if I don't have a cheesy grin.

Doesn't help that I had an abortion in December and now every time I hear or see a baby I cry. Can't tell my boyfriend because he's fighting his own demons so why should I make him suffer as well?

I'm stressed out completely. I'm not getting the work promised to me which means I'm not making money. And my agency has me working as a cam girl 6 hours a day for pennies. I hate it. I hate all of it.

I do good most days but sometimes when I'm alone like today all I can think about is what a failure I am. I'm nothing but a whore posing as a wanna-be model. I'm better off lying in a grave than trying to prove I'm something that I'm not.

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain Danielle. It sounds to me like your agency is holding you back. Do you have to keep them? Few of the models here make very much money. Only a handful are able to work full-time. Location has a lot to do with it as well as demand. It is a hard career field.

The great news is that you are young and have options. Instead of beating yourself up maybe you can start looking for positive things that can get you moving forward. Good luck to you dear.

Jules NYC wrote:

That is a really beautiful aspect of your personality that you want to help someone after you went through a personal emotional/physical war.

You keep being you.
Think good thoughts Tim.

Life is worth living.

My beautiful Jules!!!!! I've missed you!

Danielle Reid wrote:
I usually don't talk about things like this because talking never seems to help. I always get the same response from everyone "just keep your head up". At what point would that pay off? I thought modeling would help make things better but I even fail at that. I'm not booking jobs because my agency says clients don't want to hire me because they know what I do to make money that others look down on. I'm fat, ugly, and my face looks like I have an attitude if I don't have a cheesy grin.

Doesn't help that I had an abortion in December and now every time I hear or see a baby I cry. Can't tell my boyfriend because he's fighting his own demons so why should I make him suffer as well?

I'm stressed out completely. I'm not getting the work promised to me which means I'm not making money. And my agency has me working as a cam girl 6 hours a day for pennies. I hate it. I hate all of it.

I do good most days but sometimes when I'm alone like today all I can think about is what a failure I am. I'm nothing but a whore posing as a wanna-be model. I'm better off lying in a grave than trying to prove I'm something that I'm not.

I agree with the above comment that the agency may be holding you back.  Never let a company tell you what you can't do. I know all about being at the bottom in life, but you can make a comeback at any point.  When I first got out of the Army, I lived on the streets for a year and thought I'd never get places in life, but things are very fortunate for me now.  I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that's a good thing if you can find ways to learn new things from negative and positive experiences.  You may want to consider some counseling too.  I really think everyone needs a counselor to put perspective on things.  I hope you don't feel this way for too long.

Tim Little Photography wrote:

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain Danielle. It sounds to me like your agency is holding you back. Do you have to keep them? Few of the models here make very much money. Only a handful are able to work full-time. Location has a lot to do with it as well as demand. It is a hard career field.

The great news is that you are young and have options. Instead of beating yourself up maybe you can start looking for positive things that can get you moving forward. Good luck to you dear.

I'm stuck with this agency because I signed a contract. The only way I can get out early is by them suing me for breaching. They already threatened to sue me and send me to jail for speaking out against them before. And now they're saying none of their clients want me. Maybe I can't make a living off of this but they could at least hold up their end of the promises they made when I signed the contract. Only way I can make some kind of money through them now is by preforming online for men. I'm stuck until November, that's a long time not being able to make money through photo shoots or promotional gigs because of that contract.

Will Snizek wrote:

I agree with the above comment that the agency may be holding you back.  Never let a company tell you what you can't do. I know all about being at the bottom in life, but you can make a comeback at any point.  When I first got out of the Army, I lived on the streets for a year and thought I'd never get places in life, but things are very fortunate for me now.  I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that's a good thing if you can find ways to learn new things from negative and positive experiences.  You may want to consider some counseling too.  I really think everyone needs a counselor to put perspective on things.  I hope you don't feel this way for too long.

I wanted to get counseling but I can't afford it. I don't even have health insurance. I begged my mother to take me to the ER one night but my boyfriend talked me out of it. He said I'm not crazy and I don't need to be in a crazy house. I told him he needs to find a way to get me help then since I'm apparently doing it wrong.

My aunt was suppose to get me an appointment with her shrink but I haven't heard from her in a month. Things are getting worse by the day for me and I fear what I might do if I get left alone again.

Danielle Reid wrote:

I'm stuck with this agency because I signed a contract. The only way I can get out early is by them suing me for breaching. They already threatened to sue me and send me to jail for speaking out against them before. And now they're saying none of their clients want me. Maybe I can't make a living off of this but they could at least hold up their end of the promises they made when I signed the contract. Only way I can make some kind of money through them now is by preforming online for men. I'm stuck until November, that's a long time not being able to make money through photo shoots or promotional gigs because of that contract.

A good lawyer can get you out of just bout any contract and you might even be able to sue them for not holding up their end of the bargain.  That could cost you a little bit of money though and it would probably be past November when it's settled.

Danielle Reid wrote:

I wanted to get counseling but I can't afford it. I don't even have health insurance. I begged my mother to take me to the ER one night but my boyfriend talked me out of it. He said I'm not crazy and I don't need to be in a crazy house. I told him he needs to find a way to get me help then since I'm apparently doing it wrong.

My aunt was suppose to get me an appointment with her shrink but I haven't heard from her in a month. Things are getting worse by the day for me and I fear what I might do if I get left alone again.

Some areas have community funded counselors, but I have no idea what's available in your city.  Do they have any free medical clinics there?  Sometimes they have counselors.

Will Snizek wrote:

A good lawyer can get you out of just bout any contract and you might even be able to sue them for not holding up their end of the bargain.  That could cost you a little bit of money though and it would probably be past November when it's settled.

I was thinking about getting a lawyer, I even asked my agency to let me go because I don't think I'm cut out to be a model. They said they'd help me with posing and whatever, then turned around and asked when I'm getting back online to work because I'm over a month behind on cam hours. Until I can figure out how to get out of this contract I'm stuck with these guys, and they can say whatever they want about me to clients and turn around and say I'm in breach at any time.

As for free counselling centers, I've looked for some. I've spent months trying to find somewhere affordable but doesn't seem to be any close that can actually help me. Seems the only way I can get something "free" is by checking into a mental hospital and staying there for a week.

Danielle Reid wrote:

I was thinking about getting a lawyer, I even asked my agency to let me go because I don't think I'm cut out to be a model. They said they'd help me with posing and whatever, then turned around and asked when I'm getting back online to work because I'm over a month behind on cam hours. Until I can figure out how to get out of this contract I'm stuck with these guys, and they can say whatever they want about me to clients and turn around and say I'm in breach at any time.

As for free counselling centers, I've looked for some. I've spent months trying to find somewhere affordable but doesn't seem to be any close that can actually help me. Seems the only way I can get something "free" is by checking into a mental hospital and staying there for a week.

When things were at there worse for me I went to the emergency room and told them I needed emotional help. All the big hospitals have an area for people who are feeling down and may be thinking of suicide. They don't keep you overnight but they find you the resources you need. They saved my life by finding me the right doctor. Besides that, they were very very kind and nice. I talked with someone for about an hour and I felt so much better. I left with options. I hope you can find a way to make that happen for you.

If your agency is talking jail then they are out of line. You really need to contact legal aid. It is free legal advice for people and Little Rock is big enough to have one.

Star Child wrote:
It's understandable why the alarm and even why the focus, but it still upsets me the way the media has portrayed suicide and how it's linked to bullying. People are under the impression that if you do certain things to a person that person will go off and commit suicide. Without question these extremely traumatizing experiences play a major role in the person's psyche, but when it's reported that because this happened or because somebody did this to someone that someone is going to kill his/herself it detracts from the complete reasons that people do commit suicide which in turn prevents those of us in fragile situations from getting proper help or support.

This is a great post. The entire thing. I could go on, but you said what needed to be said.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:

This is a great post. The entire thing. I could go on, but you said what needed to be said.

Say it anyway. It needs to be screamed to the world. Your chorus would only make the song better

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Ok,me being highly unusul
Nothing puts me in a great mood when I'm off for the day and there is a severe weather
Outbreak in my area..especially storms that will spit a ton of hopefully photogenic lightning
At night....
Love the feeling of a nearby storm taking a huge inhale of air to fuel it(backside of storm,possible
Also where tornadoes happen)or making a nice strong exhale of cold air as it approaches..


Of course when this happens while I'm trying to sleep,especially when there is large hail
Hitting my truck,it ceases to be fun

So no pictures?

Star Child wrote:

So no pictures?

The severe weather flaked

Chris Rifkin wrote:

The severe weather flaked

Same as always. Damn flakes

Star Child wrote:
Sometimes people like to respond to a person on the verge of suicide by telling them "you are loved" but it's more or less lip service because that's all they do. They don't get involved.  They don't show this love that's supposed to be so evident.  They still leave that suicidal person alone.  And they wouldn't have even said anything if they hadn't caught word that their friend or relative was on the verge or (or had just attempted) suicide.  They might think that their words are helping, but the reality of it is that just reinforces the negative feelings that person has towards feeling wanted, needed, cared about, loved in this world.

Star Child wrote:
It's understandable why the alarm and even why the focus, but it still upsets me the way the media has portrayed suicide and how it's linked to bullying. People are under the impression that if you do certain things to a person that person will go off and commit suicide. Without question these extremely traumatizing experiences play a major role in the person's psyche, but when it's reported that because this happened or because somebody did this to someone that someone is going to kill his/herself it detracts from the complete reasons that people do commit suicide which in turn prevents those of us in fragile situations from getting proper help or support.

I first wanted to thank you very much for welcoming my thoughts and words, Kevin. In the first paragraph I posted of yours, you bring attention to something very important. A lot of the time when people are hurting we dont always know HOW to be there for someone, so we say something generic hoping to coddle someone because we dont truly know how to help them. We may genuinly WANT to help and dont want to see someone suffer, but we may feel unsure about how we CAN help or what to say. WE may not have the experience or may not know the person well enough to even begin to try and attempt to start a conversation or may even feel scared to say the wrong thing.

So, what we do is say something generic, like what you mentioned such as "you are loved" or something like "its ok" or "I understand" and to the person receiving that message, it may not come off as  genuine because there is no follow up to that initial message, there is no deeper thought and conversation to go along with the message, and it can sometimes seem a bit off putting when  all that comes through is a simple short worded message. It is always nice to hear from someone when you are down, but for the most part, what someone NEEDS is a deeper message and to form some type of connection, and almost find themselves some type of root to form in the ground.

When people are feeling so down in the dumps, they dont have much to hold onto, hence the "root" reference. If people are able to connect to certain ideas, it makes life easier to bare. Life is never a smooth line, it will always be up and down as I and all of you have come to learn I am sure. The only thing WE have control over is our reaction to those bumps. I kind of always prepared myself for the worst so that if it did happen, I was more prepared, and if something great happened, I would be super amazed. I try to live my life differently now and not always expect the worst. I want to live happier in general now. I have had so many painful experiences in my life, I dont want my life to be the way it was. I had to grow up way too fast. Living each day as a new one has helped. I cant think about a month or even a week from now today, I have to try and live each day for today. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I have to be proud of who I am as much as I can. I struggle to live each day but I fight for it knowing that nothing I can do will change who I am or what I am but working on myself.  We  are our own worst and best friends. No one out there can support us as good as we can. Nothing anyone else says truly matters but what we say to ourselves.

As Starchild mentioned about bullying, yes it happens, but the children or adults who are/were being bullied, had issues before the bullying began. It didnt start just then. The insecurities were there and were amplified. The parents sadly either were not able to see their childs pain , not able to afford, or didnt care enough to get them the support they needed. Whomever is caring for these people, and or whomever is around these people need to be more aware, notice changes in behavior or withdrawal and not fear speaking out about their concern for their friend. Schools should have assemblies and or anonymous hotlines for people concerned about their friends. Today in this society, not enough people care about one another. This saddens me.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
As Starchild mentioned about bullying, yes it happens, but the children or adults who are/were being bullied, had issues before the bullying began. It didn't start just then. The insecurities were there and were amplified. The parents sadly either were not able to see their childs pain , not able to afford, or didnt care enough to get them the support they needed. Whomever is caring for these people, and or whomever is around these people need to be more aware, notice changes in behavior or withdrawal and not fear speaking out about their concern for their friend. Schools should have assemblies and or anonymous hotlines for people concerned about their friends. Today in this society, not enough people care about one another. This saddens me.

That's the deal. It's not a magical trigger in people. Bullying is not a gateway drug to suicide.

To be fair, sometimes that which is within us can be dormant or hidden to the point that no one is aware, so that single traumatizing event or series of events can become the trigger - hence we think it is the cause.  The thing about it is society needs better information, education about mental wellness issues so that we can better handle these matters.

Proper information and education are so important because as a whole society (everywhere) is generally ignorant about many issues, but instead of being enlightened and changing our minds (hence attitudes and actions) we go by tales, rumors, catch phrases and snake oil remedies and then walk away shaking our heads mumbling about people are just crazy.  Well, "just crazy" is the smallest percentage of the formula.

Star Child wrote:
Sometimes people like to respond to a person on the verge of suicide by telling them "you are loved" but it's more or less lip service because that's all they do. They don't get involved.  They don't show this love that's supposed to be so evident.  They still leave that suicidal person alone.  And they wouldn't have even said anything if they hadn't caught word that their friend or relative was on the verge or (or had just attempted) suicide.  They might think that their words are helping, but the reality of it is that just reinforces the negative feelings that person has towards feeling wanted, needed, cared about, loved in this world.

This is so extremely true.

Anyway, I hope everyone here is doing alright. I finally got in to see a therapist/psychyatrist/cologist whatever. I'm just happy I finally got there. Thursday. Today I'm having an awful start to my "prom" weekend at keylime cove though. I just wanna go home, break up with my boyfriend(but I don't know if I'm wrong or right or crazy.. just upset..) I've been sitting alone in a hotel room for 1/2 an hour with no one to talk to about anything. That's a major downer in life. Having no one. And yet I push everyone away. Like how I know I'm doing all this, but I can't change my feelings or immediate actions/words based on them. I hate it. I hate this. I just wanna go home.

Presley ONeil wrote:

This is so extremely true.

Anyway, I hope everyone here is doing alright. I finally got in to see a therapist/psychyatrist/cologist whatever. I'm just happy I finally got there. Thursday. Today I'm having an awful start to my "prom" weekend at keylime cove though. I just wanna go home, break up with my boyfriend(but I don't know if I'm wrong or right or crazy.. just upset..) I've been sitting alone in a hotel room for 1/2 an hour with no one to talk to about anything. That's a major downer in life. Having no one. And yet I push everyone away. Like how I know I'm doing all this, but I can't change my feelings or immediate actions/words based on them. I hate it. I hate this. I just wanna go home.

We push people away for multiple reasons. Some of them good.  Some of them bad.  We don't always mean to do it.  It's a part of the struggle.

We need, but we don't want them to hurt us.
We need, but we don't want to burden.
We need, but we don't know how to ask for help.
We need, but we're afraid it'll scare them away.
So we sit in an empty room alone
and we hurt.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
As Starchild mentioned about bullying, yes it happens, but the children or adults who are/were being bullied, had issues before the bullying began. It didnt start just then. The insecurities were there and were amplified. The parents sadly either were not able to see their childs pain , not able to afford, or didnt care enough to get them the support they needed. Whomever is caring for these people, and or whomever is around these people need to be more aware, notice changes in behavior or withdrawal and not fear speaking out about their concern for their friend. Schools should have assemblies and or anonymous hotlines for people concerned about their friends. Today in this society, not enough people care about one another. This saddens me.

I rarely agree with you about much in here but this 100%
My mother flat out did not know how to raise a boy,(my father was away 75% of the time from when I was in 7th grade till I completely broke down to the near irrepairable state I have tried to dig out from since mid 9th grade training medical staffs at air force bases around the world  on drug screening techniques and other stuff),and it was compounded by the fact she was an extreme catholic and all she gave a shit about was me living a Godly life....everytime I would come home in tears it was "God has a plan,this is part of God's plan,any intervention would interfere with God's plan,lets go talk to the priest"..3 fucking straight years of this bullshit till the incident valentines day of 1984 in 9th grade that caused me to completely break down emotionally,socially,basicly it was a full core mental meltdown,I refused to go back to school,I told my mother to fuck off and die,fuck God,fuck the priest,I'm not going back..she was convinced my music caused me to be possessed and tried to physicly break and thow out the one thing that kept me alive,Rush,Ronnie James Dio,Iron Maiden,Rainbow,ect,and at least on 2 occasions it got very physical(she was forcing me to listen to 50's oldies because that was "pure" music and that is what worked for her)..she actually tried to find someone to perform an excorsism on me
until my father got home and saw the mess I had become..
at that point I was still probably very salvageable,I should have been admitted to a mental facility(my school even suggested intense therapy,but of course because the main person who caused my torment was already being scouted by NCAA football scouts as a freshman there was no admittance there was a bullying issue,they called it just a case of extreme persecution complex(Schools,especially public ones,are notorious for sweeping shit like this under the rug if it is in their best interest to do so),and moved to another school....
My mom got enraged and told everyone that therapy is the work of the devil because it interferes with God's plan and to just leave us alone..
My father at this point knew I was fucked to the point that he basicly wrote me off,at this point he thought(and looking back now if I were an outsider I would have assumed that Chris(me)was headed down a path that would lead me to jail,homelessness,horrible decisions,and more than likely me not lasting past 30)..
In hindsight he did 3 things that stabelized the situation
1.Signed me up for martial arts classes(2 different kinds,Kempo and Okinawan striking Ju Jitsu)4 days a week I went'and he knew that he could be playing with fire(think giving someone who was at that point mentally unstable a gun),but at the same time he knew that once I saw I could more than defend myself in combat situations that I at least wouldn't be afraid to go back to school.
2.Got me home schooled for the rest of the year,to basicly get me to the next grade without having to repeat a grade,as he wanted me out of  school as fast as possible...shockingly I pulled a 3.0 GPA after my finals and such because my mind was clear of bullshit (one main reason I am a proponent of full homeschooling because one does not have to worry about HS drama and such)
3.Took me to focus 2 guitars and let me pick out a nice guitar and a Marshall Stack
and let me at least have somethi8ng constructive to do that I loved while not doing homework

while all three basicly stabalized the situation,(and as I have said a few times on this site I was so driven by my martial arts that I could have won gold medals in competitions a year later,I was a natural,and it paid off when in effect I got revenge on the main asshole by basicly beating him up so badly that he never fully recovered from the injuries,never played football again,and last I heard has been living near poverty on Long Island somewhere)and shockingly I have become way more successfull in my life than most in my situation would have(my self induced isolation probably in a weird way kept me away from the people I would have gravitated twards otherwise,the druggies and such...and just pure luck I found a few metal friends who were clean and just loved music that werent druggies as well,and a few are still close friends),I never got the help that would have at least let me get over what I had endured(I must have surpressed what happened to me within a few years because only when I started seeing the therapist I am now did I remember how horrific it was and how nothing was done)and the 2 major issues that plague me to this day.my extreme social ineptness(having the social skills of a 14 year old,when I shut down),and PTSD symptoms(and this is where my lonliness,trying to meet someone of the opposite sex that I would be interested in kicks in,why I can never even go up to a girl I like and say hi,is because the meltdown incident was sparked by a girl I had a crush on for a year or so,apparently she was also in with the assholes who tormented me,and she played me to the point where I was baited into asking her out on that day-Valentines Day 1984;and.....well.....in front of the entire caffeteria what happened to me'lets just say it was a more humilliating and horrific version of what happened to Carrie on her prom night )

so yeah....bullies seem to have a knack for sniffing out soft targets,and unfortunately I was that target
one major reason I want a son of my own,if I couldn't get to the greatness I know now I had in me back then that was surpressed by all of this(the fact that I salvaged my life to basicly being moderately successful on my own suggests this that there was great things in store for me had I not been fucked with or I had strong parenting),I want that child to have that greatness

Star Child wrote:
So I lost my job this week due to panic attacks

I'm sorry you lost your job Star. I lost my last job because of a panic attack and a flashback to the explosion. I thought I was on fire and was screaming for help. The first thing you want to do is apply for unemployment. You are sure to get it. Have you considered applying for disability? It isn't much money but it keeps me going while I face all my medical issues. Whatever you decide know that you are loved here and you have friends that care!