Chris Rifkin wrote:

My AC is broken,and because my home is going to be reposessed in a few months(the final anvil that my ex caused on me to me to have dropped on my head then what I have to do to protect myself from the extreme debt that I will have that can be collected on)I am in the same boat.I got a room here in Sarasota as I have 2 shoots this weekend,and I have slept in my truck when I have been home(kinda like I will be doing for a year or so until my credit clears up)

I'm sorry Chris. My place is in foreclosure too. Delaware makes things move a little slower to protect the poor person. But I'm out at some point soon.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Somebody please make the fucking pain go away
I can't deal anymore

Chris, I'm sorry you are in this terrible place emotionally. You know that I also suffer from massive depression and have PTSD. Someday's are horrible and somedays are just survivable. All I can say to you is the same thing I say to myself. Keep going. Don't look for answers to come from the actions of anyone else. If our happiness depends on the action of another then we can't win. And that doesn't just apply to people like you and me and the other great wonderful people of this thread.

Please fight it and when you find something that works just a spark share it. And we can all grow together.

I'm back online after one of the worst weeks of my PTSD life. I pushed through because I missed you Chris. And I missed the other people here.

Star Child wrote:
A common denominator I see from most participants in this thread. Lack of a physical support circle, group, friends, etc.,

Last week I was blessed to have my sister visit me. Just having her (a dear loved one) around my house was a huge uplift for me. Because I was at work most of the time we really didn't do a lot, but just having her around made such a big difference.  In the morning I would be in one room on my computer checking in and she would be in another doing the same or something similar.  Every so often something would inspire laughter in her. Just hearing that sound across my house was so awesome. Coming home to someone to talk to or getting up in the morning fixing our coffee and stuff... makes a big difference.

Isolation is the enemy.

I agree totally Star. I'm hurting today. At its worse PTSD takes all the good away and all I'm left is my failure. I have all this sad pain and I have no where to put it. If I had family I could let little bits out each day. I think one of the things that may cause some of us to become isolated is that that we lay too much on people that love us. At some point they just can't take it. That leaves us further isolated with no where to turn too and it all builds up.

So I'm going to be as proactive as I can and try to form new friendships knowing that I have to be careful. There are so many lonely people out there in need of friendship. We just have to find a way to connect. Like you say Star, "Isolation is the enemy!"

Tim Little Photography wrote:

Chris, I'm sorry you are in this terrible place emotionally. You know that I also suffer from massive depression and have PTSD. Someday's are horrible and somedays are just survivable. All I can say to you is the same thing I say to myself. Keep going. Don't look for answers to come from the actions of anyone else. If our happiness depends on the action of another then we can't win. And that doesn't just apply to people like you and me and the other great wonderful people of this thread.

Please fight it and when you find something that works just a spark share it. And we can all grow together.

I'm back online after one of the worst weeks of my PTSD life. I pushed through because I missed you Chris. And I missed the other people here.

Problem is that things I see in everyday life,whether it be a fb status,ect trigger my PTDS...
I can't escape it

Chris Rifkin wrote:

Problem is that things I see in everyday life,whether it be a fb status,ect trigger my PTDS...
I can't escape it

I read once that many people see others on fb having such a great time that it affects them negatively.  That's what it seems like but the reality is not so happy.  Don't be fooled by that bull.

BlueMoonPics wrote:

I read once that many people see others on fb having such a great time that it affects them negatively.  That's what it seems like but the reality is not so happy.  Don't be fooled by that bull.

there is a difference between the poliana fakes and those who are truly happy.
Its those that are in my face showing off how in love they are posting pics of activities with their sig others that I will never experience again that make me hit the death metal station on sirius xm

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Going to a beach bar by myself..
gee,how bad is my PTSD going to hit me today to remind myself how much of a loser I am..
The paradox being that nobody would notice one of the few selling points I do have(a beach body I have tortured myself in building the past 8 years)sitting at home online or somewhere else

I have another question for you to consider today Chris. How hard are you going to work against the lies? Let that tight ass beach bod do all the talking today and just let yourself have fun. You get into a conversation with a pretty girl feel free to lie. It's allowed!!

Tim Little Photography wrote:
I have another question for you to consider today Chris. How hard are you going to work against the lies? Let that tight ass beach bod do all the talking today and just let yourself have fun. You get into a conversation with a pretty girl feel free to lie. It's allowed!!

Because that conversation will never happen
1.most of the pretty ones will be with guys already.
2.The single ones will never talk to me because I am not the desireable tatted up wannabe gang banger MMA WANNABE milk chicken look a like they always chase
3.This is not eastern europe where the pretty ones will come up to you and talk
4.I am so socially inept,shy,and beaten down from rejection I will never initiate conversation

Chris Rifkin wrote:

Because that conversation will never happen
1.most of the pretty ones will be with guys already.
2.The single ones will never talk to me because I am not the desireable tatted up wannabe gang banger MMA WANNABE milk chicken look a like they always chase
3.This is not eastern europe where the pretty ones will come up to you and talk
4.I am so socially inept,shy,and beaten down from rejection I will never initiate conversation

OK.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

Classic distorted thinking. I'm glad my therapist taught me about this and how to break that cycle.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

Umm if you don't think you matter why would anyone else?
Not putting you down just trying to understand why you keep knocking Chris?
If you got shit on by one then try another. The other option of being alone for the rest of your days suks.
Only you can believe in you. Others will follow your lead.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
The pain is never going to go away.
Nobody has the correct answers
I don't really matter

I guess at the end of the day that I really wasn't ever going to recover from my hell that shut me down at 14,and the ramifications of piss poor parenting and being written off.


I guess sometimes self improvement and actually tryingto climb the ladder backfires when you artificially inflate what you see as your self worth to where you really belong...like the housing bubble...
Water finds its own level,and I inflated myself by damming a river,now the dam breaks,(the bubble bursts),and it reveals that I truly am a complete loser bag of shit that won't accept the fact that his place truly is being a bottom feeder.
And I can't accept the fact that I will never be more than a bottom feeder no matter how good of a person I am or how in shape I am...
It wasn't supposed to end like this for me.
I was supposed to win,by busting my ass,maintaining my will to say F U to those who wanted to keep me down,to my useless family.
At the end of the day when you areapparently fighting fate and destiny...even when by trying to win you make your desting self fufilling by making horrible decisions because you have no one in your life to tell you otherwise..you can't overcome

~ Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you

Aren't you lucky to have loved a woman so much to know what real love feels like.

Re: Family and people that have hurt you:
Knowing what is damaging to one's emotional growth, I'm sure those experiences made you very sensitive to being kind to others.

Having some shitty experiences with females has taught you what kinds of people to stay away from.

Life lessons!
They're tough, but you can be too:)

Hang in there Chris, I believe in you!

Samantha Liana wrote:
I'm just waiting for the day I get weak enough to just end it all.

Samantha, I'm so sorry you are at a place in your life where suicide seems like a solution. I would be lying if I said I have never been at that place. I don't know the circumstances that have put you in this place but talk always helps. I sorry it took so long to respond to your forum post. PLEASE feel free to private message me anytime you want. I am always very happy to spend some time helping my MM friends work through their issues. If you like to talk I can let you have my phone number too.

The thing is Samantha, there are people who care about you. Please don't hurt yourself.

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Latest Low T update. So I took the prescription to CVS and find out that my insurance company has to have a talk with my doctor before they will even consider paying for it. So it could be a week or more before I get the medicine. It bothers me that Insurance companies are determining what care I get. That's what doctors are for. Besides, if this works my $800 a month anti-depressant can be eliminated. That would be great.

Other than that I'm feeling better. The first of the week was very hard for me but I'm good now.

How y'all doing?

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...
Not to turn this into a soap Box thread,but this is one of the main reasons I am so against "socialized"medicine,the govt(in our case who will basicly own the insurance companies)can now decide what is best for everyone treatment wise.(and I use the example of my close friend in the heavy metal band Redemption who had a very rare cancer with a 75% mortality rate.If he lived in a country even like Canada he would have either had to have come to the states for treatment or died(he had a friend living in the UK who did perish who had this form of cancer because the form of treatment my friend received was illegal in the UK)
I hope for everyone's sake the US doesn't go that route,even with the issues we speak of here that need medication.

OK

Chris Rifkin wrote:

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...
Not to turn this into a soap Box thread,but this is one of the main reasons I am so against "socialized"medicine,the govt(in our case who will basicly own the insurance companies)can now decide what is best for everyone treatment wise.(and I use the example of my close friend in the heavy metal band Redemption who had a very rare cancer with a 75% mortality rate.If he lived in a country even like Canada he would have either had to have come to the states for treatment or died(he had a friend living in the UK who did perish who had this form of cancer because the form of treatment my friend received was illegal in the UK)
I hope for everyone's sake the US doesn't go that route,even with the issues we speak of here that need medication.

OK

I'm on Prozac. I'm neither zombified or emotionless. I no longer have extreme lows and my panic attacks are relatively low if at all. People around me have no idea that I'm on any type of medication.

In the mental health medical field it's generally regarded that the best method of treatment is a combination of medicine and therapy. I have found my greatest gains in recovery were during the times when I've regularly seen a therapist.

When I was unemployed and under-employed I qualified for a special program which provided me with no cost visits to a psychiatrist and therapist along with prescription insurance that gave me extremely discounted rates on my medications.

Now I have insurance through my employer and my coverage for prescription drugs isn't as good. I used to get a 30 day supply of my prescription for $6 out of pocket expense. Now it's $30. Since it's a struggle to afford that at my low rate of pay I haven't even tried to see a therapist for fear that I can't afford the co-pay. I guess I was better off unemployed.

Samantha Liana wrote:
I'm just waiting for the day I get weak enough to just end it all.

Sometimes the struggle to take charge and overcome leaves us weary. There's so much to battle. We have exert so much to fight back that we lose sight of what we're fighting for. A lot of the time I give myself credit for making small steps towards victory even though I so wish just be better.

One of the things that I've managed to get back in control of is the realization that "Yes. I do matter. Yes. I do have a purpose in this world." I used to be romanced by suicidal thoughts. Now, I see them as an assault from the enemy and easily reject them. That didn't happen overnight. First I had to take those ideas to heart (choose to believe them) and then I had to keep fighting back - even when all I could do was hold on.

I committed myself to holding on and making progress, first for the sake of my two cats, then family, then friends and even just to piss off my haters (I never wanted to give them the satisfaction anyway).

Chris Rifkin wrote:

This is the other reason(besides becoming zombified and emotionless)why I am so thankful I am not on meds...

Chris, I think you might be thinking of the old Tricyclic antidepressants that were developed in the 1950's. Sadly, this was all we had until a new class of drugs were developed. When I was first treated for depression I took a Tricyclic  one time. I took it at bed time as directed and woke up at bed time the next day. I had slept through work and felt disconnected. The SSRI's or Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors don't have that heavy effect. They are slow to act. It takes 2-4 weeks for a therapeutic level to build up in your system. Since it comes on very slow any side effect is caught very early before it becomes a big deal.

But now there are even better antidepressants that control the reuptake of  serotonin and  norepinephrine.

I also want to encourage you to get a blood test and have them check your hormone levels. As I've posted, Low Testosterone can bring on severe depression, anxiety, fatigue and a lack of interest in things we once loved. I got the pre-approval from insurance and started the treatment this morning. All you do is open a little tube and rub the gel into your shoulders until it absorbs.

I see depression, and anxiety and PTSD as demons and I will fight the son's of bitches every way I can. Anymore of my life they want they are going to have to fight for. I hope you find a way to become proactive in your struggle my friend.