Photographer
Image K
Posts: 23400
Las Vegas, Nevada, US
K I C K H A M wrote:
He's saying that you've already done all you can in communicating....
And you say "Exactly, I just need to know how to approach him with it"?
That doesn't make any sense. Looks like you and I found something to agree on.
Maybe communication really is the issue here.
Model
K I C K H A M
Posts: 14689
Los Angeles, California, US
Image K wrote:
Because that's what she said.
She said that they talked about it "quite a bit" for 4 years. What does "quite a bit" mean to you? lol
I'm going by what the OP actually said, not what you are reading into it.
She said in her OP that he stated "No, you can't do it". He didn't say, "Let's sit down and REALLY communicate our perspectives about this".
Looks like you and I are reading 2 different threads. I think you're misunderstanding what I mean by "communication."
You can talk about things quite a bit without having real communication between two people. I don't mean "talking without really saying anything." I can express my feelings, and someone can express the same to me, but if we have different outlooks on the topic and either party isn't willing to see the other side, it's still hard to have effective communication.
I feel like that's what's happening between us right now, actually. 
Photographer
Francisco Castro
Posts: 2629
Cincinnati, Ohio, US
Erlinda wrote:
What did he do? Wait till he put a ring on it before he said how he felt about your modelling? So sneaky!  +1
Yes.
Why is this only coming up now? Unless you never told him about your modeling before you got engaged, this should have come up a long time ago.
Photographer
Drew Smith Photography
Posts: 5214
Nottingham, England, United Kingdom
I don't think him stopping your from modelling is the problem.
I think what he's going to object to you doing NEXT is the problem.
Photographer
ChanStudio - OtherSide
Posts: 5403
Alpharetta, Georgia, US
AmieS wrote:
Exactally... i just gotta figure out how to aproach it to him the right way and thats what im trying to figure out.! Pushing the same button and expecting different results won't help.
Photographer
Bob Helm Photography
Posts: 18907
Cherry Hill, New Jersey, US
The real issue is not the modeling but the jealousy issue. Jealousy is a trust issue. A marriage without trust is on shach ground. Seems like you need professional counseling before this really explodes in either his rage or your resentment..or both.
Photographer
theBeachStrober
Posts: 885
Robertsdale, Alabama, US
After talking about this for 4 years, you know of the jealousy issue, and now it gets too big of an issue? It isn't a communication issue. He has made known his feelings and has communicated those feelings and wishes.
He thought it was over and you lead him to believe it was over. I keep going back to this but this should have been resolved before the marriage. The choice even back then was him or modeling. You CHOSE him. Now, you are making him out like a bad guy in a public forum because you agreed to not model anymore. Modeling isn't a career choice for you at your age. It is a hobby.
Why did you choose to be with someone who didn't totally accept what did? Your choice is him or modeling as a hobby. There isn't any advice we can give to change his mind.
Model
JessieLeigh
Posts: 2109
Las Vegas, Nevada, US
Image K wrote:
I applaud you ladies that believe that this is just a "communication issue", and the next conversation will be the magical one in which he is convinced of the error of his ways, but I'm reading the OP saying that they have talked extensively...and they are at an impasse. And yet she still makes comments that lead me to think she doesn't understand where HE is coming from. These:
"personally I think its insecurities that are pulling him away" and "Im not sure what the big deal is."
Image K wrote:
If your advice is that she should keep stating her case, and truly communicate after he has said "no, you can't do it", that seems like the standard "Cum-Ba-Ya" MM forum answer. Maybe if they hold hands, stare into each other's eyes, and "truly communicate", they can ride off into modeling utopia together? lol
Seems more like pissing into the wind. Actually, my advice was that she talk to him and specifically that she "ask him what his concerns are". Because, based on those comments, she doesn't quite know, she is just assuming. Maybe they are communicating, but the OP doesn't seem to be listening well if she has spent 4 years discussing the topic and she still doesn't know the specific reasons that her spouse is bothered by it.
Photographer
Leighsphotos
Posts: 3070
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? Probably shouldn't be married if you need to come on here and ask those questions.
Personally if I were the guy all that would have been settled before you got the ring. Sort of a waste to make a fuss about it after the fact.
But to your questions...despite what some others on here have said, you can't simply throw your nose up and say you are an adult and he can fuck off. Marriage is about a partnership. If you were in a business partnership and your counterpart was running around doing all kinds of business on the side, wouldn't you want to know the details?
Photographer
theBeachStrober
Posts: 885
Robertsdale, Alabama, US
Leighthenubian wrote:
Probably shouldn't be married if you need to come on here and ask those questions.
Personally if I were the guy all that would have been settled before you got the ring. Sort of a waste to make a fuss about it after the fact.
But to your questions...despite what some others on here have said, you can't simply throw your nose up and say you are an adult and he can fuck off. Marriage is about a partnership. If you were in a business partnership and your counterpart was running around doing all kinds of business on the side, wouldn't you want to know the details? Yep, bad advice to say "tough, I'm going anyway"
I think we all get emotional because this is about llamaing and photography. Take that out of the equation.
Here's the situation now.
Before we got married, I agreed to my future spouse that I would give up a certain activity. Since I loved the person I gave it up. Now that I'm married, I want to do it again. What should I do to convince my spouse I want to do that again?
The problem is not llamaing. It is going back on an agreement.
Photographer
Kezins Photography
Posts: 1389
Beckley, West Virginia, US
Counseling was a good suggestion above. Someone needs to slap some maturity into him. He needs to understand that he doesn't own anyone and also realize that in a healthy relationship where neither person commands the other, things tend to be a lot more pleasant for everyone including himself.
Photographer
Christopher Hartman
Posts: 54196
Buena Park, California, US
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? Is he a husband or just the guy?
He should know how much you get paid. Make sure taxes are being paid...unless you're handling all the tax work on your own. But still not sure why you'd hide that info from him. Maybe he can help earn you more.
Photographer
DougBPhoto
Posts: 39248
Portland, Oregon, US
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? I'm sorry, but next time marry a photographer?
Have you tried going to his work with him until he gets the point?
Controlling husband is controlling...
Model
AmieS
Posts: 438
Dallas, Texas, US
Again as stated before.. i never told him i was done.. he only asked i not do nudes or lingerie if i did anymore.. and that i was not looking for any more work at the time... this shoot im looking at is NOT nude at all.
Photographer
Leighsphotos
Posts: 3070
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
P.S. If you want bad advice that will get you separated and eventually estranged then divorced, listen to posters on here who are your age or younger.
Photographer
FCPart
Posts: 20
Chicago, Illinois, US
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? I think he has every right to be concerned about your safety and not doing nudes or lingerie. But he should not have final say in what shoots you do if they don't involve nudity or lingerie, etc. If he wants to know how much you get paid, isn't that a natural thing to share with your spouse? Not sharing with him may cause him to become suspicious.
If it's just one more photographer you want to work with and he is opposed, you have to ask yourself if it is worth jeopardizing your marriage. I would lean towards no. But if this is any indication of how controlling he is over you, this may be a red flag.
I've found candor is one of the most important things in a relationship. Tell him you understand his concerns, but explain what modeling means to you and lay down some parameters (i.e. you won't do nudes, he can drive you to the gigs, etc.) Any guy who really loves you will support you even if he isn't "thrilled" at what you are doing. Love is compromise by both parties - neither one of you should get everything you want with regard to this.
Photographer
Orca Bay Images
Posts: 33877
Arcata, California, US
AmieS wrote:
He feels my body is for his eyes only now which I respect. Does he forbid you from wearing bikinis at the beach?
How would he feel if you flipped that around on him? No skins for him at the beach. He must wear a tee-shirt at all times.
Photographer
Bravo Magic Images
Posts: 765
Temple City, California, US
First off if the shoe were on the other side and he was the model i wounder how this would go but in all fairness you knew deep inside your soul that in the long run your modeling was about to take a turn for the worst when getting married your now it seems looking for approval or ideas to run thru your husband so he can see that it's not a problem to continue modeling. I say if he loves you and you love him then compremise. I Feel for you i know if i got married and my wife said hey no more shooting nakied women for you lil mister then i would say ok no problem when can we get divorsed.
Photographer
FCPart
Posts: 20
Chicago, Illinois, US
Orca Bay Images wrote:
Does he forbid you from wearing bikinis at the beach?
How would he feel if you flipped that around on him? No skins for him at the beach. He must wear a tee-shirt at all times. There is a big difference between wearing a bikini at the beach and allowing someone to take and publish nude or lingerie photos of your wife.
Photographer
theBeachStrober
Posts: 885
Robertsdale, Alabama, US
AmieS wrote:
Again as stated before.. i never told him i was done.. he only asked i not do nudes or lingerie if i did anymore.. and that i was not looking for any more work at the time... this shoot im looking at is NOT nude at all. Why did you marry someone that had a problem with it? Nude or clothed doesn't make a difference.
You married someone who had problems with modeling. There isn't anything anyone on here can tell you that would change HIS MIND. The choice is yours. Go modeling and risk the marriage over a hobby or choose the marriage.
You have made your husband look like a bad guy in a public forum. That isn't healthy for your marriage.
I had a photoshoot with a young bride and she wanted topless pics. Her husband saw the gallery and had a fit. She married him anyway. The time for choosing was before the marriage, not after. Making an issue now will cause more strain.
Photographer
Leighsphotos
Posts: 3070
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
JonPhoto wrote:
Why did you marry someone that had a problem with it? Nude or clothed doesn't make a difference.
You have made your husband look like a bad guy in a public forum. That isn't healthy for your marriage. She didn't make her husband look bad. She showed her own immaturity.
Count down to separation day.
Photographer
Jack Martin Photo
Posts: 37
Sacramento, California, US
Agree it is rather late to find this out!! Also as a photographer I would think twice now about booking you for a shoot, knowing a jealous hubby might come busting in at any given moment to cause a scene in the middle of a shoot!
Photographer
Jack Martin Photo
Posts: 37
Sacramento, California, US
John Jebbia wrote:
It's in the vows.
Model
MatureModelMM
Posts: 2843
Detroit, Michigan, US
Drew Smith Photography wrote:
I don't think him stopping your from modelling is the problem.
I think what he's going to object to you doing NEXT is the problem. This, exactly.
Tell him that you asked your friends on Model Mayhem for their opinions, and the overwhelming response was that you should be free to do as you please with your modelling work since the agreement between you was that you would no longer do nudes, not stop modelling.
Photographer
eybdoog
Posts: 2647
New York, New York, US
didn't read most of the advice honestly, but the dude has trust issues. If he can't trust you and respect you to make your own decisions and be confident enough that you married him, then his insecurities are bound to crop up on many other things too along the way. You should do what makes you happy.
Photographer
Eros Art Hollywood
Posts: 37
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California, US
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? Tell him to become a photographer and he can hire you as a model.
That way he will be at the shoots and know how much you're being paid.
Photographer
Arizona Shoots
Posts: 28657
Phoenix, Arizona, US
Bravo Magic Images wrote:
First off if the shoe were on the other side and he was the model i wounder how this would go but in all fairness you knew deep inside your soul that in the long run your modeling was about to take a turn for the worst when getting married your now it seems looking for approval or ideas to run thru your husband so he can see that it's not a problem to continue modeling. I say if he loves you and you love him then compremise. I Feel for you i know if i got married and my wife said hey no more shooting nakied women for you lil mister then i would say ok no problem when can we get divorsed. Punctuation please.
Photographer
Eric212Grapher
Posts: 3779
Saint Louis, Missouri, US
If his concern is pure jealousy, doubtful he'll see your way. It's emotional based, and rarely can anyone come up with an approach to deal with emotional issues.
If his objections have been over the TF aspect versus a paid shoot, you'll have to show him how this "free" shoot is not at all a freebie. It is a trade. You will get great updated images for your portfolio, which in turn may lead to paid gigs. This is more a logical objection rebuttal, and logic and past successes overrule whatever logical issues he might have over a "free" shoot.
We would really need to heard his point of view on the matter. Directly and clearly. Secondhand is often missing key pieces of information (ever play the telephone/grapevine game?).
Photographer
Boudoir Studio
Posts: 322
Santa Clarita, California, US
... i know his parents raised him that modeling is trashy and filth and that its almost the same as a stripper.. idk.. hes no where near what they are but im wondering if that is the underlying issue to his response. Ill find out when we talk tonight You already have your answer.... If you continue modeling you are obviously going to start working at a strip club very soon. He has probably already taken a beating from his parents for marrying a former model/stripper (If they even know)
Wish I could say something encouraging....
Photographer
JOEL McDONALD
Posts: 608
Portland, Oregon, US
Sounds like you've pretty much sealed your fate by marrying someone like this (Southern Conservative). Good luck.
Model
Poses
Posts: 8139
Kansas City, Missouri, US
If this is your only major relationship problem, just find a hobby other than modeling. You're married.
Photographer
AJ_In_Atlanta
Posts: 13053
Atlanta, Georgia, US
JonPhoto wrote:
You have made your husband look like a bad guy in a public forum. That isn't healthy for your marriage. Considering the original post also suggested they don't even know each other income I would say that is the least of their problems with this partnership...
Model
MelissaAnn
Posts: 3971
Seattle, Washington, US
Tell him you will continue to do your job (modeling) just as you did before you married him. Kindly explain to him that you know much more about the industry you work in than he does, and he needs to trust that you know what you're doing.
If he had a problem with your modeling, he should have brought it up before he chose to marry you. If he pushes the issue, tell him you're moving out so you can continue doing your job as you always have, without his interference. Tell him that when he decides to grow up, and stop with the control games, you'll consider moving back in. Follow through with everything you say. He only has as much power as you give him. Best of luck.
Photographer
Bravo Magic Images
Posts: 765
Temple City, California, US
John Jebbia wrote:
Punctuation please. , . "there happy
Model
Damianne
Posts: 15978
Austin, Texas, US
If you've already decided your spouse gets veto power on your activities, then this is something that's up to your spouse, not any of us, or even you.
My only advice is to not let anyone have that power over you or what you do. Since your premise ignores this, I think you just have to do what ever it is you're going to do.
Photographer
Arizona Shoots
Posts: 28657
Phoenix, Arizona, US
Bravo Magic Images wrote:
, . "there happy Yes. I am now. And her spouse still says no. It didn't work.
Photographer
B R U N E S C I
Posts: 25319
Bath, England, United Kingdom
AmieS wrote:
So what do you do when you have been modeling for years, and your just got married and the guy wants to go with you to shoots, know how much your paid.. and if you get travel etc.. you understand as the model but they guy is totally clueless and because of that he says no you cant do it.... what then? You married this tool, without realising this was what he was like?
Is it still early enough for an annulment? Seriously.
Just my $0.02
Ciao
Stefano
www.stefanobrunesci.com
Photographer
Kezins Photography
Posts: 1389
Beckley, West Virginia, US
Snyder Studios wrote:
You already have your answer.... If you continue modeling you are obviously going to start working at a strip club very soon. He has probably already taken a beating from his parents for marrying a former model/stripper (If they even know)
Wish I could say something encouraging.... Can't blame things on how someone is raised. He's an adult and should have some sort of developed self identity.
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